What am I doing

 My brain feels like it's being fried. I woke up late today, and when I did my head spun like a broken record. I don't have much recollection of what I did after I woke up, but I know I've been searching for a job for the past 2 hours while the letters "FML" flashed like a beacon inside my head.I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing.

I had planned on getting a job a couple of weeks ago, but then Mum yelled like a bitch and told me to babysit at some shitty childcare centre. Fuck her bitch-face of a friend. OMFG. Why can't she befriend someone decent. But then again, they say people like finding friends similar to themselves. I never ended up going to that childcare centre- and Mum's friend brought her daughter over, presumably to show off the fact that she made $150 a day and how she didn't even have to do that much work.

You have no idea how tempted I was, to say, "well I'm sure if she wanted to whore herself she'd make $150 per hour as opposed to $150 per day". But I was too polite.

Gaaah, I don't want to be that mean. I don't actually... afkdjaslhfkjf, I don't actually... hate her daughter. She's a nice person. I mean, we are classmates after all. There' s not much about her which I don't like, and that's trivial anyway. Yet I cannot help but resent her because my mother and hers use her against me, making me seem like trash. My old job paid $14 an hour. Mum's making all these comments about me and my cheap labor, how I work my ass off for $14 an hour while my classmate makes $20 an hour by doing jack all.

Now I don't even want to find a job anymore. Sure, I need the money. Yeah, I wouldn't mind working. Yet when my parents force me to do it, I feel bad complying. Despite knowing their intentions... they way they do things...

So last night, Dad walks into my room, shoves me this medical encyclopedia, tells me to read it because it's interesting and I'll know what to do later on when I become a doctor. I was like wtf, gtfo I don't need this, and I don't want to read it. Then we argue like usual, because I tell him there's like a 1 in 10 chance I'll get into med school, why do I even bother, what if I don't even get in. When he left though, I ended up opening the encyclopedia (God knows why).  I read the introduction about being a doctor, why anyone would even want to be a doctor, how most doctors lose sight of their noble goals when they become interns. They're sleep-deprived, they work long hours, they get paid very little, aaaand half the time the patients are assholes. Some even reflect that if they had known, they would never have been a doctor in the first place. Then I understood Dad's intention; he probably wanted me to know what was going to happen if I got into med school. Having read that, I'm also better prepared for the upcoming med interviews. 

And I'd be grateful for him preparing this material for me, if he wasn't such an asshole about it when he gave it to me. Like, he could've just said what a normal person would've said: "hey, I found this medical encyclopedia for you, it has an introduction on what it's like being a doctor and what a doctor should be, I think it'd help you for your upcoming interviews and deciding whether you want to do med after all". I'd be like awwww how nice going to all that effort and thinking about me--- and an argument between him and I would not burst out spontaneously. Ah, it's not just him. I know it's me as well. It's gotten to the stage where everything my parents say is rubbish, regardless of what they're actually saying. I should keep chill, and actually evaluate the merit of their words. Look, most of the time it makes sense if I think about it, it's just the way they express things, that throws me off. I swear, my parents and someone I trusted could say the same thing, and I'd fight with my parents but nod in agreement with the person I trust.

I just forced down lunch which I did not want to eat. I now feel sick as hell. Yesterday, when I didn't eat lunch (because I didn't feel like it), my parents took turns lecturing me on being lazy, then commenting on how I wouldn't need the food anyway, because I was fat and lazy and wouldn't leave the house.

Arrrrgh. Why am I here.