I thought the first time I'd blog on my phone would be when I was travelling, and I'd be in some exotic place, taking pictures using my phone and uploading them for the world to see. I know I have a tendency to romanticise things (it must be a shared fault amongst those who read), but I seriously didn't expect reality to be this crap.
It's about 8 in the morning, and I'm sitting on cold concrete because the park benches are wet with morning dew. I figure I must look like a hobo, with the longish messy hair, red eyes and slip on sandals. Wish I had a haircut. I guess the expensive phone in my hand doesn't match the whole hobo attire, and I can only hope that no one mugs me for it. I don't know what I'll do when it runs out of battery.
So nothing new, fought with Dad again. Voices were raised, he grabbed my collar, I almost punched him except I didn't. I say that with a tinge of regret. It's quite a sin to hurl punches at your own father, isn't it? I calmed down after shouting one line, lowered my voice etc. Dad was furious, accusing me of things I don't believe I'm guilty of. Something about me not doing my part for the family, like not looking after my sister, not doing mum's homework, playing games all day and failing the UMAT. Alright, truth be told, I did play a fair amount of games. And no, I didn't do as much of mother's homework as I could have. Looking after my sister has never been my priority, and I guess by everyone's standards, except for my own, I did fail the UMAT. However, I don't think my crimes were as extreme and exaggerated as he made out to be. What he actually said I have no intention of repeating, but afterwards I figured I should just kill myself if I want him to shut up.
Of course I'm too chicken to actually kill myself, but if I did, in this hypothetical world, I wonder whether his life will be easier. No one to pay fees for, no one to be angry at all the fucking time- actually, I don't take that much away from him. He pays the bills, and that's about the only fatherly role he has fulfilled. He, on the other hand, proves to be detrimental to my psychological health. It's his decision to rage at me all the time, when I didn't even do anything rage inspiring- apart from the gaming.
....Okay, I guess it is my fault. FML.
Though I still don't want to die. I must admit the temptation is increasing though. Better life for him, no life for me. Except I wouldn't mind, because I'd be dead. See, logically it all works out.
But fuck logic.
Now I'm outside, sniffling because of my runny nose. I hope the sun stays out, I'm kind of cold. If it rains I won't be drenched, because I've found myself a shelter. Eh, I'm still alive I'm a first world country, despite currently being homeless. I guess I'll go ' home' when I need to sleep.
No, nothing is that bad. Though in moments like these I realise my academic achievements which has marked me as a person means nothing at all. Having a 99 university entrance score won't save me from catching cold and starving in this horrible weather, after all. Huh, I've been wasting my life learning maths and chemistry and whatever else, all for the future. I should have remembered that if I don't survive the short run, there is no future. Why didn't I take outdoor ed classes instead...?
Oh well. As long as it doesn't rain, I'll be warm. If there exists a god, I'm sure he loves me. It'll be fine. I mean, if today is the worst day in my life, then tomorrow must be better by default. And if it isn't the worst day in my life, then there is no reason to be depressed. It's not the worst day in my life, after all.
I just need to keep thinking happy thoughts.
It's about 8 in the morning, and I'm sitting on cold concrete because the park benches are wet with morning dew. I figure I must look like a hobo, with the longish messy hair, red eyes and slip on sandals. Wish I had a haircut. I guess the expensive phone in my hand doesn't match the whole hobo attire, and I can only hope that no one mugs me for it. I don't know what I'll do when it runs out of battery.
So nothing new, fought with Dad again. Voices were raised, he grabbed my collar, I almost punched him except I didn't. I say that with a tinge of regret. It's quite a sin to hurl punches at your own father, isn't it? I calmed down after shouting one line, lowered my voice etc. Dad was furious, accusing me of things I don't believe I'm guilty of. Something about me not doing my part for the family, like not looking after my sister, not doing mum's homework, playing games all day and failing the UMAT. Alright, truth be told, I did play a fair amount of games. And no, I didn't do as much of mother's homework as I could have. Looking after my sister has never been my priority, and I guess by everyone's standards, except for my own, I did fail the UMAT. However, I don't think my crimes were as extreme and exaggerated as he made out to be. What he actually said I have no intention of repeating, but afterwards I figured I should just kill myself if I want him to shut up.
Of course I'm too chicken to actually kill myself, but if I did, in this hypothetical world, I wonder whether his life will be easier. No one to pay fees for, no one to be angry at all the fucking time- actually, I don't take that much away from him. He pays the bills, and that's about the only fatherly role he has fulfilled. He, on the other hand, proves to be detrimental to my psychological health. It's his decision to rage at me all the time, when I didn't even do anything rage inspiring- apart from the gaming.
....Okay, I guess it is my fault. FML.
Though I still don't want to die. I must admit the temptation is increasing though. Better life for him, no life for me. Except I wouldn't mind, because I'd be dead. See, logically it all works out.
But fuck logic.
Now I'm outside, sniffling because of my runny nose. I hope the sun stays out, I'm kind of cold. If it rains I won't be drenched, because I've found myself a shelter. Eh, I'm still alive I'm a first world country, despite currently being homeless. I guess I'll go ' home' when I need to sleep.
No, nothing is that bad. Though in moments like these I realise my academic achievements which has marked me as a person means nothing at all. Having a 99 university entrance score won't save me from catching cold and starving in this horrible weather, after all. Huh, I've been wasting my life learning maths and chemistry and whatever else, all for the future. I should have remembered that if I don't survive the short run, there is no future. Why didn't I take outdoor ed classes instead...?
Oh well. As long as it doesn't rain, I'll be warm. If there exists a god, I'm sure he loves me. It'll be fine. I mean, if today is the worst day in my life, then tomorrow must be better by default. And if it isn't the worst day in my life, then there is no reason to be depressed. It's not the worst day in my life, after all.
I just need to keep thinking happy thoughts.
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