Dad's going to hold that mark against me for the rest of his life, I can tell. It's thrilling to know that my worth is only equivalent to what I score on a med entrance exam.
You know, they say resilience is a good thing, but I say too much resilience will only destroy you. Personally I'm not too thrilled with my UMAT score, but I wouldn't sink into depression over that. That's why I can wear a smile on my face when I walk away--- but no, smiling is bad, because Dad did everything in his power to wipe it away. I can figure... if I had walked out of my room depressed, crying, saying that I have no future and that I was going to kill myself, he'd be much kinder to me.
A rather childish part of me wants to injure myself so I can see regret cross his face. Except I'm not quite sure he would regret it even if I spewed blood right now. The voice in my brain rationally informs me that no one is worth hurting myself for, especially not him.
Hmm, but the fact that I'm not dying over Dad being an asshole is also resilience, isn't it? So everything is okay, if you can last as long as me. It would be a tragedy if I had just enough resilience in me to get over the UMAT, and then be crushed by my father.
I just remembered, as he gripped my shoulder in that fight earlier this morning, he asked, "你知道我有什么病吗？" (Do you know what sickness I have?) He said that to prove a point about how I knew nothing about him, because I said he knew nothing about me. And now I'm chuckling to myself, thinking that I should've responded with "神经病" (Technically neuropathy, though colloquially it means "craziness").
Yeah, I must be fine if I can find humor in that.
...School tomorrow. Better get started on my work... Looking forward to it.
No comments:
Post a Comment