All that drama

I'm not a happy person, generally- but that doesn't mean I like being depressed. If I had to state the natural inclination of my mood, I'd say it was flat-line. No joy, no grief; just getting along like everyone else. Of course I'm easily amused these days by my friends and the various things they do, but without their company I tend to return to my flat-line state. Add in my parents, and I find myself becoming one miserable sod.

I don't know how it became this way. Everyday when I return "home" I anticipate some sort of argument or just... a clash of some sort. So the natural solution (as far as I see) is to return home as little as possible, or to avoid interaction for as much as possible. But the situation becomes rather hopeless when I realise I have one hell of a maths exam to revise for--- the test is on Friday, and I've managed to do...jack all. I'm currently staring at my textbook, thinking "oh fuck kill me now, I don't remember this at all". Sure I could revise elsewhere, but it's just inconvenient if the kitchen isn't less than 20m away from my room. No one to bring me sandwiches when I'm revising with an empty stomach, after all. Not that I like sandwiches... I'd prefer a fruit salad or something.

Aside from hating this house and slightly panicking about this maths test which I'm under-prepared for, more trivial concerns fill my mind. Like who to go to the formal (ball, dance, whatever) with. You know how I got rejected a while back. Now that my infatuation has blown over (just as well, it was rather hopeless), I don't even have a target anymore. Going with my friends as "friends" is almost the gayest solution I can think of, trumped only by going with my 80 year old grandmother or something. I guess the problem with having too many friends is that you end up friend-zoning them all, and now I'm just like, "well, fuck".

Well, it shouldn't be a problem- and I never even imagined that my pathetically occupied mind would reach its current state. It's just that I recently observed that almost everyone I know has a date for the formal. I can't really say I want a date- hell, I can't even say I want to go to the formal. In fact, I don't want to go. But the fact is I'm going and peer pressure is getting to me.

It never works out anyway

Ah, fuck it. Why do I even bother thinking about these things when any moment now, either one of my parents could charge into my room and scream their heads off at me. It's like planning family time with your grandchildren when your doctor says your cancer will kill you before you're 20.

I'll be grateful if I can get to school without arguing with Dad in the car tomorrow.