The Quest for a Formal Date

I never thought it'd be this hard, finding a formal date. I mean, I thought I was popular, but apparently not popular enough. Actually, it might not be my popularity, it might be the fact that I've turned down all these people who said "I'll go with you" when I bitched about not having a date.

Okay, it's technically my fault, for saying something along the lines of "fuck you" in response to the offer of a pity date. Automated response, can't help it. Well, there was ONE person who I appreciated the offer from, because at least it was a sincere pity date offer. I am 98% certain that everyone else just wanted to shut me up. Bitches.

Woof woof.

Alright, why don't I just go with that ONE pity date I appreciate. Well, because I ultimately don't want a pity date. That's just... too much for my over-inflated ego to take. Me, the grand, almighty me, have to resort to a pity date? NEVER.

Now I don't consider it a failure if I ask someone, I mean, it's kinda OTT to expect other people to ask me instead, with this kind of thing. Except every trial has been a failure, not because they said no to me personally, but it was more of a "I'm not going". That's okay, my pride can handle that. But if I see them showing up on the day... I swear I will stab them to death.

I shall slay them like Romeo slew Tybalt.

I'd totally consider asking that crush of mine to the formal, if they weren't already situated impossibly far away from me. And they said they wanted to be with their best friend, which is fine I guess, except I'm now inclined to call my crush homo for rejecting me. That must be the only plausible explanation. The only reason anyone would choose their best friend over me is if they're homosexual. That's it. End of story.

...I'm kidding, geez. Don't be so jumpy and step out of your gay-rights activist costumes. I don't just run around calling people gay. That'd be mean. Except for that time when a friend said "the sky is blue today" and "let's go sit by the trees". That was so gay.

Alright alright, I'll stop. I really do have nothing against gay people. It's just me trying to make up reasons to tape together my broken, bloody, bleeding heart.

Okay, I'm exaggerating. It's not that bad. But seriously, I want a formal date. The difficulty of this task is actually ridiculous. Anyone got a cheat-code for something like this?