Back to the Past

So I went with two of my best friends and I visited college again. It actually hasn't been that long since I left there. About 3 months, ish. Like, nothing had changed, except everything had. I still felt like I melted right in, but I look at the foreign faces around me and realize that it's a different year-group, and no, I am actually not part of this anymore. They were in test week, I look at them all stressed about the upcoming maths exam, whether or not they'd covered a certain concept, and bitching about the average and standard deviation--- and I notice how I'm not stressed at all. It's a strange feeling, thinking that, "huh, that was me, not long ago. In fact, that was like... less than 6 months ago." Then I feel as if I've been separated from my college days by a glass wall--- I can most certainly look back, but I'll always be kept out by this invisible partition known as "growing up".

As I walked along the corridors of college I realized: curling up in a ball of stress and complaining about everything is complacency in itself. I've been on a seemingly endless routine of feeling stressed, thinking that my life has sunk to the shits, bitching about parents and complaining about friends, then feeling irrationally happy for a day or two, before feeling like shit again. Yet somewhere along the way, I had somehow adjusted to that, and accepted the fact that, "yes, I stress a lot", and "yes, I complain a lot". Now I take everything for granted and have no intention of changing my habits.

Currently? I'm all right. Even though I'm with my parents for Easter, they haven't done anything to upset me. I, on the other hand, must have caused a lot of grief. Funny that, I can appreciate the fact that I'm annoying to have around now. When I think about it... to this household, I'm like a phantom which only appears during dinner time to share the food, I contribute to the washing that needs to be done weekly, aaaand... actually, there's not much else. Huh, when I put it that way, I wasn't that bad.

Anyway, I went back to school but everything was same-but-different. I hated it, because I feel as if I had made no substantial improvements from the old "me". I am still socially awkward in my own right--- not necessarily in saying anything offensive to stunt conversation, but more along the lines of refusing to initiate or making no effort to propagate the conversation in the first place. Ah, I'm still doing that thing where I want to talk to someone desperately but refuses to make the first move. Out of some twisted form of self-preservation, I refuse to appear needy or dependent. By logic, not many will actually recognize me as pathetically needy, but I am so self-centered that I refuse to take the chance.

A prime example would be how I refuse to add people to my friend's list on facebook. Unless I've known them for years, and we're close friends. That's a different matter, because a mutual friendship is already well-established. But for people I'm not particularly familiar with, I just think--- "no no no, you add me, because you're the one who wants to know me more than I want to know you" Of course that's really not the case, because if I think along that track it's probably because I have decent interest in the person.

...I'm just sort-of-twisted like that.

Gah, in any case, I visited my old school today, and I'm glad I did, even if it did make me feel a bit strange. I met my teachers again---and I was happy for that. I don't think I necessarily want to go back to the past--- because the present is pretty sweet... but I still feel that this isn't where I want to be in my life, and I want to move on as quickly as possible.

Life becomes so complicated past midnight.