I'm feeling just a little bit hyper right now. Probably because I ate too much food for dinner, then decided that playing LoL would help with my digestion. I'm getting that feeling I usually get when it's 4am and I'm forcing myself to stay awake for an assignment. Today would've been a pretty shitty day, if it wasn't for me coming home and throwing my soul at LoL. Oh God I should start on my work soon. This is so bad.
Anyway, I got my first assignment back, and holy shit was I bad. I can't remember the last time I got a 70% for an assignment. Anyhow, I guess I don't actually care enough to try any harder. Surely 70% is a pass. And what can I expect, when all I do is sleep and play games, and panic-study when the test comes around.
I'm getting that feeling again, where I'm so utterly sick of going to school. I kept myself going for college, because I saw an end to it--- it was going to be there, in the not-so-distant future. And then I somehow landed myself in a five year degree that's like the hardest thing you could ever do, and I sorta just want to hide under a rock and pretend I never existed.
There's so much pressure for me to do well, especially now that I'm paying about 10k a year to study. Well, I'm not actually paying it, it's all going into a massive loan which I'll return veeeery slowly. Sometimes I just wish a money tree would sprout at my feet- with golden branches and 100 dollar bills for leaves. That'd be great. Except it'd be really hard to harvest the gold from the branches. Oh well.
So I'm thinking I'll start making a list, and add to it slowly. "Things I want in life", it shall be called. And I'll add more and more to it as I think of stuff.
On a completely unrelated note, I attended a particular professor's lecture for the first time ever, because it seems I have just happened to miss his 2 previous ones. I had seen his lecture notes before, and it seemed like a boring kind of thing--- until I went to his lecture--- and it was still boring, in its own right, but gawd the lecturer is so cute.
...Well, I thought I'd share.
Tuesday, 30 April 2013
Sunday, 28 April 2013
Another Wasted Day
While I did wake according to my alarm at 7am, I simply rolled over and slept until it was 11. I think I should cease having unrealistic expectations of waking at 7am on a weekend, and just set it to 9 or 10 so my brain doesn't have to suffer the intense pain of being woken unexpectedly. Waking early to do work is quite an unrealistic fantasy.
Luckily I no longer feel as dead as I was yesterday- but it's not like I feel super happy and energetic. It may have something to do with my lack of exercise- I do spend a considerable amount of time lying in bed playing on my phone.
...And I just wasted an hour or two drawing. There goes work. Sitting at the desk has become tolerably comfortable after I, being the genius I am, decided to stack all my fat ass textbooks at the bottom of the desk, creating a convenient foot rest.
Wasting more time and casually checking my email, I noticed that my bill for uni came through. Holy fucking shit this stuff is expensive. Maybe I should consider going to my Japanese lectures once in a while, since it looks like I'm paying quite a bit. And I'm just going to cross off the option of failing Japanese right here, right now, because I refuse to pay again to do another elective.
...Which means I'll probably have to start revising for Japanese soon, too, if I don't want to fail. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF.
Luckily I no longer feel as dead as I was yesterday- but it's not like I feel super happy and energetic. It may have something to do with my lack of exercise- I do spend a considerable amount of time lying in bed playing on my phone.
...And I just wasted an hour or two drawing. There goes work. Sitting at the desk has become tolerably comfortable after I, being the genius I am, decided to stack all my fat ass textbooks at the bottom of the desk, creating a convenient foot rest.
Wasting more time and casually checking my email, I noticed that my bill for uni came through. Holy fucking shit this stuff is expensive. Maybe I should consider going to my Japanese lectures once in a while, since it looks like I'm paying quite a bit. And I'm just going to cross off the option of failing Japanese right here, right now, because I refuse to pay again to do another elective.
...Which means I'll probably have to start revising for Japanese soon, too, if I don't want to fail. OH GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF.
Saturday, 27 April 2013
4pm Morning
New record: climbed out of bed at 4pm. It seems I enjoy using the rising Sun as a marker for when to sleep, and using the setting Sun as a marker to wake. It feels horrible, really. I'd love to be nocturnal, but it doesn't work when the world doesn't turn nocturnal with you. I think my internal body clock just hates me.
I've had one packet of instant noodles today, but I really don't feel like eating anything, at all. If this keeps up, I might just achieve the weight loss I've always wanted. Except I was more hoping to just have a lot less fat and a little bit more muscle instead of losing all appetite for food and slowly starve myself.
Hrm, maybe the reason I feel so sleepy and tired is because I don't have enough energy in me. But then again, what am I going to use that energy for- study? Ergh.
I'm going to wake up early tomorrow. And get out of bed tomorrow. Living with 2 hours of sunlight in a "city" with no night life is truly horrible.
I've had one packet of instant noodles today, but I really don't feel like eating anything, at all. If this keeps up, I might just achieve the weight loss I've always wanted. Except I was more hoping to just have a lot less fat and a little bit more muscle instead of losing all appetite for food and slowly starve myself.
Hrm, maybe the reason I feel so sleepy and tired is because I don't have enough energy in me. But then again, what am I going to use that energy for- study? Ergh.
I'm going to wake up early tomorrow. And get out of bed tomorrow. Living with 2 hours of sunlight in a "city" with no night life is truly horrible.
Friday, 26 April 2013
Feels Like Monday
After the public holiday on Thursday- which felt like Sunday- today felt like Monday. I woke up early morning prepared to go to school, and I dragged my body all the way over there and almost crashed during tutorial. I realised just then, as I cooked myself lunch, that I haven't eaten properly in ages. I don't think I ate lunch the day I had my test- but I do remember dinner tasting weird. Then the day after I still didn't eat lunch (maybe I had noodles for dinner?) and yesterday I slept til 2pm, ate cereal and didn't eat anything until I woke up this morning. I did vaguely recall taking a break at around 7pm--- and I could've made myself something to eat, but for some reason I wasn't hungry.
So I resorted to playing LoL until I had to go to bed.
The one productive thing I did all day was drawing this picture, which was originally going to be my study of the bones of the hand--- and then it just turned into this creepy thing of someone admiring their skeletal hand. I think it looks really cool though. I'm supposed to remember the names of all these bones- and there are 8 carpal ones (wrist bones) which are tiny but they all have different names to spite me. I can only remember "pisiform" and "hamate" because it reminds me of "piss" and "mating". I find it hard to imagine a situation where I, personally, would find use for the names of the 8 carpal bones--- I guess I could show off in trivia if someone said "list the 8 carpal bones", but no good trivia event would ask something so ridiculous.
And that leads me onto the WhatAmIEvenDoingWithMyLife thing again.
Oh but never mind- it's not Monday, it's Friday! I've got a movie night planned with my new friends, and I think I better enjoy myself.
So I resorted to playing LoL until I had to go to bed.
The one productive thing I did all day was drawing this picture, which was originally going to be my study of the bones of the hand--- and then it just turned into this creepy thing of someone admiring their skeletal hand. I think it looks really cool though. I'm supposed to remember the names of all these bones- and there are 8 carpal ones (wrist bones) which are tiny but they all have different names to spite me. I can only remember "pisiform" and "hamate" because it reminds me of "piss" and "mating". I find it hard to imagine a situation where I, personally, would find use for the names of the 8 carpal bones--- I guess I could show off in trivia if someone said "list the 8 carpal bones", but no good trivia event would ask something so ridiculous.
And that leads me onto the WhatAmIEvenDoingWithMyLife thing again.
Oh but never mind- it's not Monday, it's Friday! I've got a movie night planned with my new friends, and I think I better enjoy myself.
Thursday, 25 April 2013
Waking at 2pm
After about 3 days straight of sleep deprivation, I crashed last night at around 3am and when I regained consciousness it was noon. Then I blinked and it was 1pm. As I dressed and prepared for breakfast (or lunch), I glanced at my watch- 2pm. Having only just thrown all my clothes and my towel into the washing machine, I can only hope that the Sun stays out long enough for them to dry, because I don't think they're going to fit into the dryer.
Anyway, I feel as if I reverted back to my old days, where a holiday is just a day to catch up on sleep and work... too bad I can't do both at the same time. It's not like I have any good dreams anyway.
Well, now that's it dark and getting cold, I better get studying. I've already been through 3 hours of nothingness anyway...
Anyway, I feel as if I reverted back to my old days, where a holiday is just a day to catch up on sleep and work... too bad I can't do both at the same time. It's not like I have any good dreams anyway.
Well, now that's it dark and getting cold, I better get studying. I've already been through 3 hours of nothingness anyway...
Wednesday, 24 April 2013
League of Lengends
Yesterday's post which I totally didn't post
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I've succumbed to playing League of Legends (LoL) as stress relief. It's so pathetic how that one puny exam has taken such a toll on me. Anyway, I'm mildly sleep deprived but I haven't prepared anything at all for the tutorial tomorrow. All I can think of right now is crashing into bed...
You know what, LoL isn't that fun. I can see why it's addictive and why my friends all seem to play it, but it doesn't seem to be that fun. Or maybe I'm in that mood where nothing is fun. I wouldn't say I crashed my test--- in fact I felt pretty good about it (didn't have to guess much), but for some reason I just feel excessively drained by such a simple exam. Maybe it was the sheer content overload, but the fact that I now have to prepare for tomorrow's double-tutorial isn't helping.
I'll just...worry about it tomorrow, and pretend I know what I'm talking about.
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I've succumbed to playing League of Legends (LoL) as stress relief. It's so pathetic how that one puny exam has taken such a toll on me. Anyway, I'm mildly sleep deprived but I haven't prepared anything at all for the tutorial tomorrow. All I can think of right now is crashing into bed...
You know what, LoL isn't that fun. I can see why it's addictive and why my friends all seem to play it, but it doesn't seem to be that fun. Or maybe I'm in that mood where nothing is fun. I wouldn't say I crashed my test--- in fact I felt pretty good about it (didn't have to guess much), but for some reason I just feel excessively drained by such a simple exam. Maybe it was the sheer content overload, but the fact that I now have to prepare for tomorrow's double-tutorial isn't helping.
I'll just...worry about it tomorrow, and pretend I know what I'm talking about.
Monday, 22 April 2013
Hardcore Revision
Being the bad ass I am, I skipped all on my Monday lectures... to revise for my exam. Yeah, I'm soooo cool. I've gotten to that stage where I every single word looks pretty much the same unless I read it letter for letter. I've written 9 double paged notes, and it doesn't sound like much except I'm someone who hates writing lengthy notes, and I will only write the bare minimum of what I don't already know. Considering I have 9 pages (and counting) of notes on things I don't really know, it puts into perspective of how fucked I am.
While everything is starting to very slowly fall into place, this is like learning for the first time and understanding for the first time. I haven't had the chance to consolidate my understanding--- so this is like literally learning the thing and then walking into the exam. Oh well. I'm just glad that my memory appears to be amazing for remembering mundane things--- and everything I'm studying right now seems pretty fucking mundane. As I write notes and draw diagrams, my brain is constantly repeating: "haven't seen it before, can't figure out what it is, don't know what it does, searching for a fuck to give... fuck not found".
On top of my brain being highly uncooperative, I'm still freezing. It looks quite hot outside, with the Sun out and no grumpy-looking clouds. Except I'm sitting here shivering by my desk, trying to write notes on the third week of foetal development. You know what, science really takes the fun out of things. I used to smirk at sex-related subjects and somehow find the concept of fertilization hilarious. Now my brain is just like: once the sperm enters, the oocyte depolarizes and the zona pellucida hardens to block polyspermy. And I would've laughed at the word "polyspermy" too, except now it's just not even remotely funny.
Maybe I could've gathered enough immaturity to laugh at "polyspermy" on another day, but currently I just feel like my soul has been shredded by the shitty weather and the mindless revision and memorizing of concepts. This is why I've always liked maths and English. With maths, if I didn't know the answer I could at least use what I have to work it out. With English, if I didn't know the answer I'd make it up and write about why I'm right. Here, I can't make up the answer, and there was no way in hell I was going to logically figure out that the oocyte depolarizes and the zona pellucida hardens to block polyspermy. Not unless I studied the chemical structure of every component involved... oh the thought itself makes me want to puke.
I'd hit my head against the wall for stress-relief if it didn't mean killing my brain cells and thus making me stupider. I wish my body could auto-regulate its stress levels, so whenever I become stressed, my brain releases some sort of chemical to de-stress me. That'd be great.
Alright, back to hardcore revision...
While everything is starting to very slowly fall into place, this is like learning for the first time and understanding for the first time. I haven't had the chance to consolidate my understanding--- so this is like literally learning the thing and then walking into the exam. Oh well. I'm just glad that my memory appears to be amazing for remembering mundane things--- and everything I'm studying right now seems pretty fucking mundane. As I write notes and draw diagrams, my brain is constantly repeating: "haven't seen it before, can't figure out what it is, don't know what it does, searching for a fuck to give... fuck not found".
On top of my brain being highly uncooperative, I'm still freezing. It looks quite hot outside, with the Sun out and no grumpy-looking clouds. Except I'm sitting here shivering by my desk, trying to write notes on the third week of foetal development. You know what, science really takes the fun out of things. I used to smirk at sex-related subjects and somehow find the concept of fertilization hilarious. Now my brain is just like: once the sperm enters, the oocyte depolarizes and the zona pellucida hardens to block polyspermy. And I would've laughed at the word "polyspermy" too, except now it's just not even remotely funny.
Maybe I could've gathered enough immaturity to laugh at "polyspermy" on another day, but currently I just feel like my soul has been shredded by the shitty weather and the mindless revision and memorizing of concepts. This is why I've always liked maths and English. With maths, if I didn't know the answer I could at least use what I have to work it out. With English, if I didn't know the answer I'd make it up and write about why I'm right. Here, I can't make up the answer, and there was no way in hell I was going to logically figure out that the oocyte depolarizes and the zona pellucida hardens to block polyspermy. Not unless I studied the chemical structure of every component involved... oh the thought itself makes me want to puke.
I'd hit my head against the wall for stress-relief if it didn't mean killing my brain cells and thus making me stupider. I wish my body could auto-regulate its stress levels, so whenever I become stressed, my brain releases some sort of chemical to de-stress me. That'd be great.
Alright, back to hardcore revision...
Sunday, 21 April 2013
I need sunshine
Though I've hated sunlight on most occasions, I have come to realize that I may need sunlight to keep warm. I mentioned previously that I would like to be a plant so I could stop eating food--- but unfortunately whilst retaining most of my human properties, I seem to have adopted a strict dependence for sunlight. I felt myself metaphorically wither away yesterday as it rained outside, and now I am freezing inside my room, and I am half convinced that I am about to be engulfed by the next ice age.
It's cold. I'm cold. Everything is cold. I'd much rather be sitting in bed under warm covers, but I need a table to write so I can revise for the upcoming exam. Exams are not fun. I thought study would have- could have- been fun, and I will admit that I was wrong. Study is not fun. Especially not under pressure. Especially not when failing means you have to study more for even longer. Not that I'm going to fail.
I just feel so miserably cold. Even this far up north, where it's closer to the equator, it's still cold as fuck. Yes, I thought winter would be a pleasant change, since I would no longer sweat bucket loads when I walk to school and roast under the flaring Sun; but goddamn I hate winter. I don't have any of that nice stuff that's supposed to come with winter: no hot roasted meats with gravy for dinner, no steaming soup, no hot chocolate and cookies late at night. I also want a fire to warm my feet and a servant to pour me wine- even if I don't drink wine- but it's a nice element of my fancy dreams. Reality means dealing with the fact that it's too cold to be out of bed but I have to be out of bed because fuck it, exams.
Maybe I should consider buying myself a heater. Or invest in making a fluffy shark that can raise its temperature in long winter nights.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
When Things Don't Go To Plan
I'm one of those people who mentally rehearse conversations I'm going to have when I feel stressed about having to talk to someone. Except it never goes to plan. I had it all beautiful mapped out in my mind: I was gonna say all these things in particular orders, and I was going to insert the right expression and the right gestures here and there--- and then I met the person and it all went to shits. As soon as I started talking, my mind blanked and words ran out in random order. Then came the dread of realising that rehearsed conversations don't work when you only have the participation of one party. That was soon followed by an awkward silence because the conversation was over if I didn't do anything more--- and my brain was too non-functional to do anything else. I wish I were one of those people who could calmly bullshit their way out of everything, but all I ever do is start grasping for straws and spouting lies, and when that starts falling apart and contradicting itself, I just lie some more until I realise I've essentially fucked myself over and I should probably never speak about the subject again.
Anyway, that was one unexpected incident. The other thing was that even though I have a test coming soon, I had no intention of studying this weekend, and I had imagined myself attending some other event on both days. Then I got an email late into the night, just as I had arranged transport, that the event was cancelled and I was refunded. While glad that I will be able to study for my exam, at the same time I am sorely disappointed that I have no other excuse.
...Plus there's always that shred of discontent when things don't go the way you expect, even if it turns out for the better.
Anyway, that was one unexpected incident. The other thing was that even though I have a test coming soon, I had no intention of studying this weekend, and I had imagined myself attending some other event on both days. Then I got an email late into the night, just as I had arranged transport, that the event was cancelled and I was refunded. While glad that I will be able to study for my exam, at the same time I am sorely disappointed that I have no other excuse.
...Plus there's always that shred of discontent when things don't go the way you expect, even if it turns out for the better.
Friday, 19 April 2013
Exam Soon
So it's getting to be exam time soon, and I'm somewhere on the verge of freaking out and not-caring. Hard to say. I went to a kind of intense revision session with my friends tonight, and the more we revised the more I sort of freaked out, because there was so much I didn't know. It was amazing, in a way, considering how much I had learnt in so short a time, but then inside I'm still like, "this is not enough".
Argh it really sucks that even now I approach certain topics and I'm like, "you know what, I really don't care. I don't want to know why it happens, I don't want to know what it is, I just want to fix it." Of course there's never an easy way out, and for some reason it seems that you can never resolve a problem without first understanding what the problem is. Sucks, doesn't it?
Despite my slowly increasing stress levels, I must say I had an excellent night. I enjoyed the company of someone who I had never spoken to before, and surprisingly our conversation sort of never slowed and never became dry. I mean I could've totally excused myself and started studying, but I didn't really want to because I was kind of over working for the night.
I suppose I should get some sleep before it's too late. My eyes are starting to shut and it's kind of distracting, being so sleepy...
Argh it really sucks that even now I approach certain topics and I'm like, "you know what, I really don't care. I don't want to know why it happens, I don't want to know what it is, I just want to fix it." Of course there's never an easy way out, and for some reason it seems that you can never resolve a problem without first understanding what the problem is. Sucks, doesn't it?
Despite my slowly increasing stress levels, I must say I had an excellent night. I enjoyed the company of someone who I had never spoken to before, and surprisingly our conversation sort of never slowed and never became dry. I mean I could've totally excused myself and started studying, but I didn't really want to because I was kind of over working for the night.
I suppose I should get some sleep before it's too late. My eyes are starting to shut and it's kind of distracting, being so sleepy...
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
Sleepy
I came home, I did the washing, and I slept. I woke just then and showered, but I don't think I woke because I had enough sleep, but more because I was cold and uncomfortable. As a result I feel like I could collapse at any moment right now, but I haven't done Japanese study in ages, and if I don't catch up I'm likely to fail my final exam.
The one thing I hate about learning a new language is learning the grammar. For some reason a lot of Japanese grammar just felt very intuitive, but when I get given questions like, "which of the following is a noun-adjective" I'm just like, "wut". Sort of like, I can put things into a sentence and it'd sound alright, but if you want to get technical with grammatical terms I'd be screwed.
In fact, I'm quite certain that I can't define proper grammatical rules using their correct names in any language I know. Most of the time it's just that way because it is. Yeah I know you probably think my grammar is poor but come on I'm blogging. As long as I know what I'm saying it can't matter that much.
Anyway I really want to sleep, but at the same time I recognize that I could spend some quality time studying. Dilemmas.
On an unrelated note, my room mate hasn't returned yet and it's 10pm. I wonder if something happened to her. Maybe I should call and check up on her... later...
Or I could just roll over and succumb to sweet, sweet, sleep.
The one thing I hate about learning a new language is learning the grammar. For some reason a lot of Japanese grammar just felt very intuitive, but when I get given questions like, "which of the following is a noun-adjective" I'm just like, "wut". Sort of like, I can put things into a sentence and it'd sound alright, but if you want to get technical with grammatical terms I'd be screwed.
In fact, I'm quite certain that I can't define proper grammatical rules using their correct names in any language I know. Most of the time it's just that way because it is. Yeah I know you probably think my grammar is poor but come on I'm blogging. As long as I know what I'm saying it can't matter that much.
Anyway I really want to sleep, but at the same time I recognize that I could spend some quality time studying. Dilemmas.
On an unrelated note, my room mate hasn't returned yet and it's 10pm. I wonder if something happened to her. Maybe I should call and check up on her... later...
Or I could just roll over and succumb to sweet, sweet, sleep.
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
Expanding Social Circles
So I've made that social advancement where I now consider myself to have more than one friend at this university. It feels freaking wonderful. Why I feel this way? Well, I was doing my usual upload-drawing-to-Facebook-to-get-attention-and-praise thing, except this time somebody actually gave a fuck and said something like, "oh you are so great and wonderful and talented and just amazing in every possible way- you should be hailed as the new God and humanity should all bow down before you because you are just that magnificent".
...
Alright, so nobody actually said that, and I may have simply inferred it by extrapolation, but I'm sure that's what they meant. I just stated it more blatantly.
Before you get the wrong idea, it's not that anyone who praises me automatically becomes my best friend (though if they used the exact words I had inferred, I could make exceptions). It's just so utterly wonderful when someone who doesn't know you that well learns something about you for the first time and appreciates it. My closer friends are more like, "oh, Vane wants attention again, MUST NOT FEED THE ATTENTION SEEKER". Which is kind of sad, really. It's not that I base my entire self-worth on how many "likes" I get on Facebook, but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy constant adulation.
In any case, I am going to stay positive for as long as I can. I feel another wave of irrational happiness coming on. Better ride it while it lasts~!
...
Alright, so nobody actually said that, and I may have simply inferred it by extrapolation, but I'm sure that's what they meant. I just stated it more blatantly.
Before you get the wrong idea, it's not that anyone who praises me automatically becomes my best friend (though if they used the exact words I had inferred, I could make exceptions). It's just so utterly wonderful when someone who doesn't know you that well learns something about you for the first time and appreciates it. My closer friends are more like, "oh, Vane wants attention again, MUST NOT FEED THE ATTENTION SEEKER". Which is kind of sad, really. It's not that I base my entire self-worth on how many "likes" I get on Facebook, but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy constant adulation.
In any case, I am going to stay positive for as long as I can. I feel another wave of irrational happiness coming on. Better ride it while it lasts~!
Not Having School
I'm enjoying the freedom that is "not going to school". On rare occasions I get the entire day free, and I am feeling so content right now I just want to lie in shallow complacency and do nothing. It's a shame that I have tutorial material to prepare for, otherwise I might do just that. I really do feel like I want to go to the beach, but the sky's kind of overcast and it's kind of cold. I am glad that it is no longer stinky hot and humid, but God knows I've always hated winter. If I could find a place where the days consisted of a long-lasting, radiant dusk and the temperature was somewhere around 20 degrees, I'd probably do my best to never leave. Dawn is a nice, but it is too cold, and I've always hated noon, summer or winter.
Maybe I will go out for a bit late afternoon or early evening. Now that I'm feeling less stressed in general I'm giving this "healthy lifestyle" thing a more serious attempt. Yes, my diet is kind of high-sugar-high-salt-high-fat, and I do eat irregularly, but I figure I'll get there eventually. If I stop having KFC cravings. Walking to school is such a pain, but I can sort of justify it by telling myself that I'm exercise--- and it doesn't make walking to school any more appealing, but at least I've given myself a reason for my suffering.
I still want to move to a place where I can conveniently catch a bus to school.
Oh yeah, a few people told me to stop calling school "school", because it was such an American thing to do and it makes it sound immature. I was quite confused, because we are at school. Well, at least I still feel that way. With what, classes which are now called "tutorials" and "lectures", and assignments which make no significant contribution to society and my efforts which pass or fail on someone's opinion. Alright, I'm being cynical again. Oh me~ Regardless, I don't feel like anything's changed in essence, and why would you say "university" instead of "school"? School has less syllables! So some people call it uni--- yeah, I do that too. It just sounds like some sort of casual slang you wouldn't use unless you were in a relaxed situation with your close friends. Why isn't that covered by the "immaturity" bracket?
Erck, people are so pedantic. Sometimes they frustrate to me so much...
Like yesterday in the lecture hall, when it was the last of the day and I was desperate to get out because I felt as if I were a famished refugee. Then all these people just kept on asking the lecturer mundane questions... Oh but what if X and Oh but what if Y and I'm just sitting there, exhausted, thinking, "OH BUT WHAT IF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WE ALL GOT OUT ON TIME". The professors keep on reiterating that there are no such thing as stupid questions. Please, do we live in fairy-rainbow-dreamland? There are stupid questions, like bombarding the lecturer with a endless series of what ifs which you would realise you could solve yourself if you just let the lecturer finish the talk.
Eh, I should get over that. It probably wouldn't have been nearly as bad if I wasn't hungry and desperate to get out. I'll just... think happier thoughts next time that happens, which I am sure it will.
No no no, I call Pink. Pink is love, and a humanitarian like me loves people.
I'll just be like Joshua from now on: I looooove people.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Damn My Appetite
So I haven't eaten properly for about a week because my habits are essentially fucked up. It's always dinner at 9pm and breakfast at whenever I wake up. I decided to regulate my eating habits this week, so I went shopping for the first time in ages and bought some nice stuff. Pasta, tomatoes, onions, carrots, potatoes-- all these vegetables which I didn't mind eating--- and I also bought this gigantic eggplant which I just cooked with lamb for dinner. It tastes kind of awful. But I know it isn't awful. Any other day, I would've happily ate this and thought it tasted quite good. I just don't feel like eating anything.
I steamed some rice because I miss its taste after a week straight of noodles. Oh, and I'm kinda of sick of noodles for now. I really wanted rice noodles but the Asian grocer I went past seemed to be closed, which was horribly disappointing. I also have the biggest urge to stuff my face with hotpot food and gorge on fish tofu, but all I have is my steamed rice, eggplant and lamb. It sounds pleasant enough, but I just don't feel like it right now.
It's one of those things I know--- if I don't eat now, I'm going to be hungry in three hours, and I'll want food. And I won't be bothered to even take food out of the fridge and heat it. I'm just going to drink a fuck tonne of water because everything else is too hard, and I'm going to want to piss in the middle of the night.
Right now I'm slowly chewing on a piece of lamb, and it's taking me forever because I don't actually want to eat it. I feel like a wild beast of some sort--- like a wolf or something, just slowly chewing the shit out of some lamb. It's the first time in a week and a half that I've had meat like this. And I still hate it. I stopped eating meat because I had too much BBQ meat when I went back for Easter, but now it's like I've gotten used to not eating meat and I don't want it any more.
Actually no that's not true. I had cravings for fried chicken last night. And again when I walked past KFC today. Then I didn't get any, because I studied too much about chickens being fat and why fried food, on a chemical level, is bad for you. Now I stare at food and judge it nutritional value, and I have to be hungry to the point of not-caring before I take a bite. I hate myself for it.
And so we arrive at this point, where I have a big bowl of food that would be tasty on most other days, and me sitting typing instead of eating. I want something sweet. Like pecan danish. I went to Woolworths wanting to buy a pecan danish, and much to my horror they didn't have it. They had pavlova, but that was too expensive and I wanted pecan danish.
I wish I could just stop eating. Be like a plant. Drink water, get energy from the sun instead of skin cancer.
Maybe if I eat enough plants I'll develop their ability to photosynthesise.
I steamed some rice because I miss its taste after a week straight of noodles. Oh, and I'm kinda of sick of noodles for now. I really wanted rice noodles but the Asian grocer I went past seemed to be closed, which was horribly disappointing. I also have the biggest urge to stuff my face with hotpot food and gorge on fish tofu, but all I have is my steamed rice, eggplant and lamb. It sounds pleasant enough, but I just don't feel like it right now.
It's one of those things I know--- if I don't eat now, I'm going to be hungry in three hours, and I'll want food. And I won't be bothered to even take food out of the fridge and heat it. I'm just going to drink a fuck tonne of water because everything else is too hard, and I'm going to want to piss in the middle of the night.
Right now I'm slowly chewing on a piece of lamb, and it's taking me forever because I don't actually want to eat it. I feel like a wild beast of some sort--- like a wolf or something, just slowly chewing the shit out of some lamb. It's the first time in a week and a half that I've had meat like this. And I still hate it. I stopped eating meat because I had too much BBQ meat when I went back for Easter, but now it's like I've gotten used to not eating meat and I don't want it any more.
Actually no that's not true. I had cravings for fried chicken last night. And again when I walked past KFC today. Then I didn't get any, because I studied too much about chickens being fat and why fried food, on a chemical level, is bad for you. Now I stare at food and judge it nutritional value, and I have to be hungry to the point of not-caring before I take a bite. I hate myself for it.
And so we arrive at this point, where I have a big bowl of food that would be tasty on most other days, and me sitting typing instead of eating. I want something sweet. Like pecan danish. I went to Woolworths wanting to buy a pecan danish, and much to my horror they didn't have it. They had pavlova, but that was too expensive and I wanted pecan danish.
I wish I could just stop eating. Be like a plant. Drink water, get energy from the sun instead of skin cancer.
Maybe if I eat enough plants I'll develop their ability to photosynthesise.
Saturday, 13 April 2013
Too Dark Too Quickly
It would appear as if I would have to wake earlier if I want more sunlight. I don't remember when I slept last night, but I do recall that I was very tired and I have little will of doing anything. I've wasted my day watching Game of Thrones and eating a massive bowl of noodles which lasted 3 hours, and it's pretty much going to be breakfast, lunch and dinner in one shot. I'd worry about my health but I no longer feel hungry and when I look in the mirror I still don't look as thin as the pretty actresses in Hollywood so I figure I'll be fine.
Now I've pretty much forgotten what it is that I really wanted to do, because I feel as if my brain has turned to mush. My room is pretty dark but I'm too lazy to turn on the lights. As a result my screen is burning my eyes, and I feel really sleepy, which is bad considering all I've done since waking is eating food, going to the bathroom and watch Game of Thrones.
No, actually, I've also been reading forums posts about a game called Devil Survivor Overclocked, which I'll just call DSO because I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing. It's just a remake of Devil Survivor, but it's got some voice acting, improved graphics and an extended storyline. You know, the usual gist- no significant improvements, but minor advances that would've been appreciated if you've never played the first game. I did love the first game though, but I loved the second game more. So when I saw a poll of DSO vs DS 2, my heavily biased self was just like, "NO, YOU LIARS! DS 2 IS OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR." In retrospect I don't know why I bothered, because let's face it, it's got nothing to do with me.
So now I've sort of plunged into a mood where I want to spend money and shop for things, but I don't really have that much money and there's not much I want to get. I was on eBay and I decided that I wanted a khaki green parka, but then I realised I could just get one when I go to China and not pay as much. One of my greatest hobbies used to be shopping for books and video games: but now I don't have time for either and buying them no longer gives me joy. I do want to just sulk and play games for a couple of hours, but my friends are too busy or too far away to play games with me, and I just feel lonelier if I play on my own.
I suppose I could always turn to work and start preparing for next week's classes--- or you know, catch up on everything I haven't studied. At least that way I'll find plenty of "friends" with common interests. Actually, maybe I will make some decent friends if we could all just sit down in the library and build on each other's knowledge, but when I get time off from school I just want to go home and not do anything. I haven't even been into town yet, which is utterly disappointing, but why bother going into town if you have no one to go with. I've always felt pathetic going into a mall and shopping on my own. Then everything is done out of necessity as opposed to leisure. I hate it.
And so my day drones on, the same as my writing. I feel reluctant to end as I have nothing better to say, and what I have said already is mundane enough. I just feel that if I stop I will return to that state where I start thinking about stupid things, and thinking isn't hard but it's scary if you think too much. Now it's like I'm thinking too much about thinking too much.
Better stop writing, it's distressing watching my thoughts pour into words.
Now I've pretty much forgotten what it is that I really wanted to do, because I feel as if my brain has turned to mush. My room is pretty dark but I'm too lazy to turn on the lights. As a result my screen is burning my eyes, and I feel really sleepy, which is bad considering all I've done since waking is eating food, going to the bathroom and watch Game of Thrones.
No, actually, I've also been reading forums posts about a game called Devil Survivor Overclocked, which I'll just call DSO because I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing. It's just a remake of Devil Survivor, but it's got some voice acting, improved graphics and an extended storyline. You know, the usual gist- no significant improvements, but minor advances that would've been appreciated if you've never played the first game. I did love the first game though, but I loved the second game more. So when I saw a poll of DSO vs DS 2, my heavily biased self was just like, "NO, YOU LIARS! DS 2 IS OBVIOUSLY SUPERIOR." In retrospect I don't know why I bothered, because let's face it, it's got nothing to do with me.
So now I've sort of plunged into a mood where I want to spend money and shop for things, but I don't really have that much money and there's not much I want to get. I was on eBay and I decided that I wanted a khaki green parka, but then I realised I could just get one when I go to China and not pay as much. One of my greatest hobbies used to be shopping for books and video games: but now I don't have time for either and buying them no longer gives me joy. I do want to just sulk and play games for a couple of hours, but my friends are too busy or too far away to play games with me, and I just feel lonelier if I play on my own.
I suppose I could always turn to work and start preparing for next week's classes--- or you know, catch up on everything I haven't studied. At least that way I'll find plenty of "friends" with common interests. Actually, maybe I will make some decent friends if we could all just sit down in the library and build on each other's knowledge, but when I get time off from school I just want to go home and not do anything. I haven't even been into town yet, which is utterly disappointing, but why bother going into town if you have no one to go with. I've always felt pathetic going into a mall and shopping on my own. Then everything is done out of necessity as opposed to leisure. I hate it.
And so my day drones on, the same as my writing. I feel reluctant to end as I have nothing better to say, and what I have said already is mundane enough. I just feel that if I stop I will return to that state where I start thinking about stupid things, and thinking isn't hard but it's scary if you think too much. Now it's like I'm thinking too much about thinking too much.
Better stop writing, it's distressing watching my thoughts pour into words.
Friday, 12 April 2013
Game of Thrones
Alright, finally time to write about Game of Thrones, since I am helplessly addicted. Game of Thrones is a TV show based off novels written by George R. R. Martin, and it's about... politics and conflict in a fantasy world, I guess. I do plan on reading the novels in the near future, but right now I've just got so much on my plate, I don't have the time to enjoy reading. TV shows are much simpler--- mindless, and you just passively sit there and watch as everything plays out.
So for starters, Joffrey is definitely the highlight of the show. I think everybody hated Joffrey. After seeing his performance in the show, it's like, impossible not to hate him. However, the more I hate the character, the more I like his actor, Jack Gleeson. How much talent do you need to come across as that much of a douche on TV? It's absolutely amazing. I no longer hate Joffrey, even though he remains despicable- I've just accepted that he's kind of an "evil" character but it doesn't get to me on a personal level.
The characters that do get to me, however, are Sansa and Lady Stark. Sansa is just so horrendously naive and stupid to the degree that it's almost comical. I know she's only meant to be 13, and it would make sense, except the actor who portrays her is definitely older than 13, so she just seems hopeless that someone at her age could behave the ways he does. I know her "innocence", if you like, is what adds to the tragic elements of the plot, because that innocence is manipulated and soiled--- but even then, it frustrates me that she's the way she is. I don't even feel sympathy for her any more.
As for Lady Stark--- I can't quite pin what I hate about her. For some reason she just comes across as a bitch. She somehow reminds me of the mother of that girl who--- oh, you know the gist.
I could go on forever about characters I liked and disliked. The amazing thing about this show is that in terms of major characters, there's not really anyone I feel neutral about. It's always love or hate, never anything in between. Now that I've said that, I guess I'd sound like a total freak if I said I loved Joffrey. But I do love the character, for the way he makes the show so interesting.
Of course, if you haven't watched Game of Thrones, none of this would make much sense to you. I guess what attracted me at first was the massive hype about it, and my desire to wish the novels but not quite having enough time. Then first episode, I was completely drawn in by its scope, as well as you know, the attractive actors, their morally contentious behaviour and of course, the explicit sex scenes. When I see the actors fully naked and acting out explicit sex scenes, I just wonder: wouldn't it be awkward if they became sexually aroused.
Alright, I digress. In conclusion, Game of Thrones is good, and you should watch it.
So for starters, Joffrey is definitely the highlight of the show. I think everybody hated Joffrey. After seeing his performance in the show, it's like, impossible not to hate him. However, the more I hate the character, the more I like his actor, Jack Gleeson. How much talent do you need to come across as that much of a douche on TV? It's absolutely amazing. I no longer hate Joffrey, even though he remains despicable- I've just accepted that he's kind of an "evil" character but it doesn't get to me on a personal level.
The characters that do get to me, however, are Sansa and Lady Stark. Sansa is just so horrendously naive and stupid to the degree that it's almost comical. I know she's only meant to be 13, and it would make sense, except the actor who portrays her is definitely older than 13, so she just seems hopeless that someone at her age could behave the ways he does. I know her "innocence", if you like, is what adds to the tragic elements of the plot, because that innocence is manipulated and soiled--- but even then, it frustrates me that she's the way she is. I don't even feel sympathy for her any more.
As for Lady Stark--- I can't quite pin what I hate about her. For some reason she just comes across as a bitch. She somehow reminds me of the mother of that girl who--- oh, you know the gist.
I could go on forever about characters I liked and disliked. The amazing thing about this show is that in terms of major characters, there's not really anyone I feel neutral about. It's always love or hate, never anything in between. Now that I've said that, I guess I'd sound like a total freak if I said I loved Joffrey. But I do love the character, for the way he makes the show so interesting.
Of course, if you haven't watched Game of Thrones, none of this would make much sense to you. I guess what attracted me at first was the massive hype about it, and my desire to wish the novels but not quite having enough time. Then first episode, I was completely drawn in by its scope, as well as you know, the attractive actors, their morally contentious behaviour and of course, the explicit sex scenes. When I see the actors fully naked and acting out explicit sex scenes, I just wonder: wouldn't it be awkward if they became sexually aroused.
Alright, I digress. In conclusion, Game of Thrones is good, and you should watch it.
Small Victories
1.30am, blogging again. Yeah, I got my assignment in. Of course I did. Who do you think I am? Not handing an assignment on time isn't me. I guess I haven't changed... submitting my assignment only one hour before it is too late. Hah, only because I can now submit my assignments online. I wish I could now jump into celebratory mode- but no, it's late and I'm tired. I don't know why I'm writing, even at this hour. I guess I wanted to share with someone my accomplishments. THERE. Everything does turn out alright, always.
I've panicked, I've freaked, and now I'm at the stage where I hardly feel anything at all. Effect on outcome? Not much. Everything is still left to the absolute last moment, and I always manage to get it in on time. Now it's done. Completed. Off my mind. I hardly have any recollection regarding how I got everything done. I suppose this will be one of the assignments where I look back and think, "huh, I don't remember doing an assignment".
I just wish time would pass faster still. Though when I think about it now, time has already flown past. Every day is so packed, I'm just running myself mad from the little mundane things I have to do. Still not fast enough. I want to go to that time, where I have a basic knowledge and understanding of what I need to do. When I've firmly established and consolidated my purpose in life, and where I feel competent and confident about who I am and what I'm doing.
Though I suppose we must all be content with our small victories at the start.
I've panicked, I've freaked, and now I'm at the stage where I hardly feel anything at all. Effect on outcome? Not much. Everything is still left to the absolute last moment, and I always manage to get it in on time. Now it's done. Completed. Off my mind. I hardly have any recollection regarding how I got everything done. I suppose this will be one of the assignments where I look back and think, "huh, I don't remember doing an assignment".
I just wish time would pass faster still. Though when I think about it now, time has already flown past. Every day is so packed, I'm just running myself mad from the little mundane things I have to do. Still not fast enough. I want to go to that time, where I have a basic knowledge and understanding of what I need to do. When I've firmly established and consolidated my purpose in life, and where I feel competent and confident about who I am and what I'm doing.
Though I suppose we must all be content with our small victories at the start.
Thursday, 11 April 2013
Literal Last Minute Rush
My assignment is due at midnight, and I haven't finished. I don't know why I'm not frantically writing, but my guess is that I got sick of it and don't really feel like doing my assignment any more. It's due, yeah. I don't care. I'd rather blog.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I just think, "you've changed, man". I'd never dream of pulling shit like this. I always got things in on time. Usually by this time I'd be freaking the fuck out, being all jumpy over every little thing. For once my actions coincide with my attitude of not-caring. I'm just sitting here, doing whatever. I do have a dire urge to watch Game of Thrones, and I suspect I am already considered to be in the league of Game of Thrones fanboys. I don't know why I haven't written a blog post purely discussing Game of Thrones yet, but maybe I will later tonight, if I get this assignment finished.
Gah, I will get this assignment finished. I just don't want to do shit right now. Luckily I'm not as tired as I was before- I guess sleeping last night, as opposed to being awake and writing the assignment half-dead was the right choice. Alright, here we go. Workety work.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I just think, "you've changed, man". I'd never dream of pulling shit like this. I always got things in on time. Usually by this time I'd be freaking the fuck out, being all jumpy over every little thing. For once my actions coincide with my attitude of not-caring. I'm just sitting here, doing whatever. I do have a dire urge to watch Game of Thrones, and I suspect I am already considered to be in the league of Game of Thrones fanboys. I don't know why I haven't written a blog post purely discussing Game of Thrones yet, but maybe I will later tonight, if I get this assignment finished.
Gah, I will get this assignment finished. I just don't want to do shit right now. Luckily I'm not as tired as I was before- I guess sleeping last night, as opposed to being awake and writing the assignment half-dead was the right choice. Alright, here we go. Workety work.
Author of my own tragedies
It's woeful knowing that every pain I am experiencing now is largely self-inflicted. I'm tired- I didn't get enough sleep. And the reason I didn't get enough sleep is because I was up late doing my work. The reason I had to rush work at the last minute? Well because I spent all my other time watching Game of Thrones.
So it's 1am and my assignment--- I would call it barely started. I'm going to hand in such a scrappy little thing tomorrow it won't be funny. I'm frustrated to the point where I want to physically injure something- I guess it's good that there's no one here for me to rightly abuse. I don't want to do any work. I don't want to do fucking anything. I just want to lie in bed, go to sleep, and tell my assignment to go fuck itself.
You know what, I feel as if I should've gone drinking tonight. Not that I drink often or even enjoy the act of drinking, but I feel like I should've gone out tonight. Just to get some alcohol in me. I accused my friend of being an alcoholic when he suggested that I go out and get trashed- but now alcohol just seems more and more tempting. Not that I want to get trashed, but I wouldn't mind a drink or two right now. Even if the only benefit to alcohol I know of is in killing bacteria.
Sometimes I wonder; if I wrote a book about my whimsical worries, what genre would it fall under? Autobiographical? Titled "The Miseries of My Life". I used to imagine that I was the protagonist in someone's novel, and that I would never die, I could have a few close scrapes but I'd turn out alright. Everything is just an adventure, and all my troubles just go away. Then I came to the realisation that I am literally the author of my own story, but it's not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
For who would want to be the author of their own tragedies?
So it's 1am and my assignment--- I would call it barely started. I'm going to hand in such a scrappy little thing tomorrow it won't be funny. I'm frustrated to the point where I want to physically injure something- I guess it's good that there's no one here for me to rightly abuse. I don't want to do any work. I don't want to do fucking anything. I just want to lie in bed, go to sleep, and tell my assignment to go fuck itself.
You know what, I feel as if I should've gone drinking tonight. Not that I drink often or even enjoy the act of drinking, but I feel like I should've gone out tonight. Just to get some alcohol in me. I accused my friend of being an alcoholic when he suggested that I go out and get trashed- but now alcohol just seems more and more tempting. Not that I want to get trashed, but I wouldn't mind a drink or two right now. Even if the only benefit to alcohol I know of is in killing bacteria.
Sometimes I wonder; if I wrote a book about my whimsical worries, what genre would it fall under? Autobiographical? Titled "The Miseries of My Life". I used to imagine that I was the protagonist in someone's novel, and that I would never die, I could have a few close scrapes but I'd turn out alright. Everything is just an adventure, and all my troubles just go away. Then I came to the realisation that I am literally the author of my own story, but it's not nearly as exciting as it sounds.
For who would want to be the author of their own tragedies?
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
Life is Tragic
So today I had school; weather was lovely--- and by lovely I mean I walked to school in black pants and a black shirt without getting drenched in my own sweat. It was suuuch a sweet feeling, you have no idea. Class was good: for once I came prepared and did most of my work, so when discussion ensued I actually knew what we were talking about. Then I went out for practical work and established that I was actually okay at most things.
Anyway, I get driven home in the car of one of my new friends (I now consider myself to have four new "friends", and at least another 4 on decent speaking terms), and it's all fine and dandy. A long day has passed, and I have one assignment left and I don't need to freak the fuck out. I go to the backyard to take in the washing which I left out since yesterday morning (because it rained yesterday afternoon so I just left it hanging), and then I realise my clothes are kind of gross (even though it's dry) and should probably be re-washed.
As I take each item of clothing down, I noticed something--- my underwear was covered in bird shit. I mean, of allllll fucking things, my underwear got shat on. COME ON. Even I don't shit in my own underwear, and a bird does? Like, what the fuuuuck?
And the most tragic thing is, my initial reaction was "I wonder if I can contract avian influenza from this"
Anyway, I get driven home in the car of one of my new friends (I now consider myself to have four new "friends", and at least another 4 on decent speaking terms), and it's all fine and dandy. A long day has passed, and I have one assignment left and I don't need to freak the fuck out. I go to the backyard to take in the washing which I left out since yesterday morning (because it rained yesterday afternoon so I just left it hanging), and then I realise my clothes are kind of gross (even though it's dry) and should probably be re-washed.
As I take each item of clothing down, I noticed something--- my underwear was covered in bird shit. I mean, of allllll fucking things, my underwear got shat on. COME ON. Even I don't shit in my own underwear, and a bird does? Like, what the fuuuuck?
And the most tragic thing is, my initial reaction was "I wonder if I can contract avian influenza from this"
The Sad Sad Truth
I feel my internal stress rising once again, as it had last year. Then I realised something: nothing's really changed that much. Okay, so I'm physically distanced from parents I can no longer stand. Except they call me at least twice a week for 30min each time. At times it frustrates me to the point where I just want to hang up abruptly. I still remember, when I answered the phone, as soon as I heard the voice--- my body responded on its own, and I became vastly irritated.
Gah, let's not think about those things now. I have work due. I have so much fucking work due it's not funny. If I don't do a substantial amount tonight, it will be a mad rush post-midnight finish tomorrow. And I don't think I can stand it any more. For two years I've slowly adjusted to surviving on minimal sleep of 6ish hours, and working my assignments til late night because I just didn't have the time. Now I have time. I have plenty of time. I've just decided I'd rather binge on watching TV shows instead. I've finished 4 seasons of The Big Bang Theory and I started How I Met Your Mother but I decided I didn't really like it. Now I'm watching the Game of Thrones and it has me absolutely hooked. The acting is so wonderful, it's quite astounding.
Not that I have peace of mind to enjoy the good acting. I'm being slowly crushed by the pressure presented. I always thought the deal was that I would suffer through 2 years of college; supposedly the most stressful 2 years of my life. And it was stressful, no doubt, but I had immense fun in the second year, so the stress became bearable. Now, throw me into university, expect me to work at the same level as I did in college--- and it's just not going to happen. I've done it already. I've survived two hard and long years, minimal sleep, minimal happiness, borderline depression. I am not going to be like that for the next five years, also. I may have the stress capacity to manage it--- but I don't want to.
It's so sad realising that the deal was never "two years of suffering and then happily ever after". It's two years of suffering, then you're out in the open, and life is as shit or as good as you make it. I guess I could always try to be happier...
I was just always under the impression that happiness came as a graduation present...
Gah, let's not think about those things now. I have work due. I have so much fucking work due it's not funny. If I don't do a substantial amount tonight, it will be a mad rush post-midnight finish tomorrow. And I don't think I can stand it any more. For two years I've slowly adjusted to surviving on minimal sleep of 6ish hours, and working my assignments til late night because I just didn't have the time. Now I have time. I have plenty of time. I've just decided I'd rather binge on watching TV shows instead. I've finished 4 seasons of The Big Bang Theory and I started How I Met Your Mother but I decided I didn't really like it. Now I'm watching the Game of Thrones and it has me absolutely hooked. The acting is so wonderful, it's quite astounding.
Not that I have peace of mind to enjoy the good acting. I'm being slowly crushed by the pressure presented. I always thought the deal was that I would suffer through 2 years of college; supposedly the most stressful 2 years of my life. And it was stressful, no doubt, but I had immense fun in the second year, so the stress became bearable. Now, throw me into university, expect me to work at the same level as I did in college--- and it's just not going to happen. I've done it already. I've survived two hard and long years, minimal sleep, minimal happiness, borderline depression. I am not going to be like that for the next five years, also. I may have the stress capacity to manage it--- but I don't want to.
It's so sad realising that the deal was never "two years of suffering and then happily ever after". It's two years of suffering, then you're out in the open, and life is as shit or as good as you make it. I guess I could always try to be happier...
I was just always under the impression that happiness came as a graduation present...
Sunday, 7 April 2013
Me; Explorer
I went out for a walk, because staying in the house all day is well and truly suffocating. Having moved to a new town, this is actually the first time I've gone out for a leisurely walk. I must say, the routes were not nearly as scenic as my old ones, with neat laid out paths, tall reeds and little ponds with ducks in them. I walk down the street- and there were no paths, only the road which looks like it needs to be repaired and the front lawn of local residents. So I casually stomp across the badly-tended lawns, for fear of getting run over by reckless drivers which seem to populate this town.
I got to the end of the street I live, and walk about 10 steps before I realize that there was a cemetery across the road. It was a not a large cemetery; the fences looked more decorative than protective. I guess it's lucky that there doesn't seem to be many rabbits around. I walk in casually because there was no gate and no obvious enclosure except for the decorative fence which only stretched about 100 meters. I don't know what prompted me to visit a cemetery on a leisurely walk.
Now that I think about it, there was a cemetery quite close to where I used to live before, too. It was further away but still within walking distance, and I drove past it almost every day. Maybe I just have an affinity for these things...
Anyway, I walked into the cemetery, and it was actually quite a pretty sight, if you overlooked what the neat little marble stones represented. The Sun was warm and orange, so it cast pretty lights across the slopes the cemetery was built on. I spotted a little cottage a bit further into the cemetery, and for a moment I understood why anyone would want to live there.
After that I just kinda left the cemetery and walked around the suburb aimlessly. It wasn't very exciting, now that I think about it. In the end it makes no sense- I can't believe I walked into a cemetery for no good reason, other than it was "pretty" and I wanted to take a look. I feel like a 5 year old...
And thus concludes my recount of my adventures today.
I got to the end of the street I live, and walk about 10 steps before I realize that there was a cemetery across the road. It was a not a large cemetery; the fences looked more decorative than protective. I guess it's lucky that there doesn't seem to be many rabbits around. I walk in casually because there was no gate and no obvious enclosure except for the decorative fence which only stretched about 100 meters. I don't know what prompted me to visit a cemetery on a leisurely walk.
Now that I think about it, there was a cemetery quite close to where I used to live before, too. It was further away but still within walking distance, and I drove past it almost every day. Maybe I just have an affinity for these things...
Anyway, I walked into the cemetery, and it was actually quite a pretty sight, if you overlooked what the neat little marble stones represented. The Sun was warm and orange, so it cast pretty lights across the slopes the cemetery was built on. I spotted a little cottage a bit further into the cemetery, and for a moment I understood why anyone would want to live there.
After that I just kinda left the cemetery and walked around the suburb aimlessly. It wasn't very exciting, now that I think about it. In the end it makes no sense- I can't believe I walked into a cemetery for no good reason, other than it was "pretty" and I wanted to take a look. I feel like a 5 year old...
And thus concludes my recount of my adventures today.
Saturday, 6 April 2013
History of Friendships
I think I've complained about the matter of "not making friends" quite often since I moved, but I realized just now that it might not be such a big deal. I... might've always been this way, but I've just never realized it.
So I think back to my earliest memories, and my best friend's family was familiar with my own, and so we went to the same school, each skipped a grade at the same time and basically treated the other's house like our own. Then I moved away at the end of year 2--- and if I recall correctly, I did not make a single friend for the entire 7 months I was at my new school, and I was on speaking terms with maybe 4 people by the end of it. I of course naturally attributed that to my inability to speak English.
Then I move schools again, and for the rest of the school year, I made no friends. Year 4, however, brought on the best year of my life--- I spent little effort at school doing anything because by then my English was better than almost everyone in my class, and I'm Asian, so I can math (yes, "math" is a verb now). Anyway, I spent the entire year playing handball, and I have 4 close friends who essentially entertained me all year. Except now that I think about it... none of them were my age. 3 of them were 2 years my senior and the other was a year older.
Year 5 and 6 I merged into a different friendship group, because 3 of my previous friends had graduated and the other was somehow too cool for me now so he stopped playing with me (I literally got ditched after the Christmas break). My new friends, instead of being active, preferred to sit around and make quirky conversation. I enjoyed it, despite missing playing handball every recess and lunch I had.
Then that friendship group and I went separate ways, because I decided to go to a high school with class for "academically gifted" children. Now that I think back, the "academically gifted" thing wasn't even that special, the work was harder but not hard enough to be challenging, and essentially all it did was lump me with a bunch of other kids who also thought they were the greatest beings in existence. Anyway, it just so happened that one of my new classmates went to the same primary school as me, and he became my best friend, even though I hardly ever spoke to him before then. I figure it was more a result of consequence as opposed to compatibility, because he changed towards the end of the year when he found someone who he had more common interests with, and all of a sudden we weren't best friends any more. I wouldn't call this one a "ditch", however, because I acted like a complete asshole when I realized my best friend was getting "stolen" and stopped talking to him, but to be fair he did change in a dislikeable way.
Then came year 8, and I was without a best friend. Luckily in the previous year I had socialized enough with the people in my elitist class to merge in with the big group. I spent all of year 8 playing card games in the library, and bonded well with about half the class--- the other half I wouldn't say I disliked but they weren't my kind of people, so I pretended they weren't there.
And so I kept on for the rest of my years at high school, seldom going out of my "academically gifted" social group. I had maybe 4 or 5 people outside the group who I was friends with, and I deemed everyone else too stupid for my time. I still remember one day, to tease me, a couple of my classmates insisted that Taiwan was a country, and I maintained that there was a difference between a country and a self-governing state. Anyway, some other kids joined my classmates in their claim that Taiwan was a country, except they weren't doing it to tease me; they sincerely believed that Taiwan was a country. My classmates laughed for quite a bit, I assume it was because I was getting told off by kids we considered as "not very bright". That was a significant event which contributed to my cynical attitude of "people are generally stupid, and they don't like keeping that to themselves".
Moving on, I went to college, and basically all my friends from that "academically gifted" class went to the same college I did. However, I still spent the first term relatively alone, because you could choose your own classes, and for various reasons none of my friends were even in the same classes as me. Then by term 2 I had so much work I no longer cared for much social interaction, so all I did was talk to a couple of people on MSN, who I was quite close with from high school.
...Then, strangely, somewhere along the way, I picked up a couple of dear friends who I either didn't speak to much at high school or had only met in college. Now that, that is the glorious event I am trying to pick apart. How did we become friends? I can't remember. I really can't. What was our first conversation? I don't even fucking now. One thing I do know is... we never directly approached each other, and never started with, "Hi, my name is _________ and I come from __________"
And the line described above, I swear, is the line that everybody uses in university. They go up to someone, introduce themselves, and BAM, end of conversation. It is so incredibly awkward I don't know why people do it. I don't even fucking know why it's encouraged. It's supposed to build social confidence? Maybe. But as far as I see, that is what I'd do if I wanted to ask them to donate to charity, not if I wanted to be their friend.
No... by my observations, there is more to a friendship than a shitty simple introduction. Yes, the introduction could well be a catalyst, but I do not believe that friendship will necessarily be the end-product. Though of course that could just be me. They say that friends have similar personalities--- well, perhaps I need friends who match my disposition of "liking to maintain social distance" and "generally warms to people slowly". I believe I am the sort of person who much prefers to bond with people over a mentally stimulating activity--- like how all my closest friends and I studied higher level maths...
Oh geez, now that I think about it, it was probably the maths. We studied maths together and bonded over solving mathematical problems. ...I think I've found my answer.
Anyway, given my record, I should just let the "I can't make friends" thing go. Historically speaking it takes about a year for me to form a relationship solid enough for me to call "friendship", and now that I no longer study mathematics, I can expect that it may take even longer before I find compatible friends.
Huh, who would have thought that maths could have a positive influence on social bonding?
Friday, 5 April 2013
Fine Day
It's a fine day outside. The weather has finally cleared. I, of course, chose to sleep the entire morning, and it is now strictly afternoon. I haven't had any breakfast yet, but I am under no motivation to make any despite being somewhat hungry.
I should be doing work--- and I should always be doing work, but as usual I'm not. I've been trying to draw something that I can clearly see in my head, but it doesn't translate on to paper. I wish I were a more skilled artist. Out of frustration, I've snapped the lead of my pencil several times. And before you suggest--- I do not have anger management issues.
I have the biggest urge ever to play games. It's not unusual--- I have a new powerful laptop that can run a lot of things without slowing down, and the keyboard doesn't jam like the one I have on my desktop. Of course the biggest dilemma is always going to be the work due on Wednesday and Thursday, and whatever shit might pop up later. It makes me stressed just thinking about it.
Perhaps I'll go for a walk this afternoon to ease my mind of these mundane stresses. Or I could consider finishing my work early for once, and not having a reason to stress at all.
...If only I were a more... well, if only I gave more of a shit about my studies. I just want to experience "the best time of life" that everyone keeps talking about--- but as far as I can see, it's just work work and more work, all the way until I step into the grave.
WTF am I doing with my life.
I should be doing work--- and I should always be doing work, but as usual I'm not. I've been trying to draw something that I can clearly see in my head, but it doesn't translate on to paper. I wish I were a more skilled artist. Out of frustration, I've snapped the lead of my pencil several times. And before you suggest--- I do not have anger management issues.
I have the biggest urge ever to play games. It's not unusual--- I have a new powerful laptop that can run a lot of things without slowing down, and the keyboard doesn't jam like the one I have on my desktop. Of course the biggest dilemma is always going to be the work due on Wednesday and Thursday, and whatever shit might pop up later. It makes me stressed just thinking about it.
Perhaps I'll go for a walk this afternoon to ease my mind of these mundane stresses. Or I could consider finishing my work early for once, and not having a reason to stress at all.
...If only I were a more... well, if only I gave more of a shit about my studies. I just want to experience "the best time of life" that everyone keeps talking about--- but as far as I can see, it's just work work and more work, all the way until I step into the grave.
WTF am I doing with my life.
Thursday, 4 April 2013
Back Up North
Though I constantly complain about it being hot and humid up north, every time I've travelled up here, it's rained. Like today. Good thing it didn't pour on me as I got off the train, otherwise that would've been a bitch to handle. I was already having difficulty holding on to all my luggage. My mother decided to pack me a whole bunch of crap I'm not quite sure I need, and when I had my backpack on I effectively doubled in size. Then I had another bag packed with a heavy-ass textbook, which would've gone in my backpack if my mother didn't already stuff it full. Then she gave me another container which weighed like 10kg to carry, and it was packed full of food. Sure, it was good food, but I reached the conclusion that I'd rather not eat and not carry anything up. I contemplated just leaving all the food behind, but I did not want to endure the rage that would ensue after such an action.
I feel sort of guilty, by complaining about the weight of the food someone went to the trouble of making for me especially. I mean, I did tell her not to make stuff...
Gah, I'm a jerk. Travelling with so much crap was difficult, but I do appreciate it.
Now that I'm sitting in my usual place in my rented house, I realize that I miss the concept of a home. When I went back for Easter, my parents weren't being colossal pains--- which was something I haven't had since I don't remember when. I'm sure they put in effort to not annoy me because I was only back for such a short time, but already I'm considering moving back post-graduation. I have to constantly remind myself not to fall back into the trap of "food which magically appears", because the trade-off is massive.
Anyway, night's getting late, and I'm on my own again. Though I could technically sleep whenever I want, I'll just call it a night. I haven't done much except for sitting on buses/coaches/trains all day, but travelling is tiring, okay?
I really should go explore this town more. Maybe I'll start to like it.
I feel sort of guilty, by complaining about the weight of the food someone went to the trouble of making for me especially. I mean, I did tell her not to make stuff...
Gah, I'm a jerk. Travelling with so much crap was difficult, but I do appreciate it.
Now that I'm sitting in my usual place in my rented house, I realize that I miss the concept of a home. When I went back for Easter, my parents weren't being colossal pains--- which was something I haven't had since I don't remember when. I'm sure they put in effort to not annoy me because I was only back for such a short time, but already I'm considering moving back post-graduation. I have to constantly remind myself not to fall back into the trap of "food which magically appears", because the trade-off is massive.
Anyway, night's getting late, and I'm on my own again. Though I could technically sleep whenever I want, I'll just call it a night. I haven't done much except for sitting on buses/coaches/trains all day, but travelling is tiring, okay?
I really should go explore this town more. Maybe I'll start to like it.
Wednesday, 3 April 2013
Back to the Past
So I went with two of my best friends and I visited college again. It actually hasn't been that long since I left there. About 3 months, ish. Like, nothing had changed, except everything had. I still felt like I melted right in, but I look at the foreign faces around me and realize that it's a different year-group, and no, I am actually not part of this anymore. They were in test week, I look at them all stressed about the upcoming maths exam, whether or not they'd covered a certain concept, and bitching about the average and standard deviation--- and I notice how I'm not stressed at all. It's a strange feeling, thinking that, "huh, that was me, not long ago. In fact, that was like... less than 6 months ago." Then I feel as if I've been separated from my college days by a glass wall--- I can most certainly look back, but I'll always be kept out by this invisible partition known as "growing up".
As I walked along the corridors of college I realized: curling up in a ball of stress and complaining about everything is complacency in itself. I've been on a seemingly endless routine of feeling stressed, thinking that my life has sunk to the shits, bitching about parents and complaining about friends, then feeling irrationally happy for a day or two, before feeling like shit again. Yet somewhere along the way, I had somehow adjusted to that, and accepted the fact that, "yes, I stress a lot", and "yes, I complain a lot". Now I take everything for granted and have no intention of changing my habits.
Currently? I'm all right. Even though I'm with my parents for Easter, they haven't done anything to upset me. I, on the other hand, must have caused a lot of grief. Funny that, I can appreciate the fact that I'm annoying to have around now. When I think about it... to this household, I'm like a phantom which only appears during dinner time to share the food, I contribute to the washing that needs to be done weekly, aaaand... actually, there's not much else. Huh, when I put it that way, I wasn't that bad.
Anyway, I went back to school but everything was same-but-different. I hated it, because I feel as if I had made no substantial improvements from the old "me". I am still socially awkward in my own right--- not necessarily in saying anything offensive to stunt conversation, but more along the lines of refusing to initiate or making no effort to propagate the conversation in the first place. Ah, I'm still doing that thing where I want to talk to someone desperately but refuses to make the first move. Out of some twisted form of self-preservation, I refuse to appear needy or dependent. By logic, not many will actually recognize me as pathetically needy, but I am so self-centered that I refuse to take the chance.
A prime example would be how I refuse to add people to my friend's list on facebook. Unless I've known them for years, and we're close friends. That's a different matter, because a mutual friendship is already well-established. But for people I'm not particularly familiar with, I just think--- "no no no, you add me, because you're the one who wants to know me more than I want to know you" Of course that's really not the case, because if I think along that track it's probably because I have decent interest in the person.
...I'm just sort-of-twisted like that.
Gah, in any case, I visited my old school today, and I'm glad I did, even if it did make me feel a bit strange. I met my teachers again---and I was happy for that. I don't think I necessarily want to go back to the past--- because the present is pretty sweet... but I still feel that this isn't where I want to be in my life, and I want to move on as quickly as possible.
Life becomes so complicated past midnight.
As I walked along the corridors of college I realized: curling up in a ball of stress and complaining about everything is complacency in itself. I've been on a seemingly endless routine of feeling stressed, thinking that my life has sunk to the shits, bitching about parents and complaining about friends, then feeling irrationally happy for a day or two, before feeling like shit again. Yet somewhere along the way, I had somehow adjusted to that, and accepted the fact that, "yes, I stress a lot", and "yes, I complain a lot". Now I take everything for granted and have no intention of changing my habits.
Currently? I'm all right. Even though I'm with my parents for Easter, they haven't done anything to upset me. I, on the other hand, must have caused a lot of grief. Funny that, I can appreciate the fact that I'm annoying to have around now. When I think about it... to this household, I'm like a phantom which only appears during dinner time to share the food, I contribute to the washing that needs to be done weekly, aaaand... actually, there's not much else. Huh, when I put it that way, I wasn't that bad.
Anyway, I went back to school but everything was same-but-different. I hated it, because I feel as if I had made no substantial improvements from the old "me". I am still socially awkward in my own right--- not necessarily in saying anything offensive to stunt conversation, but more along the lines of refusing to initiate or making no effort to propagate the conversation in the first place. Ah, I'm still doing that thing where I want to talk to someone desperately but refuses to make the first move. Out of some twisted form of self-preservation, I refuse to appear needy or dependent. By logic, not many will actually recognize me as pathetically needy, but I am so self-centered that I refuse to take the chance.
A prime example would be how I refuse to add people to my friend's list on facebook. Unless I've known them for years, and we're close friends. That's a different matter, because a mutual friendship is already well-established. But for people I'm not particularly familiar with, I just think--- "no no no, you add me, because you're the one who wants to know me more than I want to know you" Of course that's really not the case, because if I think along that track it's probably because I have decent interest in the person.
...I'm just sort-of-twisted like that.
Gah, in any case, I visited my old school today, and I'm glad I did, even if it did make me feel a bit strange. I met my teachers again---and I was happy for that. I don't think I necessarily want to go back to the past--- because the present is pretty sweet... but I still feel that this isn't where I want to be in my life, and I want to move on as quickly as possible.
Life becomes so complicated past midnight.
Tuesday, 2 April 2013
Recurring Guilt
I realized that even though I've advanced to tertiary education, my habits are still no better than they were before. I am still perfectly capable of sleeping through a bright and sunny morning, then wallow in perfect complacency for the rest of my daylight hours. When night falls, I start feeling irritated, because that's when I should ideally start working. Except it doesn't happen, and I start feeling agitated instead. I don't know why I prefer to do literally anything else to studying--- I thought I didn't mind studying.
Sometimes I feel as if I had never really graduated--- my workload hasn't gotten any better, it's just that I'm now even less aware of when things are due and what I should be up to, because I no longer have a good unit outline. I used to be able to figure out where I was up to- now, I just look at it and figure that I can sorta do whatever I want except finish everything before exams come around. I have a feeling I'm going to have a breakdown at exam time, over the sheer amount of work which I haven't learnt and haven't covered.
So now, I could be studying instead of writing. But I'm not doing that. In fact, I'm going to leave the house and meet some friends in about 10 minutes....
Definitely not looking forward to exams.
Sometimes I feel as if I had never really graduated--- my workload hasn't gotten any better, it's just that I'm now even less aware of when things are due and what I should be up to, because I no longer have a good unit outline. I used to be able to figure out where I was up to- now, I just look at it and figure that I can sorta do whatever I want except finish everything before exams come around. I have a feeling I'm going to have a breakdown at exam time, over the sheer amount of work which I haven't learnt and haven't covered.
So now, I could be studying instead of writing. But I'm not doing that. In fact, I'm going to leave the house and meet some friends in about 10 minutes....
Definitely not looking forward to exams.
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