Yuri!!! On Ice

This is THE anime of 2016, really. I thought it was a treat getting a 5th season of Natsume Yuujinchou (that show still tugs at my heartstrings) but Yuri!!! On Ice (YOI) made history (heh). For reals though when I saw the title I thought of ice as in the recreational drug, as opposed to a show about competitive figure skating...

-----------Welcome to spoiler territory--------------------

YOI was really atypical for what was marketed as a sports anime. Even though the main character, Katsuki Yuri, was a bit of a disappointment in terms of his figure skating career, I didn't come to hate him for his weakness, like I do so many other protagonists. Yuri's experience resonated with a lot of traumatic experiences I've had in regards to anxiety, and his desire to perform and to redeem himself, despite seeing himself as "average" is a strange oxymoron that I feel I relate to. The fact that he struggles on is probably my favorite part of this show- he doesn't just randomly "get over it", his anxiety is still there- he just performs despite his anxiety.

The other part of YOI brings up a strange topic for me- the portrayal of relationships. I don't know why, but for a lot of media directed towards women, specifically, there are a lot of suggestions of homoeroticism. Not that there's anything inherently WRONG with that, but I don't like it when it's forced into the story, when the characters are actually independent of each other. A term I've seen used is "queerbaiting", where the show displays subtexts of a queer relationship without any intention of following through the relationship on screen. That's what I thought I was in for, with this anime.

From episode one there's this ?random scene of a handsome guy called Viktor Nikiforov showing up in a hot spring resort run by Yuri's parents, and he decides to stand up, in his glorious nudity, and says "Yuri I'll be your coach". I mean, whew, what an introduction. It was comical, so I laughed it off, but I started getting a bit annoyed in subsequent episodes, where there would be small scenes of Viktor pressing on Yuri's lips with his fingers, or scenes of close physical contact with Yuri. I was kind of jaded at that point, and I thought, "wow I wish they'd stop, if they're not going to take this any where. If it's a show about skating then focus on the fucking skating". About half way through though, there was a change in mood, and Yuri and Viktor's relationship began to seem more and more authentic. I thought, "can this show get more gay", and then show told me that "yes, yes it can".

By episode 10 Viktor and Yuri are engaged, and then it dawned on me. Huh. That's it. They're engaged. They're like, actually gay. I wasn't just "seeing things" because I think the characters are cute together. It's not queerbaiting after all. Holy fuck this show is ACTUALLY portraying a gay relationship. My jaw hit the floor. It's not that I didn't see it coming, but it's more like I saw so much of it and dismissed EVERYTHING, and then it's like, "wait, what????" Well, I definitely didn't see the engagement coming, because I didn't expect their relationship to go anywhere. It was such a strangely pleasant surprise.

Huh...they're swapping rings...huh.

Today the last episode aired, and I woke up early-ish to watch it. It was... kind of disappointing. I felt like I had zero closure, empty and hollow on the inside. The climax of the anime was this event called the Grand Prix Finals, which is like, an international skating competition that has a bit of prestige in the skating community. I knew shit all about skating before this anime, and it's like a different world. Anyway, Yuri barely qualifies for the finals, and he finishes 4th in the first half of the program, having messed up some moves. I expected him to make a comeback in his free skating and win gold, but uh, he ends up getting silver by 0.12 points. There was so much talk and build up and I just really wanted him to win, he's the protagonist and all. I can tell it's this show wanting to surprise us, being like, "hahah, you expect the protagonist to make a comeback and win, but jokes on you, he comes second but he's still happy about it". Except I'm all, "wait, I'm not happy about it. Fuck this show".

Like, surprises are nice, they're refreshing. YOI is immensely refreshing, since it breaks all your expectations and cliches. HOWEVER, cliches are used for a reason. Just because Yuri winning gold at the end of the anime would be cliche, doesn't mean it's a bad thing. Like for fuck's sake why do I care about his RIVAL winning gold. Fuck that leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

Anyway the show's setting up for a season 2, and because I'm so dissatisfied with the way season 1 ended, I'll definitely watch season 2. Mostly because I'm bitter and whewww that ending felt so...rushed. Like, without a season 2, this would just be another anime that started so well and ended in spectacular mediocrity. I mean, it's nothing compared to the Bleach ending, but I don't really want to follow a show that pulls a "Bleach ending" on me.

YOI did get me interested in real life figure skating though. In the men's singles, the reigning world champ is this guy called Hanyu Yuzuru, and I looked up his record-breaking performances. He literally skates like an anime character, with his flashy moves and perfection. I mean, you can draw a character and have that character be perfect, but Yuzuru matches that, which means he's a bit of a legend.

Welp, I'm really looking forward to next year now. If YOI ends in a similar manner in season 2, I'm so fucking done.

Season of Love

It's strange how I live my life paralyzed with fear sometimes, only to discover that I am loved more than I ever realized. There have been so many things I've wanted to say to so many people, but nothing meaningful escapes my lips. It was fine, though. They talked instead, and they said all the things I should have said, and gave all the replies I wanted to hear, and in the end there was no need for apologies, as my shame and my guilt and my fears have been forgiven. All I could give then, was "thank you".

Maybe it's time for me to move beyond the fact that my parents don't know me, or that they love me very conditionally. I may be their eternal shame, but today I experienced from another a magnitude of unexpected kindness that shook my world. Just because my parents brought me to this world doesn't mean they will support me or…anything. It doesn't mean anything. Yet time and time again other people have let me know that I deserve to live in this world, and that my will to live on is justified.

Parental love is perhaps one thing I will never receive, but it is clear to me now that I am loved by others around me. I could not sustain myself without the affection of others, but I now accept that affection from my parents is unnecessary. I've spent so long basking in good fortune, but I was blinded by my misery. And now I know, I really do have it all.

Thank you for your love. Thank you for your kindness.

One Month Later

Every year I feel like I've hit a new low in life, but towards the end of this year, life has been surprisingly good. Never mind that I started in January in the worst throes of depression, as of now, I feel good.

For the first time since medical school started, I felt confident that I had passed the semester. Not that I didn't brace myself for failure, but I thought I did "alright" on my papers. I was a bit hesitant in my oral exam, and failed spectacularly in some stations, but otherwise I think I was fine. And so it wasn't much surprise that I had passed, but it was still the greatest relief. I had such a good time this semester, if I didn't have the results to show for it, it would have been highly disappointing. Also I feel as if I worked decently hard, so if I had to repeat that (and put in more effort, in that case) I would have been quite devastated.

I hardly blogged at all this semester, so let me tell you a bit about school.

I kicked off the semester with an elective in cardiothoracic surgery. "Open heart surgery", if you will. Yeah, I got to see the beating heart in someone's chest, and it slowly came to a stop as the potassium kicked in. The person was kept alive through a bypass machine. I must have told you at least once before, but the theatres were fucking freezing, and the whole thing was interesting for roughly one minute before I wanted to escape. Too bad open heart surgery takes HOURS to complete. Anyway I got through that without doing a lot of work, but I didn't have a lot of commitment either, so I got out feeling quite alright.

Then I had a 2 week holiday, most of which I spent playing League.

A two week geriatrics rotation, which was interesting in terms of pathology and disease, but downright depressing when it came to the patients. I've never seen anyone so vulnerable- the compound of age, disease and frailty is a scary sight to behold.

Then I started a six week internal medicine rotation, where I did not-much-work-at-all, until I knew I had exams coming up, so I ramped up my hours and effort invested. It got really stressful at one point, because I managed to FAIL a practise exam. I had 2 actual exams, and I'd passed one of them already, but between that and my final, I failed a round of practise quite spectacularly, and it was the most stressful thing. I did pass my final quite easily, so in retrospect I probably had a bad day when I'd fail practise. The 6 week rotation itself was rather uneventful. I couldn't quite tell you what I learnt or didn't learn, but I do feel better for having done it.

Afterwards it was a challenge of a whole new different level. I knew from the start that surgery wasn't my thing, but it's a course-requirement so I rolled with it. Getting out of bed at 5.30am was probably the worst thing about it. I did become incredibly disciplined through that habit, though. If you have enough will to force yourself out of bed at 5.30am, you have enough will to force yourself to study. I crunched through the textbook, the question banks, practise papers... you name it. The only thing I regret is my lack of clinical exposure- not that I didn't go to clinics, but it was all very... hazy. I didn't feel very involved, and it's something I'll have to work on next year.

Exams were a nightmare of their own, despite my preparation, I never did truly feel "ready". My written papers were "alright", as I mentioned before, then I had a 3 day panic attack leading up to my oral exam. I think I fasted from 8pm to 2pm the next day, because I couldn't eat until my exam was over. I didn't want to feel food churning in my stomach as I panicked, and the last thing I needed was intense vomiting before the exam. It was mostly...okay? A bit of a disaster, granted, but only a bit.

Then school was over, and I went out with my friends, spent a lot of money, ate lots of good food, and it was just really pleasant, in general. Now I'm on holidays, spending way too much time playing League once again, and the binge is quite real. The guilt of it all- my decadence and deplorable sloth- finally got to me yesterday. I started reviewing course content from previous years, and it stunned me how EASY it was to read. For once I understood what textbooks spoke about, words made sense, and I didn't have to search up every second word in the sentence in a medical dictionary. Nobody warns you that medicine is a foreign language to be learned- and no, Latin does not help as much as you think it would.

It's been a rough 4 years, but I'm proud of my progress. People often mention how if they could replay their life, they'd do this and that differently. If I had the opportunity to start over, I don't think I would appreciate it. Some experiences, whilst dramatic in their own right, are better off as singular events. Uni for me, is one such thing.

I'm so glad it's almost over.

Is it too early for New Years Resolutions

My year is pretty much ending soon anyway. Exams tomorrow (OH MY FUCKING GOD THEY'RE TOMORROW), nothing much else after. I'm no closer to pulling myself together, but at least I'm THIS close to passing my examinations. Let's make a list of what I need to achieve then, to be a half-decent person, yeah?

• Be less aggressive
• Be less passive-aggressive
• Be kind 
• Be kind to yourself
• Stop judging yourself
• Stop thinking bitter thoughts and writing bitter rants after midnight
• No more fantasies about killing yourself
• Drop that petty argument with your parents
• Call your "Dad" for once. Or more than once.
• Stop writing "Dad" with inverted commas just because you hate his guts and don't want to admit that he's your real father.
• Let your parents know that they're assholes, without using the word "asshole" or any other offensive language. 
• Try and go a whole 5 sentences talking with parents without crying like a little bitch or leaving the room.
• Try a bit harder in school. Fake it  a little better. Smile a little brighter.
• Maybe go to therapy like your doctor suggested
• Lose some weight. Gain some motivation. Run for a bit longer.
• See the sun rise WITHOUT the context of pulling an all-nighter for an assignment.
• Go meet that high-school maths teacher you so cherished, before you regret it.
• Go drink a little without thinking about pancreatic cancer.
• It's okay to get intimate with someone without first inquiring about their HIV and Hepatitis status. 
• At least if you HAVE to ask about it ask it in a non-offensive way.
• Finish reading your prescribed textbook, for ONCE in your goddamn life.
• Draw a little more. Write a LOT more. 
• Walk with your back straight.
• Stop being ashamed of who you are or what you do.
• At least pretend to not be ashamed of who you are or what you do.
• Don't be afraid to love, or admit to getting hurt now and again. Helps you stay alive.
• Do stay alive. Not just in body, stay alive in spirit.
• If life doesn't pick itself up, you pick yourself up and keep going.

Keep going.

Me; Selfish

It's one of those rare attacks on your character that can really do a number, being called "selfish". Whether I agree or not, it seems more offensive than being called "ungrateful" or "lazy". I don't know why I feel so insulted. I mean, I almost choked on the hypocrisy of being called that by my parents, but if I had to examine myself internally... yeah, I'm selfish.

I can't help but feel defensive about it. Like, fuck off of course I have the right to be selfish, all you know how to do is trample my fragile feelings, and because I have instincts of self-preservation now and again, I LEARN TO BE SELFISH. It's necessary, not because I want to (See now it just sounds like an excuse.)

Also I didn't want to get down to the core and open another can of worms, but what am I selfish about exactly, huh? Am I selfish for getting into medicine like you wanted me to? Am I selfish to complain that you forced me to do something I didn't want to, forced me to change my university course preferences back in the day??? Yeah alright that is selfish, I should really get the fuck over that some day. I'm going  to graduate one way or another, after all. I guess if I didn't agree to it, they couldn't have physically forced me--- but it's not like you need physical force for coercion, you know. When your mother starts crying and your "father" threatens to throw a temper tantrum every dinner, is that even a choice???

Getting over that- am I selfish because I can't stay heterosexual enough for your liking? Because my identity is a "choice" and I obviously "chose to be a freak". Fuck that. I guess I never did come out properly to my parents, but I thought they knew. See it was I that should have known better, because my parents never give a shit about ME, they only give a shit about this projection that they think is me. Beautiful A grade child getting into med school, bit prone to his "depression" but we all know that's just a joke- he'll surely thank us for this when he grows out of it. So no, they didn't know, and when they saw that I was different, they decided to call my hand unexpectedly last year. Fine, so I told them.

Boy that was a mistake.

Or was it? It's not like I could "hide" any longer. I also felt EXTREMELY indignant that I had to hide at all. Oh, so you're ashamed of me now? And you're mad that I can be comfortable with myself, at all. Well see here Sally, I didn't actually wake up one morning, realize I was different from most people, and get the fuck on with life. I toyed with the idea of self-destruction for the longest while, went into denial, went out of denial, then went back into denial AGAIN. And I wasn't proud of myself, no. I didn't think it possible to hate me more than I hated me. So I smile and tell everyone around me how much I love myself, because they better not find out I'm not half as confident as I seem. If I can't keep up appearances at school, then it would REALLY be game over.

Nobody really understands when I try to say my parents don't give a fuck about me though. After all, they paid for so many things, and they keep on trying to call me. On a superficial level, I have no right to say they don't care about me. Do you, reader, know what I mean though? They've made up this image, this expectation of what their child should be in their head, and any time I deviate the slightest from it, it becomes a drama festival. I've spent so much of my life pleasing them, so when I stop all of a sudden, it must feel like the biggest betrayal. I can imagine how they must feel.

Feels shit, yeah, when the expectation you've raised for over 20 years turn around and betray you. When your expectations want to walk away and start his own private health insurance, when your expectations want to live a state away from you, get a job not-exactly-the-way-you-wanted, and when your expectations refuse to pick up your calls now and again.

The thing is, just because I can imagine how they feel, doesn't mean I feel any more sympathy for their situation. Probably because I'm that expectation, and I don't feel so good either. Since I'm so selfish after all, I direct all my attention on what I want. It's the same as what they do, after all. We all chase after our own selfish desires, so why is it such a sin that I want to love and be loved in a certain way? I get it, I'm a manipulative twat even on a good day, but I'm a real consequentialist too, so if I get what I want in the end, it's fine.

Except I haven't gotten what I wanted, at all, so everything right now is in fact, not-fine.

Let me go revise for my exams for now, I'll finish this dank rant later.

Go this way

Every morning I wake up and I think "this is THE day I change myself for the better" but I always end in a fucking mess, and before I know it, it's night time and I haven't done enough work, and at this point I'm still confused about some basic concepts I need to know for exams next week.

I think I've reached a critical break point, though. I spent a brief period at my parents' place, and I can feel the tension building and building and building. My "Dad" yelled at me for getting off this health insurance, like, whatever the fuck for? I think he just hates it when I'm no longer under his control, but he seriously needs to get the fuck over it, if that's the case. Unless he thinks I'm using his money to pay for my own health insurance, which I'M NOT, but yeah it's a fucking mess what the fuck do I know.

The revision is coming along smoothly, surprisingly. I knew more about things than I ever gave myself credit for, and for that, I'm thankful. It's just that sometimes life attacks me from all sides, and I want to yell and scream but the best I can manage is a fake smile and a pleasant nod. I didn't want to live life this way. I'd prefer to deal with the pain, get hurt real good, have a nice cry then get the fuck over it. Doesn't really work that way, cos the pain's chronic and constant but barely tolerable, so it just gnaws and gnaws and gnaws at you until you DO start crying, but then you gotta get the fuck back to work because you don't have time to cry over petty shit. But you never get over it. You just stash it away somewhere- "I'll deal with it later", but then that pile builds up and up until you have "unresolved issues" in every aspect of life, from family to work to relationships. Then you're feeling very fragile and vulnerable because goddamn there's no one to turn to any more.

When people get on my nerves, intentional or not, I just want to yell out "I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU, SO GET OFF MY BACK". Except sometimes I'm terrified, so I don't actually yell it out. I am utterly convinced, however, that there's nothing anyone can do to me, that I can't do to myself. It's like, "you wanna hurt me? Well fuck you because I can hurt myself more". That's not the best mentality to live by, no. It just occasionally makes me feel invincible, in a twisted kind of way.

I should get some rest, soon.

Walk

It's surprising that we'd do what it takes, to feel a little bit human each day. Not that the attributes of being "human" is necessarily "good", but it keeps going back to what I refer to as being "alive". Sometimes you walk by someone and even though they're breathing and their heart is beating, you can tell they're dead on the inside, because they've lost the light in their eyes. You meet someone and you think, "wow, I'm talking to a corpse. I wonder how long they've been deceased for".

You think that being a doctor, you'd try and save people. Very soon you become confronted with the reality that you can't save anyone if they don't want to save themselves. You try your best over and over and your best just isn't good enough. You accept it for what it is, because your best is all that you can give, but it still hurts every time.

I always thought that I could be good enough to bring the light back into someone's eyes. That when I talk to a walking corpse, I could reignite that fire and work some magic. I'm not as much of a wizard as I thought I was, and with all my textbooks I feel I can only learn to keep the walking corpse walking; not much more. God wakes people from their graves; that's why I've always admired the power of religion. Everyone likes a good miracle now and again.

The rest of us, we just walk on, I guess.

Trump Grabs America by the Pussy

The title makes it sound like a bad thing, but it's not like the US got raped or anything, I assure you. Which, if they did (btw), they asked for it. The people have voted (or in some cases, failed to vote), and in the end they got what they deserve. You can't really blame Trump for taking advantage of the situation; it was probably in his biological make up as a politician to grab any chance at presidency, and we just have to accept nature for what it is. If anything unfortunate befalls on Americans over the next four years, they should suffer and repent for their sins, for nothing but their moral depravity led them to where they stand.

Alright I should probably cut out the facetious jokes. It was done in poor taste. I'm sorry. Well, I'm only apologizing because it's not really a joke, because it's true, because Trump has won the US presidential election and life is going to be a bit sad if you're anything but an affluent cis white heterosexual male. The good news is, if you are all of those things, you should be just fine, and I wouldn't worry too much until global warming catches up with us all and we're all "pranked" by the Chinese hoax as our cities are drowned by rising sea levels. At least then there will be no worries over immigrants taking up all the local jobs, because major disasters take a lot of effort to recover from, and the rebuilding process should create a lot of jobs. Not to mention that major disasters also kill off a shit-tonne of people: maybe they die directly to injuries or they die secondarily to loss of shelter/food/medical services. So what I'm saying is, if you wipe out a good portion of the population there certainly wouldn't be much competition for whatever job you're so worried about losing. Like, your job might not exist any more due to the degree of societal disruption, but it's not like someone else will take it from you, so that's a win, yeah????

Hahah fuck, I should be more empathetic. Someone very dear to me lives in America, and she's terrified because she is in fact, not an affluent-cis-white-heterosexual-male. I mean, I don't meet all those criteria either, despite my desperate denial over the years and decent attempts to conceal the fact that I'm less straight than I'd like to be. Whoops. If I was an American I'd be pretty scared right now, too, but I'm just a SJW beta-cucklord so what the fuck do I know, right?

Okay, let's be serious. Just for a short while. In all honesty, a Trump presidency isn't the end of the world. We've known for a long time that he was likely to win, and though we lived in denial, Mr Trump is now president and we should respect that. The American population have spoken with their votes, and they have chosen Mr Trump, so he is now the face of America, and he represents what America wants. Though he said some less-than-appealing things (some of which I have flippantly made a meme of), this man has memed his way to presidency, and if nothing else, that is worthy of admiration. He didn't let his dank memes become just dreams, so I'm sure we can do the same. People get so angry at the outcome- they're angry at non-voters, they're angry at 3rd party voters, and they're angry at Trump supporters. I don't think there's a role for anger in this scenario, because the point of a democracy is to vote for what represents your best interests, correct? Certainly, when I go to vote, I don't really think about "hrmmm, which party would best benefit society as a whole", I care more about my personal issues, trite as they may be.

In terms of Trump... well, the majority of America believed that he would best represent their personal interests, and that's all there is to it. Things like "Hilary was too despicable" or "lesser of two evils" doesn't mean much- I mean, you could just vote for someone else, or not vote at all. Then people get mad at you for throwing your vote away, because you could have made a difference. Well, I don't think there's anything wrong with 3rd party voters- what's flawed is their strange voting system, but I won't go into that. Throwing your vote away is legitimate too- it just means you don't care. You don't care what happens to your country, you don't care what happens to your family, you don't care what happens to you or your friends. And that's fine, too. I say that because at one point in my life, I felt that way. I may have been more than a little apathetic and passively suicidal at the time, but that's when I could honestly say "I don't give a shit about politics". I was young and stupid and I literally didn't care.

Then came a point where it wasn't all about me. On a day-to-day basis, who runs this country does not much affect me, because I live a sheltered life, I'm studying at school, but I already have some form of education, I will find one job or another in the future. I don't need to worry about my family (who I do not like very much, but that's another story). But I see my friends, and they're suffering. They don't have someone to pay for their course- they got kicked out of home at 17, they're studying full time but working full time trying to pay the bills, the government won't give them any support and then they fail a course, drop out of uni, and they look to alcohol for comfort. Or the other guy who used to be in my class, who I regarded as a bit of an asshole- but in reality he's probably just socially awkward and struggling with crippling mental health problems. I couldn't be his friend and fix him (and I didn't want to be his friend), but if we had a better mental health framework in this country, maybe he wouldn't need to wait 6 months to see a psychiatrist who bills him hundreds, and because that psychiatrist is the only one in a 100km radius, there isn't even room for a second opinion. And so I cast a vote, for the people I care about. Because I'm selfish after all.

I hope I have made it clear to you that I am shocked, that America's most selfish desire happens to be Donald Trump, but I can understand why Hilary Clinton wasn't anyone's future-fantasy. I'm not sure what kind of world Trump will create; if his campaign is anything to go by, I have to say that I'm not very optimistic. Regardless, the people have spoken, and if Trump is what they want, then Trump is what they will get. For those crying that they did not vote Trump, and that they did not want him; today is one harsh lesson in the futility of individual struggle- it serves as a grim reminder that when you are stuck down in the mud, you will not be able to get up if people do not lift the sole of their shoe off your face. For too long, too many Americans have felt that they were the victims, they have felt that they were the ones with their face pressed against the mud in that dirty pit with the pigs, living their fruitless, undignified lives. And they've said, "no more". So they will get something else.

Mr Trump promises to make America great again. I'd like the slogan better if he didn't use the word "again", because at no point in time was America perfect, from its history of slavery to the current repression of women's rights. I'm not too sure which timeline Mr Trump would like to revert to, but Americans can pray (as they like to do, being the non-secular nation they are) that Trump loves his country, and makes the best decisions he can during his presidential term. The majority have made a choice I'm not sure I quite agree with, but whatever their rationale may be, we now face the consequence. Whatever that consequence may be, we live it out, for our love of our one and only life, and we struggle on in our personal quests for happiness, regardless of the political turmoil our world may be shaken by.

Feminism Revisited

I think I blogged about- a year ago? about the topic of "feminism". I remember I was very bitter about the subject, and I was very adamant in stating, "I don't believe in feminism- humanitarianism is the better phrase". I now realize that I was being a COMPLETE AND UTTER DIPSHIT and I'm glad I now know better than to say things like that ever again.

I didn't realize I had such a terrible way of thinking, until I saw the "all lives matter" movement. It's weird, but I felt the "all lives matter" movement was annoying as fuck. When I heard about it on the news, I thought to myself, "these people are trying to make a point about violence against black people, and the social injustices they face. Why do you have to go in there and shit on their parade? Sure, all lives matter- but that's a different conversation, isn't it? That's a point to be raised when discussing whether the death penalty is the same as state-sanctioned murder- but in the context of preventing racial violence, bringing something like this up is in poor taste."

Then the irony of my stance dawned on me, and I was like, "holy shit, that's exactly what I said about feminism". I admitted that women had it bad, but then I tried to make it about men, under the pretense of inclusion. I thought I was being practical, but I was just being an unmitigated ass. Saying something like "well what about the gender inequality men face" is just trying to undermine the feminism movement, after all. The women are working towards a fairer world for themselves, and instead of being helpful, I essentially stole their conversation. And that's not a nice thing to do, when I claim that I "believe in equity".

I think apart from ignorance and stupidity, there were other reasons I thought the way I did. Part of it is the slew of misandry thrown around casually in the name of "feminism". That made me equate the two, that if you were a feminist, it meant you wanted to drag men to the ground. Obviously it's not TRUE, it just felt that way after I kept on hearing it. I mean, it's a statistical fact that men are over-represented as the perpetrators of violence against women, and there's no denying that if you want to get anywhere meaningful in life, you're better off being a man than a woman. That still didn't justify abhorrent behavior towards men, or ridiculing them for saying "not all men are like that". I know it sounds childish and overly-defensive, but it's hard not to be defensive when your gender is being attacked. You can't just say something like, "men are all sleazebags" and expect me to sit comfortably. Even if you look at me and say, "oh, I don't mean YOU"--- but I'm a guy, so if you say all men are sleazebags, you're either calling me a sleazebag or insinuating that I'm not a man. I don't like either of those options.

Men's rights activists are a different story. I wouldn't mind it so much if their sole existence wasn't to mock women's rights activists. I believe there are social issues which require male representation- like how men are less likely to get custody of their children, or how nobody believes than men could be victims of domestic violence. Those are important issues, but that's not really what men's rights activists fight for. Most of what I've seen is a cesspool of misogyny, and circular arguments about how women hate men because they're women. The hardest thing to do is for them to acknowledge that equal rights for women does not equate misandry, and that was difficult for me to realize, as well.

I blame the radicalization of the feminist movement. Change is well, change. Change is different and change is scary, and when change threatens to even the power balance and take away privileges held for as long as history goes, people get a little uncomfortable. It only takes one overzealous person to take things too far, before we start to feel threatened.

There's also contentious things like workplace quotas and whatnot. I always felt really weird about it, that you HAD to give x amount of jobs to women because they were women. I thought it defeated the purpose of a meritocracy, and it seemed unreasonable that a potentially more competitive male candidate would lose to his female counterpart, because they were female. Well, that's my only theoretical objection. Truth being, it's not difficult to find competent female employees, even if you had to fulfill some arbitrary quota. We like to think of our society as a place that rewards hard work, but it doesn't really. For centuries men were preferred over women, because they were men. I'm not suggesting we reverse the trend by swinging the other way, and the quota still makes me feel uncomfortable, but saying "men are just more capable than women" is a poor excuse, after all, especially in this day and age.

In the end, the whole men vs women debate is arbitrary, isn't it? I know we conjure certain images in our head when we think about what a man should be and what a woman should be, but no one fits those images perfectly. Surely, if I can get defensive and say "not all men are alike", then "not all women are alike" by the same logic. People are just people, after all. We are not bound by these things, and when people realize that, we'll be headed to a better place after all.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

I procrastinated some more by watching Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, and whew it was a nice movie. I knew that it had a lot of positive reviews, but I guess I still didn't expect it to be interesting. I've read the synopsis before, and I just thought, "yeah two people losing their memory then getting back together, it doesn't sound that original". I don't think it was necessarily the plot that was the selling-point of the film, though. The overarching story line was okay, but it was the details in each little scene that generated an emotional response.

When I say that something was "emotional", I guess it doesn't mean much, because I've come to the realization that I cry at every little thing and maybe I'm just not very stoic. I just really liked the way the story was set up, how we explored to depths of the main character, and it made me realize that if you're lucky enough to meet someone who lights up your life, you shouldn't let go so easily. Sometimes things don't work out, and enough is enough, but I always feel that I wouldn't make the same mistakes of taking someone I love for granted.

Throughout the film I think I found a lot of resonance with Joel's character. Always too "boring", never brave enough to make the first move, avoiding the unexpected because life is easier to manage in a routine, anyway. I gotta say, he's luckier than I am so far, having met Clementine. Not that I would be happy with someone like Clementine, but he's lucky in the sense that he found someone he liked. I'm skeptical that you can be happy with someone who is so different from yourself- I don't think "opposite" necessarily means "complement". In terms of Clementine, I guess impulsive is exciting and excitement makes love seem fun, but I don't think I'd be able to stand someone like her, because impulsion means recklessness and danger and irresponsibility.

And this is probs why nobody "fun" wants to talk to me.

 I don't think the end of the film is their "happily ever after" though. It didn't feel like one of those things, where the couple went through hardship, and came out better. The problem with forgetting everything is that you never learn from it. If I had to predict their future, I'd say the tension between them start building within 6 months, and by 12 months they're at crisis point again. I wonder if they'd choose to forget each other again.

I also really liked the character Mary in the film. I thought she was just the ditzy receptionist, then I thought she was the slutty girlfriend- and by the time she tried to seduce the doctor, I really didn't like her. I can understand if it hurts too much to tell someone you like them- it's just a bad idea when they're married and all- but I wouldn't get into another relationship with someone while I liked someone else. People make such shitty excuses- like my current room mate. I don't want to say anything too mean about her, because I think she's just terribly stupid, not malicious- but she believes that she can cheat on guys because she can't trust them anyway. To me, that line of thinking is completely illogical and- well, disgusting, really. Just because you've had your heart broken by one man, doesn't mean that "all men are the same", and it certainly doesn't give you the right to go cheat on your next boyfriend. The way she justifies is she needs someone new to help her get over her ex, but she lapses sometimes so she goes back to her ex. I'm just sitting there thinking, "wtf is wrong with you", and I've tried to tell her how fucked up she is, but I haven't had much luck in changing her mind.

Back to Mary. So yeah I thought Mary was just another one of these terrible women- but when she tried to quote Alexander Pope to impress her crush, that's when I started feeling bad for her. She seemed to idolize him, even though I thought the doctor was just another average-looking old guy, it was weird that she fell for him. It's weird that you can like someone despite forgetting them entirely- you'd think that things would change- that you would change and that they would change and that the world would have changed. I wonder if that's what fate means, doomed to repeat the same scenario again and again and again, as you have in previous lives, and as you will in your next.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd;

It is a movie worth watching. It started feeling weird when I saw that their play-back device were cassette tapes though. I remembered having to rewind after you'd finished, and how I thought CDs were cumbersome, and how impressed I was that my MP3 player could hold 200 songs. The movie came out in 2004- and well, that WAS 12 years ago, but I didn't realize how far we'd come in this short span of time. The explosion of technology is truly incredible.

Anyway, that's enough procrastination for one night. Laters.

Think more

I'm meant to be studying (I think I'm always meant to be studying) but instead I wasted some more time reading about Forbe's most eligible billionaire bachelors. I think subconsciously I've given up on myself and I'm running through desperate tactics in my head, such as "what if I marry some rich person and the exam I have in a month will be completely pointless". At the same time I'm watching a live concert recording of Hatsune Miku- you know, the vocaloid. I wish I was there- the Magical Mirai concerts look amazing.

I know my life has reached a new low when I realize Hatsune Miku is my dream girl. Maybe I'm more of a social recluse than I thought- but she's seriously cute. It's alright, I'm not the only person with a thing for fictional characters- I'm sure many would argue that fictional romances are the best kind. Nobody's going to dump you, and the relationship lasts as long as you want. The main pitfall is that nothing is real and society disapproves and your mother is starting to get very concerned about how much affection you show your pillow.

Oh dear.

On an unrelated note, I'm beginning to think that my life could be so good if I had about 10k and 2 months free time. All that travelling I could do- a nice, luxurious holiday. Or I could spend it all on material goods, because who needs travel when you're single. I honestly think travelling alone is one of the most miserable things you can do, because it just amplifies how empty you are on the inside. I remember when I went to the UK at the end of last year- and I'd take photos and eat nice food- but there was no one to share it with. I'd post things to social media, and it'd look like I'm bragging--- but those who've figured me out will know I wasn't having that much fun if I bother posting every 2nd thing I do on social media. When I'm having a good time with my friends, I try VERY hard not to play on my phone, so there's none of that facebook/instagram business. Then I also FORGET to post things, because I'm too busy engaged with... well, having a good time.

Oh well. I'm just at that age in life where everything is starting to look a little meaningless, but I haven't reached "midlife crisis" because I'm still young so I can't say "OH MY FUCKING GOD I'VE DONE NOTHING OVER THE PAST 10 YEARS". Well actually, I don't feel like I've achieved a lot over the last 10yrs of my life, since it was mostly just school-school and more school. But I was young and almost everyone my age went to school, so I can forgive myself for that, right?

Getting back to what I could do with 10k--- you know what, I don't think 10k would cover all the material things I desire. I want my own apartment by the beach, I want a nice car, and those things are pretty much out of my reach for now. I did decide I want a new iPad, because the iPad pro looks really nice, and I'm impressed by the degree of control you can achieve with the stylus. It only costs like... 1k5. Hah, ONLY 1k5. Then I want enough money to pay for health insurance, and I want enough money for an electric piano (I mean, I have an actual piano, but it's at my parents' house so it's really more my sister's now). I'd really like some new headphones; I'm no audiophile but I want noise-cancelling headphones. And those cost a couple hundred dollars- I've been spending <$20 for earphones all my life, so it's a bit of a jump. I also want bluetooth speakers for my phone... I want more clothes, more shoes, a reasonable bookshelf and a nice chair.

I want a lot of things and I don't have a lot of money for nice things. I should work a bit harder.

Please Be Kind

I don't understand why some people are so hell-bent on convincing others, that their existence is an inconvenience. I couldn't be more cruel if I tried. People do all sorts of strange things to leave their mark in their lives, and most of us are obsessed with our identities. When that gets taken away from us, we don't fare so well.

Now imagine if someone decided it was okay to erase your very existence, because it was "too much" for them to handle. You have no say in the matter, but you are too burdensome, and no one else can tolerate you, so it would be better if you weren't here at all. That kind of reinforcement is what sends people to their pits of despair, and I don't think I would do that to somebody.

Isn't it essentially gaslighting, when you convince someone that they don't deserve to live? If they end up killing themselves, are you going to laugh at their weak constitution, and preach "survival of the fittest"? Or lament about how they were always such a frail person, "it was such a shame that they couldn't work out their issues". Saying something along the lines of "I always wished they could be normal", whilst carrying no remorse in your voice, because you're just being brutally honest.

It's fucking disgusting.

I feel so gross just thinking about the situation. You know we describe unsightly behavior as "feral" and "beastly", because other animals are supposed to be lower than humans, and acting like that is not a good thing. Well, this kind of behavior- trying to convince someone that their existence has no value- that's very human. Human enough to be self-aware, human enough to understand to subtleties behind every word and expression, human enough to maim someone without lifting a finger.

And should one succeed in doing so, I fail to see the difference between that and murder. When you make someone overcome their survival instinct, so that they defy their natural will to live on, you are a murderer. It's dirty. It's filth.

Apparently I live surrounded by filth.

This too shall pass

But whether it passes like a kidney stone, or multiple kidney stones, is a different matter entirely.

"God"

I declared myself an atheist a long time ago, then some time after I read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, I decided I was more agnostic. Which from what I understand, is another way of saying "I don't know lol". I didn't really believe in God, because growing up I had a really negative view of religion- I saw that it turned people into fanatics, and the power of religion scared me. As I grew older I realized that fanatics were probably extremist in nature, and with or without religion they would find an excuse to commit their crimes against humanity, so it didn't matter whether it was one God or another, or no God at all.

More and more, I saw the positive effects of religion. I met a bed-bound woman in a nursing home, whose body had been ravaged by disease. She had lost control of her limbs, and when she spoke, her voice was soft. However, there was light in her eyes, when she told me that though she had lost a lot, she still had a lot. "I still have the Lord, and He is always with me".

And of course I wasn't enough of a shit-head to tell her "but God isn't real, I must free you of your delusions as you spend the rest of your days in agony". I can imagine some people who would do that, believing they are warriors of the truth, liberating us all from lies and deceptions. Let me get this straight right now: being cruel doesn't make you an honest person, it makes you a giant twat. I swear I've seen so many of these "brutally honest" people around me, and every time I want to scream at them for being so fucking dense and socially retarded.

Back to my original story about my relationship with "God". I was at a stage where I wasn't sure whether God existed or not, but I didn't want to join either side of the argument, because I... I just didn't think it was worth arguing about. I didn't really care that people wanted to pray, or that they wanted to starve for a couple days, or wear garments that covered their hair. Whatever, as long as they didn't want me to do the same, I was like, "yeah go for it".

Then because I occasionally express the opinion that religion can be a positive force in life, people around me got really excited. They wanted me to look at websites about Jesus Christ. They wanted me to go to church groups. The Christian youth groups are really popular at my school. But for fuck's sake, I wasn't interested. I thought that God might exist, but it is my firm opinion that the Bible is nothing more than an historical artifact, and NO ONE should live their life 100% based on something that was written that long ago. Like, if you travel back in time, sure, it might've suited you then. Idk if you guys have ever read the Bible in great length (because I sure as hell haven't), but for the small bit I have read--- it was fucked. I felt so gross after reading like, the first chapter, that I didn't want to try ever again.

I can't remember where I saw this quote, but it was basically like, "I believe in God, but not what man says about God". And that's sort of where I'm at, except I'm not sure I'd call myself a believer. It's more... I'd like to believe that there is a God out there. God that is capable of only what God is capable of. Please, let me explain my rationale.

So people like to think that everything that happens in this world is the will of God, and that everything happens for a reason. I don't think things necessarily happen for good reasons. There's your cause and effect, but that's as far as it goes. As Stephen Fry so aptly puts- if God created everything... what the fuck is the deal with children getting cancer? Maybe you haven't seen many children with cancer- but I've seen a few and it's seriously fucked. Now, I don't like kids, but they're really simple creatures... they can be cruel and careless, but they're really just... kids. They don't understand a lot, they just do what they do. And to see them suffer, it's somehow harder to watch that, than watching an adult suffer. The rational adult can see through "cause and effect", they know that they have cancer and that's terrible. For a kid, they're just in pain, but they still want to play with crayons and watch the new kiddie movie or w/e.

I honestly don't want to believe in an omnipotent God who controls everything in the universe. Because our world is fucked and whoever created it must've been fucked, as well. It's much easier believing that we exist by coincidence, that there is no greater purpose, and good things and bad things happen by chance and it doesn't really matter in the end. The promise of "heaven" seems so shallow for the suffering people have had to endure- for eternity is not a promise of happiness, and you can't artificially make people happy without sadness to contrast. The afterlife seems like a strange fallacy for me, but I'm not a religious person, so maybe there is a good argument I have not heard.

What I actually hate, right, is when people attribute these humanistic qualities to God. Or the Gods, whatever. To imagine that the Gods can be jealous, that they fight within themselves, or that the one God has anger in him to smite us all for our sins. If that is the case, then they are not Gods, simply humans with great power to fuck our lives over. Like the rulers of ancient times, like the politicians running our country *cough*. Recently (because I'm Australian) I've picked up that another similarity between our politicians and "God" is that they really hate gay people.

No, the God that I'd like to believe in doesn't hate gay people. He doesn't hate anyone. To say that God hates is simply wrong, because you don't need a God to hate, we are perfectly capable of hating anything and everything, whether it be ourselves or each other. I believe that God is love, and that God is capable of loving everyone. And THAT, would be a Godly feat, because fuck, there are some disgusting people out there.

An acquaintance of mine, who I'd describe as the "good Christian girl" type, once spoke something about homosexuality being a sin, but God loves the sinner and hates the sin. That really rustled my jimmies, so to speak, because why would loving another person be a sin? Fuck that twisted logic. Another acquaintance "liked" a post on Facebook about how Christians shouldn't get tattoos, because of its Paganistic origins. That seemed really pedantic as well, and I don't know why not-tattooing reflected Christian values. Like, I don't have a tattoo on me, but the preacher down the street might, and he seems to devote himself far more than I ever will. It seems so stupid, that these people believe in an Almighty Being, and somehow this entity cares about what a person inks under his sleeve, or who he loves under his sheets. Good one.

I like the idea of confessing your crimes, and repenting. Because there are people who have done such nasty things, I don't think anyone on Earth would forgive them. So they need a God to love them, and a God to forgive, because we don't have the capacity to do that. Other people imagine a "justice" of sorts, so they conjure a God that will blast people into hell and make them suffer. It would be dreadful if the "afterlife" was simply an extension of our judicial system. Maybe there is no "afterlife", but it would be comforting, in this life, to think of "someone" who is always watching you kindly, who will always love you as he loves everyone else. And when pain is inflicted, it is not because God inflicted that pain upon you for a greater purpose; but while you are pained, you have God for comfort.

And there you have it. My long spiel of what I actually believe in terms of "God", and how God should be interpreted. Fuck anyone who uses God as an excuse or an instrument for conducting hate. They're just terrible people after all.

What Do

I really need some careers advice. I mean, I know what I want to do, I'm just a little lost as to how I want to get there. My friends are working really hard, trying to get into a really competitive field. I'm working less hard, going into a really cold field, but I'm hoping my passion will make it alright.

Yeah I used the word "passion" and the possessive "my" before it, isn't that amazing. My passion. Declaring that I have passion, after all.

I've moved onto a new rotation. Despite my previous despairing post, I passed my second round of exams with flying colors once again, scoring 18/21, only 1 mark lower than my previous run. I was satisfied, to say the least.

This new rotation though, is a nightmare through and through. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing or where I'm meant to be, and my supervisor is ???? I think I saw him, but I haven't had the opportunity to actually go and introduce myself. Embarrassing, yeah. I wish I wasn't so socially awkward, but I didn't want to stand in his way just to say "hihihi whatup"

The only positive thing I can think of is my new teacher, who happens to have the same name as my favorite maths teacher back in college. Not that I actually call him by his first name, but his surname is kinda cute as well. I don't know if he likes being described as "kinda cute", but I like the way he smiles from his eyes, which is a rarity in the people I've come across recently. I like it when people exude warmth, because it makes me feel safe around them... as opposed to... idk, threatened?

Yeah threatened sounds about right. On most days I feel like some hyper-alert middle-of-the-food-chain animal, that I need to rip someone's throat out before they rip out mine. I wonder if it's the sleep-deprivation that's driving me insane. I honestly think I'd be a completely different person, if I had like, 8-10 hours of a sleep every night.

Maybe I'll figure out what to do if I sleep enough.

Cringe

So the presentation I wrote about last time went alright. I didn't embarrass myself (I think) but I wasn't spectacular either. I think it was one of those forgettable things and people generally understand that you're there because you have to be. I mean, I didn't want it to end that way, but I really couldn't find myself being passionate enough or energetic enough, which I have come to regret.

Some days I'm happy with myself, and other days I want to be a different person. A few years ago I wanted to be the "cool kid", like so many people my age. When I say "cool" I don't necessarily mean "go-clubbing-get-drunk-fuck-around", but I wanted to be someone who could say "relaaaax!" and just be really chill all the time. I think it's because in reality I deal with a lot of anxiety and I wanted to be someone who didn't have to deal with anxiety.

It's not like I have an anxiety disorder or anything, I function well. I believe anxiety is what pushes me to achieve things and to do well. I just HATED the feeling. You know, it's when you lie awake at night, feeling the sense of impending doom, then you wake up sleep-deprived the next morning, and you carry on anyway because you're too tired to give a shit- about the things that stressed you out so much you were not able to sleep properly last night. That was what I became. Ironic, yeah?

I thought "not caring" would be the same as not being anxious. Oh boy was I mistaken. "Not caring" is really my default response to life going out of control, it's when I realize I'm powerless to change anything, and I'm better off letting it go. That doesn't mean I've accepted the outcome, and it doesn't mean I've adjusted. It's just when people see me in my "final form" after all that turmoil, they'll go, "oh wow, he's a really cool guy! He just gets going and doesn't give a shit".

At least I can pull of the illusion, and LOOK like who I wanted to be.

"Fake it til you make it". Well, I've taken it to heart, and I've been faking for so long, but I'm not actually going any where. I pretended to be competent, but people are calling me out on it and idk how long I can keep up the facade. It's like everyone's pulling at a different thread and I'm just becoming undone.

Right now, however, I want to be someone else entirely. I want to be someone who is passionate about life, who can find a reason for every single day being valuable, who has enough drive and ambition and discipline to take him where ever he wants to go. I want to be mature and responsible, I want to know how to deal with difficult situations, how to work calmly and arrive at a reasonable conclusion, instead of breaking down into a hideous mess like I usually do. I wish I had someone in my life who was like that, so that I can use them as a role model. In reality, I only see shadows of these desirable attributes in different people, and when I see someone hardworking, I have this nagging thought that tells me "you'll never be able to do that".

I don't know if it's self doubt or whatever. I don't think I've proven that I can work hard, just yet. I've just always convinced myself that "I don't want to work that hard". That might be a lie. I DO want to be the hard-working type, I just... don't quite make it there. It's more like... I wish that I had the motivation to work hard.

So the "cringe" in the title comes from a practise exam I did today. I scored 12/21 (a failing mark), whereas in round one of the actual exam, I scored a 19/21 (which is a spectacular score). There's all this self-doubt of "am I regressing" and "what is wrong with me", and I was motivated to immediately go out and practise harder. It didn't work out after all, because I was too tired, and there was no one around, and I just- I don't even know. I came home and felt like a mess, and I almost fell asleep on the couch after I walked through the door. I did just change and go to sleep- and I woke at 9, to the message of my previous-crush wishing me "Happy mid Autumn's". I forgot that was a thing. It's Spring in Australia, after all.

I don't know why, but that message just made me feel more defeated than usual. Like, I'm on an unhappy trend for my 2nd round of examinations, I'm so tired I almost collapsed as soon as I came home, my knowledge base is terrible, I can't read enough to be satisfied--- and when I wake up at 9pm to a message from someone I liked but haven't seen/spoken to in a year, I just feel so pathetic. Like, I have NOTHING together. Everything's in fucking shambles, and I don't know where I'm going with it. Apparently it's not enough to "go with the tide" and let life carry on, but now I'm the captain of a sinking ship with a map that isn't marked and a compass that doesn't point north.

It's one of those days where I just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.

That Presentation Tomorrow

I usually freak out about oral presentations. I think I'm freaking out now, internally, but for some reason I'm not working. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I've had so long to work on this ONE project, to rehearse, to do something meaningful about it. In the end I just... I don't know, end up watching videos on youtube? Start an internal monologue on how hard my life is? God I need to get a grip.

I feel really out of touch with reality. I've gotten along well with most people in my life, but recently I think I've gotten on the bad side of one of my superiors. Which is actually fine, because they're not an inherently malicious person, I think there's just a bit of coldness between us and I'm not even sure I want to bring the distance closer. It's fine the way we are, being polite without being comfortable.

To add some happiness to the discussion, I started rotation about a month ago with the prettiest girl I've met in... I don't know how long. Like hooooly shit if you told me she was a model I'd believe you. So many times I've thought to myself, when I looked at her, "wow, do you get paid to look that good?" She has the most beautiful eyes, too. Bright blue. My favourite.

We didn't exactly get along at first. I don't know if it was because I was too non-committal or really aloof.... but I felt like she was really cold towards me. It's always sad when a pretty girl distances herself from you, but I didn't want to be one of those guys who got really sour about it. Maybe she has resting-bitchface, like, isn't that a real syndrome (right???)- then it's not her fault (or mine, is it????). Later on I sort of felt like it was because I... came across as a massive fucking show-off.

Which is ironic, because in reality I'm a borderline student on the verge of failure. People don't perceive it that way- they think it's my "Asian modesty" or that I'm one of those guys who say "ohhh no I near failed!!!" while rocking a 96%. Well, I can't really blame them. I think I got upset about getting 93% on an essay, once, because it dropped my average to below 96. But that was literally more than 3 years ago, and I'm a changed man, I swear!

Well, not that I changed in a good way. It's a tragedy when your tryhard star-student becomes a worthless pile of shit like me. Right now I'm trying to remold the pile of shit into something meaningful, but when you get down to it, a pile of shit is still a pile of shit, no matter what you shape it into. I try and stay optimistic and all; maybe I can work on "not being worthless" as opposed to "not being shit". One day I'll be the pile of golden turd that everyone pines for.

Anyway, back to the pretty girl. Hooooly shit she's beautiful. I just wanted her to have a nice, bubbly personality and that totally wasn't it. I guess it was rather sexist of me to expect every pretty girl to be friendly. But I wanted to be friends with her- because she was smart, she was hard-working, and above all, she looked so good so effortlessly---------she looks beautiful even when she's sick and nasally congested. It's insane.

Yeah there I go again, valuing the superficial stuff. But I can't really help it at the moment, I'll work on it later.

So throughout the week I found out that she was capable of smiling, and that she really got along with other people--- she smiled easily and her expression softened. There goes my "resting bitchface" theory. If she does have that, I guess it's target specific (i.e. towards me). That was a sad realization. Then things got better!

I think she finally forgave me for being a "show-off" after I got ripped apart in one of my presentations. I did such a shit job I just wanted to rewind time and start over, or erase everyone's memories. It was going to be one of those "cringe" moments forever, those things that keep you awake at 1am, intruding in the most unwelcome manner. Then we bonded again last week, when we both got destroyed by a barrage of questions we barely understood. Man that session was so brutal and felt so bad, I had an internal cry.

Afterwards we skipped school together, and it was going to be our mutual secret (shhh, dont' tell). It took a good 3 weeks to warm up to my partner, but it did happen in the end, and I am so glad. We're not close to each other or anything, but I could sit next to her in a crowded room, and it wouldn't be strange. Small talk is more natural as opposed to forced, and it just feels nice to be on the same boat as someone else.

Well I better get back to rehearsing this presentation for tomorrow. I hope I don't make a fool of myself again. Once is enough, after all.

So many choices

>Imagine you're an expert in your field, and you've been asked to take on some students for the day
>You decide to ask some basic questions (well, at least YOU think they're basic)
>The students look at you like you're speaking in a foreign language, instead of providing a sensible answer.
>Do you:

a) Try rephrasing your question

b) Ask a simpler question and guide the students to the answer you wanted

c) Tell them the answer and explain why it is the answer

d) Become annoyed that they don't know the basics, and tell them to read about it without giving the answer away (because they'll just forget what you say, so it's better if they read up about it themselves)

e) Smile cryptically

f) Mock your students for their stupidity without telling them the answer

g) Give the answer eventually, after a convoluted discussion

h) Shake your head and move on, because you didn't want to take these students anyway and wow what a waste of your time

--------------------------

I'm having a childish whinge here. Don't mind me. I just think it's bullshit when teachers tell you things like "look it up yourself", because a prompt card could've done the same thing. I've gotten to the stage where I don't bother asking questions, because I know how to find the answer in a textbook or online, so why bother embarrassing myself? I don't enjoy being stupid, you know. If I can save myself from the humiliation of not-knowing, then I will.

I have to constantly remind myself that "not-knowing" is not a crime, it's only problematic when you realize you don't know something, but do nothing to change it. I'm not like that. It's just frustrating when people shame you for it... I guess people have expectations, which I'm obviously not meeting. I'm just... agitated? Is that the right word? It's like people think you just... magically learn things. Like how my mother said "oh but why don't you learn how to perform surgery? You're in medical school, after all".

And I almost lost myself in suppressed rage and exasperation, because it was ludicrous to me how someone can casually say "why don't you just learn how to perform surgery". Because there's so much to know, so much to learn, and she's implying that I'm not trying or whatever. Ack it pisses me off. I hate people like her, really. They like to presume everything whilst knowing nothing, and they can just drop careless words around in this absent-minded fashion, like other peoples' efforts are a mere afterthought. Fuck that.

I don't know why people always want to give their opinion on what I do/ who I am. Some days for me, living is a fucking struggle. I have to constantly tell myself, "pain is good, because if I can feel pain, it means I'm alive". Then I repeatedly convince myself that being alive is better than being dead, and feeling pain is better than not-feeling at all. It hurts, but it feels good to hurt. Sometimes. Not the kind of hurt my "parents" leave me with. But like, physical pain is fine.

God, from what I've written, you must think I spend my spare time self-destructing. No, I don't self-harm. It hurts, after all, and I have enough pain to feel without adding to it. I think some days are just worse than others, and today's one of those days where I think it'd be poetic if rain poured incessantly and a flood washed over the entire city.

Then I'd probably drown, and I don't think I'd like the feeling of fluid in my lungs, but metaphorically I'd like to drown my thoughts.

People say your memory gets worse as you get older; and I always thought I had a good memory, I just wasn't remembering what was important, and I seemed to have no choice in what I recalled. Memory for me, is about reinforcement. I think information is imprinted just fine, but if I don't recall it often enough, it just gets lost with time and it's just... not helpful. I don't think I have amnesia per se, but wouldn't it be nice to forget everyone and thus forget all the things people have imposed on me?

I need to go to bed. When I suffer sleep deprivation my mood changes to something frightfully depressing. I haven't slept in so long I'm starting to feel cold.

For the spring to come

I've been waiting for warmer weather for a long time, even though it's been one of the warmest winters I've ever experienced. I think I only used heating for a few nights, and that was because I couldn't stop shivering despite all the layers I was wearing. I'm eagerly awaiting the new season.

It's been difficult for me to be productive over the weekends, lately. After I get home, I tell myself I'll study- and I do, at least a little. But the weekend should be where the bulk of my work is done, because of all that time I have. Instead I choose to sleep in (because sleeping in is a total luxury for me these days), and I cook myself a nice meal (because eating well is also a luxury) and I waste the afternoon away by reading in the sunlight or I play some video games with my friends. It's a nice way to spend a day, but not that great when I should be studying. On Sunday I think all I got up to was domestic chores; taking out the garbage, vacuuming the carpet, laundry etc. It makes me feel proud in a way, that I can look after myself, and knowing that I don't enjoy living in filth, so I clean up.

I wish "study" wasn't always a priority in my life. Ideally, I'd like to learn for the rest of my life. I don't mind the idea of flipping open a new journal, attending lectures and attaining new information. Practicing cool tricks I learnt in the classroom and applying them to the real world. It becomes a problem, however, when the "study" is compulsory and takes precedence over everything else in my life. In truth, I think I care about other things more, and I don't like how my values are set. I feel like if I give it any less than my current effort, I will undoubtedly fail the course (I've come so close so many times, ewww), and that's not something I want to deal with either.

I was talking to my friend earlier this afternoon about what I'd do if money wasn't an issue in my life. I reckon I'd spend most of my day drawing, and on other days I'd write. Opinion pieces for whoever is willing to publish them, and I'd continue to read and learn so that I can be informed, so that my opinion is worth something to other people. Wouldn't it be nice, if people cared about what I thought.

Even though I had a holiday not long ago, I'd love to start another one. I don't feel like I've done much work this term, and I wish it'd change. It's not because I don't have work to do, it's because I lack motivation and I don't push myself as hard as I should. Well, an actual holiday would be terrible, because I don't really want to be seeing my "family" again so soon. I know it's sad, but I really like it sometimes, when they're just completely out of my life, and I don't pay them any thought. My friends sometimes tell me how they miss home or miss their parents- I think I still understand how that feels, it's just that the people I miss aren't my parents, but I wish I had a place called "home" which I would yearn to return to.

If it was warmer I'd go back to the beach. It's weird how I feel more at peace when I'm at water's edge, even though I'm convinced I'd drown if I ventured out and be swallowed by the tides. But it's kind of comforting, in a way... If I died and my body was tossed in the sea, everything would start dissolving, and eventually even my bones would return to their mineral components, and get swished around...

Actually now that I think about it, it's not that romantic. Never mind.

I just want the school year to be over. Goddamn.

Erased, Live Action Movie

Spoilers: anime + live action

I watched the anime "Erased" a couple of months ago, and I got hold of the live action movie last night. I found it while looking up the actress Arimura Kasumi, because she starred in one of my fav movies. Anyway I recognized the actor who plays the main character as well- I forgot his name, but he played Light in the Death Note live action movie. So I had a lot of reasons to watch the live action for Erased, and I did that last night.

The movie was mostly okay, following the script religiously. The had a lot of child actors because most of the story happens with the main char and his primary school buddies- I thought they acted incredibly well for their age. It was a shame that a lot of the story had to be cut out- I heard that the anime was already abridged, and the movie was cut shorter from that. Towards the end of the movie I started wondering how it would resolve, and the ending was pretty much wtf.

So in the anime, the main character, Satoru, goes back in time to save his friends from a series of child-abduction/murder cases. Turns out his teacher was the culprit, and Satoru only finds out when it's too late, and his teacher traps him in a car and he goes into a frozen lake. Satoru gets saved, but goes into a coma, wakes up like, a decade? later. His teacher's still around, so Satoru traps him and his teacher gets convicted. Happy end.

In the live action... Satoru learns that his teacher is the murderer BEFORE he gets trapped. Like, he could've gone the safe route, enlisted the help of the adults (because he was in his childhood body at the time, being 11 yo or something), or just backed the fuck out. Instead, he GOES WITH HIS TEACHER into his car, even though he's an 11yo, and decides to confront him in the car. That was a total wtf moment for me. His teacher promptly throws him off a bridge in the middle of winter. I don't wanna sound like an arse, but Satoru had it coming. That was fucking retarded.

Then the scene skips to Satoru waking up in a hospital, but he wasn't waking from a coma like in the anime. He wakes up after a traffic accident, and his identity in the timeline is apparently a manga artist. That means the timeline is non-linear, which breaks all the premises the show has been working on. Like, wtf, he got thrown off a bridge? Who saved him? And if he woke up after, why didn't he report his psycho-murder teacher? He just lived as a manga artist? Then got his "memories" back after getting knocked by a truck? In the anime, his psycho murder teacher only left him alone because he was in a coma, and the teacher had this weird thing going on of "only you understood me and saw through my plans". He also tried to kill Satoru once he woke from the coma- which made a lot of sense.

Anyway, major plot holes.

So it deviated from the anime. Oh well. I thought it was weird, but it's an adaptation, so w/e, right? They show some scenes from the ending of the anime, and I was a bit panicked thinking, "wait what? This is where the anime ended. Is the movie going to end here? They hadn't resolved anything with the teacher yet??". Then uh, the plot goes out the window, He decides to confront his psycho-murder teacher ALONE, AGAIN, and I was like, "dude wtf is wrong with you". He'd already gone to his lawyer friend and his lawyer friend was running in with police reinforcement, so why doesn't he just stand back and let the cops do their thing? Instead he like, gets into a knife fight??? with the teacher, and gets sliced in the neck while trying to stop his teacher from killing himself.

But why would you go in a knife fight when the psycho murder is trying to kill himself. It's not like you have your fingerprints on that knife. It'll look like a clear suicide, and no one's going to bother arguing otherwise. Worst comes to worst, you have a lawyer friend. Idk why he thought going into a fight would be a good idea.

Anyway my anatomy isn't real good, but that knife wound didn't look like it penetrated deep. The external juglar vein, maybe, but it'd be okay if he put pressure on the wound, and called an ambulance. But they have this classic movie-drama moment, where Satoru puts a hand on his neck (yay pressure?) but then delivers some shitty speech (I can't even remember what he said), and after he finishes talking THEN his lawyer friend and the cops rush over. They got there before the speech started. They couldn't have run over sooner? I won't question why Satoru decided to give a speech with blood gushing out of his neck, though--- he's done so many questionable things, it's probably more in character for him to act this way, at this point.

Then we cut forward to another scene, "2016". Yay for the future. Except it shows everyone at tombstone, and uh... it's Satoru's grave.

Wait what. He died? He died from what looked like a shitty superficial neck laceration? Woah okay, assuming it was deep and his carotid artery got hit--- well, NOW I have to question how he gave his fucking speech after he got knifed in the neck. But what the fuck, they just killed the main character for no fucking reason! We had a happy ending, but they had to kill him? For what? Most fucking, pointless death, ever. It wasn't even heroic, the way he died. He wasn't saving any one, he just decides to run up to the psycho murderer and get into a brawl. And dies.

???????

I know the Japanese title translates to "The town where only I am not here", and in the anime this referred to how he went into a coma for near a decade, but he saved his friends by doing so. So it's like, he wasn't around the town, but his friends grew up happily. But in the live action, he was already in a future timeline, none of his friends were in danger, and he just dies to fit the title??? Like, everyone else had reached their "happy ending" status, and he just... dies AFTER that?

Anyway the live action was a huge fucking disappointment. The end. Watch the anime.

Can't forget, won't forgive

It's been half a year since my mother told me that she'll never accept me for who I am. Actually she said that she'd rather if I'd been born retarded. I can't remember if I posted about this before, maybe I didn't. It hurt a lot back then, so I didn't want to say much about it.

Well I gotta tell ya, she sure struck a nerve. I remember how for the first few weeks I was back at school, I'd feel miserable quite spontaneously, and at my (embarrassing) worst, I started crying at a bus stop 10 in the morning. It was fucking weird, but I couldn't control myself. The words she said echoed in my mind at the worst times, I could barely do my job. I was convinced that I had PTSD, and whew it was hard to sleep at night.

Then I forgot about it. I moved on, for a while. Until my "Father" sent me a reminder of our conversation, and I was in agony all over again. I can't even use the word "triggered" because it's a fucking meme now, but that's essentially what it was. I blacklisted him for a while, and whew it felt good not to hear from him.

A few weeks ago he had some minor surgery. I was made aware that his body was not as robust as before, and my mother tried to evoke sympathy. I found nothing. Nothing except for sickening giddiness, knowing that he will become a frail old man while I am in the prime of my years. I don't need to hurt him, I just need to ignore him, and watch him be consumed by helplessness in old age.

I'm disgusting.

It's funny, people always try to convince you that your parents are everything. And not long ago I sincerely believed I wouldn't give a shit if my "father" died from cancer. Maybe I'd be troubled for finances and the logistics of looking after the rest of the family, but I wouldn't be sad.

I give my darkest imaginations too much thought. It's too cruel and uncomfortable to think about, too embarrassing to admit how often I think about it. Too hard to face myself when confronted.

And I once swore that I'd let it go.

I can't, I can't forget. It comes back to my mind time and time again, fresh trauma overrding my festering wounds that did not heal, as if I had run out of undamaged surfaces. I'm being so ridiculously dramatic, I hope when I see this post in another 3 years time, I laugh and say, "I guess I was still in my angsty teenager phase despite being older".

It's a luxury, to go over your old posts and say "well that was cringey as shit", because it shows that you've moved on. The hurt that was so very real back then, the event that made your sky crash down- non of that matters anymore. You think it's no big deal now, and you know if the same thing were to happen, you'd act differently and you wouldn't be half as pathetic, ending up crying in broad daylight (at a bus stop! Of all places, tsk).

And I think, wouldn't it be better if I was born "retarded"? If I didn't have enough connections in my brain, to understand the words that came out of their mouths, would I be here writing this dramatic post, or would I be blissly ignorant in an orphanage somewhere (because I'm sure as hell they would have given me up). Or maybe they wouldn't have? Maybe they would have loved me, because that's "how God intended" me to be? Hah, fuck that. They can't live with me as I am now, how could they have lived if I was less than "normal" in any other way.

A good friend of mine told me, that while it was very frustrating, I should learn to accept that my parents will never change. Was it Einstein that said, madness is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different outcomes? I may be misquoting him. Adjust expectations, live with reality, get on with own life. Simple, concise instructions.

Why are they so hard to follow? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I wanted to vent but I didn't want this post to turn out this way.  I feel like I keep writing and writing and it just becomes a cesspool of bitterness. Dear God, please save me from myself.

Holiday Summary

Well I'm back at school, and it's sad, so I thought I'd write a bit on what I DID accomplish these holidays, to show that I've had a good time.

1. I played so much league. LoL is life-consuming, and because I have much better internet when I'm not at school, I magically become so much better at LoL because I'm no longer playing with 200 ping. I think I just enjoyed being better at the game, and I was able to play with my friends a lot more. My rank is officially "I am not shit at this game"

2. Caught up with friends many times

• Saw the Ghostbusters movie. It was silly, but delightfully so. Though my friend did comment that I was like some kind of "laughter slut", laughing at literally everything in the movie. I didn't think I was that bad, but maybe I am too easily amused by the wrong things.
• Played Articulate one night, that was fun. It's like, pictionary with words? So you have something that you have to describe to your team, and your team must guess what it is. I think you're not allowed to spell it out, say it starts with a certain letter, or say "it sounds like __". But we bend the rules a bit, and on that night I learnt who "Francis of Assisi" was.
• Played cards and other silly board games with other friends. There was one about exploding kittens, which I think is a variation of UNO. Then we played coup- and I really hate that fucking game, because I keep losing. It's not even that I'm terrible at lying, it's just that when I lie, I don't even know WHY I should lie, or what my end goal is. 

3. Played too much Pokemon Go. It's the new hype, but I gotta say it's a fucking terrible game. There's just...nothing to DO most of the time, and it took me like, an hour, to discover it was more efficient to camp at the library, where there are 3 pokestops and permanent lures, as opposed to walking around town looking like a tool. Except, I had so much fun the first couple of days, just playing it on my own. I was so keen I left the house for an hour or two JUST TO PLAY POKEMON. It was kind of unreal- I never had that much enthusiasm for outdoorsy stuff. 

4. Then I ended up mountain climbing with one of my best friends. I tripped and left myself with a bruise on the back of my foot, I also managed to crack my phone screen, but luckily I got that fixed the same day. It was worth it though, because it was actually super-duper fun, and I got to play more Pokemon on the way. Found a wild Aerodactyl and Rapidash. It's sad that they took away the tracking option in Pokemon Go, I saw the silhouette of a wild snorlax only yesterday, but I had no idea where the fuck it was.

5. I went clubbing for the first time, and it was as miserable as I expected it to be. My feet were sore, the music was probably ruining my hearing, and when I saw the other kids having fun I just felt... out of it. Like, it wasn't my idea of a good evening or good fun. The alcohol tasted like medicine, except it's not even good for my health. I think I should just accept that I'm better off listening to an orchestra or watching a play, as opposed to going clubbing. I have no idea why my friends are so into it. They say it's easier to pick up girls- and I dare say it is, because the bass gives you the illusion that your heart is beating fast, and the adrenaline rush mimics the feeling of being in love or having a crush. The rising temperature, grinding bodies on the dance floor, plus all the alcohol- undoubtedly, it is easy to pick up girls. But you know what you also pick up? STDs, unwanted pregnancies, and regret the next morning because you're with someone you wouldn't have been with, if you even had a half-decent conversation with her. I guess if you're into one-night stands and just a "good time", sure, but for my friend who swears he's after "true love" and "long term relationships", it seemed awfully dumb.

6. My main regret is that I didn't draw as much as I wanted, and I didn't play piano as much as I wanted to. I worked a bit more on a song, but it really wasn't much. What I need is constant practice, which unfortunately I don't do often, because it's harder to access a piano up here now. 

7. Oh, I watched some anime and binged some manga. Re-Life was pretty good. I won't say really good, because it wasn't anything special, but it was enjoyable. It's kind of scary how now I'm into all the seinen material, whereas when I was in my teens, I was shounen only. I mean, yeah I'm getting old and I've shifted off the target audience, but I don't like being reminded that I'm getting old. I say "getting old", but I'm actually incredibly young compared to a lot of the people I work with, and because I'm so fucking clueless these days, I just earn zero respect. I guess it's better than being old an clueless, because then it'd take a lot more effort to learn, and people would look at you like you're retarded, as opposed to just inexperienced. I guess my problem is, if I don't speak with confidence (and I rarely do have confidence in myself, unless I know I'm at 90-100%), then people kinda shit on me and assume I know 0%, when in reality I'll know about 70%. 

I better go make up the other 30% now. Holidays are over, after all.

Almost There

I'm geared up for a second set of holidays and boy I'm excited. Between playing Pokemon Go and reading "what is an abscess" for the fifth time, I've discovered that my life is boring and stale and I should really do something about it.

Pokemon Go has been all the hype lately, and I'm the kid who EV trained his Alakazam for 405 special attack back in the day, by killing what must be generations of spindas. Honestly that is 90% of the memories I have in regards to Pokemon Emerald. The other 10% is split between cloning rare candies and challenging the battle frontier- which was all the hype, but that got waaaay too fucking hard.

RIP Spindas

I'm going to hang out with some friends hopefully tonight and for the next two days as well- good way to start my holidays, I suppose. 2 weeks off is a luxury, isn't it? I got my results back from last semester's examinations. I did fail the course I thought I'd fail, but I did pass overall, so I guess it's fine. I wasn't surprised by how poorly I did- you need expectations to be disappointed, and I don't think I had any. I was kind of sad that I didn't do better in the topics I DID study for though; I read through an entire textbook and only got 78% correct. That's kind of atrocious, isn't it?

Now I know how most people feel, when they put in effort and receive very minimal returns. I liked it better when I thought I was clever- back then I could play games all day and pump out an A+ essay in one night. Right now I still play games all day, but my grades are suffering and I don't have a lot of motivation to do much about it.

I'm just glad that semester was over. I had minimal interest in what I studied and I think a change of scenery this time around will be nice. Not that it's helped my enthusiasm. I received a kind evaluation today for finishing my first rotation- the first time ever anyone has given me an "above average" score since medical school started (it's kind of brutal for a previous straight A student to handle, I tell you). Then only "suggested improvement" I got was "needs to be more proactive", which I think is a very nice way of reminding me I should at least pretend I'm interested, even when I don't give a shit.

I should do something about this seemingly endless negativity I have around me. Maybe a good time with friends will remedy a bit of it.

How to spot a pansy

You know how Facebook has these notifications for whose birthday it is, and you can write something generic like "happy birthday" on their wall?

Well apparently it's "fake" to wish someone a happy birthday on their birthday, because I'm "not even friends with them" and we "don't even talk". I guess you can show sincerity by writing 2 paragraphs about how birthday-boy is such a good friend, and how we've known eachother for so long and how touching this event is. For me, maybe I just wanted to wish him a simple, "happy birthday", alright?

I think some people just read too much into these things. I thought I was just doing a nice thing, casually wishing someone "happy birthday"- I would've said it to a stranger, if I knew it was their birthday. It's not like I'm trying to get on his dick or whatever, I'm literally just saying "happy birthday". Only because it's nice to hear, not because we're best friends or that it's super-meaningful.

People criticize social conventions all the time- like saying, "how are you" without expecting anything other than "good, thanks". I get why it's frustrating- especially if you have problems understanding social "rules". But sometimes they're in place not for a particular reason, and maybe we'd save a few years of our lives if we cut out these little things--- except they're nice to have.

It's nice to have people wish you a happy birthday, even if they're not your particular friend. Because it's nice to be acknowledged and remembered, even if Facebook does the reminding for you.

So if you call people out for writing "happy birthday', my God you're the fucking pansy I'm talkin' about.

Goddammit Med School

Med school is the worst thing for your self-esteem, I swear. I went from seeing myself as someone with natural talent, who could achieve anything with effort, to seeing myself as a complete drop-kick. Sure, there are plenty of people who are worse than me- but really that's no comfort because we don't compare down.

This feeling of inadequacy has been haunting me from day 1, and it really hasn't gone away. Every day I known more about medicine than I did the day before- but it just reinforces how dumb I am and how much stuff there is that I don't know. People talk all the time about memories failing- well, I thought I was too young for that, but apparently not. I still remember ridiculous details about useless things, but everything else... not so much.

Some days I'm sure it's just because I'm not trying hard enough. I often ask myself, "do I regret it, do I regret this, do I wish I'd done something else and just declared to my father, "I DON'T NEED YOU OR YOUR MONEY" --- well, I think about it, but if you threw me back in time I'd choose the same thing. Not that I love med more than anything else in the world, or that I'm passionate/ think it's my one-true-calling. It's just that question which I ask myself: "is there anything in the world you'd rather do more than this".

The answer is no. There is nothing I'd want to do more.

But that's not really anything inspirational or dramatic, it just means I have a pitiful imagination and I curse myself for it when I realize at times how I don't like medicine at all. Well that's too negative to say I don't like it... uh
- I don't hate it
- I do find some of it interesting
-I just have no motivation to learn and I seriously don't give a shit about a good 90% of the content
-And some days I wish I was a tree or something, just stay in one place and be useful, make some oxygen.

I don't know why I'm so apathetic. I literally saw open-heart surgery the other day- like, the technology involved was so cool. The heart is stopped, but the patient is kept alive with a pump, we put tubes in the heart to make a bypass- and the patient is alive all this time, even though his heart isn't beating. Even as I describe the procedure to you guys, it sounds cool. But when I was in there, man, all I thought was "whew it's cold in here" and "I wanna go home".

In my brain I know it's meant to be "cool" and I am pretty privileged to be able to see that- in person. It's not like a concert where you can just pay money and watch. Except it just looked like an arts and craft lesson to me, where you cut things open and sew them back up. And the thing about arts and crafts, right, is that it's fun if you're doing it, but when you watch someone else it becomes less fun, and if you have to stand for hours in a cold room watching someone else, it becomes less-fun still. I can see why people would want to be surgeons- it seems cool, you get to sound smart, the nurses do the set-up and the clean-up, it almost sounds too-good.

Then you remember back to the minimum 7 year training AFTER however many years of med school, how you get very little sleep and very little food, all those exams you have to do and all that knowledge you have to retain. Like, fuck that, man. Fuck that lifestyle. Even if I made a lot of money I'd blow it on comfort materials instead of hobbies or w/e.

I've gone so far with med school it's not worth backing out any more. People seem to think I know things, and seem to expect me to know things. Sometimes I meet those expectations, a lot of the time I feel like I don't--- but I'm pretty good at pretending that I do. Maybe one day I'll get called out on it- but I feel like I'm not the only one faking it hard. I assume at some point I'll know what I need to know- just gotta hope no one finds out how much of an imposter I am in the meanwhile.