Me; Selfish

It's one of those rare attacks on your character that can really do a number, being called "selfish". Whether I agree or not, it seems more offensive than being called "ungrateful" or "lazy". I don't know why I feel so insulted. I mean, I almost choked on the hypocrisy of being called that by my parents, but if I had to examine myself internally... yeah, I'm selfish.

I can't help but feel defensive about it. Like, fuck off of course I have the right to be selfish, all you know how to do is trample my fragile feelings, and because I have instincts of self-preservation now and again, I LEARN TO BE SELFISH. It's necessary, not because I want to (See now it just sounds like an excuse.)

Also I didn't want to get down to the core and open another can of worms, but what am I selfish about exactly, huh? Am I selfish for getting into medicine like you wanted me to? Am I selfish to complain that you forced me to do something I didn't want to, forced me to change my university course preferences back in the day??? Yeah alright that is selfish, I should really get the fuck over that some day. I'm going  to graduate one way or another, after all. I guess if I didn't agree to it, they couldn't have physically forced me--- but it's not like you need physical force for coercion, you know. When your mother starts crying and your "father" threatens to throw a temper tantrum every dinner, is that even a choice???

Getting over that- am I selfish because I can't stay heterosexual enough for your liking? Because my identity is a "choice" and I obviously "chose to be a freak". Fuck that. I guess I never did come out properly to my parents, but I thought they knew. See it was I that should have known better, because my parents never give a shit about ME, they only give a shit about this projection that they think is me. Beautiful A grade child getting into med school, bit prone to his "depression" but we all know that's just a joke- he'll surely thank us for this when he grows out of it. So no, they didn't know, and when they saw that I was different, they decided to call my hand unexpectedly last year. Fine, so I told them.

Boy that was a mistake.

Or was it? It's not like I could "hide" any longer. I also felt EXTREMELY indignant that I had to hide at all. Oh, so you're ashamed of me now? And you're mad that I can be comfortable with myself, at all. Well see here Sally, I didn't actually wake up one morning, realize I was different from most people, and get the fuck on with life. I toyed with the idea of self-destruction for the longest while, went into denial, went out of denial, then went back into denial AGAIN. And I wasn't proud of myself, no. I didn't think it possible to hate me more than I hated me. So I smile and tell everyone around me how much I love myself, because they better not find out I'm not half as confident as I seem. If I can't keep up appearances at school, then it would REALLY be game over.

Nobody really understands when I try to say my parents don't give a fuck about me though. After all, they paid for so many things, and they keep on trying to call me. On a superficial level, I have no right to say they don't care about me. Do you, reader, know what I mean though? They've made up this image, this expectation of what their child should be in their head, and any time I deviate the slightest from it, it becomes a drama festival. I've spent so much of my life pleasing them, so when I stop all of a sudden, it must feel like the biggest betrayal. I can imagine how they must feel.

Feels shit, yeah, when the expectation you've raised for over 20 years turn around and betray you. When your expectations want to walk away and start his own private health insurance, when your expectations want to live a state away from you, get a job not-exactly-the-way-you-wanted, and when your expectations refuse to pick up your calls now and again.

The thing is, just because I can imagine how they feel, doesn't mean I feel any more sympathy for their situation. Probably because I'm that expectation, and I don't feel so good either. Since I'm so selfish after all, I direct all my attention on what I want. It's the same as what they do, after all. We all chase after our own selfish desires, so why is it such a sin that I want to love and be loved in a certain way? I get it, I'm a manipulative twat even on a good day, but I'm a real consequentialist too, so if I get what I want in the end, it's fine.

Except I haven't gotten what I wanted, at all, so everything right now is in fact, not-fine.

Let me go revise for my exams for now, I'll finish this dank rant later.