Go this way

Every morning I wake up and I think "this is THE day I change myself for the better" but I always end in a fucking mess, and before I know it, it's night time and I haven't done enough work, and at this point I'm still confused about some basic concepts I need to know for exams next week.

I think I've reached a critical break point, though. I spent a brief period at my parents' place, and I can feel the tension building and building and building. My "Dad" yelled at me for getting off this health insurance, like, whatever the fuck for? I think he just hates it when I'm no longer under his control, but he seriously needs to get the fuck over it, if that's the case. Unless he thinks I'm using his money to pay for my own health insurance, which I'M NOT, but yeah it's a fucking mess what the fuck do I know.

The revision is coming along smoothly, surprisingly. I knew more about things than I ever gave myself credit for, and for that, I'm thankful. It's just that sometimes life attacks me from all sides, and I want to yell and scream but the best I can manage is a fake smile and a pleasant nod. I didn't want to live life this way. I'd prefer to deal with the pain, get hurt real good, have a nice cry then get the fuck over it. Doesn't really work that way, cos the pain's chronic and constant but barely tolerable, so it just gnaws and gnaws and gnaws at you until you DO start crying, but then you gotta get the fuck back to work because you don't have time to cry over petty shit. But you never get over it. You just stash it away somewhere- "I'll deal with it later", but then that pile builds up and up until you have "unresolved issues" in every aspect of life, from family to work to relationships. Then you're feeling very fragile and vulnerable because goddamn there's no one to turn to any more.

When people get on my nerves, intentional or not, I just want to yell out "I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU, SO GET OFF MY BACK". Except sometimes I'm terrified, so I don't actually yell it out. I am utterly convinced, however, that there's nothing anyone can do to me, that I can't do to myself. It's like, "you wanna hurt me? Well fuck you because I can hurt myself more". That's not the best mentality to live by, no. It just occasionally makes me feel invincible, in a twisted kind of way.

I should get some rest, soon.