Cringe

So the presentation I wrote about last time went alright. I didn't embarrass myself (I think) but I wasn't spectacular either. I think it was one of those forgettable things and people generally understand that you're there because you have to be. I mean, I didn't want it to end that way, but I really couldn't find myself being passionate enough or energetic enough, which I have come to regret.

Some days I'm happy with myself, and other days I want to be a different person. A few years ago I wanted to be the "cool kid", like so many people my age. When I say "cool" I don't necessarily mean "go-clubbing-get-drunk-fuck-around", but I wanted to be someone who could say "relaaaax!" and just be really chill all the time. I think it's because in reality I deal with a lot of anxiety and I wanted to be someone who didn't have to deal with anxiety.

It's not like I have an anxiety disorder or anything, I function well. I believe anxiety is what pushes me to achieve things and to do well. I just HATED the feeling. You know, it's when you lie awake at night, feeling the sense of impending doom, then you wake up sleep-deprived the next morning, and you carry on anyway because you're too tired to give a shit- about the things that stressed you out so much you were not able to sleep properly last night. That was what I became. Ironic, yeah?

I thought "not caring" would be the same as not being anxious. Oh boy was I mistaken. "Not caring" is really my default response to life going out of control, it's when I realize I'm powerless to change anything, and I'm better off letting it go. That doesn't mean I've accepted the outcome, and it doesn't mean I've adjusted. It's just when people see me in my "final form" after all that turmoil, they'll go, "oh wow, he's a really cool guy! He just gets going and doesn't give a shit".

At least I can pull of the illusion, and LOOK like who I wanted to be.

"Fake it til you make it". Well, I've taken it to heart, and I've been faking for so long, but I'm not actually going any where. I pretended to be competent, but people are calling me out on it and idk how long I can keep up the facade. It's like everyone's pulling at a different thread and I'm just becoming undone.

Right now, however, I want to be someone else entirely. I want to be someone who is passionate about life, who can find a reason for every single day being valuable, who has enough drive and ambition and discipline to take him where ever he wants to go. I want to be mature and responsible, I want to know how to deal with difficult situations, how to work calmly and arrive at a reasonable conclusion, instead of breaking down into a hideous mess like I usually do. I wish I had someone in my life who was like that, so that I can use them as a role model. In reality, I only see shadows of these desirable attributes in different people, and when I see someone hardworking, I have this nagging thought that tells me "you'll never be able to do that".

I don't know if it's self doubt or whatever. I don't think I've proven that I can work hard, just yet. I've just always convinced myself that "I don't want to work that hard". That might be a lie. I DO want to be the hard-working type, I just... don't quite make it there. It's more like... I wish that I had the motivation to work hard.

So the "cringe" in the title comes from a practise exam I did today. I scored 12/21 (a failing mark), whereas in round one of the actual exam, I scored a 19/21 (which is a spectacular score). There's all this self-doubt of "am I regressing" and "what is wrong with me", and I was motivated to immediately go out and practise harder. It didn't work out after all, because I was too tired, and there was no one around, and I just- I don't even know. I came home and felt like a mess, and I almost fell asleep on the couch after I walked through the door. I did just change and go to sleep- and I woke at 9, to the message of my previous-crush wishing me "Happy mid Autumn's". I forgot that was a thing. It's Spring in Australia, after all.

I don't know why, but that message just made me feel more defeated than usual. Like, I'm on an unhappy trend for my 2nd round of examinations, I'm so tired I almost collapsed as soon as I came home, my knowledge base is terrible, I can't read enough to be satisfied--- and when I wake up at 9pm to a message from someone I liked but haven't seen/spoken to in a year, I just feel so pathetic. Like, I have NOTHING together. Everything's in fucking shambles, and I don't know where I'm going with it. Apparently it's not enough to "go with the tide" and let life carry on, but now I'm the captain of a sinking ship with a map that isn't marked and a compass that doesn't point north.

It's one of those days where I just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.