I usually freak out about oral presentations. I think I'm freaking out now, internally, but for some reason I'm not working. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I've had so long to work on this ONE project, to rehearse, to do something meaningful about it. In the end I just... I don't know, end up watching videos on youtube? Start an internal monologue on how hard my life is? God I need to get a grip.
I feel really out of touch with reality. I've gotten along well with most people in my life, but recently I think I've gotten on the bad side of one of my superiors. Which is actually fine, because they're not an inherently malicious person, I think there's just a bit of coldness between us and I'm not even sure I want to bring the distance closer. It's fine the way we are, being polite without being comfortable.
To add some happiness to the discussion, I started rotation about a month ago with the prettiest girl I've met in... I don't know how long. Like hooooly shit if you told me she was a model I'd believe you. So many times I've thought to myself, when I looked at her, "wow, do you get paid to look that good?" She has the most beautiful eyes, too. Bright blue. My favourite.
We didn't exactly get along at first. I don't know if it was because I was too non-committal or really aloof.... but I felt like she was really cold towards me. It's always sad when a pretty girl distances herself from you, but I didn't want to be one of those guys who got really sour about it. Maybe she has resting-bitchface, like, isn't that a real syndrome (right???)- then it's not her fault (or mine, is it????). Later on I sort of felt like it was because I... came across as a massive fucking show-off.
Which is ironic, because in reality I'm a borderline student on the verge of failure. People don't perceive it that way- they think it's my "Asian modesty" or that I'm one of those guys who say "ohhh no I near failed!!!" while rocking a 96%. Well, I can't really blame them. I think I got upset about getting 93% on an essay, once, because it dropped my average to below 96. But that was literally more than 3 years ago, and I'm a changed man, I swear!
Well, not that I changed in a good way. It's a tragedy when your tryhard star-student becomes a worthless pile of shit like me. Right now I'm trying to remold the pile of shit into something meaningful, but when you get down to it, a pile of shit is still a pile of shit, no matter what you shape it into. I try and stay optimistic and all; maybe I can work on "not being worthless" as opposed to "not being shit". One day I'll be the pile of golden turd that everyone pines for.
Anyway, back to the pretty girl. Hooooly shit she's beautiful. I just wanted her to have a nice, bubbly personality and that totally wasn't it. I guess it was rather sexist of me to expect every pretty girl to be friendly. But I wanted to be friends with her- because she was smart, she was hard-working, and above all, she looked so good so effortlessly---------she looks beautiful even when she's sick and nasally congested. It's insane.
Yeah there I go again, valuing the superficial stuff. But I can't really help it at the moment, I'll work on it later.
So throughout the week I found out that she was capable of smiling, and that she really got along with other people--- she smiled easily and her expression softened. There goes my "resting bitchface" theory. If she does have that, I guess it's target specific (i.e. towards me). That was a sad realization. Then things got better!
I think she finally forgave me for being a "show-off" after I got ripped apart in one of my presentations. I did such a shit job I just wanted to rewind time and start over, or erase everyone's memories. It was going to be one of those "cringe" moments forever, those things that keep you awake at 1am, intruding in the most unwelcome manner. Then we bonded again last week, when we both got destroyed by a barrage of questions we barely understood. Man that session was so brutal and felt so bad, I had an internal cry.
Afterwards we skipped school together, and it was going to be our mutual secret (shhh, dont' tell). It took a good 3 weeks to warm up to my partner, but it did happen in the end, and I am so glad. We're not close to each other or anything, but I could sit next to her in a crowded room, and it wouldn't be strange. Small talk is more natural as opposed to forced, and it just feels nice to be on the same boat as someone else.
Well I better get back to rehearsing this presentation for tomorrow. I hope I don't make a fool of myself again. Once is enough, after all.
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