So many choices

>Imagine you're an expert in your field, and you've been asked to take on some students for the day
>You decide to ask some basic questions (well, at least YOU think they're basic)
>The students look at you like you're speaking in a foreign language, instead of providing a sensible answer.
>Do you:

a) Try rephrasing your question

b) Ask a simpler question and guide the students to the answer you wanted

c) Tell them the answer and explain why it is the answer

d) Become annoyed that they don't know the basics, and tell them to read about it without giving the answer away (because they'll just forget what you say, so it's better if they read up about it themselves)

e) Smile cryptically

f) Mock your students for their stupidity without telling them the answer

g) Give the answer eventually, after a convoluted discussion

h) Shake your head and move on, because you didn't want to take these students anyway and wow what a waste of your time

--------------------------

I'm having a childish whinge here. Don't mind me. I just think it's bullshit when teachers tell you things like "look it up yourself", because a prompt card could've done the same thing. I've gotten to the stage where I don't bother asking questions, because I know how to find the answer in a textbook or online, so why bother embarrassing myself? I don't enjoy being stupid, you know. If I can save myself from the humiliation of not-knowing, then I will.

I have to constantly remind myself that "not-knowing" is not a crime, it's only problematic when you realize you don't know something, but do nothing to change it. I'm not like that. It's just frustrating when people shame you for it... I guess people have expectations, which I'm obviously not meeting. I'm just... agitated? Is that the right word? It's like people think you just... magically learn things. Like how my mother said "oh but why don't you learn how to perform surgery? You're in medical school, after all".

And I almost lost myself in suppressed rage and exasperation, because it was ludicrous to me how someone can casually say "why don't you just learn how to perform surgery". Because there's so much to know, so much to learn, and she's implying that I'm not trying or whatever. Ack it pisses me off. I hate people like her, really. They like to presume everything whilst knowing nothing, and they can just drop careless words around in this absent-minded fashion, like other peoples' efforts are a mere afterthought. Fuck that.

I don't know why people always want to give their opinion on what I do/ who I am. Some days for me, living is a fucking struggle. I have to constantly tell myself, "pain is good, because if I can feel pain, it means I'm alive". Then I repeatedly convince myself that being alive is better than being dead, and feeling pain is better than not-feeling at all. It hurts, but it feels good to hurt. Sometimes. Not the kind of hurt my "parents" leave me with. But like, physical pain is fine.

God, from what I've written, you must think I spend my spare time self-destructing. No, I don't self-harm. It hurts, after all, and I have enough pain to feel without adding to it. I think some days are just worse than others, and today's one of those days where I think it'd be poetic if rain poured incessantly and a flood washed over the entire city.

Then I'd probably drown, and I don't think I'd like the feeling of fluid in my lungs, but metaphorically I'd like to drown my thoughts.

People say your memory gets worse as you get older; and I always thought I had a good memory, I just wasn't remembering what was important, and I seemed to have no choice in what I recalled. Memory for me, is about reinforcement. I think information is imprinted just fine, but if I don't recall it often enough, it just gets lost with time and it's just... not helpful. I don't think I have amnesia per se, but wouldn't it be nice to forget everyone and thus forget all the things people have imposed on me?

I need to go to bed. When I suffer sleep deprivation my mood changes to something frightfully depressing. I haven't slept in so long I'm starting to feel cold.