I've been waiting for warmer weather for a long time, even though it's been one of the warmest winters I've ever experienced. I think I only used heating for a few nights, and that was because I couldn't stop shivering despite all the layers I was wearing. I'm eagerly awaiting the new season.
It's been difficult for me to be productive over the weekends, lately. After I get home, I tell myself I'll study- and I do, at least a little. But the weekend should be where the bulk of my work is done, because of all that time I have. Instead I choose to sleep in (because sleeping in is a total luxury for me these days), and I cook myself a nice meal (because eating well is also a luxury) and I waste the afternoon away by reading in the sunlight or I play some video games with my friends. It's a nice way to spend a day, but not that great when I should be studying. On Sunday I think all I got up to was domestic chores; taking out the garbage, vacuuming the carpet, laundry etc. It makes me feel proud in a way, that I can look after myself, and knowing that I don't enjoy living in filth, so I clean up.
I wish "study" wasn't always a priority in my life. Ideally, I'd like to learn for the rest of my life. I don't mind the idea of flipping open a new journal, attending lectures and attaining new information. Practicing cool tricks I learnt in the classroom and applying them to the real world. It becomes a problem, however, when the "study" is compulsory and takes precedence over everything else in my life. In truth, I think I care about other things more, and I don't like how my values are set. I feel like if I give it any less than my current effort, I will undoubtedly fail the course (I've come so close so many times, ewww), and that's not something I want to deal with either.
I was talking to my friend earlier this afternoon about what I'd do if money wasn't an issue in my life. I reckon I'd spend most of my day drawing, and on other days I'd write. Opinion pieces for whoever is willing to publish them, and I'd continue to read and learn so that I can be informed, so that my opinion is worth something to other people. Wouldn't it be nice, if people cared about what I thought.
Even though I had a holiday not long ago, I'd love to start another one. I don't feel like I've done much work this term, and I wish it'd change. It's not because I don't have work to do, it's because I lack motivation and I don't push myself as hard as I should. Well, an actual holiday would be terrible, because I don't really want to be seeing my "family" again so soon. I know it's sad, but I really like it sometimes, when they're just completely out of my life, and I don't pay them any thought. My friends sometimes tell me how they miss home or miss their parents- I think I still understand how that feels, it's just that the people I miss aren't my parents, but I wish I had a place called "home" which I would yearn to return to.
If it was warmer I'd go back to the beach. It's weird how I feel more at peace when I'm at water's edge, even though I'm convinced I'd drown if I ventured out and be swallowed by the tides. But it's kind of comforting, in a way... If I died and my body was tossed in the sea, everything would start dissolving, and eventually even my bones would return to their mineral components, and get swished around...
Actually now that I think about it, it's not that romantic. Never mind.
I just want the school year to be over. Goddamn.
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