I felt like I haven't slept properly for a while. I went out to see "Horrible Bosses" a few days ago with someone who I'm not sure I like. I mean, I guess I used to like her but sometimes I feel like she only hangs out with me because she thinks I might be useful to her in the future. There's not much to talk about between us and I think we only knew each other because I was really keen on showing off how to solve certain maths problems.
The movie was good, yeah. As good as the first one, but I wouldn't say it was better or worse. I enjoyed it myself. I don't regret going but I think I regret who I went with. Some people you try desperately and you give everything you have so they'd stay in your life, but other people I don't think I'd miss. In fact there are some people you just don't need at all, and they're better off gone than anything else.
I don't think I'm in another one of my depressive moods, but I can't explain why I've been sleeping so poorly. Compared to my usual 4am holiday sleep schedule, I actually sleep at around 10pm now so I can wake up and go to work. Yeah, I'm working a lot, but I get paid a fair amount and I like that I have the freedom to spend. There's no real hesitation of "ohhh, should I get that or should I walk around for 2 hours trying to find something cheaper"- I basically look up what I want, see that I can afford it with my savings, and then I go purchase it. Not that I have a lot of time to enjoy what I spend my money on, but that's the trade-off. It's ok in the end.
What's been bothering me though- it's these shitty dreams I keep on having. Sometimes when I'm dreaming I can tell I'm in a dream and it's kind of fun because I can give myself super-powers, but the kind of dreams I've been having recently are the literal worst. I can't tell dream from reality and when I wake up in the morning it takes me a moment to realize I was in a dream- it doesn't actually feel that way though, it just feels like I've moved to a different dimension where everything is actually kind of ok and everybody is still alive and happy. Idk, the quality of my sleep has just been dreadful.
So yeah the net effect is that I'm really tired and really grumpy all the time. Plus the whole capped internet thing means there's not much else I can use my new laptop for, which is a bummer. I want to play music instead but I got braces so I can't really play flute any more and I never got around to buying that keyboard I was thinking about getting for various reasons. I'm thinking of getting my mother an iPad for Christmas- so she'll either be really happy or be really grumpy that I "wasted' a shitload of money. I mean I'll throw away the receipt and all that but idk. I hope she just takes the present instead of getting angry at me for spending my money on buying her a present. I mean, I wouldn't be surprised if she did but I just hope it doesn't happen.
Idk what Christmas is going to be like this year. I've only had like, one decent Christmas in my entire life (and it was like, last year or the year before... or something). That one day where nobody did anything offensive or said anything to piss me off. I just want that again this year. I think it'd be great if everybody could just not fight for one day. I don't need a sunshine beach side holiday- it'd be nice if people could just be friendly and stuff.
Anyway I'm super tired and I can barely keep myself awake. Night.
Saturday, 20 December 2014
Monday, 15 December 2014
Pokemon and other aspects of life
My internet is capped again. Yeah, I write that line waaay too often. Why don't we switch to a new plan, you ask? Well, because I'm not paying for it and the person who is paying happens to be obsessed with having the fastest internet possible for all of 10 days (we're capped for the other 20). Fun stuff, right?
Anyway I've been playing Pokemon in my off time. I bought Pokemon omega ruby- I'm working again and with the pay raise this year I think I'll barely make back the money I splurged on the new laptop and whatever Christmas spending I want to do. +0 to the savings account though. But yeah Pokemon. It's a remake of the original ruby version- and tbh a remake is really just a remake- super underwhelming. I don't really understand why I keep buying these Pokemon games- probably because I have the money now- but I lost interest in Pokemon back when Heart Gold and Soul Silver were released. Black and White gave it a new breath of life but then I just got bored again. Sure Pokemon X was really fun (the graphics were amazing) but the game mechanics remained the same and I just didn't enjoy grooming my Pokemon or feeding them or whatever. I guess it's true that you do grow out of things. I never thought I'd have a problem with grinding for levels or doing repetitive tasks- but the truth is, I hate Pokemon battling and I get so bored so quickly.
Not that I've never enjoyed a remake though. I bought the TWEWY remake on iOS and that was worth every dollar I paid. Yes the game was essentially the same- they changed the combat system obviously, since it was a port from DS to iPad- but it was still immensely fun and I still loved the story. I think the only difference was that I finished the game waaaay too quickly and I didn't do a lot of the end-game-content. I might never get to that, actually, but yeah I don't regret the time I invested in that remake.
One remake I'm looking forward to is Devil Survivor 2. It's easily one of my favorite games- news of a remake has been out for ages, but it got delayed for like 2 years and it's finally gonna be out in Japan next year in January. I'm not sure if there's going to be an English version though. What I find totally stupid about gaming consoles these days is the whole "region lock" factor. Like, why the fuck won't you let me play US games. If you want me to buy local games YOU SHOULD FUCKING RELEASE THAT GAME FOR THE PAL REGION. Like goddammit I hate it when only US gets a release. Like, I CAN READ THAT LANGUAGE- JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING GAME.
At least for the future I'll know- if they ever release a 4DS or whatever the fuck- I'm going to buy the US version. I'll go order myself one off ebay and pay whatever taxes plus shipping. I bet I'd save a shitload of money on games in the future anyway. Like, US games are so much cheaper (for the same thing) and I have no idea why. I think as Australians we're just accustomed to paying more for less. No wonder Apple thrives in this country.
Oh yeah there's this siege thing going on in Sydney CBD, where hostages are being held in a Lindt Cafe. I feel so bad for the people there, and I also feel bad for the Muslim community that's getting attacked (because some people bigoted assholes). It's kinda been all over the news and I hope people come out alright. I didn't think something like this would happen in Australia, but I guess if it were to happen it WOULD be Sydney CBD- where else are you gonna get all dat media coverage and attention? But yeah I wish they could rescue more people but apparently the guy has a gun. I'd probably shit myself if I showed up to work and then got held at gunpoint all day. The whole event is just a massive atrocity.
I guess all we can do is hope that it works out in the end.
Anyway I've been playing Pokemon in my off time. I bought Pokemon omega ruby- I'm working again and with the pay raise this year I think I'll barely make back the money I splurged on the new laptop and whatever Christmas spending I want to do. +0 to the savings account though. But yeah Pokemon. It's a remake of the original ruby version- and tbh a remake is really just a remake- super underwhelming. I don't really understand why I keep buying these Pokemon games- probably because I have the money now- but I lost interest in Pokemon back when Heart Gold and Soul Silver were released. Black and White gave it a new breath of life but then I just got bored again. Sure Pokemon X was really fun (the graphics were amazing) but the game mechanics remained the same and I just didn't enjoy grooming my Pokemon or feeding them or whatever. I guess it's true that you do grow out of things. I never thought I'd have a problem with grinding for levels or doing repetitive tasks- but the truth is, I hate Pokemon battling and I get so bored so quickly.
Not that I've never enjoyed a remake though. I bought the TWEWY remake on iOS and that was worth every dollar I paid. Yes the game was essentially the same- they changed the combat system obviously, since it was a port from DS to iPad- but it was still immensely fun and I still loved the story. I think the only difference was that I finished the game waaaay too quickly and I didn't do a lot of the end-game-content. I might never get to that, actually, but yeah I don't regret the time I invested in that remake.
One remake I'm looking forward to is Devil Survivor 2. It's easily one of my favorite games- news of a remake has been out for ages, but it got delayed for like 2 years and it's finally gonna be out in Japan next year in January. I'm not sure if there's going to be an English version though. What I find totally stupid about gaming consoles these days is the whole "region lock" factor. Like, why the fuck won't you let me play US games. If you want me to buy local games YOU SHOULD FUCKING RELEASE THAT GAME FOR THE PAL REGION. Like goddammit I hate it when only US gets a release. Like, I CAN READ THAT LANGUAGE- JUST GIVE ME THE FUCKING GAME.
At least for the future I'll know- if they ever release a 4DS or whatever the fuck- I'm going to buy the US version. I'll go order myself one off ebay and pay whatever taxes plus shipping. I bet I'd save a shitload of money on games in the future anyway. Like, US games are so much cheaper (for the same thing) and I have no idea why. I think as Australians we're just accustomed to paying more for less. No wonder Apple thrives in this country.
Oh yeah there's this siege thing going on in Sydney CBD, where hostages are being held in a Lindt Cafe. I feel so bad for the people there, and I also feel bad for the Muslim community that's getting attacked (because some people bigoted assholes). It's kinda been all over the news and I hope people come out alright. I didn't think something like this would happen in Australia, but I guess if it were to happen it WOULD be Sydney CBD- where else are you gonna get all dat media coverage and attention? But yeah I wish they could rescue more people but apparently the guy has a gun. I'd probably shit myself if I showed up to work and then got held at gunpoint all day. The whole event is just a massive atrocity.
I guess all we can do is hope that it works out in the end.
Wednesday, 10 December 2014
Dat Social Lyf
I was feeling really depressed a while back so I decided to spice up my social life lately. While people are always leaving there are always people around to replace those who left, and just because people leave don't mean they don't come back into your life again.
Anyway I went out to karaoke with a bunch of girls- this was after work and I was exhausted, but work kinda sucks and I missed my friends so I made it. I found out that everyone there kind of broke up with their boyfriends recently- and I thought to myself, "huh, I'm not the only one who's depressed in this world, eh?" I guess the benefit to being alone is that there's no one to break up with.
After a rather strange karaoke where people sang a lot of sad and angsty songs, I went to yum cha the next day. It was a Sunday so not many places were open, and the place we went to was the shits. The food was mediocre, the variety was bad and I didn't like it at all. It's a shame I had work basically every other day, otherwise we could've gone somewhere else. I somehow ended up playing board games at a gaming bar afterwards, and tried drinks named "Falcon Punch" and "Blood of a Noob". Weirdass names, but the drinks tasted alright- well, they tasted like fruit juice, really.
Later on ended up at a friend of a friend's house later- then before I knew it the time was like 9pm and I had eaten way too much pizza and KFC. I was learning to play the Game of Thrones board game- and learning how to play is like giving yourself cancer. There were so many rules and they were all hard to remember- then there was just a stupid amount of intricacies involved. I guess the game could be fun... but finishing one game of it took us til 1am... I remember getting to the friend-of-a-friend's house at like... 4pm? It was a long night, and I don't think I like the game enough to want to play it for hours on end.
I got home way late and basically crashed into bed. Then I had to force myself awake in the morning because I made an appointment with the orthodontist. I'm quite happy with my current orthodontist- the old one I had I wasn't really happy with. I awkwardly double booked myself with both of them- the difference was I remembered one appointment and not the other- and so today I got an invoice of $160 for a missed appointment. I don't plan on paying it though- I think my old orthodontist is just having a go at me for having missed his appointment. I guess it's my fault but I made the appointment months back and got zero reminders about it. Like, sure they sent me emails but it all went into my junk mail folder so I just forgot about it completely. I assumed they'd text or call me or something when I didn't confirm my appointment, but instead it was more just- "here, have a massive bill".
Assholes.
But basically what that means is I have braces on- they cost a lot of money and life really sucks right now because I'm in extraordinary amounts of pain. This hurts way more than getting my wisdom teeth pulled out. At least when I had wisdom teeth out I lost all my appetite due to going under anaesthesia- this one's just like... my teeth hurts, my jaw aches, I can't chew properly but I'm so, so hungry. I'm miserable right now. I also have this bite plate thingy- and every time I wear it I feel the metal lodge into my teeth and it hurts like a bitch.
The orthodontist recommended some over-the-counter pain relief, and I'm feeding myself prescription level of drugs but it's not really helping. Internet says the pain will go away in a week, when I get used to it... but tbh idk how people get used to this shit. The wires are grazing my mouth and I think I can taste blood- this is absolutely miserable. I also can't talk properly, it's terrible.
Life is balls right now.
Anyway I went out to karaoke with a bunch of girls- this was after work and I was exhausted, but work kinda sucks and I missed my friends so I made it. I found out that everyone there kind of broke up with their boyfriends recently- and I thought to myself, "huh, I'm not the only one who's depressed in this world, eh?" I guess the benefit to being alone is that there's no one to break up with.
After a rather strange karaoke where people sang a lot of sad and angsty songs, I went to yum cha the next day. It was a Sunday so not many places were open, and the place we went to was the shits. The food was mediocre, the variety was bad and I didn't like it at all. It's a shame I had work basically every other day, otherwise we could've gone somewhere else. I somehow ended up playing board games at a gaming bar afterwards, and tried drinks named "Falcon Punch" and "Blood of a Noob". Weirdass names, but the drinks tasted alright- well, they tasted like fruit juice, really.
Later on ended up at a friend of a friend's house later- then before I knew it the time was like 9pm and I had eaten way too much pizza and KFC. I was learning to play the Game of Thrones board game- and learning how to play is like giving yourself cancer. There were so many rules and they were all hard to remember- then there was just a stupid amount of intricacies involved. I guess the game could be fun... but finishing one game of it took us til 1am... I remember getting to the friend-of-a-friend's house at like... 4pm? It was a long night, and I don't think I like the game enough to want to play it for hours on end.
I got home way late and basically crashed into bed. Then I had to force myself awake in the morning because I made an appointment with the orthodontist. I'm quite happy with my current orthodontist- the old one I had I wasn't really happy with. I awkwardly double booked myself with both of them- the difference was I remembered one appointment and not the other- and so today I got an invoice of $160 for a missed appointment. I don't plan on paying it though- I think my old orthodontist is just having a go at me for having missed his appointment. I guess it's my fault but I made the appointment months back and got zero reminders about it. Like, sure they sent me emails but it all went into my junk mail folder so I just forgot about it completely. I assumed they'd text or call me or something when I didn't confirm my appointment, but instead it was more just- "here, have a massive bill".
Assholes.
But basically what that means is I have braces on- they cost a lot of money and life really sucks right now because I'm in extraordinary amounts of pain. This hurts way more than getting my wisdom teeth pulled out. At least when I had wisdom teeth out I lost all my appetite due to going under anaesthesia- this one's just like... my teeth hurts, my jaw aches, I can't chew properly but I'm so, so hungry. I'm miserable right now. I also have this bite plate thingy- and every time I wear it I feel the metal lodge into my teeth and it hurts like a bitch.
The orthodontist recommended some over-the-counter pain relief, and I'm feeding myself prescription level of drugs but it's not really helping. Internet says the pain will go away in a week, when I get used to it... but tbh idk how people get used to this shit. The wires are grazing my mouth and I think I can taste blood- this is absolutely miserable. I also can't talk properly, it's terrible.
Life is balls right now.
Saturday, 29 November 2014
I'm So Lonely
Reading shoujo manga is the absolute worst. I just finished Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun and now I feel like a complete mess. I hate that the characters seem to live such ordinary lives, yet they always find company. The drama of the story is the same- girl loves boy, boy loves girl, in comes another girl and another boy and blah blah blah the story continues. But every time I see a scenario like that, it hurts. Oh my fucking God it hurts like hell.
I really hate the concept of unrequited love.
I am pretty sure that it's just loser's sympathy- when you've liked someone in a completely one-sided manner but they were always, always invested in someone else- that kind of feeling is the worst. Then when you see it play out in the manga you're reading you just want to yell at the girl: JUST DATE HIM, DUMP YOUR CURRENT LOSER-OF-A-LOVE-INTEREST WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, AND DATE THAT PROUD BUT AWKWARD KID WHO'S ALWAYS THERE, WAITING FOR YOU TO NOTICE HIM. I think I really hated this manga because I sympathize so much with one of the characters. I'm just staring at another version of myself, and realizing that I didn't get the lead role and I won't be the center of this story.
You know how it goes- everyone is meant to be the main character of their own lives. After all, we make our own decisions, choose who we interact with and then become someone unique. But do you know, how tragic it is, to feel like a side-character in your own life? Like you're just there, playing around, being the background music to everyone else's show. It's miserable to be someone else's backdrop.
The other thing I hate about all these romance-themed things- they all seemed to happen during school. The pressure of study just seem to be secondary; everyone still finds time to do really fun things on the weekends, participate in school fairs and fall in love. Real life doesn't work that way. Real life is trying to remember everything you hear in class from nine to four, then go home and suffer your endless assignments and maths problems. One morning you'll get thrown out of the house because you're playing games at 7am but you didn't get above 90 on your medical entrance exam. Real life is feeling depressed when you're alone, happy when you're with others, but hating company all at once. Real life is thinking that if you don't beat every other kid on the maths test, you'll ruin your maths scores for this term, which will ruin your combined maths score for the year, which will ruin your university entrance score, which will ruin your chances of getting into a respectable degree, and then you won't be able to find a very, very high paying job to pay off your parents' mortgage, retirement, debts and your sibling's education. Oh and you better have money left over to pay your own rent, bills and put food on everyone's table.
Man this post is a train-wreck. My mood is terrible right now.
I guess there are some things I will never forgive or forget.
I really hate the concept of unrequited love.
I am pretty sure that it's just loser's sympathy- when you've liked someone in a completely one-sided manner but they were always, always invested in someone else- that kind of feeling is the worst. Then when you see it play out in the manga you're reading you just want to yell at the girl: JUST DATE HIM, DUMP YOUR CURRENT LOSER-OF-A-LOVE-INTEREST WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND YOU, AND DATE THAT PROUD BUT AWKWARD KID WHO'S ALWAYS THERE, WAITING FOR YOU TO NOTICE HIM. I think I really hated this manga because I sympathize so much with one of the characters. I'm just staring at another version of myself, and realizing that I didn't get the lead role and I won't be the center of this story.
You know how it goes- everyone is meant to be the main character of their own lives. After all, we make our own decisions, choose who we interact with and then become someone unique. But do you know, how tragic it is, to feel like a side-character in your own life? Like you're just there, playing around, being the background music to everyone else's show. It's miserable to be someone else's backdrop.
The other thing I hate about all these romance-themed things- they all seemed to happen during school. The pressure of study just seem to be secondary; everyone still finds time to do really fun things on the weekends, participate in school fairs and fall in love. Real life doesn't work that way. Real life is trying to remember everything you hear in class from nine to four, then go home and suffer your endless assignments and maths problems. One morning you'll get thrown out of the house because you're playing games at 7am but you didn't get above 90 on your medical entrance exam. Real life is feeling depressed when you're alone, happy when you're with others, but hating company all at once. Real life is thinking that if you don't beat every other kid on the maths test, you'll ruin your maths scores for this term, which will ruin your combined maths score for the year, which will ruin your university entrance score, which will ruin your chances of getting into a respectable degree, and then you won't be able to find a very, very high paying job to pay off your parents' mortgage, retirement, debts and your sibling's education. Oh and you better have money left over to pay your own rent, bills and put food on everyone's table.
Man this post is a train-wreck. My mood is terrible right now.
I guess there are some things I will never forgive or forget.
Tuesday, 25 November 2014
Work, Games, Guilt
Just got lectured today by Mom about spending money- she says that when I want to buy something, I don't think about the financial consequences of my purchases, I just buy it. For the first time in my life I didn't feel immediately exasperated and a little angry. I think she's right, to a degree. When I've decided I want something, I work, save money, and then I spend it on the item I want.
It's not that I'm bad at economizing- I guess in some people's eyes I do spend rather irresponsibly, but to me that's just understanding the fact that I don't have any bills to pay atm. I'm accumulating a lot fo debt, for sure, but that debt isn't going to be paid off by me working my Christmas casual job. What my casual job pays is the random shit I like indulging in, such as food, drink, electronics and books. Oh, and really expensive concert tickets. Trust me, I DO understand the idea of opportunity cost- I just don't agree with what other people think is ideal spending. My Mom always insists that I save my money so that I can go travel- and I do plan on travelling, just not any time soon. I don't think travelling is more important to me than having a new laptop. This laptop will last at least 1 year, but it's not like I can travel for an entire year with 1.5 grand. Or maybe I could if I suffered impoverished conditions- but yeah what I'm saying is I don't want to go on a one week holiday when I can buy a laptop I can use for a year.
My propensity to save is very, very low, I know. That's mostly because at the moment, I don't believe I'm saving substantial money. I make like... less than 20 bucks an hour? It's a pretty shit pay rate if you wanna save for anything other than the stuff I buy. Over like, 2 years of working I've only managed to save 3k. I know that if I spent none of it, I'd have closer to 6 or 7k- look, that sounds nice, but without that money I would've missed out on a lot of time with my friends, a lot of books and definitely a lot of games. Those are all things I don't regret. I also went to that Jay Chou concert, and I don't think I'll get another chance to go again.
I think if there's ever a time to spend irresponsibly in my life, now is probably the time. I feel a little bad about spending but not that bad because ultimately I'm using my own money so it's fine. I guess you could say I'm making bad financial decisions, but in my mind the money I have now is too little to have any impact in the grand scheme of things. I mean when I graduate and start working I'm hoping to make at least double (per hour) what I make now- maybe THEN we'll talk about saving for a small apartment, a car and that kind of thing. Right now I'm pretty happy to just pay $70 for a shirt I like.
----------
Onto something else entirely- my friend came over one night and helped me set up my laptop- he also took some files off me. Then he went home and apparently his internet is disconnecting intermittently and he thinks he got a virus or something from my files. I feel kind of bad and kind of responsible and if his laptop needs repair I'll probably pay his repair fees. It's just that at the same time I don't feel like he ACTUALLY got a virus from me- like, I'm bad at IT and I don't actually know anything about anything but that's basically how I feel? It's probs because both my old and new laptops are fine and they've both loaded the same files. Yeah yeah I know that's not how viruses work and maybe my laptops just didn't get infected for some reason but his did, but still.
Good thing I'm working, eh? At least I have the money to cover should anything bad occur. When I went back to work everything felt pretty much the same. Deja vu all over the place, like I'd never even left. I guess that's the good thing about working the same Christmas job in same place year after year. People come, people go but everything's still the same. I believe at this point I'm actually close to being the most senior member of the store- and it feels bad because there is still so much I can't do because I'm away at school for most of the year.
Crazy as it sounds, I almost felt bored playing games the other day and felt inspired to study. It feels wrong NOT to be studying or reading up some article trying to catch up with the latest news.
Well, that's it for today- it's a fairly long post but I think I covered most of what's happening in my life atm. Bye bye.
It's not that I'm bad at economizing- I guess in some people's eyes I do spend rather irresponsibly, but to me that's just understanding the fact that I don't have any bills to pay atm. I'm accumulating a lot fo debt, for sure, but that debt isn't going to be paid off by me working my Christmas casual job. What my casual job pays is the random shit I like indulging in, such as food, drink, electronics and books. Oh, and really expensive concert tickets. Trust me, I DO understand the idea of opportunity cost- I just don't agree with what other people think is ideal spending. My Mom always insists that I save my money so that I can go travel- and I do plan on travelling, just not any time soon. I don't think travelling is more important to me than having a new laptop. This laptop will last at least 1 year, but it's not like I can travel for an entire year with 1.5 grand. Or maybe I could if I suffered impoverished conditions- but yeah what I'm saying is I don't want to go on a one week holiday when I can buy a laptop I can use for a year.
My propensity to save is very, very low, I know. That's mostly because at the moment, I don't believe I'm saving substantial money. I make like... less than 20 bucks an hour? It's a pretty shit pay rate if you wanna save for anything other than the stuff I buy. Over like, 2 years of working I've only managed to save 3k. I know that if I spent none of it, I'd have closer to 6 or 7k- look, that sounds nice, but without that money I would've missed out on a lot of time with my friends, a lot of books and definitely a lot of games. Those are all things I don't regret. I also went to that Jay Chou concert, and I don't think I'll get another chance to go again.
I think if there's ever a time to spend irresponsibly in my life, now is probably the time. I feel a little bad about spending but not that bad because ultimately I'm using my own money so it's fine. I guess you could say I'm making bad financial decisions, but in my mind the money I have now is too little to have any impact in the grand scheme of things. I mean when I graduate and start working I'm hoping to make at least double (per hour) what I make now- maybe THEN we'll talk about saving for a small apartment, a car and that kind of thing. Right now I'm pretty happy to just pay $70 for a shirt I like.
----------
Onto something else entirely- my friend came over one night and helped me set up my laptop- he also took some files off me. Then he went home and apparently his internet is disconnecting intermittently and he thinks he got a virus or something from my files. I feel kind of bad and kind of responsible and if his laptop needs repair I'll probably pay his repair fees. It's just that at the same time I don't feel like he ACTUALLY got a virus from me- like, I'm bad at IT and I don't actually know anything about anything but that's basically how I feel? It's probs because both my old and new laptops are fine and they've both loaded the same files. Yeah yeah I know that's not how viruses work and maybe my laptops just didn't get infected for some reason but his did, but still.
Good thing I'm working, eh? At least I have the money to cover should anything bad occur. When I went back to work everything felt pretty much the same. Deja vu all over the place, like I'd never even left. I guess that's the good thing about working the same Christmas job in same place year after year. People come, people go but everything's still the same. I believe at this point I'm actually close to being the most senior member of the store- and it feels bad because there is still so much I can't do because I'm away at school for most of the year.
Crazy as it sounds, I almost felt bored playing games the other day and felt inspired to study. It feels wrong NOT to be studying or reading up some article trying to catch up with the latest news.
Well, that's it for today- it's a fairly long post but I think I covered most of what's happening in my life atm. Bye bye.
Sunday, 23 November 2014
The New Laptop
So I shelved out a fortune (not really a fortune, but I'm kind broke) for a new laptop, and I unpacked it yesterday. It's mostly ok except the screen REALLY hurts my eyes and I don't know why. Even with the brightness settings on low I still think it's kind of painful. I tried to change the resolution because I thought I just wasn't used to it- didn't help either. I kinda get the feeling that I can zoom into something on the screen but my peripheral vision is just a circle of blurriness.
Anyway I guess I'm happy enough with it, but I don't know how well I will utilize this thing. I've played games on it already- it runs amazingly fast for everything ever and so if it breaks I will be uber sad. I haven't really decided what games I'm going to play yet- I haven't played games in so long I think I'm just bad at everything now- and there's nothing that's really fun out there atm. I might try playing dota 2 but for some reason I can't connect to steam atm.
I start working again on Tuesday- which is like, day after tomorrow. It really sucks how I have to work again but then again I'm glad because I need some money to pay off this laptop. This is gonna be another one of those shitty holidays where I work all day, come home play games, then feel exhausted anyway because I worked all day, and then when school starts I'm gonna wish I had studied instead.
Anyway I guess I'm happy enough with it, but I don't know how well I will utilize this thing. I've played games on it already- it runs amazingly fast for everything ever and so if it breaks I will be uber sad. I haven't really decided what games I'm going to play yet- I haven't played games in so long I think I'm just bad at everything now- and there's nothing that's really fun out there atm. I might try playing dota 2 but for some reason I can't connect to steam atm.
I start working again on Tuesday- which is like, day after tomorrow. It really sucks how I have to work again but then again I'm glad because I need some money to pay off this laptop. This is gonna be another one of those shitty holidays where I work all day, come home play games, then feel exhausted anyway because I worked all day, and then when school starts I'm gonna wish I had studied instead.
Friday, 21 November 2014
Post Exam Celebrations
While I had my last exam yesterday, today I had to go to this last assessment thing where I didn't actually have to do any work, but attendance was compulsory. Anyway the thing ran waaaay over time and I got so bored of sitting there. I made the mistake of not using the bathroom during the short intermission that we had, and because of that I was busting to go for the 2nd half of the event.
So last night I went to the end of exam party for our cohort- there were heaps of people and food was provided, I bought some drinks and thought I'd try to mix. I mixed well enough while the alcohol's effects lasted- I was loud and obnoxious (more so than my usual self) and I laughed with everyone even though I had no idea what the joke was- everything just seemed so funny.
For some reason though I stilled remembered to not drink more than 1 standard drink per hour- probably because I spend so much time studying the effects of alcohol- and while I tried to wait my hour out I actually sobered up. I felt that all my energy was drained in a single moment and I crashed down on a couch next to a girl who was playing with her phone.
I tried talking to the girl and she was pretty nice, then soon into the conversation she brought up the fact that she had a boyfriend and it was some guy that I knew. I understood then that she thought I was trying to hit on her. Whoops. I didn't know how to correct the misunderstanding but I didn't want to just blurt out "actually I'm not trying to get with you", so I just kept going as if the fact that she mentioned her bf was just another piece of info.
Anyway it's not as awkward as it sounds, I think she felt pretty ok after I told her I liked Pokemon and I'd pre-ordered the new ruby remake. Speaking of that- I could be at the midnight launch like... right now. Oh well I'm not that nerdy.... I think
Now that I think about it- I've spent a fuckload of money this week. I've eaten out almost every single meal and the bills are adding up. I'd watch my spending but I'm working almost right off the bat and I don't think it's gonna get any easier, so....
Might as well spend a bit more and make myself happy. Happiness is hard to come by these days, after all.
So last night I went to the end of exam party for our cohort- there were heaps of people and food was provided, I bought some drinks and thought I'd try to mix. I mixed well enough while the alcohol's effects lasted- I was loud and obnoxious (more so than my usual self) and I laughed with everyone even though I had no idea what the joke was- everything just seemed so funny.
For some reason though I stilled remembered to not drink more than 1 standard drink per hour- probably because I spend so much time studying the effects of alcohol- and while I tried to wait my hour out I actually sobered up. I felt that all my energy was drained in a single moment and I crashed down on a couch next to a girl who was playing with her phone.
I tried talking to the girl and she was pretty nice, then soon into the conversation she brought up the fact that she had a boyfriend and it was some guy that I knew. I understood then that she thought I was trying to hit on her. Whoops. I didn't know how to correct the misunderstanding but I didn't want to just blurt out "actually I'm not trying to get with you", so I just kept going as if the fact that she mentioned her bf was just another piece of info.
Anyway it's not as awkward as it sounds, I think she felt pretty ok after I told her I liked Pokemon and I'd pre-ordered the new ruby remake. Speaking of that- I could be at the midnight launch like... right now. Oh well I'm not that nerdy.... I think
Now that I think about it- I've spent a fuckload of money this week. I've eaten out almost every single meal and the bills are adding up. I'd watch my spending but I'm working almost right off the bat and I don't think it's gonna get any easier, so....
Might as well spend a bit more and make myself happy. Happiness is hard to come by these days, after all.
Tuesday, 18 November 2014
The Kind of People I Hate
I don't like hounding people about things, because I know I fucking hate being hounded. If I need something from someone I'll tell them once, then remind them a while later. I generally trust people to be responsible.
BUT FUCKERS WHO SAY THEY'LL DO SOMETHING, BUT DOESN'T ACTUALLY- well, that's actually pretty common- BUT THEN THEY TURN AROUND AND PRETEND IT'S YOUR FAULT, I HOPE YOU TRIP AND FALL AND BREAK YOUR LEG WHILE LANDING IN THE PILE OF SHIT YOU JUST TRIED TO THROW AT ME.
And those are the kinds of people I hate. Lesson of today: be more cynical, don't trust people, if you actually need someone to do something don't let them forget about it until it's done.
BUT FUCKERS WHO SAY THEY'LL DO SOMETHING, BUT DOESN'T ACTUALLY- well, that's actually pretty common- BUT THEN THEY TURN AROUND AND PRETEND IT'S YOUR FAULT, I HOPE YOU TRIP AND FALL AND BREAK YOUR LEG WHILE LANDING IN THE PILE OF SHIT YOU JUST TRIED TO THROW AT ME.
And those are the kinds of people I hate. Lesson of today: be more cynical, don't trust people, if you actually need someone to do something don't let them forget about it until it's done.
Still in Test Week
I have my last exam tomorrow- ever since the pre-exam period I've slowly sank into insanity. I was ok for the first week, where I watched anime and movies, finished 30 Rock, played games and did other stuff. Then it was the last week before exams and I was feeling the stress a little, but I didn't really want to study or anything until like, the weekend before.
Anyway I crammed a lot of stuff, it was exhausting but on Monday morning I felt okay. Then exam was totally shit because I actually used up a full 3 hours (double-checking included, thankfully) to finish my papers. I thought my hand was going to fall off because my wrist ached so much. I even ran out of ink in my pen half-way through the paper. It was just one of those tests where I knew some stuff but not all the stuff, but I try to write something anyone, hoping to get pity marks.
Then 2 days later I had my practicals, which I think went okay over all but I certainly wasn't stellar. I practised quite a bit and I think I picked up a lot of stuff under stress. Maybe I got... 85% ish? Anyway it's good enough, but I felt so drained that afternoon. I went to the beach and went out for dinner with my room mate, and even though it kinda took time away from studying I think I needed something other than the thought of further exams.
So I had another practical exam before the week ended, and by then I felt that I had lost all orientation of time and place. I thought I had been in exam week forever and that nothing was ever going to change and I was stuck in a space where I rested some days but took exams on others. My practicals didn't go too well this time- I ran out of time and I think I was just sloppy in general.
Then Monday came again and I did miserably in my exam because I didn't actually want to revise over the weekend. I figured- hey, my paper is multiple choice, how bad can it be? Well as it turns out, if you don't even understand the question, then even a multiple choice gets pretty fucking hard.
Anyway I'm tired and agitated and I want to sleep forever sometimes but perform violent acts on certain subjects at other times. Tomorrow is my last exam (though technically I still have an assessment thing the day after) so wish me luck.
Anyway I crammed a lot of stuff, it was exhausting but on Monday morning I felt okay. Then exam was totally shit because I actually used up a full 3 hours (double-checking included, thankfully) to finish my papers. I thought my hand was going to fall off because my wrist ached so much. I even ran out of ink in my pen half-way through the paper. It was just one of those tests where I knew some stuff but not all the stuff, but I try to write something anyone, hoping to get pity marks.
Then 2 days later I had my practicals, which I think went okay over all but I certainly wasn't stellar. I practised quite a bit and I think I picked up a lot of stuff under stress. Maybe I got... 85% ish? Anyway it's good enough, but I felt so drained that afternoon. I went to the beach and went out for dinner with my room mate, and even though it kinda took time away from studying I think I needed something other than the thought of further exams.
So I had another practical exam before the week ended, and by then I felt that I had lost all orientation of time and place. I thought I had been in exam week forever and that nothing was ever going to change and I was stuck in a space where I rested some days but took exams on others. My practicals didn't go too well this time- I ran out of time and I think I was just sloppy in general.
Then Monday came again and I did miserably in my exam because I didn't actually want to revise over the weekend. I figured- hey, my paper is multiple choice, how bad can it be? Well as it turns out, if you don't even understand the question, then even a multiple choice gets pretty fucking hard.
Anyway I'm tired and agitated and I want to sleep forever sometimes but perform violent acts on certain subjects at other times. Tomorrow is my last exam (though technically I still have an assessment thing the day after) so wish me luck.
Thursday, 6 November 2014
I want to go out
I don't know if it's the attempt at studying that's driving me mad or whether it's something else, but over the past few days I've had these impulses to go to the beach or go to the countryside. As much of a shit-hole as the current city I reside in is, it is still a city, with traffic and noise and busy people. I feel like I just need to get away for a while.
All my life I've planned on working in an air-conditioned office, swirling in an expensive office-chair and making a minimum of 6 figures per annum. I've set myself up for that kind of white-collar stereotype- I've noticed that I'm beginning to look it. My skin is getting really pale because I haven't been in the Sun for longer than 2 hours a week, I have no muscle bulk because I do no physical exercise, and I'm sweating just to carry 5kg of groceries for 20 minutes. I think I'm going to need glasses if I stare at my computer screen or notes any longer... and then I'd have hit the epitome of hard-working-Asian-with-no-social-life.
It's a miracle that I'm not overweight- it really is. I eat so poorly it's stupid. I should know what the recommended nutritional values are, but I don't, because they keep changing and I just didn't bother remembering. I was cleaning up my room and found that my bin was stuffed full with empty cans of soft-drink: God knows how many of those I've been drinking. It's because they keep me awake at night- I know I should be aiming to sleep early, but when you have an early tutorial the next morning and a lot of unfinished notes to write, it's far better to just soldier on. Sleep has never been a priority in my life- and I can't deny that it makes me burn out a lot quicker.
Right now it's not so much about burning out though. I don't really feel "burnt" at all. Unlike other semesters where I feel like I'm stretched thin, about the snap at any time- this round I feel more... lost? I don't really feel that stressed, but then I feel stressed about not feeling stressed, because stress is my biggest motivator. I can't properly explain it- I don't wake up in the morning feeling lethargic, but I arrive there by the end of the day, despite doing nothing at all.
I think some fresh air and a change of scenery will do me some good. I'd like to go travelling with a friend at the end of the year- just bring a small suitcase, my wallet, hop on a train and go where-ever, but my boss from work just called asking me if I can work this Christmas. I felt really tempted to decline this year, because my holidays are substantially shorter, but whoaaaa not after I blew my savings on a gaming laptop, holy fuck. I was saving up for a car, and if I do work this holidays then I should finally have the money.
Alright, I should get back to reading about the "theories of depression". Goddamn studying is like getting fucked in the ass, there's nothing you can do but bite the pillow and take it. Nevertheless, 16 days til freedom. I can do it.
All my life I've planned on working in an air-conditioned office, swirling in an expensive office-chair and making a minimum of 6 figures per annum. I've set myself up for that kind of white-collar stereotype- I've noticed that I'm beginning to look it. My skin is getting really pale because I haven't been in the Sun for longer than 2 hours a week, I have no muscle bulk because I do no physical exercise, and I'm sweating just to carry 5kg of groceries for 20 minutes. I think I'm going to need glasses if I stare at my computer screen or notes any longer... and then I'd have hit the epitome of hard-working-Asian-with-no-social-life.
It's a miracle that I'm not overweight- it really is. I eat so poorly it's stupid. I should know what the recommended nutritional values are, but I don't, because they keep changing and I just didn't bother remembering. I was cleaning up my room and found that my bin was stuffed full with empty cans of soft-drink: God knows how many of those I've been drinking. It's because they keep me awake at night- I know I should be aiming to sleep early, but when you have an early tutorial the next morning and a lot of unfinished notes to write, it's far better to just soldier on. Sleep has never been a priority in my life- and I can't deny that it makes me burn out a lot quicker.
Right now it's not so much about burning out though. I don't really feel "burnt" at all. Unlike other semesters where I feel like I'm stretched thin, about the snap at any time- this round I feel more... lost? I don't really feel that stressed, but then I feel stressed about not feeling stressed, because stress is my biggest motivator. I can't properly explain it- I don't wake up in the morning feeling lethargic, but I arrive there by the end of the day, despite doing nothing at all.
I think some fresh air and a change of scenery will do me some good. I'd like to go travelling with a friend at the end of the year- just bring a small suitcase, my wallet, hop on a train and go where-ever, but my boss from work just called asking me if I can work this Christmas. I felt really tempted to decline this year, because my holidays are substantially shorter, but whoaaaa not after I blew my savings on a gaming laptop, holy fuck. I was saving up for a car, and if I do work this holidays then I should finally have the money.
Alright, I should get back to reading about the "theories of depression". Goddamn studying is like getting fucked in the ass, there's nothing you can do but bite the pillow and take it. Nevertheless, 16 days til freedom. I can do it.
Sunday, 2 November 2014
Soraru; my kind of music
I wanted to introduce you guys to one of my favourite artists of all time, Soraru. I'm just... really in love with his voice. I don't actually know if he has any originals, but basically what I love about him is that he covers a lot of my favourite songs.
I'm a massive vocaloid fan, right, but not really for the synthetic sound they make. Sometimes I prefer the synthetic voice, but I feel like there's just more... depth? with a real person singing it.
You know what's ironic about the music I like- I'd probably classify 90% of the stuff I like in the "pop" genre- you know, short for "popular". But these days I can think of like... ONE person who likes the same music I like. That one person happens to be my house mate, and I'm really not sure whether she actually likes my kind of music or if she just got converted after putting up with me blasting my stuff 24/7.
I don't "get" people that shit on music or are embarrassed about the music they like. I was talking to this girl I just met about music I liked (we were having a decent conversation), and I was like "hrm... in terms of Western music, I recently found 5SOS and I REALLY like their stuff". Her expression changed immediately and her tone was just one of absolute disgust- she said something like, "what, are you a teenage girl? Do you also like One Direction?"
I don't know if being called a teenage girl is meant to be offensive... I mean, I guess teenage girls are seen as really dumb and melancholy... or something... but like, really, the music I listen to turned me into a teenage girl? Also One Direction sounds nothing like 5SOS. It's just that both groups contain these young men that teenage girls find really, really attractive. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It's like how I watched this REALLY shitty movie because I thought the actors were hot (I think it was called Red Riding Hood...?) Anyway then I answered the girl honestly and said that One Direction wasn't really my favourite thing out there, but I do like a few of their songs, and I wouldn't object to my friends playing it if we were in the car or something.
It reminds me of the Michael Jackson scandal a few years ago- when he was accused of molesting children or something? I didn't really care about that sort of stuff back then, so I don't know the details- but what I do know is that just because he can be a really terrible person doesn't mean all the music he produced just became really shit all of a sudden. Yet all of a sudden people were like "ew Michael Jackson? But he's a paedophile!" Like, alright, maybe you don't support him because you think he's a pedo, but that doesn't make the music itself any worse, yeah?
This is also why I get really mad when people criticise Justin Bieber's music- not because I'm a fan of him in particular, but I feel like people are shitting on him because he's popular with young girls and he looks like your stereotypical teenage douchebag. That in itself though shouldn't warrant comments like "I hope he dies of cancer" or w/e the fuck. Like, this is just a kid who had a lot of success through singing, and maybe you don't like his stuff but that's no reason to attack his person. And you can't justify that his music is shit because you think he looks like a lesbian! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU TELL WHAT A LESBIAN LOOKS LIKE, ANYWAY. GODDAMN.
Sorry, social justice side of me is flaring up tonight. I just want people to be more... rational, I guess. Like, I say "I don't like Bieber's lyrics, I think they're kind of bland," and that's a way better excuse to not listen to him than "his haircut makes him look gay".
Anyway these days I'm really struggling to find people with similar interests as me. It's waaaay harder than you think. I go to anime clubs and it'd turn out that we like different kinds of anime. I talk to my friend cos I thought we liked the same stuff and it turns out nope we just like that ONE song, everything else is different. Literally right now all I want is for someone to like EXACTLY the sort of stuff I like, and we can appreciate the same thing together.
I'm a massive vocaloid fan, right, but not really for the synthetic sound they make. Sometimes I prefer the synthetic voice, but I feel like there's just more... depth? with a real person singing it.
You know what's ironic about the music I like- I'd probably classify 90% of the stuff I like in the "pop" genre- you know, short for "popular". But these days I can think of like... ONE person who likes the same music I like. That one person happens to be my house mate, and I'm really not sure whether she actually likes my kind of music or if she just got converted after putting up with me blasting my stuff 24/7.
I don't "get" people that shit on music or are embarrassed about the music they like. I was talking to this girl I just met about music I liked (we were having a decent conversation), and I was like "hrm... in terms of Western music, I recently found 5SOS and I REALLY like their stuff". Her expression changed immediately and her tone was just one of absolute disgust- she said something like, "what, are you a teenage girl? Do you also like One Direction?"
I don't know if being called a teenage girl is meant to be offensive... I mean, I guess teenage girls are seen as really dumb and melancholy... or something... but like, really, the music I listen to turned me into a teenage girl? Also One Direction sounds nothing like 5SOS. It's just that both groups contain these young men that teenage girls find really, really attractive. AND THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT. It's like how I watched this REALLY shitty movie because I thought the actors were hot (I think it was called Red Riding Hood...?) Anyway then I answered the girl honestly and said that One Direction wasn't really my favourite thing out there, but I do like a few of their songs, and I wouldn't object to my friends playing it if we were in the car or something.
It reminds me of the Michael Jackson scandal a few years ago- when he was accused of molesting children or something? I didn't really care about that sort of stuff back then, so I don't know the details- but what I do know is that just because he can be a really terrible person doesn't mean all the music he produced just became really shit all of a sudden. Yet all of a sudden people were like "ew Michael Jackson? But he's a paedophile!" Like, alright, maybe you don't support him because you think he's a pedo, but that doesn't make the music itself any worse, yeah?
This is also why I get really mad when people criticise Justin Bieber's music- not because I'm a fan of him in particular, but I feel like people are shitting on him because he's popular with young girls and he looks like your stereotypical teenage douchebag. That in itself though shouldn't warrant comments like "I hope he dies of cancer" or w/e the fuck. Like, this is just a kid who had a lot of success through singing, and maybe you don't like his stuff but that's no reason to attack his person. And you can't justify that his music is shit because you think he looks like a lesbian! HOW THE FUCK DO YOU TELL WHAT A LESBIAN LOOKS LIKE, ANYWAY. GODDAMN.
Sorry, social justice side of me is flaring up tonight. I just want people to be more... rational, I guess. Like, I say "I don't like Bieber's lyrics, I think they're kind of bland," and that's a way better excuse to not listen to him than "his haircut makes him look gay".
Anyway these days I'm really struggling to find people with similar interests as me. It's waaaay harder than you think. I go to anime clubs and it'd turn out that we like different kinds of anime. I talk to my friend cos I thought we liked the same stuff and it turns out nope we just like that ONE song, everything else is different. Literally right now all I want is for someone to like EXACTLY the sort of stuff I like, and we can appreciate the same thing together.
Saturday, 1 November 2014
Letter to my past
-This idea is NOT original by any means, I just thought it was really cool and I wanted to write one.
To my one year old self: whatever I tell you now, it's not like you'll remember because your brain is underdeveloped.
To my two year old self: I don't even remember anything about you so we'll skip this too... and maybe three and four.
To my five year old self: it's not the end of the world that you don't understand subtraction.
To my six year old self: go run around with your friends. Keep climbing that really tall 2m gate. Don't stay home and read/draw because all the adults prefer you to be quiet. Don't worry about the old lady who screams and yells every time she catches you climbing. You can probably out-run her.
To my seven year old self: it's hard to write a story with 50 characters. The teacher doesn't understand how pitiful your vocab is. Don't mind her though, she's really mean. You knew yourself that she was a complete bitch when she forced you to stand for an hour because you forgot your homework. You know that you did your homework, but she wouldn't let you go home and grab it because "then you could just rush your homework in the time you were gone".
Good job on not letting Mum take you to dancing lessons. Those STILL sound gay as hell. But please sharpen your pencils- trying to "save" is not a virtue in our capitalist society. Mum WILL buy you a new pencil if you complain enough. If you don't sharpen your pencil Mum's gonna send you to calligraphy classes to fix your handwriting, when really it's your pencil that needed sharpening. Also, don't throw a tantrum when she wants you to take piano lessons- I know you thought that piano lessons meant sitting in a class with 40 other people (like school), and that frightened the shit out of your fucked up introverted self, but it's actually ok. Piano is cool.
To my eight year old self: I know that one time you got 83 for your maths homework was devastating (B grade, oh no) but it's really ok. You never got below 95 for any exam. Yeah I know you missed out on your grade award because you got a C in physical education- but did you realize nobody else was disappointed and nobody gave a shit? Stop trying to be such a good student, stop trying to please the teachers you actually really, really hate. Their praise isn't worth it. Go out and run around more, really. It'd help with your physical education class if you could actually catch any of the kids in tag.
To my nine year old self: don't bother making friends- you won't keep them for long. It's lonely as fuck, I know. It's ok, you learn incredibly quickly, because you're actually some kind of a genius, ya know? You're going to embarrass yourself, and people are going to make fun of you WITHOUT you embarrassing yourself. Don't worry about them, because last thing I heard about the kid who made fun of you- he went to court and ended up in gaol. Yeeeah.
Also your neighbour's kids are assholes- you don't need their approval. The kid who throws temper tantrums is probably the most tolerable one of them all, in the end.
To my ten year old self: enjoy the best year in your life, for many years to come.
To my eleven year old self: you've lost all the friends you had in the previous year. Three of them graduated and the other one is now too cool to hang out with you. You're going to spend a looooot of time playing catch with your friend's little brother or sitting in the shade playing clapping games with the girls. Life is stale, but I hope you appreciate those people around you.
To my twelve year old self: there's literally nothing to worry about- don't stress even though your parents are stressing the fuck out of you by telling you, "it's ok if you don't make it". It's that look in their eyes that totally betrays them, and you know they bet their entire life on your success. That school you're desperately trying to get into- it wasn't even that fucking great. No, don't join their shitty band- it doesn't even compare.
To my thirteen year old self: see, I told you you'd make it. Yeah, it totally sucks that you have no idea how to do assignment or w/e- don't worry about it, really. English is your favourite class, despite what people say, Embrace it. Also, that guy who's your best friend- it's not going to stay that way for long. Stop being so clingy, he needs space to socialize with other people, too. You should go hang out with other people, as well.
Also yeah your French teacher is terrible, I know. It's alright, you have very little interest in learning French, after all.
To my fourteen year old self: I know your best friend has left you to be best friends with someone else- don't bother saving that train wreck of a friendship. You'll still talk to him after- but he's not the biggest part of your life, you know. He's failing class, he can't finish his assignments, and he wants someone who fails classes with him, not someone who tries to salvage everything like you. It's alright, get over it.
I know I told you to quit the stupid band- but you didn't because I can't change the past. Actually, it good that you didn't because band camp was the best camp. In terms of school... yeah don't worry about your English teacher. He knows what he's talking about but he doesn't know how to teach. He kind of just shits on your essay without telling you HOW to write an essay. Not cool, I know. Also your sociology teacher IS completely terrible despite being "fun", so don't bother arguing with her about your grades. Grades aren't a thing, ok? You scored top marks in the only assessment item- and she tells you you're on a B because you lacked in "class participation". If that's not some next lv bullshit then idk what is. I know it irks you when your straight A's are ruined... but it's alright.
To my fifteen year old self: see, you have other friends now. You're doing the courses you want and yeah it's really fun. English is still your favourite class despite having it ruined by the teacher. Never mind. School is actually a fun kind of place, isn't it?
You hate your Dad? Don't worry, I did too. I still do. The good news is, in the future, it's all going to go away. You only have to see him 3 times a year, for short periods of time.
To my sixteen year old self: that person who hangs around you all the time- yeah, yeah they like you. They're the only person who put up with all your flaws, all at once, you know. Yeah, I know you don't like them back, but it's alright. Just be kind. It's rare to find someone who is so accepting of who you are, though. You're probably still stressed because you want straight A's on your report again, and you're learning to write in-class essays, right? Did you know that in the future, you'd trade all your high school grades just so you could go back in time, and apologize to them for being such a dick?
You got 100% on that final maths test, for what it's worth. You beat that girl that everyone was talking about. You enjoy the attention, the looks of admiration on their faces. And you know what, in a few years you'd remember, and you'd trade it all away in a heartbeat, just for a chance to say, "I'm so sorry."
To my seventeen year old self: life sucks, I know. Don't worry, you didn't become terrible at maths all of a sudden. You just need to do your maths homework every single night now. It's painful, but it's manageable. Don't study Chinese at school- it's a painful class- learn some Japanese or Korean instead- it's not like you cared if you failed. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you're good at, in school. Please don't give up on organic chem- also, go to that after-school chemistry class that all your friends are doing- it'd help with your grades a lot more than taking two courses of maths. You have to study more, but the friends are worth it.
To my eighteen year old self: are you coping with your depression? Blogging is a viable strategy, you know. I'm still blogging, right now. Your life is filled with wonderful- truly wonderful people. You are so lucky to have met who you have met. I know life wears you down- don't come home after school. Go do your work at a public library, or just find a table anywhere. That "home" will drive you insane.
Don't try faking your uni interviews at the end of the year. Just be who you are- the one where you stopped trying to cover is the one where it actually worked out.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to the end of year formal. You always knew it was a terrible idea, so don't do it. Doesn't matter if your best friend begs, doesn't matter if everyone says it's going to be fun. You will NOT regret not attending, but you will if you do. Don't go. Apologize later, but don't go.
To my nineteen year old self: see, life did get better. You'll be totally okay with living on your own, you know. You're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for, and you adapt surprisingly well. I know you didn't really end up where you wanted, you lost your friends all over again for the nth time, but it's better than "home", right? We all make sacrifices in life, and deep down you know that one was worth it. Accept the consequences of your choices- you know you chose it in the end, so bite down and struggle on.
I know you think LoL is salvation because the loneliness and isolation gnaws your bones- and yes, do the play the game, but man you fucking suck at it. All that time you invested into rhythm games and JRPGs doesn't translate well into LoL. Doesn't matter, play it so you can spend time with your friends, don't play it to "improve", because that's stupid as hell and it's not your life's ambition. The reason your friends care about the game so much is because it's the only thing they're good at- they're too used to failing all the things that are held valuable by society (ability to socialize, good grades, good jobs), so they want to show off how good they are at LoL. You're not like them- you're one of those "elite" figures who made it through all the hurdles of societal expectation. Don't let anyone rip away your values.
You're a lot better at studying than you are at playing LoL, so when you sort out your loneliness crisis, go back to your books. Learn something, give it your best shot.
To myself, now: there are all these things you (and I) know that you should do, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Doesn't matter, move on. Remember all those times you fucked up in the past, so you can remember to be kind in the future. Be honest about your desires- there's nothing to be ashamed of. Forget your pride once in a while, but never surrender it. Take all the enjoyment you can out of this unsatisfactory life of yours, and maybe we can hope for better.
To my one year old self: whatever I tell you now, it's not like you'll remember because your brain is underdeveloped.
To my two year old self: I don't even remember anything about you so we'll skip this too... and maybe three and four.
To my five year old self: it's not the end of the world that you don't understand subtraction.
To my six year old self: go run around with your friends. Keep climbing that really tall 2m gate. Don't stay home and read/draw because all the adults prefer you to be quiet. Don't worry about the old lady who screams and yells every time she catches you climbing. You can probably out-run her.
To my seven year old self: it's hard to write a story with 50 characters. The teacher doesn't understand how pitiful your vocab is. Don't mind her though, she's really mean. You knew yourself that she was a complete bitch when she forced you to stand for an hour because you forgot your homework. You know that you did your homework, but she wouldn't let you go home and grab it because "then you could just rush your homework in the time you were gone".
Good job on not letting Mum take you to dancing lessons. Those STILL sound gay as hell. But please sharpen your pencils- trying to "save" is not a virtue in our capitalist society. Mum WILL buy you a new pencil if you complain enough. If you don't sharpen your pencil Mum's gonna send you to calligraphy classes to fix your handwriting, when really it's your pencil that needed sharpening. Also, don't throw a tantrum when she wants you to take piano lessons- I know you thought that piano lessons meant sitting in a class with 40 other people (like school), and that frightened the shit out of your fucked up introverted self, but it's actually ok. Piano is cool.
To my eight year old self: I know that one time you got 83 for your maths homework was devastating (B grade, oh no) but it's really ok. You never got below 95 for any exam. Yeah I know you missed out on your grade award because you got a C in physical education- but did you realize nobody else was disappointed and nobody gave a shit? Stop trying to be such a good student, stop trying to please the teachers you actually really, really hate. Their praise isn't worth it. Go out and run around more, really. It'd help with your physical education class if you could actually catch any of the kids in tag.
To my nine year old self: don't bother making friends- you won't keep them for long. It's lonely as fuck, I know. It's ok, you learn incredibly quickly, because you're actually some kind of a genius, ya know? You're going to embarrass yourself, and people are going to make fun of you WITHOUT you embarrassing yourself. Don't worry about them, because last thing I heard about the kid who made fun of you- he went to court and ended up in gaol. Yeeeah.
Also your neighbour's kids are assholes- you don't need their approval. The kid who throws temper tantrums is probably the most tolerable one of them all, in the end.
To my ten year old self: enjoy the best year in your life, for many years to come.
To my eleven year old self: you've lost all the friends you had in the previous year. Three of them graduated and the other one is now too cool to hang out with you. You're going to spend a looooot of time playing catch with your friend's little brother or sitting in the shade playing clapping games with the girls. Life is stale, but I hope you appreciate those people around you.
To my twelve year old self: there's literally nothing to worry about- don't stress even though your parents are stressing the fuck out of you by telling you, "it's ok if you don't make it". It's that look in their eyes that totally betrays them, and you know they bet their entire life on your success. That school you're desperately trying to get into- it wasn't even that fucking great. No, don't join their shitty band- it doesn't even compare.
To my thirteen year old self: see, I told you you'd make it. Yeah, it totally sucks that you have no idea how to do assignment or w/e- don't worry about it, really. English is your favourite class, despite what people say, Embrace it. Also, that guy who's your best friend- it's not going to stay that way for long. Stop being so clingy, he needs space to socialize with other people, too. You should go hang out with other people, as well.
Also yeah your French teacher is terrible, I know. It's alright, you have very little interest in learning French, after all.
To my fourteen year old self: I know your best friend has left you to be best friends with someone else- don't bother saving that train wreck of a friendship. You'll still talk to him after- but he's not the biggest part of your life, you know. He's failing class, he can't finish his assignments, and he wants someone who fails classes with him, not someone who tries to salvage everything like you. It's alright, get over it.
I know I told you to quit the stupid band- but you didn't because I can't change the past. Actually, it good that you didn't because band camp was the best camp. In terms of school... yeah don't worry about your English teacher. He knows what he's talking about but he doesn't know how to teach. He kind of just shits on your essay without telling you HOW to write an essay. Not cool, I know. Also your sociology teacher IS completely terrible despite being "fun", so don't bother arguing with her about your grades. Grades aren't a thing, ok? You scored top marks in the only assessment item- and she tells you you're on a B because you lacked in "class participation". If that's not some next lv bullshit then idk what is. I know it irks you when your straight A's are ruined... but it's alright.
To my fifteen year old self: see, you have other friends now. You're doing the courses you want and yeah it's really fun. English is still your favourite class despite having it ruined by the teacher. Never mind. School is actually a fun kind of place, isn't it?
You hate your Dad? Don't worry, I did too. I still do. The good news is, in the future, it's all going to go away. You only have to see him 3 times a year, for short periods of time.
To my sixteen year old self: that person who hangs around you all the time- yeah, yeah they like you. They're the only person who put up with all your flaws, all at once, you know. Yeah, I know you don't like them back, but it's alright. Just be kind. It's rare to find someone who is so accepting of who you are, though. You're probably still stressed because you want straight A's on your report again, and you're learning to write in-class essays, right? Did you know that in the future, you'd trade all your high school grades just so you could go back in time, and apologize to them for being such a dick?
You got 100% on that final maths test, for what it's worth. You beat that girl that everyone was talking about. You enjoy the attention, the looks of admiration on their faces. And you know what, in a few years you'd remember, and you'd trade it all away in a heartbeat, just for a chance to say, "I'm so sorry."
To my seventeen year old self: life sucks, I know. Don't worry, you didn't become terrible at maths all of a sudden. You just need to do your maths homework every single night now. It's painful, but it's manageable. Don't study Chinese at school- it's a painful class- learn some Japanese or Korean instead- it's not like you cared if you failed. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you're good at, in school. Please don't give up on organic chem- also, go to that after-school chemistry class that all your friends are doing- it'd help with your grades a lot more than taking two courses of maths. You have to study more, but the friends are worth it.
To my eighteen year old self: are you coping with your depression? Blogging is a viable strategy, you know. I'm still blogging, right now. Your life is filled with wonderful- truly wonderful people. You are so lucky to have met who you have met. I know life wears you down- don't come home after school. Go do your work at a public library, or just find a table anywhere. That "home" will drive you insane.
Don't try faking your uni interviews at the end of the year. Just be who you are- the one where you stopped trying to cover is the one where it actually worked out.
Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to the end of year formal. You always knew it was a terrible idea, so don't do it. Doesn't matter if your best friend begs, doesn't matter if everyone says it's going to be fun. You will NOT regret not attending, but you will if you do. Don't go. Apologize later, but don't go.
To my nineteen year old self: see, life did get better. You'll be totally okay with living on your own, you know. You're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for, and you adapt surprisingly well. I know you didn't really end up where you wanted, you lost your friends all over again for the nth time, but it's better than "home", right? We all make sacrifices in life, and deep down you know that one was worth it. Accept the consequences of your choices- you know you chose it in the end, so bite down and struggle on.
I know you think LoL is salvation because the loneliness and isolation gnaws your bones- and yes, do the play the game, but man you fucking suck at it. All that time you invested into rhythm games and JRPGs doesn't translate well into LoL. Doesn't matter, play it so you can spend time with your friends, don't play it to "improve", because that's stupid as hell and it's not your life's ambition. The reason your friends care about the game so much is because it's the only thing they're good at- they're too used to failing all the things that are held valuable by society (ability to socialize, good grades, good jobs), so they want to show off how good they are at LoL. You're not like them- you're one of those "elite" figures who made it through all the hurdles of societal expectation. Don't let anyone rip away your values.
You're a lot better at studying than you are at playing LoL, so when you sort out your loneliness crisis, go back to your books. Learn something, give it your best shot.
To myself, now: there are all these things you (and I) know that you should do, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Doesn't matter, move on. Remember all those times you fucked up in the past, so you can remember to be kind in the future. Be honest about your desires- there's nothing to be ashamed of. Forget your pride once in a while, but never surrender it. Take all the enjoyment you can out of this unsatisfactory life of yours, and maybe we can hope for better.
Thursday, 30 October 2014
Lifespan
This happened a bit less than two years ago- a month or two before I first started uni. We met at an electronics store. When I first saw him, I thought he looked really cool. Hard to describe exactly how, really. So I asked my friend, who worked there at the time, whether he knew anything about "that one, over there". My friend actually did, and so I went up to "him". I saw "him" again about a week later- we were together after that.
When I went up north for uni- he came with me. I wasn't exactly scared of going to a new city- what with me hating my parents at the time, freedom was a welcome change. Still I lost just about all of my friends, all at once, but he was there with me and it made things ok. We spent a lot of time together each day, and I never got sick of him even though we lived together and all that. He was basically just really entertaining and really fun.
Then there was this period where I became really depressed and everything- but I met some friends through him and it made everything alright. We ended up playing a LOT of League of Legends- a game I didn't particularly like, but spent a lot of time playing regardless, because I was half addicted and half desperate for company. Anyway gaming sorta made all my problems go away, and life carried on. Often times I would seriously neglect my work because I wasted too much time, and as a consequence I'd have to work til 3am to finish stuff. He never complained- he just stayed up with me. I successfully finished my first year, thanks to him.
Over my Christmas holidays- he went back south with me, of course- I noticed something wasn't quite right. The gaming aspect of our relationship just didn't work out like it used to. It didn't seem too big of a deal at that time- I was working a lot over the Christmas break, and I hung out heaps with my friends who I hadn't seen for a year. I really hadn't noticed that he'd changed.
Then uni started again, and we had it rough for a while. We moved into a new place, so it'd be more convenient for me to get to uni. The new place was kinda shit in a lot of ways- so many things were wrong and I've pretty much said them all throughout my posts this year- but the biggest problem was that we didn't have internet for like a month. Anyway it was hell, he acted differently to before but I thought it was just the whole moving and dealing with a new environment kind of thing.
I finally noticed that something wasn't right a few months later. This year had been a far busier year and because I almost failed first year I was determined not to do the same- so I basically cut down on my gaming. Then when we played together it just wasn't the same as before. That's when I noticed that he was just... a lot less responsive to everything, in general. I'm ashamed that I didn't notice sooner.
Anyway I talked to some friends and they suggested various methods. I even went on the internet for advice on what I could do. After trying various things, I realized the problem might be bigger than I had imagined, and it was beyond what I could handle. Naturally I took him to get checked out, but what I got was basically that he needed specialist treatment and the operation cost was way more than I could afford. It was absolutely devastating.
The second semester started and I had to dive back into work. He was still there for me, but I could tell that he was strained. We still did things that we used to do, but now it took so much more effort sometimes it just wasn't worth it. We even stopped playing games together- even though it's one of my favourite activities. We spent just as much time together still... but it was really just me sitting there writing notes, and he'd kindly help find the information I need. It's sweet... and totally heartbreaking, as I noticed that it took him longer and longer each time.
Instead of the operation I couldn't afford, he got this apparatus which was meant to help with his condition. For a while he improved, and I thought everything would be alright again- that we could go back to the way things were before. Sure, he'd need the stupid thing with him at all times, but at least he'd be okay. Except it wasn't okay.
Despite the initial improvement... he began to decline again. This time, the decline was faster and more aggressive. Do you know how horrifying it is, to watch him gradually lose each of his functions? Knowing that the next day would only be worse, that nothing was reversible, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. His temperature was stupidly high, he stuttered in speech and sometimes would just freeze- as if time itself had stopped. I became so frustrated... it wasn't fair that this had to happen to him.
I cannot properly convey the full extent of my grief; but that grief is the grief of being a passive bystander while you lost, bit by bit, something you cherish dearly. I know that the end is near, and I know that there is nothing more I can do to prolong his life.
So goodbye, my love of a bit less than two years. Your replacement is on the way and I expect to meet him when my exams are over. We had some good times together, but not being able to play games is a really big deal for me- I just can't handle dealing with all this shit each day until the day where you actually die.
And fuck me sideways if I buy a HP laptop ever again.
----------------------------------------------------
For those of you that are a bit slow and still didn't get it- I just wrote a sob story by personifying my laptop. Yeah, I'm an over-the-top drama king, but this is literally the biggest thing going on in my life these days. Why is my laptop a "he"? Well... wtf is a female laptop, anyway? Do those things exist?
No actual person in my life is dying. Calm your farm. Though it would've been far more interesting if I just cut off the post at "...there is nothing more I can do to prolong his life". I wonder how you guys would've reacted. Though if you know me IRL I guess you'd be like, "pfffft, you didn't have anyone with you, the closest you ever came to a relationship was sobbing over that year 12 crush of yours".
Tuesday, 28 October 2014
When Things Are Okay
I had a really excellent day yesterday- I met up with friends for breakfast, where something like 20 dollars got me the largest meal I've ever fucking had. It tasted pretty good, too. There was bread, sausages, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomato and a hash brown to top it off. Naturally I didn't eat anything afterwards for the entire day.
I went to the school library to "study" afterwards. Actually it was more like I went to school, hung out with friends for an hour, then trudged to the library. Man is the library a miserable place. I sat alone in this cubicle, and played Brave Frontier for like an hour or two before I started working. I captured the hardest boss in the game, for what it's worth.
Anyway I actually started working- I basically found the thinnest book on the topic I wanted to know about, and was heavily disappointed when the thinnest book was still insanely complicated and thoroughly boring. I got through the couple of pages I needed to get through, felt none the wiser, and left the library because I was sick of reading.
Then I chatted with a friend for a while before the board games club started. Yeah, I'm still into that. Has my opinion changed of the people there? Yeah, I'd say so... sorta. I am 100% convinced that at least 1 guy has Asperger's and another has some other learning difficulty. Then I was playing a board game and someone rage quit cos he was winning then I made this move to the detriment of both of us (I was losing the game really, really badly)... and I felt kinda bad afterwards because I didn't think he'd take it so seriously. I mean it's a dog move but it's in a game and that's what you do in games... right? Then I ended up winning the game because basically people let me win. I think the "new kid effect" is still on, where everyone is nice to me. It's good but I think you only become friends once you get past that superficial lv of niceness.
Not that I haven't made friends there- otherwise I wouldn't keep going back. I really enjoy spending time there- it's a good way to relax on a Monday night, given that I usually crash through the day on 3 hours of sleep, go through a 3 hour tutorial then another 2 hours of clinicals. Socializing is good for my health... I think. Now I just need to start going to the gym, gain some muscle, eat healthy, study more, do charity work, get a job and I'll be the ideal person that everyone looks up towards, right?
Hah, let's just start with having fun once in a while and not-failing my exams.
I went to the school library to "study" afterwards. Actually it was more like I went to school, hung out with friends for an hour, then trudged to the library. Man is the library a miserable place. I sat alone in this cubicle, and played Brave Frontier for like an hour or two before I started working. I captured the hardest boss in the game, for what it's worth.
Anyway I actually started working- I basically found the thinnest book on the topic I wanted to know about, and was heavily disappointed when the thinnest book was still insanely complicated and thoroughly boring. I got through the couple of pages I needed to get through, felt none the wiser, and left the library because I was sick of reading.
Then I chatted with a friend for a while before the board games club started. Yeah, I'm still into that. Has my opinion changed of the people there? Yeah, I'd say so... sorta. I am 100% convinced that at least 1 guy has Asperger's and another has some other learning difficulty. Then I was playing a board game and someone rage quit cos he was winning then I made this move to the detriment of both of us (I was losing the game really, really badly)... and I felt kinda bad afterwards because I didn't think he'd take it so seriously. I mean it's a dog move but it's in a game and that's what you do in games... right? Then I ended up winning the game because basically people let me win. I think the "new kid effect" is still on, where everyone is nice to me. It's good but I think you only become friends once you get past that superficial lv of niceness.
Not that I haven't made friends there- otherwise I wouldn't keep going back. I really enjoy spending time there- it's a good way to relax on a Monday night, given that I usually crash through the day on 3 hours of sleep, go through a 3 hour tutorial then another 2 hours of clinicals. Socializing is good for my health... I think. Now I just need to start going to the gym, gain some muscle, eat healthy, study more, do charity work, get a job and I'll be the ideal person that everyone looks up towards, right?
Hah, let's just start with having fun once in a while and not-failing my exams.
Sunday, 26 October 2014
Living is Compromise
Have I used this title before? It feels like I have. It's something I think about more than I want to. I read Pride and Prejudice again, and this time I thought to myself, "this ending is pure fantasy". I don't think people like Mr. Darcy exist- I don't think there is really anyone who'd give up class differences so easily and propose to someone twice. And if they did, I don't believe the ending would be a "happily ever after". I ranted about how the differences in your propensity to spend and propensity to save could totally ruin your relationship- so I think in the real world, Lizzy and Mr Darcy wouldn't have lasted very long.
I'm so cynical it's sad.
I think I read somewhere that Jane Austen wrote that scene with Mr Collins because some guy proposed to her, and that guy was the inspiration for Mr Collins. Unfortunately there was no real life Mr Darcy to save Austen after she declined his proposal- though I do admire that she had the courage to decline in the first place. I guess marriage isn't as big a deal now as it was in her age, but regardless it's like a social safety net. There's someone there who's obliged to catch you if you fall.
In real life though, I think it's more like... we try to catch someone but they fall too far and too fast and you're just grasping thin air. Or maybe you don't really want to catch the crumbling skeleton that is your relationship, so you just let it collide with the ground and watch it collapse to dust.
I'm a hopeless romanticist despite my cynical attributes- I'd always believed that when I met the right person, I'd know. But now I wonder, would I actually know? Would I talk to someone and think to myself, "ah, I've found you"? I think it's more likely that I'll find someone who's tolerable, who I enjoy being around sometimes, and then I think I kind of like them and they're probably a really great person so I'm like "okay I've done pretty well I'll settle". I don't really want to live my life like a card game though, where I calculate the probability of my next draw and fold for my current profits. I mean, I often win the card games I play, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not actually how I "win life".
I guess I'll just keep going regardless.
I'm so cynical it's sad.
I think I read somewhere that Jane Austen wrote that scene with Mr Collins because some guy proposed to her, and that guy was the inspiration for Mr Collins. Unfortunately there was no real life Mr Darcy to save Austen after she declined his proposal- though I do admire that she had the courage to decline in the first place. I guess marriage isn't as big a deal now as it was in her age, but regardless it's like a social safety net. There's someone there who's obliged to catch you if you fall.
In real life though, I think it's more like... we try to catch someone but they fall too far and too fast and you're just grasping thin air. Or maybe you don't really want to catch the crumbling skeleton that is your relationship, so you just let it collide with the ground and watch it collapse to dust.
I'm a hopeless romanticist despite my cynical attributes- I'd always believed that when I met the right person, I'd know. But now I wonder, would I actually know? Would I talk to someone and think to myself, "ah, I've found you"? I think it's more likely that I'll find someone who's tolerable, who I enjoy being around sometimes, and then I think I kind of like them and they're probably a really great person so I'm like "okay I've done pretty well I'll settle". I don't really want to live my life like a card game though, where I calculate the probability of my next draw and fold for my current profits. I mean, I often win the card games I play, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not actually how I "win life".
I guess I'll just keep going regardless.
Friday, 24 October 2014
Roadblock
I feel like my life has stagnated. I say that because I can no longer distinguish events which occurred last year from events which have occurred this year. It's almost like... time doesn't matter any more. I'm always doing the same repetitious crap, just with different crowds. Last year there was this guy who I was friends with for a while, then he turned out to be the kind of person I just totally do not enjoy hanging around. This year it's pretty much the same- there's this guy who I spent an entire afternoon talking to- it started because I called him over, mistaking him for someone else. Yeah, awkward, right.
Anyway he knew my house-mate pretty well and we'd met before, so the awkwardness resolved itself, but before I knew it he'd wanted to hang out every single week and sadly he's not that cool. I found out a couple of days ago that he asked my house-mate out, which didn't really surprise me, I guess, but it's like, the same shit happened last year, too.
Now if history repeats itself then I'm on course for almost-failing this semester's exams, which is totally not-cool and totally not what I want to do. Unfortunately there's a lot of revision to do- a lot of lectures I didn't pay attention to, and I guess just a lot of stuff I either never learnt or don't remember learning. Whoops.
On an unrelated note: last night I had the worst fucking dream: I dreamt that I witnessed this guy shoot his wife and daughter after she confronted him about him cheating. Then I dreamt that we both went to prison because he said I was his accomplice, and in my dream I hated him so much I found a knife and gutted him like a fish. I'm kinda badass in my dreams, huh? Not really, because then the setting of my dream changed to my year 12 maths classroom, and I was just sitting there, crying that I'm sorry I fucked up my life by brutally murdering someone.
Yeah I should probably take a break soon. Another month and this will all be over. Maybe I just need to live again.
Anyway he knew my house-mate pretty well and we'd met before, so the awkwardness resolved itself, but before I knew it he'd wanted to hang out every single week and sadly he's not that cool. I found out a couple of days ago that he asked my house-mate out, which didn't really surprise me, I guess, but it's like, the same shit happened last year, too.
Now if history repeats itself then I'm on course for almost-failing this semester's exams, which is totally not-cool and totally not what I want to do. Unfortunately there's a lot of revision to do- a lot of lectures I didn't pay attention to, and I guess just a lot of stuff I either never learnt or don't remember learning. Whoops.
On an unrelated note: last night I had the worst fucking dream: I dreamt that I witnessed this guy shoot his wife and daughter after she confronted him about him cheating. Then I dreamt that we both went to prison because he said I was his accomplice, and in my dream I hated him so much I found a knife and gutted him like a fish. I'm kinda badass in my dreams, huh? Not really, because then the setting of my dream changed to my year 12 maths classroom, and I was just sitting there, crying that I'm sorry I fucked up my life by brutally murdering someone.
Yeah I should probably take a break soon. Another month and this will all be over. Maybe I just need to live again.
Monday, 20 October 2014
Me; Non-confrontational
I despise myself at times. So often I say things which I don't really mean, and hurt people I dearly cherish. Then there are times when certain words need to be said, and my mouth is sealed shut while my heart races at a hundred and twenty beats per minute. It's a wonder how I can carelessly blurt out certain things but at other times stay so quiet and still.
Often times I find that I leave myself trapped in situations where I feel immensely distressed- then I proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. I continue with life best as I can, and hope that the problem will one day solve itself. I've become the kind of person I really hate.
How do we do anything in this world? Why is there no teacher other than the experience of failure? We all try so hard, after all, to reach the goal in a straight line- and so many of us crash and fall- some of us may rise again. With so many precedents before me though, surely of those I can find a single route, convoluted or not, to take me to where I'd like to be, without hurting myself in the process. I don't understand why "no pain no gain" is so widely accepted and acknowledged as a truth- the aim of the game should be to gain WITHOUT pain. Only losers make fair trades in this world and believe in equivalent exchange.
As you can see Full Metal Alchemist was NOT my favourite anime ever.
Still, I've been struggling lately. I get frustrated at certain things that don't deserve my frustration, I find myself distracted all too often, by really- nothing in particular. There are just so many things I want to do and so many things I'd rather not do- so I end up not really doing either, but somewhere in the pile of things I've neglected are tasks which demand to be completed. As a consequence I often find myself sleep-deprived, hungry, and very, very lethargic. Then I make an effort to take care of myself and it's alright again, if only for a short while- before everything starts sliding down the drain and I become submerged once more.
I don't really know how long I can keep this up, but for what it's worth the year's almost over, I've kept up with assessments and I have nothing to do but focus on my exams. If I pass, it will have been a huge achievement for me. I can rip myself a new page and start fresh next year... but right now, I'm just trying to haul myself one stretch further.
Was life always this laborious? Will I ever live to see the start of my glory days, or am I spending my glory days now as one would spend their time in hell?
Often times I find that I leave myself trapped in situations where I feel immensely distressed- then I proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. I continue with life best as I can, and hope that the problem will one day solve itself. I've become the kind of person I really hate.
How do we do anything in this world? Why is there no teacher other than the experience of failure? We all try so hard, after all, to reach the goal in a straight line- and so many of us crash and fall- some of us may rise again. With so many precedents before me though, surely of those I can find a single route, convoluted or not, to take me to where I'd like to be, without hurting myself in the process. I don't understand why "no pain no gain" is so widely accepted and acknowledged as a truth- the aim of the game should be to gain WITHOUT pain. Only losers make fair trades in this world and believe in equivalent exchange.
As you can see Full Metal Alchemist was NOT my favourite anime ever.
Still, I've been struggling lately. I get frustrated at certain things that don't deserve my frustration, I find myself distracted all too often, by really- nothing in particular. There are just so many things I want to do and so many things I'd rather not do- so I end up not really doing either, but somewhere in the pile of things I've neglected are tasks which demand to be completed. As a consequence I often find myself sleep-deprived, hungry, and very, very lethargic. Then I make an effort to take care of myself and it's alright again, if only for a short while- before everything starts sliding down the drain and I become submerged once more.
I don't really know how long I can keep this up, but for what it's worth the year's almost over, I've kept up with assessments and I have nothing to do but focus on my exams. If I pass, it will have been a huge achievement for me. I can rip myself a new page and start fresh next year... but right now, I'm just trying to haul myself one stretch further.
Was life always this laborious? Will I ever live to see the start of my glory days, or am I spending my glory days now as one would spend their time in hell?
Gone Girl
I haven't read the book, but I watched the movie recently. 9/10, I'd say. The actress who starred it, Rosamund Pike- she played Jane in one of my favourite movies, Pride and Prejudice. Yeah one of my fav movies is P&P--- I'm gay like that, deal with it.
Back to Gone Girl- the trailer didn't seem that exciting, I was bored in the theatre for a while- then the story REALLY started. It was amazing- I didn't realize Pike was such a good actor. The story's kinda like... thriller, mystery, horror sorta thing? Idk, I'm bad at genres. It was utterly absurd but utterly entertaining, just the way I like it.
I thought the ending was weird though- so much had happened, and then it was just sorta like... business as usual? I thought that there might've been a sequel to the movie, but according to Wikipedia that's where the book ends as well, so that's disappointing. I guess we shouldn't stretch a good thing too far though- just look at what happened to stuff like Shrek and Madagascar.
So I actually started writing this post a while ago, without actually publishing it. Basically it means I don't know whether Gone Girl is still in the cinemas, but if it is you should totally go see it. I think it's worth your 20 dollars or whatever.
Back to Gone Girl- the trailer didn't seem that exciting, I was bored in the theatre for a while- then the story REALLY started. It was amazing- I didn't realize Pike was such a good actor. The story's kinda like... thriller, mystery, horror sorta thing? Idk, I'm bad at genres. It was utterly absurd but utterly entertaining, just the way I like it.
I thought the ending was weird though- so much had happened, and then it was just sorta like... business as usual? I thought that there might've been a sequel to the movie, but according to Wikipedia that's where the book ends as well, so that's disappointing. I guess we shouldn't stretch a good thing too far though- just look at what happened to stuff like Shrek and Madagascar.
So I actually started writing this post a while ago, without actually publishing it. Basically it means I don't know whether Gone Girl is still in the cinemas, but if it is you should totally go see it. I think it's worth your 20 dollars or whatever.
Saturday, 11 October 2014
Goddamn Neighbours
I'm at that point again, where my sleep is so messed up that I wake at 11am and sleep at 3am. At least I'm getting my 8 hours- but it totally wouldn't work out if I had to go to school. Daylight savings messed me up, hard. I think I might be still adjusting. I was writing a report and the report contained the phrase "1 day ago", and I had to Google whether "1 day ago" was synonymous with "yesterday" and goddamn I felt so retarded.
I think I'm just unhappy because there's not enough darkness in my day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love daylight savings. Being able to stay out "late" but then you look up and the sky's only glowing pink- it's the best feeling. What's not cool is that over winter I've adjusted to starting work after dark, eating dinner after dark and daytime = play time. Now that daytime is extended all of a sudden I find myself needing to eat and work at the same time, and it's kind of confusing. The Sun is confusing, dammit.
What's worse is my fucking neighbours. My creepy-ass landlord tells me they're indecent people, and I took it with a grain of salt because I think my landlord is creepy af despite having good intentions. Anyway, recently I've aligned myself with my landlord and goddamn I wish our neighbours would GTFO. So, they have several dogs- I generally don't really mind my neighbours dogs as long as it doesn't shit on our lawn- BUT GODDAMN THESE DOGS BARK LIKE CRAZY. It'd literally be 3am and I'd be trying to work and the dog would go woof woof woof and I'm like "fuuuuuck". It's not even just a 3am thing- those dogs bark during the day, whenever. Closing the window doesn't even help much, and I need my fresh air.
Anyway I heard a rumour from my landlord that their dogs bit one of the neighbour's kids. Fucking hell just because I'm in a dodgy suburb doesn't mean you shouldn't train your dogs not to bite. Given that it already barks all day, I'm not surprised though.
Then there's the neighbours themselves. I wish I had the money to live in a nicer suburb, I really do. I don't think you can be a decent person when you've got your 6-10 year old kids running around the yard screaming the words "fuck" and "cunt". Yeah, I've gotta put up with this screaming, too. Children's voices are REALLY shrill. Like sure maybe I've heard of those words too when I was that age, but I didn't run around screaming them the whole day. Then when the children don't yell swear words, the adults do it themselves and it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the kids got their vocab from.
On top of all this shit--- I swear to God my neighbours have been mowing their lawns for a week now. Every day for about an hour than lawn-mower just goes off and goddamn it's loud. Look I know all lawn mowers are pretty damn loud- and I'm mostly ok for putting up with it every now and again- but WHO THE FUCK MOWS THEIR LAWN EVERY DAY, FOR A WEEK? Like, WTF is wrong with these people???!!!
Yeah I've got headphones and everything- but I don't like having headphones on for longer than 90min- and I stay in my room for way longer than 90min each day. It's distracting being here. I can't read, I can't concentrate, and I sort of having my own attention deficit problems and I don't need environmental factors to play a role on why I'm not doing my work.
Here's hoping the next house I find will be better, because goddamn this place sucks shit.
I think I'm just unhappy because there's not enough darkness in my day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love daylight savings. Being able to stay out "late" but then you look up and the sky's only glowing pink- it's the best feeling. What's not cool is that over winter I've adjusted to starting work after dark, eating dinner after dark and daytime = play time. Now that daytime is extended all of a sudden I find myself needing to eat and work at the same time, and it's kind of confusing. The Sun is confusing, dammit.
What's worse is my fucking neighbours. My creepy-ass landlord tells me they're indecent people, and I took it with a grain of salt because I think my landlord is creepy af despite having good intentions. Anyway, recently I've aligned myself with my landlord and goddamn I wish our neighbours would GTFO. So, they have several dogs- I generally don't really mind my neighbours dogs as long as it doesn't shit on our lawn- BUT GODDAMN THESE DOGS BARK LIKE CRAZY. It'd literally be 3am and I'd be trying to work and the dog would go woof woof woof and I'm like "fuuuuuck". It's not even just a 3am thing- those dogs bark during the day, whenever. Closing the window doesn't even help much, and I need my fresh air.
Anyway I heard a rumour from my landlord that their dogs bit one of the neighbour's kids. Fucking hell just because I'm in a dodgy suburb doesn't mean you shouldn't train your dogs not to bite. Given that it already barks all day, I'm not surprised though.
Then there's the neighbours themselves. I wish I had the money to live in a nicer suburb, I really do. I don't think you can be a decent person when you've got your 6-10 year old kids running around the yard screaming the words "fuck" and "cunt". Yeah, I've gotta put up with this screaming, too. Children's voices are REALLY shrill. Like sure maybe I've heard of those words too when I was that age, but I didn't run around screaming them the whole day. Then when the children don't yell swear words, the adults do it themselves and it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the kids got their vocab from.
On top of all this shit--- I swear to God my neighbours have been mowing their lawns for a week now. Every day for about an hour than lawn-mower just goes off and goddamn it's loud. Look I know all lawn mowers are pretty damn loud- and I'm mostly ok for putting up with it every now and again- but WHO THE FUCK MOWS THEIR LAWN EVERY DAY, FOR A WEEK? Like, WTF is wrong with these people???!!!
Yeah I've got headphones and everything- but I don't like having headphones on for longer than 90min- and I stay in my room for way longer than 90min each day. It's distracting being here. I can't read, I can't concentrate, and I sort of having my own attention deficit problems and I don't need environmental factors to play a role on why I'm not doing my work.
Here's hoping the next house I find will be better, because goddamn this place sucks shit.
Thursday, 2 October 2014
Protests of Hong Kong
It was Chinese National Day yesterday- and the biggest headline was probably about those protests in Hong Kong. Thousands of students occupying the streets, with signs and slogans and whatnot. To be fair it's probably one of the least violent protests I've ever seen- no one's gotten hurt yet. Yet. I think it's inevitable someone's gonna get fucked.
What are they protesting about? Well if you haven't already heard, HK is pretty much self-governing. Well- it's kind of supposed to be. Geographically it's part of China, but politically it's touchy. Ever since the whole British colonization thing and being captured by the Japanese, their culture's been distinctly different from the Chinese one. Anyway China reclaimed HK as its territory from Britain, so everyone knows HK is in China but they're not really the same as mainland.
This whole riot thing comes from HK wanting political freedom. Basically they get to vote, but the list of candidates they can vote on are all people approved by the central government in Beijing. So they want a fair election- that's the essence of their protest. Doesn't seem that unreasonable a request- but the context is China- where voting is more of a metaphorical concept and its censorship policy, dubbed "the Great Firewall of China" is better known than the actual Great Wall.
To mainland citizens, this seems like a ridiculous situation. To them it's like unhappy HK politicians are manipulating students under the banner of "freedom" and they know it'll be difficult to deal with because you can't really be violent towards a bunch of kids- well I guess you can, but that kind of massacre is ugly for the media. Not that the media gets out in China... which is why it's my belief that it's only a matter of time until things get really ugly.
Personally- I think freedom is worth fighting for. Maybe the politicians ARE manipulating the students- but in the end, if they can actually have their vote mean something, I think that's valuable enough. Personally I'm one of those terrible people who don't pay attention to political affairs. I think the main reason that mainland doesn't riot is because people are like me, to a degree: it doesn't affect me personally, therefore I don't care. Can't vote? Doesn't matter. Taxes raised? Well can't do shit about it. Can't read news, can't access foreign media? Doesn't matter, watch TV shows online, play copious amounts of video games, enjoy my free music. Go eat after work, drink at a bar, go home, sleep, wake, go to work. Worry about bills. Worry about having a family and paying off a mortgage. Never realize life would be better if government welfare was a thing and the economy wasn't so fucked. But if someone ever rises from the masses without being destroyed by the government, maybe it could be the start of something.
It's a dilemma, really. The world has to change- but would be rather see change from within, or do we want a political- or perhaps eventually literal- bloodbath? Nobody wants to go to war, and nobody really wants to disturb the pretence of "peace" which currently exists.
I can't say I am as emotionally invested in the subject as people of Hong Kong- but I do understand the reason behind their passion. When your liberties are stripped from you and you're bound like chattel, it's entirely appropriate to attempt to reclaim the dignity you've lost. I just wish damages would be minimal and nobody is irreparably injured. It would simply provide more reason for general hostility.
It pains me to grow up and realise that Hong Kong and Taiwan are not actually a part of China, in reality. It's also a great embarrassment to introduce yourself as Chinese and have people follow up with the question of, "how do you deal with being so repressed by your government?" The image of China as presented by Western media is frankly embarrassing. It's embarrassing because you know exactly how much is media bullshit and exactly how much is actually what happens.
Anyway- I hope that HK is successful in their struggle for freedom. Whether they are being manipulated by local politicians or not- at least the idealism is one worth fighting for. This is one of the rare times where I push my consequentialist-self aside, and say, "it doesn't matter if they succeed- it matters that they fought for what was important to them, to show that their spirit is alive. It's so much more human than being helplessly content with everything".
I just wish that when everything is over, the divide between mainland and the other regions will cease to exist.
What are they protesting about? Well if you haven't already heard, HK is pretty much self-governing. Well- it's kind of supposed to be. Geographically it's part of China, but politically it's touchy. Ever since the whole British colonization thing and being captured by the Japanese, their culture's been distinctly different from the Chinese one. Anyway China reclaimed HK as its territory from Britain, so everyone knows HK is in China but they're not really the same as mainland.
This whole riot thing comes from HK wanting political freedom. Basically they get to vote, but the list of candidates they can vote on are all people approved by the central government in Beijing. So they want a fair election- that's the essence of their protest. Doesn't seem that unreasonable a request- but the context is China- where voting is more of a metaphorical concept and its censorship policy, dubbed "the Great Firewall of China" is better known than the actual Great Wall.
To mainland citizens, this seems like a ridiculous situation. To them it's like unhappy HK politicians are manipulating students under the banner of "freedom" and they know it'll be difficult to deal with because you can't really be violent towards a bunch of kids- well I guess you can, but that kind of massacre is ugly for the media. Not that the media gets out in China... which is why it's my belief that it's only a matter of time until things get really ugly.
Personally- I think freedom is worth fighting for. Maybe the politicians ARE manipulating the students- but in the end, if they can actually have their vote mean something, I think that's valuable enough. Personally I'm one of those terrible people who don't pay attention to political affairs. I think the main reason that mainland doesn't riot is because people are like me, to a degree: it doesn't affect me personally, therefore I don't care. Can't vote? Doesn't matter. Taxes raised? Well can't do shit about it. Can't read news, can't access foreign media? Doesn't matter, watch TV shows online, play copious amounts of video games, enjoy my free music. Go eat after work, drink at a bar, go home, sleep, wake, go to work. Worry about bills. Worry about having a family and paying off a mortgage. Never realize life would be better if government welfare was a thing and the economy wasn't so fucked. But if someone ever rises from the masses without being destroyed by the government, maybe it could be the start of something.
It's a dilemma, really. The world has to change- but would be rather see change from within, or do we want a political- or perhaps eventually literal- bloodbath? Nobody wants to go to war, and nobody really wants to disturb the pretence of "peace" which currently exists.
I can't say I am as emotionally invested in the subject as people of Hong Kong- but I do understand the reason behind their passion. When your liberties are stripped from you and you're bound like chattel, it's entirely appropriate to attempt to reclaim the dignity you've lost. I just wish damages would be minimal and nobody is irreparably injured. It would simply provide more reason for general hostility.
It pains me to grow up and realise that Hong Kong and Taiwan are not actually a part of China, in reality. It's also a great embarrassment to introduce yourself as Chinese and have people follow up with the question of, "how do you deal with being so repressed by your government?" The image of China as presented by Western media is frankly embarrassing. It's embarrassing because you know exactly how much is media bullshit and exactly how much is actually what happens.
Anyway- I hope that HK is successful in their struggle for freedom. Whether they are being manipulated by local politicians or not- at least the idealism is one worth fighting for. This is one of the rare times where I push my consequentialist-self aside, and say, "it doesn't matter if they succeed- it matters that they fought for what was important to them, to show that their spirit is alive. It's so much more human than being helplessly content with everything".
I just wish that when everything is over, the divide between mainland and the other regions will cease to exist.
Thursday, 25 September 2014
Feminism
It's been a very long time since I've wrote something substantial- so uhm, here goes. Feminism- the trigger that brings this topic to mind is the very recent speech given by Emma Watson at some UN conference or rather. Yeah, Emma Watson- that really hot girl from Harry Potter. Who'd have thought she'd be able to give such a moving, well thought out speech- right? See- there's the problem already- I was surprised by the delivery of her speech because I thought she was too pretty to be that sophisticated. And goddamn that alone makes me a terrible person.
Well I won't bash myself too hard on this issue- because I judge men an women alike, by their superficial appearances. Surely that underpins the idea behind feminism. Can I call myself a feminist yet?
Seriously though- it's a great speech, and she's a great orator. I don't know if she wrote her speech herself; and if she did then she deserves more respect than I've given her. Even if she didn't- she's still damn well accomplished. And though she was capable of a multitude of great achievements- I've decided to label her as "the hot girl from Harry Potter"- as if there was no other notable adjective to use to describe her.
What do I consider feminism to be though? For me- actually, let me digress a little bit more. I fucking hate that word. If someone says they're a feminist- it immediately leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I know people are criticising me when they say I'm anti-feminist: and I didn't mind, because I hated what feminism stood for. By the books, feminism supports the equality of men and women. That women should be offered the same job opportunities, that they should be paid equally for doing the same work--- and I mostly support its ideals. But when people apply the word "feminism"- they don't mean that they support gender equality. It's more of a "I'm going to be loud and high pitched and feed more into the 'women are irrational bitches' stereotype, and I'm going to DEMAND your respect because I have tits".
So I really hope you watch Emma's video. In her opening sentences, she really addresses the issue that I've been facing. I refuse to be labelled as a feminist and I refuse to be associated with its movements, simply because I fear that I'll be grouped with the ranting and raving fanatics that should really be kept in a circle of their own. Like I said- feminism is a terrible word. For a word that is supposedly meant to represent gender equality- it already claims a female perspective. No- that's not the way to go. If you want to promote equality, then you grab a neutral perspective. I don't think feminism should be a thing- where you go to extra effort to make sure you treat women nicer. No, you fucking go to the extra effort to treat EVERYONE nicer, because that makes you a decent human being.
I guess I prefer to support humanitarianism, and would rather be called a humanitarian.
Emma's speech is great because she addresses the fact that feminism is about men and women alike (I still fucking hate that word, but I'll use it still so we stay in context). Men are also prey to gender stereotypes- and goddamn I know that very few of my friends give enough shits about their health to go to the gym. No, they gym because they want muscle because that makes them more of a man. And that's kind of terrible but I won't stop them, since going to the gym is way better for your health than spending time at the club trying to pick up genital warts. The reason behind it is worrisome, that's all.
By Emma's definition of feminism, I would no longer like to be seen as an anti-feminist; but at the same time I am still vastly hesitant to rant and rave to the world that I AM a feminist. I think the attitude still perseveres where being a feminist means a woman shaming men and lecturing them about the patriarchal flaws of our world, and how women have been imprisoned by men for too long, yada yada. You know, women limit themselves as much as men do. They say, well, only men get these jobs, so I'm not going to apply. They say, well, only men are good at maths are physics, so I'm going to get an art degree. While there are grounds to justify their statements- their mindset fuels this self-perpetuating cycle of female oppression- and it really is partially their "fault", too.
And you know- I hate to play the blame game. I hate questions that ask you to figure out: "well whose fault is it?" No- I prefer to look at it from a different perspective- the perspective of "why didn't it work out?" Now these questions might seem similar enough and may even have the same answer- but the change in attitude is necessary. I don't want to blame men for female oppression from historical times to present- and I most certainly don't want to blame women for it either. It's the "fault" of society, and by society I mean everyone within it, myself included. We don't think about these things, or we think and refuse to act on these things- or we act in a way that doesn't change anything. We can't find a solution if we're still stuck in the past, demanding to be repaid for the sins of generations before, wanting retribution for times gone by. I mean, an admittance of past mistakes is good- but what we need is a future.
In that future, I hope that people will be recognized as people, and be treated kindly by each other. I hope we will learn to accept each other as male, female, and everything in between the gender spectrum and beyond. When it comes to not-being-a-douche, gender doesn't really factor in. I will argue, however, that there are differences between genders, and rather for those differences to be exploited like they have been in the past, I hope that the differences will be recognized, acknowledged, and accepted.
So I will try to end on a very pedantic note about semantics- "gender equality" is also a terrible term. The majority of men are physically stronger than the majority of women, that's why work requiring heavy physical labour contain workers which are predominantly male. That's not sexism, that's more biology and economic efficiency. To ignore such differences and demand "at least 50% of workers must be female" is absolute bullshit. No, how about you have a model where both men and women are allowed to apply, but let whoever is better at the job come through. I'm going to wager that most of those people will be male. Still not sexism. No, sexism is where you bar women from applying at all, because of the majority of men are generally physically stronger than the majority of women. A meritocracy is the way to go, folks.
Anyway- what I'm saying is- don't ignore the differences between sexes and genders. They are what they are, and they exist so we can define such things as sexes and genders. Don't sweep them under the carpet of "equality"- embrace them, acknowledge them, and apply them to what is maximally efficient. We don't need everything to be the same, we need everything to be as fair as possible. Which is why "equity" is a much better word. A woman is not the same as a man, after all, but yes you should still be decent towards them, regardless.
There you have it- at the end of this long article, I conclude that I still do not like being called a feminist or a supporter of feminism. I support gender equity, and I support humanitarianism. I also approve of the "HeForShe" movement, because under all that linguistic mumbo jumbo the pedant in me does not approve of, I understand the spirit and philosophy behind it, and I agree it is a very valuable cause for the better future of our society.
Well I won't bash myself too hard on this issue- because I judge men an women alike, by their superficial appearances. Surely that underpins the idea behind feminism. Can I call myself a feminist yet?
Seriously though- it's a great speech, and she's a great orator. I don't know if she wrote her speech herself; and if she did then she deserves more respect than I've given her. Even if she didn't- she's still damn well accomplished. And though she was capable of a multitude of great achievements- I've decided to label her as "the hot girl from Harry Potter"- as if there was no other notable adjective to use to describe her.
What do I consider feminism to be though? For me- actually, let me digress a little bit more. I fucking hate that word. If someone says they're a feminist- it immediately leaves a sour taste in my mouth. I know people are criticising me when they say I'm anti-feminist: and I didn't mind, because I hated what feminism stood for. By the books, feminism supports the equality of men and women. That women should be offered the same job opportunities, that they should be paid equally for doing the same work--- and I mostly support its ideals. But when people apply the word "feminism"- they don't mean that they support gender equality. It's more of a "I'm going to be loud and high pitched and feed more into the 'women are irrational bitches' stereotype, and I'm going to DEMAND your respect because I have tits".
So I really hope you watch Emma's video. In her opening sentences, she really addresses the issue that I've been facing. I refuse to be labelled as a feminist and I refuse to be associated with its movements, simply because I fear that I'll be grouped with the ranting and raving fanatics that should really be kept in a circle of their own. Like I said- feminism is a terrible word. For a word that is supposedly meant to represent gender equality- it already claims a female perspective. No- that's not the way to go. If you want to promote equality, then you grab a neutral perspective. I don't think feminism should be a thing- where you go to extra effort to make sure you treat women nicer. No, you fucking go to the extra effort to treat EVERYONE nicer, because that makes you a decent human being.
I guess I prefer to support humanitarianism, and would rather be called a humanitarian.
Emma's speech is great because she addresses the fact that feminism is about men and women alike (I still fucking hate that word, but I'll use it still so we stay in context). Men are also prey to gender stereotypes- and goddamn I know that very few of my friends give enough shits about their health to go to the gym. No, they gym because they want muscle because that makes them more of a man. And that's kind of terrible but I won't stop them, since going to the gym is way better for your health than spending time at the club trying to pick up genital warts. The reason behind it is worrisome, that's all.
By Emma's definition of feminism, I would no longer like to be seen as an anti-feminist; but at the same time I am still vastly hesitant to rant and rave to the world that I AM a feminist. I think the attitude still perseveres where being a feminist means a woman shaming men and lecturing them about the patriarchal flaws of our world, and how women have been imprisoned by men for too long, yada yada. You know, women limit themselves as much as men do. They say, well, only men get these jobs, so I'm not going to apply. They say, well, only men are good at maths are physics, so I'm going to get an art degree. While there are grounds to justify their statements- their mindset fuels this self-perpetuating cycle of female oppression- and it really is partially their "fault", too.
And you know- I hate to play the blame game. I hate questions that ask you to figure out: "well whose fault is it?" No- I prefer to look at it from a different perspective- the perspective of "why didn't it work out?" Now these questions might seem similar enough and may even have the same answer- but the change in attitude is necessary. I don't want to blame men for female oppression from historical times to present- and I most certainly don't want to blame women for it either. It's the "fault" of society, and by society I mean everyone within it, myself included. We don't think about these things, or we think and refuse to act on these things- or we act in a way that doesn't change anything. We can't find a solution if we're still stuck in the past, demanding to be repaid for the sins of generations before, wanting retribution for times gone by. I mean, an admittance of past mistakes is good- but what we need is a future.
In that future, I hope that people will be recognized as people, and be treated kindly by each other. I hope we will learn to accept each other as male, female, and everything in between the gender spectrum and beyond. When it comes to not-being-a-douche, gender doesn't really factor in. I will argue, however, that there are differences between genders, and rather for those differences to be exploited like they have been in the past, I hope that the differences will be recognized, acknowledged, and accepted.
So I will try to end on a very pedantic note about semantics- "gender equality" is also a terrible term. The majority of men are physically stronger than the majority of women, that's why work requiring heavy physical labour contain workers which are predominantly male. That's not sexism, that's more biology and economic efficiency. To ignore such differences and demand "at least 50% of workers must be female" is absolute bullshit. No, how about you have a model where both men and women are allowed to apply, but let whoever is better at the job come through. I'm going to wager that most of those people will be male. Still not sexism. No, sexism is where you bar women from applying at all, because of the majority of men are generally physically stronger than the majority of women. A meritocracy is the way to go, folks.
Anyway- what I'm saying is- don't ignore the differences between sexes and genders. They are what they are, and they exist so we can define such things as sexes and genders. Don't sweep them under the carpet of "equality"- embrace them, acknowledge them, and apply them to what is maximally efficient. We don't need everything to be the same, we need everything to be as fair as possible. Which is why "equity" is a much better word. A woman is not the same as a man, after all, but yes you should still be decent towards them, regardless.
There you have it- at the end of this long article, I conclude that I still do not like being called a feminist or a supporter of feminism. I support gender equity, and I support humanitarianism. I also approve of the "HeForShe" movement, because under all that linguistic mumbo jumbo the pedant in me does not approve of, I understand the spirit and philosophy behind it, and I agree it is a very valuable cause for the better future of our society.
Wednesday, 24 September 2014
Just another typical conversation
Mom: hey what's the difference between your iPad and a laptop
Me: a laptop has more functions
Mom: so they're the same thing
Me: no a laptop has more functions which means it does what an iPad can't
Mom: well I think they're the same thing
And this is why you don't buy an external keyboard for your iPad, lest your mother think it's practically the same thing as a laptop.
Me: a laptop has more functions
Mom: so they're the same thing
Me: no a laptop has more functions which means it does what an iPad can't
Mom: well I think they're the same thing
And this is why you don't buy an external keyboard for your iPad, lest your mother think it's practically the same thing as a laptop.
OH THE DREAD
Shit--- what have I actually done. My fingers were literally tingling after I clicked the "confirm" button on the webpage. I just spent 1.5k ordering a new laptop. Not the gravest sin, not even a jaw-dropping price for a new laptop- but the focus here is on how broke I fucking am and the fact that I'm currently blogging on my functional laptop which is only 1.5 years old. Holy shit I don't think I've ever spent that much money in one go.
...And it sounds so pathetic when I say I've never spent more than 1.5k on a single item. Goddamn I hate being poor. Well- I guess I'm not like... desperately poor- but at the same time it's like... WHY. WHY did I just do that.
Alright actually that's not even rhetorical. I'll tell you why. It's because my goddamn laptop overheats and it's not even getting better after I bought a cooling fan. Cooling fans are cool, but apparently it's not cool enough for my laptop to play games. And why the hell do I need a laptop if I'm not going play games. My brother bought me an iPad, after all. I could literally do all my work on my iPad if I wanted. I bought a keyboard for it and all that.
Anyway, my mind can't rationally justify the fact that I just spent 1.5k to play games. My current laptop is enough for essay writing and whatever else the fuck I do. Nope, not enough. I decided games would be worth more. Holy fuck I'm so addicted to gaming. And I hate myself for it. And I'm giddy for my laptop's arrival. It's hopeless.
Welp, I hope it arrives before school begins.
...And it sounds so pathetic when I say I've never spent more than 1.5k on a single item. Goddamn I hate being poor. Well- I guess I'm not like... desperately poor- but at the same time it's like... WHY. WHY did I just do that.
Alright actually that's not even rhetorical. I'll tell you why. It's because my goddamn laptop overheats and it's not even getting better after I bought a cooling fan. Cooling fans are cool, but apparently it's not cool enough for my laptop to play games. And why the hell do I need a laptop if I'm not going play games. My brother bought me an iPad, after all. I could literally do all my work on my iPad if I wanted. I bought a keyboard for it and all that.
Anyway, my mind can't rationally justify the fact that I just spent 1.5k to play games. My current laptop is enough for essay writing and whatever else the fuck I do. Nope, not enough. I decided games would be worth more. Holy fuck I'm so addicted to gaming. And I hate myself for it. And I'm giddy for my laptop's arrival. It's hopeless.
Welp, I hope it arrives before school begins.
Wednesday, 10 September 2014
Magic in the Moonlight
I have something terrible to confess- I started wagging my classes again. I swore to myself that I wouldn't do it- not after almost failing last year- but today I woke to my alarm, then blatantly ignored it. By the time I woke again I was already late for my first class- and I wish I could say I felt guilty but there was a distinct lack of remorse. I simply went back to bed, tuned in to the current LoL relegation tournament that was being played, and skipped the remainder of my classes.
The good news is that the team I was rooting for didn't get relegated, despite being down 0-2 in a best of 5 series. I was rather shocked with the way they mounted their comeback. Those were some pretty good games.
Though I don't think it was worth me not going to class. Absolutely dreadful. I wish I had more discipline. When I was in college, wagging wasn't a thing. Like, people talked about skipping all the time, but the thing is, you failed if you skip enough. Except now lectures are just these things which are there- but they're boring, and there's nothing against you if you choose not to attend. I'm just frustrated that I woke up early enough- set my alarm and everything- then crashed back into bed.
Setting that ugly stuff aside- I went out to watch a movie this evening. Yeah yeah, what a terrible person I am, complaining about all this "work" while skipping lectures and seeing movies with friends. Blergh. Anyway, I didn't pick the movie- I didn't know what we were watching and I didn't care. My friend asked me if I'd like to go see it, and off I went. When I bought the tickets I found out with was called Magic in the Moonlight.
I found the story to be absolutely delightful. The cinematography deserved some praise- the setting in particular, was so beautiful. I can't figure out if they built very fine props, or if it was all natural, or if it was simply the green screen. Either way, it was marvellous.
One of the main characters was played by Emma Stone. My friend who I saw the movie with had previously told me of his obsession with her, and how she's his ultimate fantasy. I'd searched up images of her then, and found her to be decently attractive but nothing extraordinary. This movie changed my mind entirely. She is HOT. Well... more than hot... "hot" is such a contemporary term. I think what I'm trying to say is... she was breathtakingly beautiful. I had never seen a girl quite so pretty. She was just such a fabulous fusion of some of my favourite traits- she had a slender figure like Keira Knightley, but she dressed in that 1920s fashion and carried herself so delicately- her back slightly arched but not slouching- argh, I don't know how to describe it further. Here, have a picture.
The good news is that the team I was rooting for didn't get relegated, despite being down 0-2 in a best of 5 series. I was rather shocked with the way they mounted their comeback. Those were some pretty good games.
Though I don't think it was worth me not going to class. Absolutely dreadful. I wish I had more discipline. When I was in college, wagging wasn't a thing. Like, people talked about skipping all the time, but the thing is, you failed if you skip enough. Except now lectures are just these things which are there- but they're boring, and there's nothing against you if you choose not to attend. I'm just frustrated that I woke up early enough- set my alarm and everything- then crashed back into bed.
Setting that ugly stuff aside- I went out to watch a movie this evening. Yeah yeah, what a terrible person I am, complaining about all this "work" while skipping lectures and seeing movies with friends. Blergh. Anyway, I didn't pick the movie- I didn't know what we were watching and I didn't care. My friend asked me if I'd like to go see it, and off I went. When I bought the tickets I found out with was called Magic in the Moonlight.
I found the story to be absolutely delightful. The cinematography deserved some praise- the setting in particular, was so beautiful. I can't figure out if they built very fine props, or if it was all natural, or if it was simply the green screen. Either way, it was marvellous.
One of the main characters was played by Emma Stone. My friend who I saw the movie with had previously told me of his obsession with her, and how she's his ultimate fantasy. I'd searched up images of her then, and found her to be decently attractive but nothing extraordinary. This movie changed my mind entirely. She is HOT. Well... more than hot... "hot" is such a contemporary term. I think what I'm trying to say is... she was breathtakingly beautiful. I had never seen a girl quite so pretty. She was just such a fabulous fusion of some of my favourite traits- she had a slender figure like Keira Knightley, but she dressed in that 1920s fashion and carried herself so delicately- her back slightly arched but not slouching- argh, I don't know how to describe it further. Here, have a picture.
Or you know, have more than one picture. She's gorgeous.
All in all it was an evening well spent- the movie was quite excellent, too. I thoroughly enjoyed the plot, and Colin Firth, who played the protagonist, did so very well. I don't regret seeing this movie at all- and in fact, it's one of those movies I'd like to have, just so I might watch it again some day.
So if you're seeking to be entertained by something quite light-hearted, I'd definitely recommend Magic in the Moonlight.
Sunday, 7 September 2014
Pressure Cooker
I was wasting time on the internet, when I came across a Frozen gif of the animated snowman saying, "some people are worth melting for". The notion is so romantic- and I thought, "I wish I had someone to melt for".
From there I somehow came to the conclusion that--- like it or not, we're all melting regardless- albeit much slower than a snowman. The pressures of this world are eating us raw, and gnawing on the bones underneath our exposed and festering wounds. I don't know if it's fair for my woes to compete with the woes of the third world- I have food, water, electricity, an education- and I'm not really fearful of dying of AIDs or Ebola the next day. For those of us in the first world, who have had their basic tier of needs satisfied, I feel like we are more plagued by abstract concepts conjured by our own minds. Once you become educated you start questioning things like morality, religion and philosophical value- and you sort of get tangled once again as you try to figure out right vs wrong, whether God is real and whether your reason of existence is valid. Why do we do this to ourselves?
I'm looking at a chart for Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, and I don't think I agree with his tier system completely. I concede that physiological needs must first be satisfied- but beyond that I think the pyramid loses its definition, as people want different things and you can't really apply this model only when it suits you. Is self-actualization even a real thing? Why bother having theoretical concepts if it is never to be achieved? I suppose it acts the same way candles work on a cake. It looks pretty, and the cake's value increases. When the cake is eaten, however, the candles go into the trash and you kind of wonder why we went there in the first place.
This has become a really weird rant. Maybe because it's past midnight and I haven't started on the many pages of tutorial notes I need to write by tomorrow. My creepy landlord is upping his creepiness- and he's complaining about our power consumption. Why did I ever think it was acceptable to live with a landlord in a cockroach infested house in the first place? Never mind that though- I have to deal with the phone calls from back "home", where my mother is constantly pressing the matter of whether or not I'm depressed, because I sound depressed. Look, I use the word "depressed" very freely and I mean it in a non-clinical sense. If I had clinical depression I probably would've never graduated. Just because I get driven up the wall and feel terrible at times doesn't mean I need to be interrogated by my mother on whether I'm depressed or not. It adds to my frustrations. So what, hypothetically speaking, if I was depressed? What's anyone going to do about it? I'm not going to break down so I can get attention and sympathy- I want to try hard enough to pass my classes and learn to enjoy life. I'm not saying depressed people are trying to get attention and sympathy, by the way--- I'm just saying that if I said I was depressed, it'd simply be attention seeking behaviour as opposed to anything else- I don't even meet half the diagnostic criteria.
Between dealing with my ever-annoying landlord who is harassing my house mate and I about this and that, as well as my slowly but steadily growing pile of school work--- I think it's an absolute wonder that I still find time on my hands to ponder if there is someone out there, worth melting for. You know... if breakdown is inevitable, and our icy structures will be reduced to no more than a puddle- it would be so much more heroic to meltdown for someone or something. Is that how all Great People achieved things? Melt for the world around them before they were slowly evaporated?
Oh lord this is a strange night.
From there I somehow came to the conclusion that--- like it or not, we're all melting regardless- albeit much slower than a snowman. The pressures of this world are eating us raw, and gnawing on the bones underneath our exposed and festering wounds. I don't know if it's fair for my woes to compete with the woes of the third world- I have food, water, electricity, an education- and I'm not really fearful of dying of AIDs or Ebola the next day. For those of us in the first world, who have had their basic tier of needs satisfied, I feel like we are more plagued by abstract concepts conjured by our own minds. Once you become educated you start questioning things like morality, religion and philosophical value- and you sort of get tangled once again as you try to figure out right vs wrong, whether God is real and whether your reason of existence is valid. Why do we do this to ourselves?
I'm looking at a chart for Maslow's Hierachy of Needs, and I don't think I agree with his tier system completely. I concede that physiological needs must first be satisfied- but beyond that I think the pyramid loses its definition, as people want different things and you can't really apply this model only when it suits you. Is self-actualization even a real thing? Why bother having theoretical concepts if it is never to be achieved? I suppose it acts the same way candles work on a cake. It looks pretty, and the cake's value increases. When the cake is eaten, however, the candles go into the trash and you kind of wonder why we went there in the first place.
This has become a really weird rant. Maybe because it's past midnight and I haven't started on the many pages of tutorial notes I need to write by tomorrow. My creepy landlord is upping his creepiness- and he's complaining about our power consumption. Why did I ever think it was acceptable to live with a landlord in a cockroach infested house in the first place? Never mind that though- I have to deal with the phone calls from back "home", where my mother is constantly pressing the matter of whether or not I'm depressed, because I sound depressed. Look, I use the word "depressed" very freely and I mean it in a non-clinical sense. If I had clinical depression I probably would've never graduated. Just because I get driven up the wall and feel terrible at times doesn't mean I need to be interrogated by my mother on whether I'm depressed or not. It adds to my frustrations. So what, hypothetically speaking, if I was depressed? What's anyone going to do about it? I'm not going to break down so I can get attention and sympathy- I want to try hard enough to pass my classes and learn to enjoy life. I'm not saying depressed people are trying to get attention and sympathy, by the way--- I'm just saying that if I said I was depressed, it'd simply be attention seeking behaviour as opposed to anything else- I don't even meet half the diagnostic criteria.
Between dealing with my ever-annoying landlord who is harassing my house mate and I about this and that, as well as my slowly but steadily growing pile of school work--- I think it's an absolute wonder that I still find time on my hands to ponder if there is someone out there, worth melting for. You know... if breakdown is inevitable, and our icy structures will be reduced to no more than a puddle- it would be so much more heroic to meltdown for someone or something. Is that how all Great People achieved things? Melt for the world around them before they were slowly evaporated?
Oh lord this is a strange night.
Saturday, 6 September 2014
The World Ends With You
The World Ends With You (TWEWY) is one of my favourite games, by far. I say this because after completing the entire story, finishing the noise (monster) catalogue and collecting every single item there is, I chose to buy the iOS version and now I'm replaying it. It's been so long since I last played this game though, I'm hit by surprises at every corner.
Surprise 1: the game is sooo fucking hard. I didn't realize, because I'd clocked so many hours on it and I became obsessive in collecting items/ pins (weapons), that I essentially had a very OP set of everything. As soon as I restarted, I found nearly every single boss fight to be impossibly hard and it took so much more skill than I remembered. What do you mean I have to TIME boss attacks and REACT? Why can't I just finish the boss off in 3 hits or let him hit me for 0 damage?
Anyway despite my complaints I'm now onto the last boss fight of the main storyline... and the game's been getting easier as I go on, because I remember all the little tricks from my previous run so it's been ok. The only thing shitty about today was how my iPad crashed in the middle of the boss fight- but I was knocked back to the beginning of the sequence because I have to fight these 3 figures in a row. That told me that I should probably take a break- but I was kind of mad because I wanted to witness the end of the story once again...
Playing this game has got me thinking again... This isn't one of my fav games because it's simply "fun"--- the storyline was kind of deep. I feel like I'm like the main character, Neku. I'm not as anti-social or emo as he is, but we both have the same problem with not being able to "enjoy the moment". For me life is a matter of finding the shortest distance between A and B--- everything which isn't a straight line is simply a waste of effort. I want efficiency, and I want speed. I enjoy the philosophy of enjoying every moment of life, good or bad, and getting all you can out of the experience- it's just something I haven't quite learnt to do.
When I moved away to this university I felt sad for a long time. While I enjoyed getting away from the nightmare that was my parents, I left a lot of things. The possibilities of my future had become limited- before I graduated I could've been ANYTHING, but now I'm going to med school. A shitty 2nd tier med school, at that. See, even now, I don't have many kind things to say about my school. I didn't have fun at all. People were congratulating me on my degree but I felt dirty simply mentioning my university. I dare say 95% of the people out there will simply think I am too entitled and I really need to get over myself- but a few of you will understand what I mean, and how I feel about this situation. It's... difficult to describe, really.
Anyway- I had left behind a school I was proud of, my favourite teacher (who gave me advice on what was best for ME, and only ME), my best friend, and really an entire community of people. I know it sounds kind of cool to be able to rebuild yourself around a new group of people and "start over"--- but I'll tell you what, starting over is only fun if you royally fucked up the first time. If you're like me, who actually did alright and was generally happy with their identity- having to start again is really another crisis in itself.
As you know I dealt with my depressive period by playing A LOT of League of Legends. I don't really regret it, since I met one of my closer friends through LoL- but whilst I was playing LoL I really wasn't responsive to the people who were physically there, with me. Sure I had people to hang out with--- but I always had it in my mind that they weren't "my kind" of people, that we couldn't really get along. I guess it was a self-fulfilling prophecy in the end, since I subsequently lost contact with some of the people I hung out with last year.
Now I've come to realize that I'm still a really lucky person, and that nothing's really changed. I've never thought about it before, but even at this 2nd rate uni, I still have friends. I wrote somewhere that to meet the friends I met in college was something so rare, one would be lucky for it to happen once in a lifetime. I think I'm luckier than most, and once again I've met people who I trust will take good care of me. There's this friend of mine... who surprises me almost every day. Every time I think I've got his personality figured out, he says something which throws me completely off balance. He introduced me to his new flat mate the other day- he'd been talking about this "new boy" for a while now. I wondered for a while why this new boy intrigued him so- and I understood that he wanted me to meet the new boy because the new boy's English was bad but I could speak his native language. When I met his new flat mate I must say the guy was completely underwhelming. A little timid, a little unkempt, and his voice sounded utterly nervous- like he was on the edge of a breakdown. And I recalled what my friend told me- he talked to the new boy because he knew what it was like to be stuck in a foreign country and not speak their language- and he wanted to make him as comfortable as possible. It's a wonder to me, even now, what people do for other people. I didn't think my friend was the extra-bubbly type who volunteers at charity events--- and he's probably not. I guess I was just surprised by... how kind he actually was. We live in a world where kindness is not taken for granted- it's sad, but it also means an act of kindness means a lot more when it does occur.
Then I realized how lucky I was, to have someone like that as a friend. Knowing myself, if some new kid moved into my block I would most likely watch them struggle while I went about my own business. Sure I'd say hi when we brushed past each other--- but I don't think I would go to the length that my friend has gone to. And I wish I was that kind- and so I'll learn from him, and I'll try my best, too.
For someone who spends so much of their time feeling sad, I really am a very lucky person.
Surprise 1: the game is sooo fucking hard. I didn't realize, because I'd clocked so many hours on it and I became obsessive in collecting items/ pins (weapons), that I essentially had a very OP set of everything. As soon as I restarted, I found nearly every single boss fight to be impossibly hard and it took so much more skill than I remembered. What do you mean I have to TIME boss attacks and REACT? Why can't I just finish the boss off in 3 hits or let him hit me for 0 damage?
Anyway despite my complaints I'm now onto the last boss fight of the main storyline... and the game's been getting easier as I go on, because I remember all the little tricks from my previous run so it's been ok. The only thing shitty about today was how my iPad crashed in the middle of the boss fight- but I was knocked back to the beginning of the sequence because I have to fight these 3 figures in a row. That told me that I should probably take a break- but I was kind of mad because I wanted to witness the end of the story once again...
Playing this game has got me thinking again... This isn't one of my fav games because it's simply "fun"--- the storyline was kind of deep. I feel like I'm like the main character, Neku. I'm not as anti-social or emo as he is, but we both have the same problem with not being able to "enjoy the moment". For me life is a matter of finding the shortest distance between A and B--- everything which isn't a straight line is simply a waste of effort. I want efficiency, and I want speed. I enjoy the philosophy of enjoying every moment of life, good or bad, and getting all you can out of the experience- it's just something I haven't quite learnt to do.
When I moved away to this university I felt sad for a long time. While I enjoyed getting away from the nightmare that was my parents, I left a lot of things. The possibilities of my future had become limited- before I graduated I could've been ANYTHING, but now I'm going to med school. A shitty 2nd tier med school, at that. See, even now, I don't have many kind things to say about my school. I didn't have fun at all. People were congratulating me on my degree but I felt dirty simply mentioning my university. I dare say 95% of the people out there will simply think I am too entitled and I really need to get over myself- but a few of you will understand what I mean, and how I feel about this situation. It's... difficult to describe, really.
Anyway- I had left behind a school I was proud of, my favourite teacher (who gave me advice on what was best for ME, and only ME), my best friend, and really an entire community of people. I know it sounds kind of cool to be able to rebuild yourself around a new group of people and "start over"--- but I'll tell you what, starting over is only fun if you royally fucked up the first time. If you're like me, who actually did alright and was generally happy with their identity- having to start again is really another crisis in itself.
As you know I dealt with my depressive period by playing A LOT of League of Legends. I don't really regret it, since I met one of my closer friends through LoL- but whilst I was playing LoL I really wasn't responsive to the people who were physically there, with me. Sure I had people to hang out with--- but I always had it in my mind that they weren't "my kind" of people, that we couldn't really get along. I guess it was a self-fulfilling prophecy in the end, since I subsequently lost contact with some of the people I hung out with last year.
Now I've come to realize that I'm still a really lucky person, and that nothing's really changed. I've never thought about it before, but even at this 2nd rate uni, I still have friends. I wrote somewhere that to meet the friends I met in college was something so rare, one would be lucky for it to happen once in a lifetime. I think I'm luckier than most, and once again I've met people who I trust will take good care of me. There's this friend of mine... who surprises me almost every day. Every time I think I've got his personality figured out, he says something which throws me completely off balance. He introduced me to his new flat mate the other day- he'd been talking about this "new boy" for a while now. I wondered for a while why this new boy intrigued him so- and I understood that he wanted me to meet the new boy because the new boy's English was bad but I could speak his native language. When I met his new flat mate I must say the guy was completely underwhelming. A little timid, a little unkempt, and his voice sounded utterly nervous- like he was on the edge of a breakdown. And I recalled what my friend told me- he talked to the new boy because he knew what it was like to be stuck in a foreign country and not speak their language- and he wanted to make him as comfortable as possible. It's a wonder to me, even now, what people do for other people. I didn't think my friend was the extra-bubbly type who volunteers at charity events--- and he's probably not. I guess I was just surprised by... how kind he actually was. We live in a world where kindness is not taken for granted- it's sad, but it also means an act of kindness means a lot more when it does occur.
Then I realized how lucky I was, to have someone like that as a friend. Knowing myself, if some new kid moved into my block I would most likely watch them struggle while I went about my own business. Sure I'd say hi when we brushed past each other--- but I don't think I would go to the length that my friend has gone to. And I wish I was that kind- and so I'll learn from him, and I'll try my best, too.
For someone who spends so much of their time feeling sad, I really am a very lucky person.
Friday, 29 August 2014
Money; Love; and the Rift in Between.
There's this saying in Chinese- that if you marry someone, it should be 门当户对. What it essentially means, right, is that you marry someone your social class, and your own social situation. Ever since I was very young I've always thought it an unnecessarily arbitrary and somewhat oppressive concept- after all, I had watched too many TV shows which proved that love could overcome everything. As I grew older and grew over tales like Cinderella- I still believed that social class would only be a minor hindrance. Pride and Prejudice became one of my all-time favourites, and I would go on to believe that the whole concept was thought up by the rich so that they stay rich, and that they can continue to oppress the poor.
I've recently changed my mind on the matter, and I have come to agree that yes- you should definitely marry someone suitable of your economic situation.
My psychology textbook stated that people who survive poverty- and by poverty, I mean true poverty- are truly resilient, that they overall become stronger people if they survive the ordeal. What I believe my textbook failed to mention, was that the experience of poverty does more than simply reward you with resilience- it scars you. It scars, and it burns, and the indignity and humiliation you suffered while impoverished are etched into your bones. What you ultimately walk away with, is the rancid stench of fear- fear that you will lose it all, fear that you will fall back to what you have risen from. And this stench labels you- marks you out- no matter what you do in life and where you go.
For the longest time I've had this idea that I wasn't going to be with anyone. I have some major personality deficits which my other oh-so-amiable qualities do not cover. My solution then was to make money- make a shit-ton of money, and the bitches will come to me. If I have to sacrifice my career for monetary gain, at least I can preserve some of my romantic naivety, and believe that I can marry without thought of it being... possibly advantageous. I thought- well, if I just make enough money, then I can really afford to marry whoever I like. Never mind that they don't have a job- never mind that they wait tables for $10 an hour. I can pay for everything. I can afford to send possible children to rich, private schools- and it will work out fine. Our love will make everything alright.
My illusions were shattered very completely, very recently.
I realized that even if your situation in life changes- your propensity to spend doesn't tend to. Even if you had an income of 100k per annum you would spend a good 5min at the bakery, contemplating on whether you should buy a fresh, newly baked loaf or go for the bread that's a day old and $2 cheaper. Then you would pick up the bread that was cheaper, because surely you wouldn't even taste the difference, right?
I think as your economical circumstances change, so do your needs and wants. I imagine I would eventually be at the point where I would like to eat at a proper restaurant once a week for dinner- and I know I would be rightly frustrated if my partner suggested that we get cheap takeaway or eat at the shopping mall food court. It sounds snobbish, doesn't it? It's almost like I can't stand the fact that someone's trying to be frugal. It's not really the case though. What I really can't stand is the fact that our expectations are so different. It's the same way as me never being able to justify spending $5000 on a funny-looking pet fish- so I would probably annoy someone who was that rich, and could afford their pet fish without worry.
Anyway, this is just a massive rant about how my romanticisms were thoroughly destroyed. Like always every opinion is my own. If you disagree feel free to leave a comment, or just stop reading my blog, w/e. Right now I've basically come to the conclusion that fantasies are just fantasies, and if you marry someone who is a lot like yourself- life probably won't be as adventurous or "exciting" but it will definitely save you a lot of grief. I guess what's most important at the end of the day is that two people understand each other, and can accept what they see. I strongly believe a separation by social class and income will render that understanding impossible- and this is the premise to my argument.
Money does spin the world around.
I've recently changed my mind on the matter, and I have come to agree that yes- you should definitely marry someone suitable of your economic situation.
My psychology textbook stated that people who survive poverty- and by poverty, I mean true poverty- are truly resilient, that they overall become stronger people if they survive the ordeal. What I believe my textbook failed to mention, was that the experience of poverty does more than simply reward you with resilience- it scars you. It scars, and it burns, and the indignity and humiliation you suffered while impoverished are etched into your bones. What you ultimately walk away with, is the rancid stench of fear- fear that you will lose it all, fear that you will fall back to what you have risen from. And this stench labels you- marks you out- no matter what you do in life and where you go.
For the longest time I've had this idea that I wasn't going to be with anyone. I have some major personality deficits which my other oh-so-amiable qualities do not cover. My solution then was to make money- make a shit-ton of money, and the bitches will come to me. If I have to sacrifice my career for monetary gain, at least I can preserve some of my romantic naivety, and believe that I can marry without thought of it being... possibly advantageous. I thought- well, if I just make enough money, then I can really afford to marry whoever I like. Never mind that they don't have a job- never mind that they wait tables for $10 an hour. I can pay for everything. I can afford to send possible children to rich, private schools- and it will work out fine. Our love will make everything alright.
My illusions were shattered very completely, very recently.
I realized that even if your situation in life changes- your propensity to spend doesn't tend to. Even if you had an income of 100k per annum you would spend a good 5min at the bakery, contemplating on whether you should buy a fresh, newly baked loaf or go for the bread that's a day old and $2 cheaper. Then you would pick up the bread that was cheaper, because surely you wouldn't even taste the difference, right?
I think as your economical circumstances change, so do your needs and wants. I imagine I would eventually be at the point where I would like to eat at a proper restaurant once a week for dinner- and I know I would be rightly frustrated if my partner suggested that we get cheap takeaway or eat at the shopping mall food court. It sounds snobbish, doesn't it? It's almost like I can't stand the fact that someone's trying to be frugal. It's not really the case though. What I really can't stand is the fact that our expectations are so different. It's the same way as me never being able to justify spending $5000 on a funny-looking pet fish- so I would probably annoy someone who was that rich, and could afford their pet fish without worry.
Anyway, this is just a massive rant about how my romanticisms were thoroughly destroyed. Like always every opinion is my own. If you disagree feel free to leave a comment, or just stop reading my blog, w/e. Right now I've basically come to the conclusion that fantasies are just fantasies, and if you marry someone who is a lot like yourself- life probably won't be as adventurous or "exciting" but it will definitely save you a lot of grief. I guess what's most important at the end of the day is that two people understand each other, and can accept what they see. I strongly believe a separation by social class and income will render that understanding impossible- and this is the premise to my argument.
Money does spin the world around.
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