Letter to my past

-This idea is NOT original by any means, I just thought it was really cool and I wanted to write one.

To my one year old self: whatever I tell you now, it's not like you'll remember because your brain is underdeveloped.

To my two year old self: I don't even remember anything about you so we'll skip this too... and maybe three and four.

To my five year old self: it's not the end of the world that you don't understand subtraction.

To my six year old self: go run around with your friends. Keep climbing that really tall 2m gate. Don't stay home and read/draw because all the adults prefer you to be quiet. Don't worry about the old lady who screams and yells every time she catches you climbing. You can probably out-run her.

To my seven year old self: it's hard to write a story with 50 characters. The teacher doesn't understand how pitiful your vocab is. Don't mind her though, she's really mean. You knew yourself that she was a complete bitch when she forced you to stand for an hour because you forgot your homework. You know that you did your homework, but she wouldn't let you go home and grab it because "then you could just rush your homework in the time you were gone".

Good job on not letting Mum take you to dancing lessons. Those STILL sound gay as hell. But please sharpen your pencils- trying to "save" is not a virtue in our capitalist society. Mum WILL buy you a new pencil if you complain enough. If you don't sharpen your pencil Mum's gonna send you to calligraphy classes to fix your handwriting, when really it's your pencil that needed sharpening. Also, don't throw a tantrum when she wants you to take piano lessons- I know you thought that piano lessons meant sitting in a class with 40 other people (like school), and that frightened the shit out of your fucked up introverted self, but it's actually ok. Piano is cool.

To my eight year old self: I know that one time you got 83 for your maths homework was devastating (B grade, oh no) but it's really ok. You never got below 95 for any exam. Yeah I know you missed out on your grade award because you got a C in physical education- but did you realize nobody else was disappointed and nobody gave a shit? Stop trying to be such a good student, stop trying to please the teachers you actually really, really hate. Their praise isn't worth it. Go out and run around more, really. It'd help with your physical education class if you could actually catch any of the kids in tag.

To my nine year old self: don't bother making friends- you won't keep them for long. It's lonely as fuck, I know. It's ok, you learn incredibly quickly, because you're actually some kind of a genius, ya know? You're going to embarrass yourself, and people are going to make fun of you WITHOUT you embarrassing yourself. Don't worry about them, because last thing I heard about the kid who made fun of you- he went to court and ended up in gaol. Yeeeah.

Also your neighbour's kids are assholes- you don't need their approval. The kid who throws temper tantrums is probably the most tolerable one of them all, in the end.

To my ten year old self: enjoy the best year in your life, for many years to come.

To my eleven year old self: you've lost all the friends you had in the previous year. Three of them graduated and the other one is now too cool to hang out with you. You're going to spend a looooot of time playing catch with your friend's little brother or sitting in the shade playing clapping games with the girls. Life is stale, but I hope you appreciate those people around you.

To my twelve year old self: there's literally nothing to worry about- don't stress even though your parents are stressing the fuck out of you by telling you, "it's ok if you don't make it". It's that look in their eyes that totally betrays them, and you know they bet their entire life on your success. That school you're desperately trying to get into- it wasn't even that fucking great. No, don't join their shitty band- it doesn't even compare.

To my thirteen year old self: see, I told you you'd make it. Yeah, it totally sucks that you have no idea how to do assignment or w/e- don't worry about it, really. English is your favourite class, despite what people say, Embrace it. Also, that guy who's your best friend- it's not going to stay that way for long. Stop being so clingy, he needs space to socialize with other people, too. You should go hang out with other people, as well.

Also yeah your French teacher is terrible, I know. It's alright, you have very little interest in learning French, after all.

To my fourteen year old self: I know your best friend has left you to be best friends with someone else- don't bother saving that train wreck of a friendship. You'll still talk to him after- but he's not the biggest part of your life, you know. He's failing class, he can't finish his assignments, and he wants someone who fails classes with him, not someone who tries to salvage everything like you. It's alright, get over it.

I know I told you to quit the stupid band- but you didn't because I can't change the past. Actually, it good that you didn't because band camp was the best camp. In terms of school... yeah don't worry about your English teacher. He knows what he's talking about but he doesn't know how to teach. He kind of just shits on your essay without telling you HOW to write an essay. Not cool, I know. Also your sociology teacher IS completely terrible despite being "fun", so don't bother arguing with her about your grades. Grades aren't a thing, ok? You scored top marks in the only assessment item- and she tells you you're on a B because you lacked in "class participation". If that's not some next lv bullshit then idk what is. I know it irks you when your straight A's are ruined... but it's alright.

To my fifteen year old self: see, you have other friends now. You're doing the courses you want and yeah it's really fun. English is still your favourite class despite having it ruined by the teacher. Never mind. School is actually a fun kind of place, isn't it?

You hate your Dad? Don't worry, I did too. I still do. The good news is, in the future, it's all going to go away. You only have to see him 3 times a year, for short periods of time.

To my sixteen year old self: that person who hangs around you all the time- yeah, yeah they like you. They're the only person who put up with all your flaws, all at once, you know. Yeah, I know you don't like them back, but it's alright. Just be kind. It's rare to find someone who is so accepting of who you are, though. You're probably still stressed because you want straight A's on your report again, and you're learning to write in-class essays, right? Did you know that in the future, you'd trade all your high school grades just so you could go back in time, and apologize to them for being such a dick?

You got 100% on that final maths test, for what it's worth. You beat that girl that everyone was talking about. You enjoy the attention, the looks of admiration on their faces. And you know what, in a few years you'd remember, and you'd trade it all away in a heartbeat, just for a chance to say, "I'm so sorry."

To my seventeen year old self: life sucks, I know. Don't worry, you didn't become terrible at maths all of a sudden. You just need to do your maths homework every single night now. It's painful, but it's manageable. Don't study Chinese at school- it's a painful class- learn some Japanese or Korean instead- it's not like you cared if you failed. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by what you're good at, in school. Please don't give up on organic chem- also, go to that after-school chemistry class that all your friends are doing- it'd help with your grades a lot more than taking two courses of maths. You have to study more, but the friends are worth it.

To my eighteen year old self: are you coping with your depression? Blogging is a viable strategy, you know. I'm still blogging, right now. Your life is filled with wonderful- truly wonderful people. You are so lucky to have met who you have met. I know life wears you down- don't come home after school. Go do your work at a public library, or just find a table anywhere. That "home" will drive you insane.

Don't try faking your uni interviews at the end of the year. Just be who you are- the one where you stopped trying to cover is the one where it actually worked out.

Do NOT, I repeat, do NOT go to the end of year formal. You always knew it was a terrible idea, so don't do it. Doesn't matter if your best friend begs, doesn't matter if everyone says it's going to be fun. You will NOT regret not attending, but you will if you do. Don't go. Apologize later, but don't go.

To my nineteen year old self: see, life did get better. You'll be totally okay with living on your own, you know. You're a lot more capable than you give yourself credit for, and you adapt surprisingly well. I know you didn't really end up where you wanted, you lost your friends all over again for the nth time, but it's better than "home", right? We all make sacrifices in life, and deep down you know that one was worth it. Accept the consequences of your choices- you know you chose it in the end, so bite down and struggle on.

I know you think LoL is salvation because the loneliness and isolation gnaws your bones- and yes, do the play the game, but man you fucking suck at it. All that time you invested into rhythm games and JRPGs doesn't translate well into LoL. Doesn't matter, play it so you can spend time with your friends, don't play it to "improve", because that's stupid as hell and it's not your life's ambition. The reason your friends care about the game so much is because it's the only thing they're good at- they're too used to failing all the things that are held valuable by society (ability to socialize, good grades, good jobs), so they want to show off how good they are at LoL. You're not like them- you're one of those "elite" figures who made it through all the hurdles of societal expectation. Don't let anyone rip away your values.

You're a lot better at studying than you are at playing LoL, so when you sort out your loneliness crisis, go back to your books. Learn something, give it your best shot.

To myself, now: there are all these things you (and I) know that you should do, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Doesn't matter, move on. Remember all those times you fucked up in the past, so you can remember to be kind in the future. Be honest about your desires- there's nothing to be ashamed of. Forget your pride once in a while, but never surrender it. Take all the enjoyment you can out of this unsatisfactory life of yours, and maybe we can hope for better.