I want to go out

I don't know if it's the attempt at studying that's driving me mad or whether it's something else, but over the past few days I've had these impulses to go to the beach or go to the countryside. As much of a shit-hole as the current city I reside in is, it is still a city, with traffic and noise and busy people. I feel like I just need to get away for a while.

All my life I've planned on working in an air-conditioned office, swirling in an expensive office-chair and making a minimum of 6 figures per annum. I've set myself up for that kind of white-collar stereotype- I've noticed that I'm beginning to look it. My skin is getting really pale because I haven't been in the Sun for longer than 2 hours a week, I have no muscle bulk because I do no physical exercise, and I'm sweating just to carry 5kg of groceries for 20 minutes. I think I'm going to need glasses if I stare at my computer screen or notes any longer... and then I'd have hit the epitome of hard-working-Asian-with-no-social-life.

It's a miracle that I'm not overweight- it really is. I eat so poorly it's stupid. I should know what the recommended nutritional values are, but I don't, because they keep changing and I just didn't bother remembering. I was cleaning up my room and found that my bin was stuffed full with empty cans of soft-drink: God knows how many of those I've been drinking. It's because they keep me awake at night- I know I should be aiming to sleep early, but when you have an early tutorial the next morning and a lot of unfinished notes to write, it's far better to just soldier on. Sleep has never been a priority in my life- and I can't deny that it makes me burn out a lot quicker.

Right now it's not so much about burning out though. I don't really feel "burnt" at all. Unlike other semesters where I feel like I'm stretched thin, about the snap at any time- this round I feel more... lost? I don't really feel that stressed, but then I feel stressed about not feeling stressed, because stress is my biggest motivator. I can't properly explain it- I don't wake up in the morning feeling lethargic, but I arrive there by the end of the day, despite doing nothing at all.

I think some fresh air and a change of scenery will do me some good. I'd like to go travelling with a friend at the end of the year- just bring a small suitcase, my wallet, hop on a train and go where-ever, but my boss from work just called asking me if I can work this Christmas. I felt really tempted to decline this year, because my holidays are substantially shorter, but whoaaaa not after I blew my savings on a gaming laptop, holy fuck. I was saving up for a car, and if I do work this holidays then I should finally have the money.

Alright, I should get back to reading about the "theories of depression". Goddamn studying is like getting fucked in the ass, there's nothing you can do but bite the pillow and take it. Nevertheless, 16 days til freedom. I can do it.