I despise myself at times. So often I say things which I don't really mean, and hurt people I dearly cherish. Then there are times when certain words need to be said, and my mouth is sealed shut while my heart races at a hundred and twenty beats per minute. It's a wonder how I can carelessly blurt out certain things but at other times stay so quiet and still.
Often times I find that I leave myself trapped in situations where I feel immensely distressed- then I proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. I continue with life best as I can, and hope that the problem will one day solve itself. I've become the kind of person I really hate.
How do we do anything in this world? Why is there no teacher other than the experience of failure? We all try so hard, after all, to reach the goal in a straight line- and so many of us crash and fall- some of us may rise again. With so many precedents before me though, surely of those I can find a single route, convoluted or not, to take me to where I'd like to be, without hurting myself in the process. I don't understand why "no pain no gain" is so widely accepted and acknowledged as a truth- the aim of the game should be to gain WITHOUT pain. Only losers make fair trades in this world and believe in equivalent exchange.
As you can see Full Metal Alchemist was NOT my favourite anime ever.
Still, I've been struggling lately. I get frustrated at certain things that don't deserve my frustration, I find myself distracted all too often, by really- nothing in particular. There are just so many things I want to do and so many things I'd rather not do- so I end up not really doing either, but somewhere in the pile of things I've neglected are tasks which demand to be completed. As a consequence I often find myself sleep-deprived, hungry, and very, very lethargic. Then I make an effort to take care of myself and it's alright again, if only for a short while- before everything starts sliding down the drain and I become submerged once more.
I don't really know how long I can keep this up, but for what it's worth the year's almost over, I've kept up with assessments and I have nothing to do but focus on my exams. If I pass, it will have been a huge achievement for me. I can rip myself a new page and start fresh next year... but right now, I'm just trying to haul myself one stretch further.
Was life always this laborious? Will I ever live to see the start of my glory days, or am I spending my glory days now as one would spend their time in hell?
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