Reflections

Ever had that weird moment, where all of a sudden you find yourself in a different time frame and you think to yourself, "what the fuck am I doing?" Eh, that's how I feel anyway. I was reading Madame Bovary, an English text I was suppose to have finished eons ago. I was beginning to despair today, as I still had roughly half the book to go. I had resolved to read what I can, and I was rewarded by the discovery that at least 1/3 of the book was composed of essays and various comments about the book. Knowing that the end was near, I had eagerly devoured each line with my eyes, skimming over the frivolous descriptions of various people and things. You cannot imagine my relief as I read the last line- I thought the ending was rather sad. Yeah, I suppose that's not a very acceptable comment in academic terms; I cannot imagine telling my teacher "I thought ending was rather sad."

Speaking of teachers, I'm starting to feel a little sorry for my psychology teacher. Despite being fascinated by the subject, I'm not paying much attention in class. I accept any given information blindly, not bothering to work my brain into an analysis or to think critically. I guess it was just... too much effort. I'm going to fail the class, I'm quite aware of that. After my zero input of effort... it can't end too well. I rushed a report the night before it was due, and I've been falling asleep in class after the first week...

And being the fortunate person I am, I seem to have stumbled upon a responsible teacher who legitimately cares for his students. The look of concern and disappointment he shot at me worries me a little, as it betrays the expectations he might have had of me- and I feel guilty, to put it plainly. However, it does not mean I'll start putting in effort now- I have no talent for the subject, despite my liking for it. I just feel rather uncomfortable when I receive sympathy due to being judged as a borderline failure. My over-inflated ego screams at me: "SHOW HIM WHAT YOU CAN DO. SMASH THE FINALS WITH A 90+" but the rest of me is feeling so tired and withdrawn I wish I could abandon school altogether.

I feel like going on a trip or something. I'd like to drive with a bunch of friends down to the beach- any beach, as long as it's not one of those beaches where there are "more dead birds than there are grains of sand", as described by a friend of mine. It'd be nice, sitting in a car for a couple of hours, appreciating the scenery and blasting loud music like the obnoxious teenagers we are.

I wish my life had a fast-forward button. I could use a holiday.