The more difficult aspects of life

Whilst chemistry marks are not worth stressing over- especially since there is nothing I can do to change it now- my parents are a different matter. Though I accept their absurdity as another daily nuisance I must endure, sometimes it gets a little overwhelming and I start feeling like I'd like to smash someone's face with a brick and watch the blood splatter everywhere. 


I come home, feeling down from my exams, and my father, being the creative person he is, asks me what classes I've had today. AS IF HE'S NEVER ASKED THAT BEFORE. It really, really gets on my nerves, when he asks me what classes I have each day, to start a conversation. There is literally nothing to talk about between us, apart from school--- yet he decides to bring up school by asking what classes I've had. I HAVE THE SAME FUCKING CLASSES ALL YEAR. I HAVE A TIMETABLE. WHY DON'T YOU GO READ THAT IF YOU CARE SO MUCH.

You might think that's a little OTT, how I place myself in an uncontrollable fit of anger over such a small matter. Too bad I cannot mimic the tone of someone's voice through a blog post. It is not just what he asks, it is the way in which he asks. It pisses me off. It's this gruffy, demanding voice, asking--- not, I shouldn't say asking, because he wasn't really asking. Though the sentence is in question form, the way in which it was expressed told me that he expected no legitimate answer, and he was saying something for the sake of saying something. Yet when I make no reply at all, he gets angry at me.

So every time, I give the same reply, "I have all of my classes today."

He pauses, not knowing what to say next. I make no attempt at conversation, because I fucking hate speaking to my father. Every time I try I just land myself in a dark pit of ceaseless anger and agony. However, I could not escape his presence, as it was near dinner time and I had no reason to return to my room. He then proceeds to ask (actually asking this time): "So, do you still take 2 lines of maths?"

I cringed on the inside, and I'm sure my expression gave it away. YES I FUCKING STILL TAKE 2 LINES OF MATHS- I JUST HAD EXAMS FOR THEM. Oh wait- he wouldn't know because he decided to annoy the fuck out of me when I was trying to study.

After dinner Mum made me wash the dishes- you know what? That's COMPLETELY FINE. Yet the way she said it, as if it were some sort of punishment, like she was jeering at the fact that I had to do the dishes- the way she looked at me--- like, what the fuck was that for? Then Dad, freed from his chore, moves straight to his computer and starts wasting time. That's what I do- except at least I TAKE THE DISHES TO THE SINK AND PUSH THE CHAIR IN. The one time I forgot to do so, my Mother made such a fuss out of it, IN FRONT OF STRANGERS.

*I leave the table*
"Hey, where do you think you're going?"
"....Back to my room?"
"Come back here, and clean up your own rubbish. You're almost a uni student, and you still do irresponsible stuff like this- why can't you learn? Why do you never think of other people?"

...I forgot ONCE, ffs.

Then the stranger at the table says something like, "Oh don't worry, my children are the same too. " They then proceed to compare me to the stranger's children, completely ignoring my presence. Wonderful.
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You know what? Fuck this. My parents want me to change in a way that is essentially no longer me. They might as well FIND ANOTHER PERSON. " Be better at maths, better at English--- why are you failing chemistry? Look at your friend, she's FIRST in chemistry- when are you going to come first, huh? Maybe you shouldn't spend all your time gaming- why can't you study? Look at this other person: his entrance score is going to be 99.95- what's yours, barely 98? And remember that girl whose father is friends with your father? Her entrance score was 99.95 too--- AND she got a scholarship in med school. What about you? Would you look at yourself? You're so fat and lazy- why don't you exercise so you don't become obese?"

...Firstly, I'd like to say that I'm nowhere near obese. I'd be fat if compared to one of those magazine models, but otherwise, I'm FINE.

Secondly, it's not like I don't want high scores. Though 98 is not quite as good as 99.95, I'M SURE I'LL LIVE. Dad's main concern is that I won't become a doctor- whilst I do like the money and prestige that comes with being a doctor- there has to be more important aspects than that. Yet that is all Dad ever mentions. He says I don't try hard enough-- I don't try hard enough BECAUSE I FORESEE FAILURE. Dad likes to say that if I don't try, I have NO chance of succeeding, and though I may fail if I try, at least I've tried.

...Well I'd just like to say, from my perspective, that's just STUPID. Sure, trying's great- but what if I don't want to succeed at whatever the fuck it is? What if I don't care? If failure is the final outcome- then investment of effort just implies a greater loss, doesn't it? It's just that everyone grasps onto that stubborn dream of "succeeding", so nonsensical philosophies such as "try your best every time" exist. WHY would you bother trying your best, if the outcome is inconsequential?
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 I suppose I am being a hypocrite for being angry at such comparisons between myself and others. Maybe I learnt it off my parents, but I compare them to other peoples' parents, too. Since high school I've wondered- why can't I have $20 per week for pocket money? How come I don't get my own bank account, with my parents making constant deposits into it? (And when I do get my own bank account with my own money, Dad decides to be a douchebag anyway) Why don't my parents give me parties?

See, when I was 10 or 11- I wanted a birthday party. My parents were too poor or something- and it seems I've always been fortunate enough to have good friends- my friend offered to get $10 to buy food for my party. It's laughable now, but I guess $10 was a lot for our age, back then. I was over at her house then- and I overheard her Mum saying, "Why can't...parents...pay for own party? ...Ridiculous...Not our child... Not our responsibility. I'm... not going to give money." My friend ran out crying afterwards, apologising to me. I think I should have been the one apologising to her.
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And my Mother walks into my room just then, dumping her homework on me. Great, as if I don't have work of my own. I told her about it- and she blamed me for everything. "YOU'VE BEEN OUT EVERY NIGHT, WHOSE FAULT IS IT THAT YOU HAVEN'T DONE HOMEWORK IN A WEEK? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH YOUR TIME? I DON'T SEE YOU DOING WORK."


I want to throw something made of glass against the wall- watch the shards splatter across the floor.


I don't blame them for making the day of my actual birthday FUCKING MISERABLE. I thought of it as a conglomeration of unfortunate events- but no, it was more than that. Not once did they say happy birthday- which is fine, I don't really care. I didn't get a present- that's fine too. They took me to a dinner I'd rather not be at, lectured me on my own birthday and complained about the price of the food. Okay, whatever. I organized my own party, tried to figure out ways to get around the financial difficulties- first step towards independence, right? 


...Yet to have all that crashing back- having someone tell me that I've been wasting my time when I just wanted a fucking 18th birthday- ERGH. All because she wanted me to do her stupid fucking homework- which isn't my responsibility. I didn't even complain about it- she told me that what I wrote was too short and I just copied information- why does she expect me to know? So what if I borrowed the information? It's not my homework now, is it?


Then she decided to have a few words about how I don't manage my time well enough, and how I come back all depressed when I don't do well in my exams- OH I WONDER WHY I DON'T DO WELL. I HEAR OTHER PARENTS LEAVE THEIR KIDS ALONE WHEN IT'S EXAM WEEK- IN FACT, I HEAR THAT OTHER PARENTS DON'T TREAT THEIR KIDS LIKE TRASH.
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God save me, I think I'm going to murder someone.