Perhaps I should give you some context. It might not take much to guess that I was playing LoL again last night. You might have gathered by now, that I am by no means a gaming prodigy and that I do not have the skills of a professional player, though it is one of the many things I want in life. I thought I was slowly improving though, which contributed to my positive experience of the game- because I was able to play with friends who I couldn't physically see, and meet with someone who is now quite important to me, but I might have never conversed with otherwise.
Ah- alright, I'll get to the point. I was playing with 2 other friends last night, and we had 2 other random people to form a 5 player team. Then I started getting harassed by random player 1, because I was pulling the team's leg by sucking at the game. I didn't think something so stupid would get to me- because let's face it, I've faced assholes online since I started playing Runescape almost 10 years ago. Yet in the end, it did. Not that I reacted much in game- in fact I pretty much said nothing and continued playing, because I'm too old to be swearing back over chat to a stranger who I met 15min ago.
Random player 1 never ceased swearing at me- and it got to random player 2, who gave up playing altogether, though it was still early in the game, because I died too many times. I was feeling pretty annoyed inside, too- thinking inside, "and this is why I hate playing with randoms over the internet". Though funnily enough, it was my own friend who dealt the cutting blow- he told me that it was me who practically threw the game, and that if I didn't suck so much the other two random players wouldn't have given up, and that we could've easily won. That was when I started reacting- it's not like I expected him to defend me in game, because I understand how embarrassing it'd be for him, to admit that this shitass player was in fact his friend. I told him that I wasn't a professional player, that while I am playing quite a bit, I have other priorities in life and that I am playing this game for fun.
We surrendered that game at the earliest mark you could surrender- I would've liked to keep playing, but the two random players had too much fun swearing at me, and my friends couldn't be bothered when the whole thing had turned out this way. As we organised the next game, my friend told me I should practice on bots (AI opponents) to learn the game, and that he himself practised many times before he decided to battle against real people. This was when my inner fuse blew, and I retorted that I am not going to make gaming a chore for myself, that I play games to relax, and if I wanted to spend effort concentrating I'd go back to my work. We got caught in quite a tangle there, and my friend decided that I just didn't understand the competitiveness in LoL, and that LoL wasn't the right game and I shouldn't be playing--- then he told me I should go play Farmville or something.
I'm dying on the inside
Now, if this was an inspirational movie, you'd expect me to secretly practice every night and come back at world-champion level, and tell all those people who looked down on me to go fuck themselves, right? Except this isn't an inspirational movie, this is my own life. Now that I've written it all out, I figure: I'm not upset by the fact that I'm bad at playing LoL. I'm upset by what I conceive as a betrayal by my friend. It's hard for me to get over because I have trouble forgiving people, and even when I do forgive I never forget. I was just caught off-guard by the complete maliciousness of a stranger- because I haven't had that happen to me in quite a long time- and then subsequently wounded by the words of my own friend.
I guess it's ironic in a way that I pissed off my best friend recently by commenting "nice miss" while playing LoL with her. Back then I could not understand why she'd be upset over such a simple comment, but maybe now I can understand better. Well, I still can't sympathize with how seriously people take this game, but now at the very least, I realize that only those people who you care about hurt you.
I've decided to take a break from LoL for now. It sounds like I'm rage quitting, doesn't it? In a way, I guess I am. I don't really know how to face my friends playing LoL, because last night was a wake up call for me. I suck at the game, but I'm unwilling to practice to make myself better--- and I didn't realize this, but my friends who care a lot more about the game probably felt obliged to play with me- and it must've annoyed them a great deal how I was on the team. I should let them get on with what they're doing.
Taking a step back, I can see that my best friend aside, the rest of my LoL friends and I are actually very different people. For various reasons we have become friends, but we fundamentally live in two different worlds. I do not believe in investing solid effort into a game, because a game is just a game for me- but they believe otherwise. When you come down to it--- since I'm not a gaming prodigy, I guess I will never be as good as them at playing LoL, because I simply refuse to play as much or as often as they do.
This whole time though, I've been comparing myself towards everyone else on the scale of LoL-skills. Hah, as if that was what truly mattered. I'm forgetting that my own existence is something remarkable. All that stuff about being clever, good looking and generally charming aside--- when I'm distressed, I write massive blog posts analyzing my own mood and why I'm feeling a certain way. That's kinda cool, right?
Well now, since I've just decided LoL isn't worth my time- I guess I'll go study about liver metabolism instead. At least studying is something I'm naturally better at than most people.
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