Casual Scrabble

I've been alright at Scrabble against my friends- until yesterday. I asked a friend who I had never played against before to verse me, and I got destroyed by about 80 points. Actually, that's not too bad, since I was about to play my "Q" for 60 points... So I only lost by about 2 turns... But I've never lost at Scrabble that hard. It was probably one of the most infuriating games ever.

To start off with, my tiles were generally crap. Stuff like "LULUDRR" was not very attractive. But that's okay, because there's no way I could get crappy hands ALL game. EXCEPT MY OPPONENT SEALED OFF THE BOARD. She's one of those people who'd make more than one word at once to get more points--- and that's fine, but at some point it just closes the board off, until all you can do is add an "s" to the end of a word if you're lucky. And then we have this giant block of letters in one corner of the board, with a v protruding and no way to continue unless someone makes a 8 point move to open the board. Except none of us wanted to relent.

So yeah I lost pitifully because I had the wrong tiles at the wrong time. Most of the hands I had weren't that bad, but the board was atrocious. Then of course I had those pitiful hands where I'd consider it an achievement if I scored over 10 points.

Anyway, because of the sore loser I am, I demanded an immediate rematch. And my opening hand... no vowels. Alright, since it's the opening hand, I guess I'll just swap some tiles... Swap 3 tiles--- for 2 of the letters I swapped, I get back exactly what I threw out. And the last one? A "y". I guess that's... useful. 

I can see my second worst game ever coming up...

Real Life Sucks

I received this giant envelope through the mail today- and I was mildly excited before I opened it and revealed its contents. It was just a giant stash of paperwork regarding enrollment and whatnot. It was a painful reminder of real life- I'd forgotten about the need to go to university, and I was content to spend my days idling.

So I grab a pen, and try to crunch through the paperwork. Usually if I find enough motivation to start, it turns out alright. Except this time I fell flat after writing out my name in squigglier-than-usual-lines. My inner voice is crying "I don't want to do this" and I'm quite inclined to just drop everything and roll back into bed. 

I can feel my internal stress-o-meter building as I get closer and closer to the start of the term. Housing, packing, travel, enrollment--- oh gawd. I have a vague idea of what I'd like to take with me--- but I feel so horrible leaving all my books behind--- half of which I haven't bothered to read. I feel like I should just kick myself into a frantic reading mode, and finish reading everything so that I'd have no regrets. But if I start to read--- what am I going to do about all my games, which I haven't had a chance to properly play yet? *horror break down*

I remember wanting to fast-forward through college, because college was hard and painful- and now I feel like I'd love to fast-forward through my university years because I no longer give a shit about the student life. I've tasted how good it is to have a job--- you go to work day after day, and fairly soon it becomes routine- you get paid, so you always have some money to spend, and you don't have to worry about whether a $10 dollar meal is going to leave you enough money to buy yourself a pen to use for the next exam. As soon as you get home there are no obligations, no left-over work, and you can play games til you drop without thinking about your next exam, essay or seminar--- and there's no ongoing revision. Well, I'm not saying that's the case with every job, but even if you have to work overtime at least you get overtime pay... No one is going to pay you for overtime study or high grades...

I still think being good at school is so horribly overrated. Wish I was good at sport or something you can show off without seeming like too much of an asshole... See if I kick a goal in say, soccer, people would be like, "OH ZOMG THAT'S AMAZING", but if I get straight A's it's like, "well fuck you you're Asian you probably study all day and have no life".   

I remembered my friend asking me, "what would you like to do in life, if there was NOTHING stopping you? Say you wanted to be a singer and your voice wasn't an issue (oi, real subtle there, by the way)" What did I answer her? I said I wanted to sit at home and make money off stocks (because skill wasn't the issue, right?), then I'd free up my time to read, drink tea and walk around beaches like I've always wanted. It's like... I want retirement before I've even finished schooling.

If only there was such a profession which guaranteed happiness for life, and there was a course which could get me into it. I hear that doctors and teachers are the two professions which score high on "self-satisfaction"--- I can only hope that it means it'll make me a happier person, as opposed to something which takes my ego up for another hike. Though I suppose my ego is inclined to do that regardless...

Well, there's not much more I feel like saying, but I just thought I'd draw your attention to the poll I put up. It's on the front page of this blog in the top right corner. It's something I've always wanted to know, because seeing my view count go up each day is a little unreal. I'm suspecting that someone's just twitching their fingers and hitting F5 on my page for whatever reason... at least it makes me feel good. So uh, if you had the patience and time to read up to this point, you can definitely spend another 5 seconds and vote to sate my curiosity. That is all.

Ace Attorney

Last night I started playing the first Ace Attorney game again, because I vaguely remembered that the last case of the game was my favorite case of all time. If you haven't heard of Ace Attorney before--- it's essentially a game where you play as a defense lawyer, and try to find flaws in witness testimonies which damage your client.

I still remember my first play through (what happened, who the murderer was in the end), but I had forgotten all the finer details. The fact that I remembered what to do most of the time gave me a lot more room to observe--- and I have to say I hated it. During court, I kept on thinking "wtf is wrong with this judge, is he retarded", and was reminded of this article I had read, which said that it was insanely easy to become a judge in a local court- no qualifications required, only need to take a multiple choice test--- which can be retaken as many times as you like. I hope that article was a fake, since I read it on an entertainment website. Otherwise... my faith in humanity has been lost again.

Then there were the witnesses in that game. OMFG THE STUPID FUCKING WITNESSES. They made me so mad. Most of the time they forgot some crucial detail about the crime--- and then the rest of the time THEY JUST BLATANTLY LIED. Then in the end it's like, "oh dayum, I guess I didn't see the murder happen at all, but I just thought it'd be cool to be a witness". Made me want to strangle something, because that witness had spent so long trying to accuse someone of murder- when it had nothing to do with them.

Yeah yeah, I know that I'm getting super-worked up about this game, and it's just a game--- but sometimes it horrifies me to think that this probably happens a fair bit in real life. You think it's all exaggerated--- but it isn't unlikely at all that the witness will forget what they saw, and invent something in its place. After studying the nature of memory in a psychology class, and watching 12 Angry Men, I'm a little scared by the whole idea of witnesses...

Ehh, I'll get over it. It's just a game. Too bad I've grown all pedantic about games since I last played--- maybe I was just in a better mood two years ago (I wouldn't be surprised). I'll be looking forward to the new Ace Attorney release though. 

Currently bored

Boredom is perhaps one of my most familiar feelings- and it's also one of the worst. I'm sitting in front of a perfectly good computer- fully functional- connected to the internet at a game-playable speed--- and I'm bored. I have the sequel to a good book which I've just finished reading, but I have left it lying on my bed after only a few chapters. My art book still has many unfilled pages, and I have the right sort of pencils and pens to draw whatever I want--- but I don't want to.

My 3DS? Well, I'm bored of Kingdom Hearts even though I must say it's a good game- and I just don't have enough will power to keep on grinding through Pokemon Black 2. Every single goddamn battle bores me, and makes me wish I could escape. I don't just mean trainer battles, either--- wild encounters with pokemon, too. I mean, I could spray some repel and stay out of the trainers' line of sight--- but then, why the fuck am I playing this game? For the story? Pokemon stories are horrible. If I wanted a story in a game, I'd just read a goddamn book. Sure, a good story always makes a game amazing (Devil Survivor 1 and 2, TWEWY etc.), but it's just not an expectation of mine. I play games because I want to mindlessly kill some monsters for a couple of hours- not because I care about what one character has to say about another.

Now I'm sort of playing with the corner of my Japanese textbook, pretending to study but really I'm just typing this blog post. I'm having great difficulty saying "160 yen" in Japanese, for some reason, and I feel a little self-conscious repeating "toire wa doko desuka" (where is the toilet) to myself. But hey, it's one of the most important phrases if I ever want to go to Japan, right? Though I assume they'd have English signs pointing to places...

You know, in my opinion, it's kind of pointless learning to say stuff like "my name is" and "how are you" when you start a new language. My list of "things that should be taught first" would include:
-Go fuck yourself
-Where is the toilet
-Please feed me
-I find you attractive
-I want to have sex with you
-----------and lastly but perhaps most importantly:
 -I want a discount

Well, what could possibly go wrong, after you have the above terms under your belt? I'm sure there's an appropriate response for every situation in there somewhere...

And thus, my boredom is alleviated.

The Beautiful Weather

There was a thunderstorm last night, and that crashed the summer temperature right down--- and I loved it. See I like summer because it's not winter, but other than that I have nothing positive to say about it. I hate sweating, I hate feeling I'm overheating (because then I can't think properly), I hate all the bugs that come with summer, I hate how the temperature causes all my electronic appliances (and I have a lot) to burn, and I hate driving around in the car. Our house doesn't even have air conditioning.

Autumn would be nice--- I can start wearing long-sleeved shirts and jeans again. The only thing I like about summer is how I can wear shorts. That's about it. I don't know why, but shorts just seem to give me a sense of freedom. Oh gawd, I sound like that creepy youngster in Pokemon, don't I?

Anyway, it's no longer stinking hot, and I wish the temperature would stay at 20 degrees, permanently. It'd be kinda cool if it rained again- last night when the rain fell, the wind blew it all against my window, and my window got a good clean. Now if only the dried spider carcasses weren't trapped in my window, I'd be thrilled.

The Meaning of "Aishiteru"

For the longest time I've known that "aishiteru" means "I love you" in Japanese. Recently I watched some romance-based anime--- and the furthest the characters ever got to saying "I love you" is "suki", which I thought translated into "like". Now I know there exists no such thing as a perfect translation, because everything's dependent on cultural context--- but still, it confused me quite a bit. If "suki" is strong enough to represent love, then what does "aishiteru" mean?

The faceless people on the internet tells me that "aishiteru" is never used to express love because it's so strong, and it's not in the nature of the modest Japanese to openly voice their love. Apparently shouting out "I LOVE YOU" is only prominent in Western cultures. I guess that explanation makes sense. It turns out "aishiteru" means real devotion- something you'd say to your wife after you've been married for 10 years. When I think about it, "aishiteru" seems to be a frightening expression.

Then I turn on my music player, and I hear Super Junior K.R.Y. singing "tada aishiteruuuuuuuu~~~" and I'm like, "oh gawd." But yeah, I'm glad I looked up the context for "aishiteru", otherwise it'd be really awkward.

See, I'm one of those people who say "I love you" quite a bit, but I will actually never mean it. It's as casual as saying "hi" and "bye". When I want to show genuine affection, the furthest I'd go is "like". I like you. I mean, a genuine "I love you" sounds super scary. I don't want to commit--- gawwwd, what if we break up after 20 minutes? I'm too young for dedication.

...Anyway, as you can see, my Japanese is coming along. Yes, that's what this post is about.

My Pocket Watch

The pocket watch I bought off eBay came through the mail today. I guess there was no reason to buy a pocket watch, especially since I have 2 wrist watches and a phone- but I bought it because I'm bad at managing my money. This is probably why I complain about being broke so often...

The only thing which is special about this pocket watch is that it has a picture of Allen Walker from DGM the actual watch face. And no, before you condemn me, it's not a peel-off sticker. The image is actually behind the glass--- I know I'm essentially paying for that 37mm diameter image, but I have no regrets when I hold it in my hands.

I have the temptation to engrave my name on there--- not in hope that someone will return it to me if I drop it, but at least it'd demotivate anyone from keeping it- if they picked it up. The only thing stopping me from engraving is my suspicion that the metal watch case is iron, and if I engrave it I will obviously pierce through the silver coating and expose the iron. Now I never paid much attention in chemistry, but I did spend a good 3 weeks learning about the fact that iron corrodes in the presence of oxygen and water.

It's a shame- I'll probably scratch this watch in many places, because I"m generally careless- and then my efforts gone into not-engraving my pocket watch will be wasted anyway. Oh well, at least I'm happy, at this particular moment in time.

Bic For Her

During my break at work the other day, I went into a store to buy some pens. When I came back my co-worker noticed my newly purchased Bic pens, and informed me of a product called "Bic For Her". Now I was thoroughly confused, and asked, "what's wrong with it?" He then explained that it was meant to be marketed towards women, so they named their product "Bic For Her", except it totally didn't work out. He quoted one of the consumers of the product, "No wonder I was never good at writing! It turns out I've been using a man's pen all this time!"

Because I have a bit of spare time on my hand, I've decided to read the product reviews on amazon. I'm laughing so hard it hurts. 

"As a trained psychologist, I know there comes a time in every woman's life where she looks over at the man next to her and realizes she doesn't have his pens. This psychotextual trauma is unfortunately uncurable. That is, until now! Ladies, Freud was a Fraud! There IS hope, a cure for Pens Envy!"

I've never been so thoroughly amused by the idea of gender-specific items before. Though it does inspire some thought- perhaps there are already a lot of things out there which are needlessly gender specific- like handwriting. I've been guilty of calling someone's handwriting "girly" many times. Basically any handwriting that is legible, curly and neat I will consider girly. Maybe I should stop that. Otherwise, in the future...

"Newsflash: As of today, a woman who writes illegibly is revoked of all her feminine rights, and a man who writes legibly must only work in the kitchen."

Here's the amazon page, if you're interested: http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-0mm-Black-MSLP16-Blk/dp/B004F9QBE6/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Food, Manga, Learning Stuff.

Went to yumcha with a good friend today- had a grand time. It was all-you-can-eat, and my appetite proved to be pathetic despite my body mass- luckily he ate at least 1.5 times more, even though he weighs as much as a super model girl. I feel as if I can still taste the seafood in my mouth. Wouldn't mind going again.

I ordered these graphic novels from an online bookstore--- yeah, they were rated 18+. It's for my artistic studies, I swear. I just happened to uh, appreciate the artist's style. Though considering how I plan on moving soon, their arrival posed a rather awkward problem. So now I'm sort of trying to sell/trade them off to my friends--- it's kind of awkward, due to the nature of the content. Maybe I should just keep them...HRM.

Ah, it's too hard. I'll think about it later. Right now I just have the biggest urge to play games. Or do some study. Yeah, that sounds weird- I want to play games or study. Well, not study as in doing maths exercises, but I'd like to pick up where I left off in terms of Japanese. I can sort of understand random phrases- but I have trouble understanding the entire sentence. Also, I can't read or write. I guess that's not super important, because I'll get it eventually. It'd just be really cool if I could speak it and understand. Imagine, I could watch all my anime without subtitles! And I can totally import original Japanese games! That's motivation enough.

Alright, I've done my share of blogging for the day. I'm off to play games or whatever. Bye bye.

Finding New Anime

After I finished D Gray Man there hasn't been much to amusement. Today I tried another anime: Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei. It's one of those shows that make no fucking sense whatsoever, and I forced myself to sit through it because I was bored and because a lot of people have given this positive reviews. Then at some point during the first episode, I was like, "ohhhhh, it's satire, isn't it?"

It was then that I really started to "get" the anime. I suppose I found the "mental stimulation" I was looking for--- but then I got really, really tired, looking for double meanings in everything. I felt as if I were watching a documentary, not anime. No, not even that. It's like I was watching for some sort of assignment, and I'd prepared my brain into "essay writing mode". It hurt.

Speaking of things that hurt--- I hit my head against our rock-solid kitchen bench while sweeping beneath it. I heard this dull *thud* and thought my head cracked. Then I rubbed the injured area to check for bleeding- luckily it didn't bleed, but it hurt like hell.

On an unrelated note- I've got this sudden urge to buy myself a Kindle. Now I know it's a stupid idea, because I've always preferred holding an actual book in my hand, but I realized how much of a problem my book collection has become, now that I'm thinking of moving house. There is no way in hell I'm dragging 50kg worth of books with me, but it's so difficult to part with my beautiful novels. Also, how the fuck am I going to hide my 18+ graphic novel collection? Then there are my art diaries, too. I'm faiiiirly certain that I've drawn various pictures of naked women and men--- all for artistic aestheticism, I swear. They just look better naked, if you know what I mean.

Though you probably don't know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm seriously considering buying a giant wooden/ steel chest, and locking everything I don't want my parents to see in there. Yes, I am aware that it consists of locking half my room--- but something has to be done. I'd rip out the inappropriate pages in my artbook--- and I think I will, for some of them--- but with the others I'm just like, "but I'll never be able to draw this ever again!" See with art some times you just get this "feel"--- most refer to it as inspiration--- and you produce something amazing...

 Yes, I am essentially saying that I draw amazing porn. It's a talent of sorts, don't you think?

(some suitable title)

Ah I neglected to write again. Alright, so what have I been doing? Nothing, really. Like, actually nothing. I'd sit in front of my computer, stare at it blankly, and alternate between opening and closing tabs. It's a hard life.

I've given up freaking about uni at the moment, because I figure it'll work itself out in the end. That's how it's always been in my life, anyway. Whenever something causes me anxiety, I think to the future, and realize the situation is bearable. Most people get by just fine, right?

I'm still on a quest to discover what it is that I'm really good at- and by that I mean have an innate talent for. I figure I should try my hand at a couple of different things, but then I start feeling lazy. The things I've received recognition for are all school related, but I can't think of anything non-school related that I can do. Maybe I can sign up for a drama class or something, but I've always hated public speaking. Sure, the attention is flattering, but I only gain that sort of confidence after 3 hours of rehearsals.

I know already that I have no great talent for music. I've been better than most, even with minimal practise, but that's me with most things. I thought I might've been good at music until things got serious, and the serious people around me (1 hour rehearsal every day) frightened me with their skill, passion and dedication.

Ah, that's what I've been lacking. Passion and dedication. Skill is something which I feel generally comes with time- but there needs to be a catalyst of some sort to spark my interest in a particular subject. I don't recall feeling particularly passionate about anything, and without that dedication certainly will not exist. My attention span is so short though, and I get bored before I even begin.

Hrm, maybe actively seeking a passion isn't the answer, because hell, I don't know what I want and I don't know what I'm looking for. Well, I figure when I come across it, I'll know.

The Last Straw

Another dinner, another dinner conversation with my parents. This time, it's the unsurprising topic of "what do you actually want to do?" I cut them off, because hey, I'm going to do med, it's no use chasing my childhood dreams now. They, however, refused to accept that response and forced me to name something. I replied with something along the lines of IT and Psychology, which is something I'd like to do. Mum said, "oh why don't you do that then?"

...I would've killed something if I could.

You know what she said to me, only 2 days before the university offers came out? She told me to change my preferences for uni, because after med school, I had put stuff like "Bachelor of Psychology" on the list, and she told me to change it so that a Law and Economics degree came before it. Why? I think I told you--- because no one would trust an Asian psychologist and I'll get stabbed by crazy patients.

Then my parents asked me why I didn't just take my law offer. Well, because I refuse to move interstate for law school, when one of Australia's best law schools is only a 15-20min bus ride away. Far out. From that point on I just started being outright rude. My parents hastily retorted: "we just don't want you to blame us in the future, and say that we forced you to do med. What if you decide to quit after your degree, or even half way through your degree?"

...Makes me want to throw water at them. ...Just because they said that doesn't mean they didn't force me. I still remember, the shit I got after I received my UMAT results. How I got THROWN OUT OF THE FUCKING HOUSE EARLY MORNING, BECAUSE OF MY UMAT RESULTS. That constant pestering about med school, interviews, everything. ARGH.

I get where they're coming from. I really do. They're STILL not worried about me. They STILL don't give a fuck about what I actually want to do. They just don't want me to blame them for it, in the future. They just don't want that sense of guilt, in case I decide I've had enough of this and rage quit. They don't want the responsibility. 

It's so depressing when I think about it that way. I almost thought they finally decided to care for me, until I realized the truth behind it all. They don't even realize that IT'S FAR TOO LATE TO CHANGE NOW, unless I want to wait for next year, which I don't. They just think that by saying shit like that, they can negate everything.

Well, fuck all, I'm going to med school, and I'm fully conscious that I am choosing to go to med school on my own free will (if only to get away from my parents). If I have any regrets in the future, then I will remember--- hey, at least it got me out of that shit hole, and I will be satisfied.

Asshole Customers

When you work in retail, you may run out of stock, but you will never run out of customers who are absurdly stupid or are just complete dicks. Today I witnessed one of the worst customers ever, who first made completely unreasonable demands, then started with his verbal abuse, and finished by assaulting my coworker.

I sort of stood there thinking "holy shit" and stared, which in hindsight was not the best reaction ever. Maybe if I had more uh...forcefulness? in me I would've done more. I mean, I did try to stop the scene, but then it escalated out of control and all I could manage was to stay out of it so I don't exacerbate the situation.

It's stuff like this--- and working in retail in general, I think--- that make me think, man, what the fuck is wrong with this world? People are just so... nasty. By nature I am already pessimistic and snarky, but experience has crafted bitter cynicism into me. 

However, I won't let things like that worry me. There are many things I like, and very many more things which I don't care about--- and that makes life a lot better for me. I can't say it's a healthy attitude, but it works.

Life is mostly shit, after all.

Shoes

I've never had the energy (or money) to keep on with the latest fashion, but I still retain the nasty habit of buying things for their brand name. I still remember how I insisted buying a certain brand of school bag because I hated every other brand. Lucky for me the bag lasted 3 years.

Anyway, I bought new shoes the other day- not that anyone cares, or should care, I suppose- even though I had about 4 other pairs. I don't really know why, but I had the biggest urge to buy converse shoes. And I did.

...Well I guess that's all I wanted to say. I bought new shoes. I like them. They look nice, they're comfortable, and they're totally unnecessary.

University Stress

More university offers came today--- and as it turns out, I got accepted by more than one med school. So for those of you who are desperate to do med out there... I guess I took a dump on your childhood dreams...twice. I also got accepted into law school... which I'm kind of proud of. I guess I'm Asian to the core, eh?

I'm still feeling smug about beating that girl who lives near us. After almost two years of comparisons against her... and having fallen short in every comparison, I beat her in something which matters. Okay, so she has a scholarship and doesn't need to pay rent--- whatever. Shut up. I got into something she couldn't, and that should be enough.

Speaking of rent, I'm freaking out so bad I'm on the verge of pissing myself. I can't find a place to stay. I didn't apply for accommodation before, because realistically I didn't think I was going to get in. I looked on this website where people try to find flatmates... and I fled with horror, because I was convinced that everyone on there was going to rape my ass. They just had such creepy selfies of themselves. Right now I'm just trying to find a safe place to stay--- screw the rent, utilities or whatever, I just want a room where I can lock the doors, windows, and have enough reception to call the police.

Well, I guess I feel quite good about finally being able to leave. My one way ticket out of what used to be home, and is now closer to hell. I'll probably barely survive--- and I'll leech off government benefits for quite a while, as I try to look for a job and pay for food. I finally understand why people break down and cry at their children: "you don't know how hard it is to put food on the table." Now I guess I can legitimately say, "I do know how hard it is, but how about you shut up and take some responsibility."

Life will be hard, but ehhh, freedom will be worth it.

University Acceptance

Yeah, the notifications came today (well, technically yesterday). Surprisingly, I got accepted into med school. Unsurprisingly, I wasn't overly thrilled or even mildly excited. There was the dormant satisfaction in knowing that I hadn't failed at life, and then there was the cruel content of knowing that I had out-matched the girl who I'm constantly compared with--- other than that, there was not much to be felt. 

You know, someone once said, straight to my face, that I didn't deserve to be a doctor. This was when I hadn't even sat the UMAT. You could say he was brutally honest, but I thought he was a bit of an asshole. I laughed it off though. I might have mentioned before, but I'm one of those people who can just stroll into the UMAT casually and out-perform tonnes of people who did tonnes of practise--- because I am who I am. In the end, that is the arrogant truth.

I'm now sitting here deliberating on whether I want to go. Yeah yeah, I know I've been through the interview and all that, and they've been testing my motivations etc. Look, they failed. Obviously whatever they tested, it wasn't enough to figure out that I was completely undecided, and went to their interview for shits and giggles. Well, also to prove that I could if I wanted, I guess, so that it wasn't all big talk.

All these people have spoken to me, and told me that their childhood dream was to become a doctor. It was their true calling, what they've always wanted. They were all so sincere... and I had felt horribly guilty, for taking what had meant so much to them so lightly. I think I read somewhere, someone had said, "I want to be a doctor but I know I can't"--- and I'm on the verge of apologizing, for taking a dump on their childhood dreams. Except I don't want to apologize when I don't really mean it, and when I'm not going to do anything to amend it. Maybe they'll be consoled by the fact that I thought about apologizing.

I think I'll go. To med school, I mean. I can finally leave my parents that way, and move, far, far away. To a place where I'll be all alone, having to handle everything myself. Well, I think I could survive. I'll figure something out, once I get there. Life will work itself out--- it always does.

I guess it's time to finally move on. 

Not-so-deep analysis of the best MV ever.

After watching and re-watching what I shall continue to refer to as the best music video (MV) ever, I really wanted to write about it. Now before I start--- my opinions are solely my own and if you don't agree with them, it is not required that you follow my words as divine truth (though I wish you would). 

Here's the video again, if you missed it.

I guess I'll begin from my initial reactions to the video. Like I said yesterday, I thought it was some stupid generic sweet love song. Within the opening seconds, my opinion changed--- the tune was rather catchy, and  the casual whistling sound was really cool. Guy 1, dressed in black and sitting in the car, appears rather uninterested while the girl beside him is smiling. I thought they were a couple, and that the girl was teasing him. I was really distracted by how cute the girl was--- and when she teased him I was like, "gaaawww she's adorable."

Then when Guy 1 yelled back, I thought "oh maybe she went too far. Her actions did seem a little... brutal." Except I still thought they were a couple, and they were sorta like, play-fighting. But she laughed and ran into the arms of Guy 2. I immediately caught on that she was in a relationship with Guy 2 from the way she was acting, so I was like, "ohhhh, this is like Taeyang's Wedding Dress MV all over again, where the girl he loves marries his good friend." With that notion in mind, I failed to see the story play out any other way. 

I started feeling really bad at the point where the girl and Guy 2 flashed their engagement ring, and the girl came downstairs in her beautiful wedding dress, showing off her ring to Guy 1. It's like pouring acid on an open wound. Then Guy 1 got all emotional, and his acting was quite touching and very convincing. That's what I'm referring to when I say I can understand his heartbreak. 

Then the wedding photo scene--- getting dragged back by your best friend, and you can't refuse. Except it's a horrible, awkward situation that causes you pain, but you can't escape from. I think we can all empathize with that to a certain degree, and sad to say, I can understand all too well. When Guy 1 tore up the wedding photo, I did notice how he ripped right through the girl's image. At first I imagined to be bad tearing skills, then I thought it was symbolic of him destroying what he can't have, or he was so pained that he can't stand to see her beautiful figure. At least I got the last part right.

The ending was a shocker, eh? I guess that's what marks this video out from the rest. I had already felt bad for the guy before hand, but after realizing that he liked the guy instead of the girl, I felt even worse. Like, shit, this isn't even something you can openly mourn for. If you've ever heard Avril Lavigne's song, Girlfriend, she bashes out some guy's girlfriend and says that she's so much better.  I don't think there's any chance in hell that an ordinary guy can find enough courage to say that to the one he likes. I can only imagine how awful it'd be, being gay and loving someone who's straight.

I felt rather guilty for being surprised by the ending. I understand its function as a twist, but I feel as if it shouldn't be a twist. Why did I never consider that he might have liked the guy? Sure, the video is deliberately misleading, showing so much footage of Guy 1 and the girl together--- then there's that scene where he makes a move to touch the girl, but then she disappears, suggesting that he only imagined her. Still, there were so many hints which I just chose not to see, because I had the notion of a guy-girl relationship in mind the whole time.

After I re-watched the video, everything just became blatantly obvious. Like, of course he doesn't like her! Look how miserable he is! It was then that I start to notice how deeply the idea of a heterosexual relationship is ingrained into my mind. Even though I have nothing against (and is even supportive of) homosexual relationships, when I watched the MV, it just never came to mind. I didn't consider the possibility. 

Now I'm bashing myself for being that way, because I used to pride myself in being able to consider different options and alternatives. I had failed completely in that exercise, it seems. I didn't consider, didn't even think to consider that it could've been any other way. Argh, that's embarrassing.

Though it's okay in the end, right? I mean, I've obviously been taught to associate love and relationship with heterosexual couples, but there's no reason I can't teach myself otherwise. I believe our subconsciousness are only a level deeper than our consciousness, and if I learn from this experience, then it'll make me a better thinker.

And this is why I refer to this MV as the best MV ever.

The Best Music Video Ever

Last night I chanced upon this music video for a K-pop song. Judging by the thumbnail, I thought it was just another sweet, generic love song. I don't know what actually prompted me to watch/listen to it, because I generally can't be bothered, but I did end up watching the MV and holy shit it was amazing.

Yes, it was still a love story, but it was a love story played out by three amazing actors. The acting itself was flawless--- every expression was captured so, so well. Then there's the story--- you'd think it was bland, but it was directed so well, it just surprised you so many times. I am just stunned by how the director managed to fit all that into less than 4 minutes, and express everything that needed to be expressed.

This isn't a happy love song--- you don't need to know Korean to get that. Listen to the music, watch the MV, and unless you're stupid, you'll understand that this is a song about heartbreak. Even though I've never experienced heartbreak myself, I thought I could feel it from the acting. ...And I suppose that in itself is quite amazing.

Now, since I've built up all this, I guess I should link you to the video. Well, here it is, Please don't... by K.will.

Music In My Head

I've had Taylor Swift on replay for I don't know how many hours now. Her new album is quite amazing. It didn't sound quite right on the first play--- until I realized later that day that the song I Knew You Were Trouble was stuck in my head. Then I listened to it again--- and currently it's a song I like very much.

Ah, my taste in music is strange. Most of you will probably say it's no taste at all... but I reckon it's just a quirky sort. I can no longer describe the music I like. I guess when I listen to it, that's the moment whether I decide whether I like, dislike, or remain neutral about a song.

Sometimes I think I'd like to marry someone who was musically talented. I'd be kinda cool it if they had a nice voice, and they serenaded their love for me. Or would that just be creepy? Maybe it is kind of creepy. Hrm, guess I'm ill-suited to romantic fantasies. Though I keep on having this dream where I'm lying down on a soft old couch, listening to someone play the piano beside me. The soft old couch is inside an ancient cottage, where the windows are broken so it doesn't shut properly. I lie half-awake on the brink of a storm, and the cool breeze rushes through the windows and makes the curtains dance. Then music is played on the piano, and it starts to rain... the sound of the rain resonates nicely with the notes being played.

I wish I could capture all this in an image. Maybe I'll try one day. It's a nice dream that I dreamt up.

Naming Your Child

I was talking to someone about poetry (because I'm a classy stud) and the topic of Lord Byron came up. The person I was talking to said to me, "it baffles me why anyone would name their child Lord. How pretentious do you have to be?"
Me: "...that's not his actual name, is it? Lord Byron seems to be more of a title..."
Them: "aw, that's a shame. It sounds cool."
Me: "you just said it was pretentious."
Them: "yeah but that's cool. I wish my surname was Grey."
Me: "why? Because all the girls are into Fifty Shades of Grey?"
Them: "no, because then I can name my child Earl."

...I get it. Earl Grey. English tea... Classy stuff, I guess.

Basically that discussion prompted me to write this post. I read somewhere that the more... distinct your name is, the less likely you're going to fit in, because your name is different. Also, people don't like names they can't pronounce. Which makes sense, I suppose.

Sometimes I think about what I'd name my child, if I had a child. Then I look at my Heracross (a Pokemon), which I nicknamed "Horny". I figure I'd better leave the business alone.

"HORNY USED MEGAHORN!"...*snrk*

Have you ever met someone with hooker names as actual names? Not that I'm trying to offend anyone with these names (though I'll probably offend anyway), but there are names you hear which you just immediately recognize as hooker names. Okay, not that I meet a lot of hookers or anything... argh, whatever.

...I'd give examples of what I mean, but then it'll sound kind of rude. What if I meet someone really nice in the future, with what I recognize as a hooker name? Yeah...

I'll just stop here. This is such a random post.

Anime Overdose

I guess I got what I deserved, after watching DGM obsessively for the past week or two. After finishing DGM, I picked up other anime--- AND IT JUST WASN'T THE SAME. I've found flaw in almost everything within the first 20 minutes. It's a horrible feeling.

I first tried Guilty Crown, because there seemed to be a massive hype about it. I thought the art style was quite cool--- so I ended up downloading the whole thing, and began to watch. First episode, the focus stayed on some "mysterious girl" who was dressed like a massive slut for the purpose of entertaining 13 year old boys. She was meant to be something of a secret agent, stealing top-secret stuff--- and she was dressed... on a mission. Yeah look, I'll show you.

That is NOT some secret agent. That is the model on the front of a porn magazine.

Anyway, I thought Guilty Crown was a piece of shit. The story was sooo utterly confusing. I sat there thinking "wtf is going on" for the whole time. The only thing good about Guilty Crown is the visuals and the sound. Everything else is utter crap.

This is how the hero gained his super powers.

Then I tried Pandora Hearts. Pandora Hearts wasn't bad, thankfully, but it failed to interest me. I guess once you've been spoiled by high-quality anime, anything beneath that just won't do. I guess I'll finish watching Pandora Hearts some other day, when I get really, really bored.

It's stuff like this which makes me wish they'd make a Code Geass R3. I DON'T CARE IF THE STORY WAS CONCLUDED AT R2, GIVE ME MORE, DAMMIT.

Ah, stupid addictive anime. Why don't they just produce Code Geass and DGM episodes...forever?

My History of Pokemon Games

After buying my 3DS I haven't had much chance to play it. I ordered a new R4 (because my old one wouldn't work, right) and waited ages for it to arrive. By the time it did come through the mail, I guess I was bored to shits. I started playing Pokemon Black 2, but I became sooo incredibly bored. It just felt like every other Pokemon game I ever played. I was no longer impressed or amused.

The thing with previous Pokemon is that every new game has had something more to offer. The original Pokemon was great because hey, it was the first Pokemon ever. The second generation was wonderful because it had a new region, it had color, AND the new added Pokemon was kind of cool. Third gen, I stopped caring about the new Pokemon, but the graphics took a major improvement, as well as the music. New features such as the mach bike, running shoes, being able to move your Pokemon without depositing then withdrawing... etc.

Then every generation after that, it was just mediocre. I was rather bored by Pokemon platinum, thinking that the protagonists both looked horrendously ugly. I migrated my level 100 Alakazam (his name was Misery, thought you should know) from my Emerald version--- the last version of Pokemon I enjoyed, and smashed through the game. It wasn't fun. I also smashed Pokemon frontier (meant to be a super hard end-game challenge) with ease.

Pokemon Black and White came, and I played, staying loyal to the franchise. Hell, I played Leaf Green and Heart Gold before this, so why not play the newest one? I quite liked Pokemon Black and White, to be honest. Like, but didn't really enjoy it much. The storyline was my favorite part. It was new, it was different--- but it got watered down so much for the kiddies that it lost so much meaning. I sometimes wish they made an adult version of Pokemon--- and no, I don't mean Pokemon porn, Jesus Christ, I mean a Pokemon game with slightly darker themes and non-retarded characters. Though the chances of my wishes coming true are rather slim indeed...

Anyway, now I'm playing Pokemon Black 2. I've been catching everything decently looking that I come across... and I found some joy in naming my Riolu "Riley", but I think I should've gone with Ryan--- or Lucas. Otherwise when it evolves into a Lucario, "Riley" would just sound weird, right?

I think I've just become detached to Pokemon. The only thing I ever cared about (and will ever care about) is Misery, my Alakazam. I guess I should move him over to my newest games...

Eh, I guess when Pokemon X and Y get released, I'll still play for the heck of it. Though my excitement for Pokemon is dying, I'm hoping it'll revive some childhood nostalgia when I pick up X and Y.

Oh, btw, the 3DS stop killing my eyes. I can reasonably tolerate it now. Though I guess I'll tell you about my 3D experience another time.

Reply to Fan Mail...

Remember how I wrote about the Prince of Thorns yesterday? Well, after the first day I was addicted enough to stalk in author on the internet. It wasn't really stalking- he left like all of his contact details in the cover of his book. Well, minus his phone number and residential address- though he did mention that he lived in Bristol. Ah I'm bad for knowing this. Nobody should actually remember lives of authors that are tacked onto the back cover of your books, right?

Anyway, I took a tour through all of Mark Lawrence's (that's the author's name, yes) stuff. He writes poetry! Not that it's poet laureate standard, but good poetry is good poetry wherever you go, right? My particular favorite was his poem titled Blue. Now for fear of treading on some copyright infringement law I've never bothered to learn or study, I'm just going to link you to his site, instead of pasting his work: http://princeofthorns.com/Blue.html

I've almost forgotten what this post is about, going on and on about other stuff. I wrote Mark Lawrence fan mail. You know, fan mail... as in, mail written by fans. Only because I saw on his blog that he gets fan mail once every three days--- and I thought his inbox would be flooded  with incoming fan mail. I guess I felt good, writing to the author about his vastly under-appreciated work, praising it with all of my literary-bullshit-prowess had to offer. I think a part of me must miss writing essays, miss the challenge of having to structure my words and phrase my sentences. I might even go so far as to say that I miss proofreading my work for embarrassing mistakes and errors.

Anyway, in case you haven't figured from the title of this post and the windy lead-up--- the author replied to my fan-mail. This is the most exciting thing that's happened to me in the past week. Yeah yeah, it's not exactly a reply from God Almighty Himself, but it's from an author whose works I appreciate--- appreciated enough to write a fan mail to. He even responded decently...which meant that it wasn't a generic response, he actually bothered to read what I wrote.

I guess I'm just feeling deeply gratified right now.

It's good to appreciate such simple happiness, after being trapped in self-imposed doom and gloom for so long.

Ten Thousand Landmark

I think I'll post more to make up for the number of posts I've missed. Not that I'm deluded enough to think I have eager subscribers, but hey, I just passed 10 thousand views, and I thought I'd note this landmark with another post or something. I'm in the mood for writing.

I'm taking a 3 day break from work--- this is the second day. I've made quite a bit of cash. After next week, I'll be able to buy that laptop. It doesn't take much saving, eh? Well, I can technically afford it now, but I don't really need (or want, for that matter) a laptop. I'm thinking I'll probably just enjoy saving what I can, and buy the laptop when school actually starts.

I've been listening to electronic trash again. Well, that's just me being me. It's not actually trash- I just refer to it that way because it doesn't have much meaning. Maybe I should stop doing that. The music isn't bad. Some of it gets to that point where it's noise and no longer music, but I think I'm listening to music right now. I figure I'm probably only listening to it because I'm watching the music video, and the music video has attractive Korean men in it.

Sometimes I wonder what'll happen to these people in ten year's time. They'll probably be just as attractive, since men don't become uglier with age--- but they probably won't have the stamina to dance those moves or whatever. I figure they'll probably become game show hosts or actors... or something. Not many of those members can actually sing- not from what I can tell. Sometimes I wonder what their children will think when they watch videos of their fathers ten or fifteen years back.

Well, that was a random tangent. Then again, most of my posts are just whatever comes to mind at the time.

Hooray for ten thousand? Thanks for bearing the burdens of my first world problems with me. 

Prince of Thorns

Prince of Thorns has been something I've wanted to read for a couple of months, but I never managed to get the book. I had a look in almost every bookstore, and I've found it in one. That one book store sold it for something like $25. It wasn't a bad price, but I didn't want to pay that much. I ended up ordering the book and its sequel online, and I started reading last night. I didn't think I've read that much, but I'm half-way through the first book. I think it's just really short.

It's been a good read so far, I'll tell you. The story's quite captivating. It's about a prince who wishes to avenge the death of his mother and brother. Kind of reminds you of Hamlet, doesn't it? Except Hamlet was more of a philosopher and procrastinator than an avenger. The protagonist of this story, Jorg, has quite a bit of character in him. Sadistic, brutal, and very, very fearsome. He's one of those characters who I find easy to pity but difficult to love. That might change though, since I'm only half way through the first book.

The book isn't really about flashy action scenes and fearsome battles- at least not in my opinion. It deals with the darkness beneath the cover of blood and gore. Everything seems so twisted and troubled--- but I guess that's what I like reading. Simple things are entertaining, but they won't exercise my mind.

If you like to read- I guess you can +1 (or two, there's  a sequel) to your holiday reading list. It's worth picking up.

Sequel: King of Thorns

Have you missed my ranting?

Oh geez, sorry, I didn't realize it's been 4 days since I last blogged. Nobody actually misses this, right? Its's not like missing my eternal complaints for four days has taken a chunk of your life. I've been working--- as usual. I think I vaguely remembered to write, then didn't because I wanted to watch DGM instead. And I've finished. 103 episodes of the second best anime I've seen. It's sad though, because the anime kind of became... boring. I felt that there was a lot of filler content towards the end, and it concluded at a most inconvenient point. I heard that the author had fallen ill, but the anime had already caught up to the manga in terms of plot, so it ended. Since I'm desperate to know what occurred next (and I'm completely hooked), I've started reading the manga. It feels horrible, to have to read black and white text, after being so used to just watching bright and colorful pictures and hearing sounds.

Lately I've been so tired after work, that I fall asleep in bed while watching DGM. Then I wake up at 3am, remember that I smell like shit, shower, and watch more DGM, until I fall asleep again, and get waken up by my alarm to go to work. It's been a vicious cycle. At least I'm making money.

I'm saving up for a laptop to use in university. I am so desperate to leave my parents' house, it's not funny. I'd rather pay bills, rent, tuition, cook my own food, wash my own clothes, iron my own shirts than leech off my parents. Med was my one-way ticket out of this hole, but realistically I'm not going to get in. Yeah yeah, I know I'm so wonderfully clever and charming, but with my merely above average UMAT, not-99 ATAR, and an okay interview, I have no chance of getting in. And I'm not too upset about the prospect, because there are always other things I can do.

You know, I've always wanted to find out what I was really talented at. There must be something that I'm good at, something I can claim as my field. Look, I was good at studying, but so was every other Asian with immigrant parents that ever lived. That's something that was forced by habit. I never had a natural calling for say, maths. I remember my earliest primary school maths test, where I got I think--- 87? and a B. My mother was so terrified that she made me sit there the entire afternoon, and study maths. I never got below a 95 for maths again. Well, at least not until I started playing with what my parents refer to as my "lazy white friends". They keep on stressing how I'm not the same as them, how I can't be the same as them. Because they are innately superior and English is their first language and I have to work so much harder and be so much better otherwise nobody would ever choose me over a white kid.

...I think my parents have some sort of paranoia where they think the entire world is racist. It's difficult to make them understand that just because someone isn't Asian, it doesn't make them automatically racist. They are convinced that by culture and upbringing, everyone thinks they are inferior and looks down on them, and so they struggle against an enemy which isn't there and to claim victory on a battle which isn't a battle.

Not that I'm saying racism doesn't exist. It does. Of course it does. It's just that by mathematical probability--- no, scratch that, by common sense it cannot be possible that everyone I come across is a racist fuckwit. And you know, maybe starting from the fact that I have "lazy white friends" is a sign that the world isn't out to get me. Tsk.

I get their concern. No, I really do. They were saying the other day that I shouldn't become a psychologist if I don't get into med, because my patients will most likely be white, and they wouldn't trust me as their psychologist because I was Asian. Eheh, makes you want to hit your head against a blunt object, doesn't it? My mind was filled with "wtf" at that moment, too. Then they said being a doctor is okay, because your patients can't doubt you, because you're a doctor. Yeah, that doesn't make sense, I know. More "wtf".

Sometimes I think I understand--- or almost understand. They're exaggerating a probable outcome by enormous limits. What they fear is not impossible- it certainly could happen- but that would be one incident, one occurrence. Though there must be a lot of misunderstanding involved to make them think this way. I remember arguing back, saying that it wasn't a matter of racism. I cited this incident, where I declined the invitation of someone asking me to join them in a group task, because they couldn't speak English very well and they'll probably hinder my performance. I don't think I was being racist- I do believe it was a matter of our compatibility together versus the task at hand. My parents of course, screamed back at me, saying that I had been changed and that I was now turned against my own race. I wasn't about to explain to them that the person I turned down had no chance in hell of properly understanding what was to be done in the time required, and I much preferred a partner who could help me as well.

Or maybe I've already been "converted", like my parents believe, and I'm now just trying to defend myself and justify my deeply-rooted racist acts. Heh.

So yeah, that was that. Not a moment's peace with my parents. Whoops, "parent". I guess I've used plural form all the way through, huh? That habit will be hard to overcome.

...Look, 4 days missing, bitter as always. I haven't changed at all.

D. Gray-Man

I guess I'm getting slack with my blogging. Not that there isn't much to talk about, but I guess I've just forgotten to write. I've been on a D. Gray-Man (DGM) anime marathon. No, I still haven't finished, it's got something like 103 episodes. I'm in love with the protagonist, Allen Walker. No, seriously. He is fucking awesome.

What I like about DGM is that every arc leaves me in an emotional wreck. It's one of those shows that makes you connect with the antagonists, so it's not just a one-side view. The antagonists aren't pure-evil--- they show feelings and emotions and valued characteristics--- then when you start to like them, the anime takes a turn and you're reminded why they're the bad guys. The anime pulls the same emotional strings every time, but I fall for it every time.

Despite all this, it still falls behind Code Geass in terms of my favorite anime. Maybe only because I watched Code Geass first, but it left an imprint so strong that it held first place in my heart, and has since stubbornly refused to slide down. Or maybe it was because the finale scarred me too badly and made my heart wrench every replay.

Ah, but this is meant to be about DGM. For the first time in ages the protagonist is my favorite character--- most other animes I like the side-characters better, and eventually the side characters get killed off, so I stop watching. There always seems to be a thing though, where my favorite character DIES. Just flat out DIES. You know how sometimes characters die then come back later (like Gandalf or something) and then you're like oh holy fucking shit this is so exciting---- well, my characters don't come back. They actually do just die. And don't get resurrected. Sometimes it almost feels as if they're going to return, but then you get on with the story and at some point you realize the author probably forgot to revive them.

I don't have to worry about that this time, of course. Even if the protagonist dies, he'll only die at the end of the series (otherwise it wouldn't make any sense, right?) I'd be so mad if they killed off the protagonist and then just made some other character carry on his legacy.

Well, if you find yourself with any spare time (rare these days, I know) then perhaps you'd like to watch some DGM. It really is awesome.

Watch it for Allen, just because he's such a badass. 

First of January

I gather that if you find yourself unhappy on New Year's Day, it's probably a bad sign. Not that I believe the first day of the year will influence the rest of it, but I wouldn't be surprised if I lived another unhappy year. My mother found out about that 3DS I bought and threw a hissy fit, telling me to return it and give her the money instead if I'm so desperate to spend. I'm not desperate to spend. I've wanted a new console for quite a while, I just had no reason to get one while I had so much school work and a working NDS.

So for the entire morning you have my mother being a complete bitch. I'm sorry I can't say anything nicer, but that's how it seemed to me. "LOOK HOW YOU TREAT YOUR PARENTS. YOU'VE BEEN DESTROYED BY GAMING. ALL YOU DO IS WASTE YOUR TIME. IF YOUR SISTER EVER PLAYS GAMES, I'M GOING TO SMASH ALL HER CONSOLES. EVERYTHING I SEE, I WILL BREAK."

Heh, yeah, look at how I treat my parents. Wait, I shouldn't use the plural form. I only have one parent. And she's being a bitch right now. Apparently I don't have time to game because I have to do household chores and complete her homework for her. Then university starts, so I definitely can't play games then. I'm on the verge of yelling "go fuck yourself". I've agreed to complete her homework for her just so she'd stop nagging me about it (and it's not like I have a choice at the end of the day), but the way she carries on and on about it disgusts me. Furthermore, it's now interfering with my gaming.

It's not that I'm anti-social enough to want to play games 24-7 and not interact with anyone. I just don't want to interact with anyone in this particular family, because they all treat me like shit and expect me to be nice in return. Funnily enough, my needs extend beyond food and clothing--- I have a need for people to not scream in my face when speaking to me, to be polite when speaking to me, and to respond with reason--- OR AT LEAST COMMON DECENCY.

I am really hating this world right now.