Work; Start

After a heavy week of lectures, I hung out with a friend for a bit of a breather. We went to KBBQ and the zoo and it was kind of fun- I spent a lot of money and I got my hair dyed (which I thought was cool but someone told me it made me look delinquent). I enjoyed the break, but my friend had a terrible attention span and seemed perpetually bored. In those situations it's like, "wow, is hanging out with me that boring", but I felt more exasperated than anything. I know he's the kind of person who'd have massive troubles telling me he didn't want to do something if I was keen, but despite my general aura, I do have regard for my friends' preferences. In the end I had fun, but he's definitely not suited for spontaneity or "figure it out when we get there".

Then I came back, slept very well for the evening and waking up, I felt functional. I listed all the things I needed to do, and I did them all. Now I'm sitting in the library, abusing their internet speeds (because the internet at my residence is SO GODDAMN SLOW). I'm reviewing the lectures I had last week, because my timetable got screwed up (I was too lazy to submit a preference form) and I'm kicking my rotation off with a 2 week holiday. Beautiful, isn't it.

The topic I'm reviewing is kind of dark, and I'm reading through all this material about abuse and how to recognize abuse. I guess it's a useful skill to have, but I wish I didn't need it. If you want to just think about the mechanism behind it all, I guess it's kind of cool, but it's near-impossible to dissociate the trauma and social implications. That stuff doesn't really "get to me", but because it exists I find the whole business kind of gross.

I think I've sorted out my timetable and I swear I can feel my cortisol levels rising. Just the amount of study I'm expected to do, the knowledge I'm supposed to retain, gives me trepidation like no other. I find solace in thinking that "others have done this before me, and they have survived". I don't believe that there are many people out there who are just... fundamentally better than I am, and whatever I lack in talent I can replace by effort. And oh lord I lack a lot of talent when it comes to medicine. I don't think I'm horrific at anything (except perhaps anatomy), but it's difficult to describe me as more than mediocre, so the effort I must input to remain competitive had me feeling sick for a long time. "Mediocre", seemed far worse than being labelled a failure... As a failure, perhaps quitting and finding another thing would be far easier. As someone mediocre... who struggles to remain mediocre... it's like my biggest nightmare has come true. I've exhausted the reserves from my talent pool, and in the field of medicine, I am nothing more than mediocre. For a while I even struggled with accepting the field- I was never inspired to enter into med, but there's no way to move on if you don't commit.

Those are my unseen struggles. Studying, when you get down to it, is something I've done for a long time, and I have always done well. Enthusiasm, on the other hand, is something I felt like I've never known.  Right now I'm motivated because I don't want to be inferior, I don't want to fuck up someone's life when they come to me for help, because I was too lazy to read an extra page in my textbook back in med school. That's kind of what I mean when I say I'm held hostage by responsibility. Strengthen my resolve, yeah, I'm getting there. I wish I could be ambitious and say I wanted to save the world, find a cure for cancer or MS or lupus, but...while it is a great and noble thing, I feel too tired to even daydream about it.

In the end, if I can save myself, I will be satisfied and know that my efforts have been good-enough.