Failure

I've always suspected that I was a failure to my parents despite being that A-grade Asian who got into med school. It was a 2nd rate med school, for sure, but med school nonetheless. Anyway, I was somewhat content with my achievements (if you could call it such), because as I advance further into my studies, I am also growing as a person. It doesn't feel like much, and maybe I didn't DO much, but I know for sure that I'm more mature and insightful than say, a year ago. Even 2 months ago. Not that my parents care.

And why should I care about my parents, right? They brought me into this world, raised me and cared for me, then put me through a great deal of grief as they shackled their expectations on to me. I tried to escape until their chains bore me down to the bone, Then one day, I realized, I was actually free, but by then I had tied myself up to something much worse - something called "responsibility". When I was young I didn't give a shit- I wasn't even vaguely aware of what "responsibility" actually meant. Now I realize, taking responsibility is hard, admitting it is also hard, and the word itself just makes me think bad things.

Anyway, getting to the point. My mother said she wanted to speak to me yesterday afternoon, and what resulted was a 2hr conversation in which she told me she'd rather if I was born retarded. Well, that's not giving you much context, but I promise you I didn't say anything mean or w/e. Not that I didn't see it coming- I actually imagined she'd say "I'd rather if you were dead". Yes, I provoked her- not like, intentionally, but people become very uh... I don't know how to say it. If they want to read things a certain way they'll read it that way, and justify being hurt by it. Never mind the original intention. It's like when you complain about having too much homework and some kid goes "I came from a deprived country where it's difficult to get an education, and you complain about homework". Like, the original remark wasn't meant to offend, but if you choose to feel indignant about it, wtf can I do? There's also not a lot of correlation between the two events, you know?

So yeah my mother said that to me, I felt like shit. Then she started crying, and I tried to comfort her by saying it'll all be okay, and she was all "how is it okay, at all" between sobbing and tears... Like, that is so sly, mother. You're the one who comes into my room, says hurtful things to me, and now you cry and make me comfort you when I'm still butthurt over your remarks. The guilt trip is fucking real. To this day I'm still fucking hopeless when it comes to people's tears. We can have a heated argument or whatever, but as soon as they break down crying I'm like "ohhhh I fucked up. Please stop, I surrender".

It feels unreal to have a confirmation that my parents actually don't like me for who I am. I used to say all these things, but I always thought it was just my depression talking. Like, you know how you're depressed you play out the worst-possible-scenario over and over, then you think you can read people's minds and you just KNOW that they're all fucking judging you? Well I thought it was something like that with my parents, but nope, they actually think I'm a colossal failure and that hurts my soul. I don't like them but it still hurts, you know?

My friends keep reassuring me that it's fine, I don't actually need my parents and they're terrible people anyway. And like... I know they're terrible people. I've lived their terribleness. They keep on saying they want me to be happy, but it's more, "we want you to be happy the way that we want you to be happy". That's hardly my ideal of happiness, though. Yet there's something that's difficult to ditch when it comes to the people who raised you, even though you know you disappoint them, and that you were never what they wanted. Fucking hell I wish they'd stop being so ungrateful. Too often I get called ungrateful because I have a decent education and a comfortable middle-class upbringing. Why doesn't it work the other way? Why can't they be grateful for a son who can draw and write and play a bit of music? Who's studying and making friends and aiming to become a better person?

Yeah ok I have my flaws. I play a fair bit of games and I'm pretty lazy. But I don't go out dealing drugs or traffic human lives. I could literally be so much worse--- but at this stage I don't even smoke and restrict myself to a standard drink every gathering.

Yet there's nothing I can do if you want to label me as a failure, by the person I am. If I exist as a failure, then so be it, because I'd like to live on.