This time, my "father" decided to talk to me for 2+hrs or whatever. I've never felt this close to hurting myself. People look down on those who self-harm, because it's attention- seeking behaviour, right. Well, what if I say, self-harm is one of the most effective methods of getting people to take you seriously. "You haven't tried killing yourself yet so it's not that bad".
Sometimes, people just don't believe when you tell them how you feel. Depressed but not depressed enough, as if I needed proof. Because my feelings can't be validated until I have enough scars on my body. And so I want to carve some flesh out in a minimal- damage kind of way. Not enough to kill me, more than enough for it to hurt, and just enough to make my story of pain and suffering believable.
I said I wanted to live on. And that hasn't changed. But the struggle is so real. I don't remember the last time I was in such a dark place. I don't enjoy existence as a failure, you know.
I can't even feel angry right now. What word should I use? It's difficult. Sad, certainly. What about... lost? A bit. Hopeless is probably a bit too far, disgusted is strangely close to the answer.
Sick is probably the right word. I'm sick, of myself, my situation, and the world around me. It gets better! Yeah, I know. I know it does. But I should call a suicide hotline or something. I'm so desperate and I still cling to this vague idea of "better" in the "future". And that's all I have to live for right now. My life isn't my own, my body isn't my own, my thoughts aren't my own. I don't even know what I possess in this world. I want to keep crying but I've been crying for an hr or two so I'm kind of sick of that as well.
I'm sick, yeah. Sick to the core.
Vane, I might not know you but I really wish I could just give you a hug right now, because I don't want you to feel like you're alone, like you're a failure and I especially don't want you to feel like you have to prove to 'anyone' that you're suffering. If someone doesn't believe you, don't feel like you have to validate your feelings for them, because you don't. It's not worth your time, your tears or your pain.
ReplyDeleteAnd Vane, I think you're a wonderful person. Might not be much coming from someone over the Internet but you really are. Perhaps you don't think so and perhaps your parents don't think so, but I'm sure there are people out there that do think you truly are wonderful. You probably think I'm talking out of my ass, but I really do believe that you're a lovely person from the posts I've read on your blog. For example, you go through so much crap yet you still concentrate on trying to be a better person.
"But I had hoped, with each passing day, I would be a little wiser, a little kinder and a little happier." That one sentence speaks a lot and I really admire you for trying to better yourself. If I was you, I would have been like, "fuck everything. I'm out, I can't do this anymore!" But you're still going, still have the will to live, and even want to better yourself. If that's not admirable I don't know what is.
Also, about being a failure... you're not, far from it. Screw what your parents think, they're expectations are off the chart. (Seriously, you get A's and got into Med school! My parents would be so proud and estactic if they had a child like you! God, they'd be balling their eyes out from happiness, haha.)
Basically, I just want you to know that you're not alone. Even if it's just some Asian chick that's stalking your blog every now and again. But I do strongly suggest you call a suicide prevention hotline just to have someone to talk to other than your friends. You could also try 7CupsofTea. It's a great site with a great community that would be happy to just lend an ear or give advice.
I do hope you feel better soon though!
Thank you for your kind words.
DeleteThat's alright. I just hope you're feeling a little bit better than you were. I'll always be here to listen if you ever need someone to talk to!
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