Where Now?

I felt so miserable for all of yesterday, in a way that was entirely overwhelming. I'd play the piano and the pace would be andante or slower, and sometimes I just missed notes because my fingers felt too heavy to lift and too weak to press down. Every song sounded like a melody of mourning and in the end I stopped playing.

I sat on the couch trying to think of nothing at all- meditation, if you will. I tried to block out the hideous thoughts I had, to no avail. I started crying spontaneously and I was a mess. At one point I was painting, trying to repair an old artwork my sister had damaged years ago... then as I drew I experienced anger so overwhelming I slammed my brush on the table and threw a tub of paint at the wall, with full force. The wall dented and I felt a sick satisfaction. I also had the urge to smash the glass in house, break every window and door. Shatter my surrounding to match my shattered self.

I didn't end up doing that. I thought about the thousands of dollars it would cost to replace everything, and how much of a mess it'd be to clean up the broken glass. My mother would be heartbroken, more than she already is. I hate seeing her that way, and I hate myself for caring. The words she spoke to me were despicably cruel, and I don't think a child deserves to hear that from their mother. Yet still they fell upon my ears, and sinced then I have been cursed with this turbulent mood.

I would be free if I was orphaned. Familial support means shit all when they don't actually support you, and what's worse is that it hurts double when they harm you. My "father" justified his shittiness towards me with "you don't tell us anything", and proceeded to vilify me with his self- serving logic and baseless accusations.

I do think violent thoughts. If I acted on them I'd be patricidal. I'd rather not let this man destroy my life further, so I exercise my self- control. Even then, he provokes me daily and asphyxiates me with his presence.

I'm leaving tomorrow, so I hope I will improve soon. I can't be like this when I have class and work and exams. I plan on finding a job, because I need money to distance myself from this abusive household.

And yes, this is abuse. I recognize an abusive situation when I see it. The emotional trauma I've received in the past 2 days is more than enough to show the toxic situation I'm in. I need to go.

Go some place where I can feel safe again.