Honestly

I've always wanted to be someone who was honest to himself, but that turned out to be near impossible. A long time ago I learnt that you will never achieve what you want, unless you embrace the desires you have buried deep within you. Too often, however, I felt severely betrayed by those who should have been my closest confidents, so I grew into the shitty person I am today, with a severely twisted personality.

I lied so much my lies almost became truth. "Fake it til you make it". Not to say that I trust no one and feel vengeful towards the world, but I do have some issues. Lying is almost 2nd nature; it protects me from harm, and people love hearing my lies. They gobble it up like vultures, because the truth hurts. Placed in an environment where I am punished for being truthful but rewarded according to how well I can lie... of course I became like this.

I should blame myself too, I know. I've always liked to be on the safe side, and I think I'm way too sensitive to pain. As it stands, I'd much rather inflict pain on others than have pain inflicted upon myself. You can call it cowardice, but I call it self-defense. I invariably end up testing those around me, poking and prodding to make sure they are "safe" to be around.

I don't know if I'll stop. I wish I could be good and noble, and feel nothing but righteousness in my heart. It is so much easier when you only see the world in black and white. As I navigate a palette of infinite possibilities, I become lost and afraid.

But for some reason, a while back, I decided I wanted to become a better person. Perhaps I won't be too ambitious to start with, but I had hoped, with each passing day, I would be a little wiser, a little kinder and a little happier.

I know I will still lash out viciously when someone crosses me, but maybe I'll stop pulling everything in as collateral. Maybe some day will come, when I realize, "huh, I have said exactly what I meant," and I will be strong enough to bear the consequences then.

Then perhaps, in the far future, someone might say, "I want to become the kind of person Vane has become; I want to be better than I am."

And I would be so proud.