Dun-dun-duuuun

I finally realized today that I'm one of those really annoying people who pretend not to care about something even when they're desperate. I do have a habit of acting nonchalant about almost everything--- and it'd be true most of the time, because I actually don't give a fuck. But then I get so used to doing that and when it turns out that I do care about something, I have a massive panic attack, get close to shitting myself, then pretend I never cared anyway before I do something about it. I guess it's because I'm just tremendously worried about fucking up something that's legitimately important, so I have to make it less-important before I actually deal with it.

How did I see this side of myself? Well,  because I realised that I do stuff like purposely not-answering-my-phone, pretending that I'm away, and then calling back an hour or two later. Or when I get an email, and instead of sending the reply immediately, I set the mail to auto-send at 3am despite having written the reply as soon as I read the email. It then gives me an excuse for all the strange things I may have replied, because hey, they'd think I wrote it at 3am. Other times someone would leave me a message, and I'd read it, and pretend not to have read it until a day or two later, to show that I'm not desperately attentive.

This attitude is probably really, really, BAD. I still remember that time someone asked me, "what do you care about?"--- and I thought, what a strange question, I care about a lot of things! Then I realised, huh, he probably doesn't know, because I always act like I don't give a fuck about anything. But with me it's like... I don't care about school work as long as I'm getting an A. I don't care about how I spend my money as long as I'm happy. I don't care about my academic performance as long as it gets me into university. Of course, these criteria are generally easy fulfilled, so then I must give off that aura of "nothing matters to me". I suppose that's not a very desirable trait...

I should probably consider changing that.... but I don't really care. Except now when I say that, I'm thinking, "do I actually not care or am I just habitually not-caring?"

Life is so complicated.