Thursday, 28 February 2013

Packing

Leaving home has become a near-reality, and I've started packing. It's quite horrid realizing how there's so much to take and so much to leave. The task itself is almost as tiring as cleaning my room... I've never realized that I've had so many clothes--- but then again when I look at it, half of it is hand-me-down and the other is at least 3 years old. I just hardly have anything new.

Clothing aside, I have ONE cardboard box of personal belongings. It's strange because I thought I'd have a lot more, but hey, apparently not. I AM leaving most of my mini-library behind though, so maybe that's why. I swear one day I'm going to buy this gigantic house, and I'll have this room with massive glass cabinets full of my books on either side. I want an entire classic literature collection... and I want hard cover copies...

Ah, I'll get there one day.

Getting out of this place HAS to be one of the best things that's happened to me, ever. Sure I'm ditching my entire family and friends and whatever, but I can always keep in contact with my friends, and I'll be forced back home for the summer holidays anyway... I'll probably go through one of those phases where I'm like, "aww, now that I think back, my parents weren't so bad anyway" or "I kind of miss being home", and then I swear when I get back I'm going to be like, "ah right, this is why I wanted to get the fuck out in the first place!"

The only thing I'm NOT looking forward to is the fact that I have to go to school again. Studying is such a pain... but ehh, I chose the course, so it should be fine.

Hooray for a bright and happy future.

Monday, 25 February 2013

Irritated

I'm under some sort of house-arrest. My mother's being as selfish as possible, refusing to let me leave the house because she wants me to do her homework for her instead, before I leave this hell-hole. Needless to say, I hate her for it. I haven't been able to see any of my friends, and it's already bad enough as it is because I'm working every second day. I'm also working the next 3 days, which means going out is a near-impossibility. My mother even offered me the same amount of pay as I'd get at work, telling me to skip work and stay at home to do her homework. It makes me cringe. I can wait til the day I can finally abandon everything I hate about this place.

It's not like I'm completely ungrateful, but I do hate this family. I appreciate the food and the material items, because no one else was going to provide for me, but I just about despise everything else. I hate how every action is seen as some sort of exchange, but in the end they want to tie me down and guilt trip me with "family bonds". When I voice my concerns, it's dismissed as "teenager problems".

Then I outright said, "yes, I'm a teenager. And as a matter of fact, I do currently hate you."

Not that I've had many pleasant memories of this household for the past year or so, but recently, as I'm about to leave, it's become increasingly unpleasant. There's the constant reminder that, "at most I can give you _____ amount of money per week" and "that's the same that this entire family spends on a weekly basis--- it's like you're spending as much as the rest of us combined".

It's not like I won't work. I will. Whatever shitty job it may be, I will make enough to keep myself alive. No need to constantly remind me how much of a burden I am. I found a new roommate, for fuck's sake. He's essentially clearing my rent by living in my ex-roommate's place. If it's just the weekly spending, I can manage that. Argh, things are annoying as it is.

I hate being troubled by something so trifling like money. It makes me feel like I've degraded myself to "pitifully middle-class". Not that I'm aristocratic noble-born, but I'd rather be "contently middle-class" as opposed to "pitifully middle-class". My worst nightmare is to become like my parents, who I kind of see right now as working robots, thinking about money every second of the day, losing sight of everything else there is in the world. I know I'm a romanticist, and I know that money is important. No, really, I get that.

But money is not the reason for my existence, goddammit. I am NOT living so that I can be rich and live in a big house and have money to go on holidays. NO. That's the sort of stuff I fantasize about, because I think being rich will make me happy.

And as I have discovered, there are many simple things in life which could bring me happiness. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to cost money. I could take a walk at sunset and be happy. If I had a million dollars, I'd probably throw it at my parents' face and tell them to leave me the fuck alone.

...Now that would literally be "buying happiness with money".

Saturday, 23 February 2013

Psychology

So somewhere along the way I picked up an interest in psychology. I think it was in high school, because I remember being somewhat interested in the human brain and its structure, and how that influenced behavior. I remember wanting to go into the marketing department of a company, and I wanted to be the marketing director who managed to sell everything and bring in shit-tonnes of profit, because I knew what peopled wanted or something like that. The ghosts of that thought followed me for a while, until I took the statistics class in college and decided that I hated stats. That was when marketing only became a dream for an alternate reality.

Then I thought I'd be a psychologist, because hey, at least I'm still interested. I started taking psychology classes, and I was interested enough to make it through a major. Of course I slowly became disillusioned regarding the true nature of psychology- there was no text-book definition describing a certain behavior--- it could be a range of things. For example, you could walk down the street and have some guy give you the finger. Maybe he has the compulsion to stick his finger when people walk by; maybe he has nerve damage and his finger is permanently like that; maybe in his culture it's a way of saying hello--- or maybe he's just a fucking dick. 

Anyway, I was kind of disappointed that psychology didn't let me read people's minds. I really should have studied witchcraft instead of going to school. Dammit.

Right now my plan in the future is to become a psychiatrist. I'm still keeping my interest alive, in my own way. I kind of winced when I realized it takes more than a decade to become a fully qualified psychiatrist... It feels kind of wrong to take so long to do what you want to do... and it all feels so...convoluted. Kinda like when you catch a bus to go home, but it decides to go around every other suburb in the surrounding area before it stops at your house. Or worse, your friend tells you to catch the bus with him and the bus takes you to his stop but not yours, and you have to take a half hour walk to get home (I have some pretty faggoty friends).

Ah, I digress. I should stop with the shitty analogies that stop making sense because I get distracted and forget my original intention in writing. I just thought I'd write about why I decided to take a major in psychology, even though I didn't do any work for it and showed up late to half the classes.

Friday, 22 February 2013

Laptop "Accessories"

The only reason I bought a laptop was because it was conveniently transportable--- or that it was supposed to be. Packing my laptop up, I realize that's a lie. It's still a pain in the ass.

So there's the laptop case, where I put my laptop in so I don't drop it. Alright, that's not much of a hassle. Then there's a metre of cord for the charger--- now that's getting annoying, because I tend to almost-forget. Along with it is the mouse I use- not a necessity, I suppose, but greater convenience. Then there's the other cable-thingy which connects to the internet in case wireless is unavailable. I'll probably get a mouse pad somewhere along the track.

...And I still want dragons on my laptop skin.

Come to think of it, this is the first laptop I've ever had, that's well and truly mine. Everything else has been second hand from my brother- I'd get his old one every time he got an upgrade. I guess that's why I feel more attached to this laptop than I should- I'm almost seeing it as a living thing, and I was super tempted to fill a basket with soft padding and place my laptop there.

One step closer to insanity (or did I already get there?)

Thursday, 21 February 2013

My New Laptop

I'm blogging on my new laptop right now and I must say I love the keyboard. It's so smooth and easy to type and the keys don't even jam. Now I'm really wary of playing games on this thing: I'd hate to break a keyboard like this. This thing is perfect for typing up lecture notes and checking emails.

...I'm sure an intel core i7 processor was totally necessary for that.

Not that I know much about processors anyway, but apparently the higher the number, the better. Or so the internet told me. It said that this thing was good for multi-tasking... I'm sure writing an essay while listening to music counts as heavy multi-tasking.

Sometimes I ask myself why I spend money in stupid places. But I never bother to think of an answer.

Anyway, I'm currently thinking of putting a laptop skin on it or something. I don't think I'll miss my PC with this baby around.

Wednesday, 20 February 2013

The Concept of a Male Heir

The cause for this topic? Well, I read an article on the skewed gender ratio in China (in favor of males, of course). Apparently 30 million men are going to die single. I'd feel more sympathetic, but as I see it: 30 million is an even number, so why don't the men just pair off? Okay okay, so it won't be 30 million exactly: but it's either going to be odd or even. If it's odd then I guess one guy can just take one of the team and die single, or move overseas or something. There, problem solved.

I think I understand why culturally, most people in China want a son. Even if they're not against having a daughter, they still want a son. Of course some people are more extreme, and to them having a daughter is the same as not having a child, but those people don't seem very nice anyway. It's just that males have been dominant for the last couple thousand of years, and people are resistant to change?

It disgusts me to know that some people would have an abortion, abandon or outright murder because their child is female. Maybe the one child policy pushed people to their dire extremes, but that's still no excuse. I guess it can be argued that I have no right to judge, because I don't know these people personally and I don't know what's going on in their lives, but I think it's just universally immoral...

Remember how I complained about these 5 guests who stayed over for two nights not long ago? Well one of the ladies told me of a friend of hers, who prevented their daughter from going to Harvard, because "a girl didn't need to be that strong"--- as in, she didn't need such a high level of education. My expression was just "what the shit". Harvard. This is almost an impossible dream for Chinese students, since you need to do more than study to get into Harvard. And you needed a high academic achievement. And you needed to speak English well. It wasn't because they couldn't afford the fees, or because they were worried about their daughter going to America, or because of whatever other reason people usually worry about--- it was because "a girl didn't need to be that strong." Needless to say I was disgusted, and because I didn't like any of our "guests" anyway, I told her that I thought it was outright atrocious and the parents should be ashamed of themselves for stopping their daughter like that.

The lady tried to defend her friend with "oh but Chinese people just think this way, that you should find a stronger man- it's always been tradition"-- yeah well, the tradition seems like it needs breaking. And how does "finding a stronger man" have anything to do with the daughter going to Harvard? Blergh. Then I got into an argument with the lady: I know I shouldn't have bothered but she was in my room and she wasn't going to leave any time soon. It was so strange, hearing a woman herself tell me that "but women just aren't as good as men, despite all the talk." She brought up stuff like, "all else aside, a woman has her period once a month, right? That's inevitable. And during that time she's physically and psychologically handicapped--- a man doesn't have that."

...I just sat there thinking, "why is this stupid bitch even in my room"

So there you go folks--- this is apparently why men are better than women, and why it's better to have a son than a daughter: because your girls are gonna have a period once a month.

My faith in humanity has perished once again.

Leaving the Toilet Seat Down

Something I've never understood--- women getting angry at men leaving the toilet seat up. Apparently it's "annoying" and "disrespectful", because it's saying that the man shows no concern for the woman's needs... but dude, I really don't get it. Isn't it just like, an overreaction where you're constantly suspicious that the other party is looking down on you?

I've heard some lady complain, "it's just 2 seconds of effort, put the seat back down after you piss!" But the only thing I thought was, "if it's just 2 seconds worth of effort, why don't you do it yourself when you need to go?" I don't know, I'm not saying she's a bad person for saying that, but I just don't see it as a big deal. I mean, if we're going to be so pedantically stuck up about gender equality, why shouldn't the man be able to leave the goddamn toilet seat up when he needs to go? Can't he demand that the woman lift the seat up after she uses the bathroom to convenience him?

Now some smartass has worked out that men need the toilet seat down when they're taking a dump, so given that there is a man and a woman in the household, it would make more sense to have the toilet seat permanently down, and the guy can just live with sitting down to pee instead--- but I'm like, "is there even a point to being a man if you can't pee standing up?"

After two years of studying the topic of gender oppression--- or more specifically, female oppression, I guess I still haven't worked out my stance on the issue. Sure I can analyse the situation and spit out an essay on it, but I haven't quite consolidated my personal beliefs. When it comes down to it, I guess I don't believe in gender equality?

Wait wait no, don't hit me with a shit-storm. It doesn't mean what it sounds like. I'm not against women being educated and being given the same wages, being given the same opportunities etc--- but I see that more as equity as opposed to equality? Equality, as I understand, is something being exactly the same. So it confuses me: how can men and women be treated equally when they were never equal to begin with? Not that one is more superior than the other--- but they're just not the same thing. It's like, a can of soda and a bowl of herbal medicine--- they're both sweet, except the medicine tastes shit anyway.

...I'm really bad at making analogies, aren't I?

Anyway, I'm totally sick of the topic of gender equality. Yes, we should stop calling women whores for sleeping with different men, but that's because we should try to be polite. No matter how you look at it, having multiple sexual partners is bad for long-term relationships and sexual health. Saying "oh but men get to sleep around why should women be condemned" sounds so childish.

Now that this post has completely strayed, I'll go back to what I was originally thinking when I wrote this. The moral of my rant today is: STOP COMPLAINING ABOUT THE GODDAMN TOILET SEAT.


Back to Gaming

I finished my first 3DS game, Kingdom Hearts. I must say it was heavily overrated. The combat and visuals were good, but the story was just so much wtf, and it quickly became too repetitive. The boss fights were fun though. I don't know, it just didn't give me the right... feel. I didn't feel as if I were living the game, and I guess that's my main criteria to classify a game as "good".The game was just too "deep" while being too childish, and it just utterly confused me.

Luckily another 3DS game I ordered ages ago, Tales of the Abyss, came in the mail on Monday morning. Needless to say, I was thrilled, because my favorite game ever is a Tales game. I've been playing it since then, and I'm having a bit of fun. I still haven't mastered the combat system, but I've been arrogant enough to use manual control, and it's fun enough.

I wish I could play games uninterrupted, for as long as I wanted.


Tuesday, 19 February 2013

Not-Working Is So Sweet

Despite how much I like my Christmas casual job (well, post-Christmas casual now), I must say the task of going to work itself is a real goddamn chore. It's a good job, it's easy and it pays decently--- but the fact that it's a job makes it unappealing enough. I feel so perfectly content, being on holiday--- that freedom of being able to do whatever the fuck I want is sooo good. Making money is so tedious--- I'm far better at spending it.

When I'm sitting in front of the computer sipping soda at midnight, I start thinking of some very strange things, like, "wouldn't it be great if I had a money-tree?" Like, a literal money tree, with 100-dollar bills for leaves. It can't be too big, because if they neighbors see then it'd cause grief to no end. I just want it to be the  size of a small-potted plant, and I'll leave it in a corner of the garden where no one will be able to see. I've always hated gardening, but I reckon I'd remember to water my money-tree daily.

Ah, but it's just a stupid thought.

Even though work is meant to be non-stressful, just thinking about it makes me slightly more anxious. I'd be better off on a routine, working 5 days a week and taking a 2 day weekend break. Going to school would be similar, except school comes with a worse kind of stress. I sort of console myself with "many a stupider person has graduated, it'd be a piece of cake", but I'm kinda freaked out and I want to fast forward 5 years again. The only thing I'm looking forward to is not being home--- and maybe having a social life, but we'll see how that goes.

I'm not longer sure whether I want to continue working like this forever or go to school already.

Sunday, 17 February 2013

The cause of stress shopping

Like I said I would yesterday--- I bought myself a laptop. I have no idea regarding most of its specifications, except that most of it is probably something I will never need. I mean, I use my computer to lurk forums, read online, listen to music, check email, watch youtube vids and play the occasional game or two. The games aren't even massive, either. I really didn't need a top-notch laptop to do what I usually do--- but eeeeeh, it's what I decided to spend my money on. At least I know I won't have to buy a new one for the next 5 years, while I'm in university. Hopefully I don't end up spilling tea over it or something...


I guess I didn't really tell you guys fully, but my parents decided to have "friends" over again. And by "friend" I mean the wife of an actual friend and 4 other acquaintances of said wife. 5 people stayed over for two nights, and I must say I hated most of them. I was woken up early in the morning at 7am by the sound of their voices, talking and talking and talking--- which my mother said was just Asians being Asian, but I don't buy that crap. Now considering I slept at 2am, getting woken up at 7 (especially since I intended to sleep to 9) is pretty atrocious.

Now the wife of the friend was probably the one who offended me the most. She came into my room wanting to use QQ (an instant messenger program used primarily by people from mainland China). Did I ever tell you I hate people being in my room? So there, offense 1. Offense 2? She wanted to use my computer. If there's anything I hate more than people coming into my room, it's people using my computer. You might think I'm a pansy, but for me it's like someone's asking me if they can use my toothbrush. But you know, my asshole of a father already yelled at me once for disrespecting his guests before they got here (I didn't want them here and had an argument with him earlier), and I'm waaay too Asian to be rude to guests no matter how much I hate them. So you know, I let her stay in my room, and use my computer for QQ.

Now I was in a pretty pissy mood, because my father decided to have dinner early, and go to some "study group" earlier on. Now if his study groups are anything like mine, it consists of drinking tea and watching youtube videos with a textbook open. As he was away, he made me pick up his guests from the station. So I pick them up, and by then it's like 8.30pm, and the dinner's cooked and going cold, all laid out on the table. AND GUESS WHAT, I WAS HOME ALONE WITH ALL THE "GUESTS", WHICH IS 5 PEOPLE I DIDN'T KNOW AND DIDN'T WANT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE. I do the usual thing, boil water for tea, heat up the dinner--- and NOT ONE OF THEM OFFERED TO HELP. Like, I know I'm technically the host and I'm supposed to do shit like this---- BUT IT'S COMMON DECENCY TO OFFER TO HELP. In my opinion, only after a very intimate friendship can someone laze around on my couch while I heat up food and make tea for them. Usually guests who are just acquaintances feel too awkward and uncomfortable, so they do what they can to help. Noooo, not these people. They just acted as it were their house, and sat around comfortably. They were even like, "oh I don't want tea, do you have anything else to drink?"

I was pretty close to answering "yeah, my piss" but I refrained.

It's all because I'm not an actual host--- I didn't invite any of these people--- I don't know any of these people! I was forced to pick them up from the station, I didn't have any dinner because it's rude to eat before your guests (oh but my father just went ahead and did so anyway, because ehhh, "study group"). Bottom line- I was angry and I couldn't show it.

Anyway, the wife of the friend was in my room using my computer after dinner--- and she insisted on live chat. Now for various reasons I don't have a webcam in my room, so she went and brought my father's one over. So I sat on my bed being annoyed while she talked and talked to her daughter on live chat--- well, her daughter knew her mother was being a nuisance, but she didn't do much about it. Then the wife of the friend was like, "oooooh, you have to meet my daughter! You two used to play together! Remember how we ate dinner together in 2008? And when you were young you too had so much fun at a BBQ and..."

No, no I don't remember. I don't want to meet your daughter, I don't remember her. Fuck off and give me my computer back.

I ended up talking to her daughter, and the wife of the friend positioned the webcam like it was a photo shoot, constantly going on and on about how we used to be such good friends. I did the formal courtesy thing, "hi how are you I'm in uni now are you having fun over there k I gtg nice to meet you", but it didn't end there. After I stopped her mother CONTINUED TO TALK ON AND ON AND ON AND ON. It was fucking midnight. What enraged me was how she asked her daughter, "oh is it getting late over there? It's 10pm already, right? Do you need to sleep? Yeah it's 12 over here, there's a 2 hour time-difference!"

Now I believe violence against women is a very nasty thing, but I reeeeally wanted to slap her in the face or something.


Anyway, she did that both nights she stayed, and I hated her for it. Who the fuck insists on live-chat with a webcam every night, while at someone else's house using someone else's computer? Far out. Just thinking about it makes me angry all over again...

I guess the stress-shopping of the laptop didn't work too well. I better go spend more on laptop accessories to cheer myself up then!

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Lalalalalala


Why the fancy picture? Because I decided my blog looks kind of boring with all the writing. The color scheme is actually really nice, but the stupid pseudo-philosophical quote and the emo-ness emanating from it all pisses me off. They think they're soooo sophisticated, writing shit on a post-it note and sticking it on a window--- like, why the fuck would you stick a post-it note on a window? Such an assholish thing to do, to stick that and remind someone that hey, who you're thinking about now probably doesn't think about you. Shut up. And why don't they bother to capitalize the first word in a sentence, if they've bothered with contractions and full stops? Man, that's just half-assed. They can't even do it right when pretending to be all deep and meaningful. Like man, what the fuck.

For your information, yes, I am insane. My parents have "friends" who are currently staying over, and one particular lady is driving me to the borders of beyond insanity. It's a horrid business, I'll let you know, pretending to be all happy, polite and mature, when you really want to say "GTFO". It's such an inconvenience, not to have your own house.

Man, I really want a fucking house right now.

...I keep on telling myself to chill the fuck out, but it's not really working. I'm so goddamn agitated. No matter how many times I mutter "not long to go, not long to go", it still seems like an eternity. I wake up every morning and I refuse to get out of bed, thinking that if I sleep a little longer, time will pass by even faster, and I'll be out before I know it.

I think I'll go stress-shopping tomorrow. Let's get that laptop I've been wanting.

Dun-dun-duuuun

I finally realized today that I'm one of those really annoying people who pretend not to care about something even when they're desperate. I do have a habit of acting nonchalant about almost everything--- and it'd be true most of the time, because I actually don't give a fuck. But then I get so used to doing that and when it turns out that I do care about something, I have a massive panic attack, get close to shitting myself, then pretend I never cared anyway before I do something about it. I guess it's because I'm just tremendously worried about fucking up something that's legitimately important, so I have to make it less-important before I actually deal with it.

How did I see this side of myself? Well,  because I realised that I do stuff like purposely not-answering-my-phone, pretending that I'm away, and then calling back an hour or two later. Or when I get an email, and instead of sending the reply immediately, I set the mail to auto-send at 3am despite having written the reply as soon as I read the email. It then gives me an excuse for all the strange things I may have replied, because hey, they'd think I wrote it at 3am. Other times someone would leave me a message, and I'd read it, and pretend not to have read it until a day or two later, to show that I'm not desperately attentive.

This attitude is probably really, really, BAD. I still remember that time someone asked me, "what do you care about?"--- and I thought, what a strange question, I care about a lot of things! Then I realised, huh, he probably doesn't know, because I always act like I don't give a fuck about anything. But with me it's like... I don't care about school work as long as I'm getting an A. I don't care about how I spend my money as long as I'm happy. I don't care about my academic performance as long as it gets me into university. Of course, these criteria are generally easy fulfilled, so then I must give off that aura of "nothing matters to me". I suppose that's not a very desirable trait...

I should probably consider changing that.... but I don't really care. Except now when I say that, I'm thinking, "do I actually not care or am I just habitually not-caring?"

Life is so complicated.

Thursday, 14 February 2013

Valentine's Day

It's always difficult to come to terms with the fact that the only date you have on Valentine's is a date with your GP. I got more injections, this time in both arms, and it's hard for me to remember that my arms were only jabbed with thin needles as opposed to being crippled. It's just that every time I go to move my arm I feel an ache (which isn't particularly strong), and then I stop whatever I'm doing.

On the bright side, I am going out to dinner tonight. I guess that's sort-of like a date, if you count having dinner with a friend you haven't seen in a year as a date. I asked him why we had to go today, because another time would be far more convenient, and it turns out that he just wanted to tell his girlfriend that someone was keeping him company on Valentine's and let her imagination run wild. I'm pretty sure his girlfriend dumped him last week, though.

Anyway, everyday I'm one step closer to moving out, and it thrills me. To think I can finally play my games in peace, or just sit down and draw without being interrupted every 30 minutes... OR EVEN JUST STUDY, ALONE, QUIETLY. It's pathetic to think that being able to study alone has become such a luxury.

In another two weeks, I shall be reborn from the ashes (or something dramatic like that).


Wednesday, 13 February 2013

Enrolment

So I went to school to enroll and get my class sorted... and like I thought, no one in the med-school stood out to be particularly attractive. I mean, I guess you had to sort-of-study to get into medicine, but goddammit they all looked like colossal nerds. They really didn't select med students based on looks, huh.

Which made me think I should've enrolled in fashion and design or something--- not that fashion guarantees attractive people, but at least they'd dress nicely? Fwah, idk man. It's hard getting used to "big school". Some of these people are like... legitimately old. 30-40, in the same class as I am, studying the same thing. I guess it's never too late to pursue your true passion...but it just feels weird.

I guess my life plan of getting into med school to marry a hot doctor and leech off them for the rest of life failed before it got anywhere. I couldn't really see any hot doctors around, since there were no mirrors (see wut I did thar?) But seriously, I didn't think it'd be that bad.

Well, I guess the only thing to look forward to now is med school itself. Hopefully what I learn will be interesting enough to keep me entertained--- or at least be sophisticated enough so I can continue being a pretentious douche. Life will work itself out... it always does.

Anyway, I'm super-excited about this whole moving away thing. Like, my excitement almost dies, but then my mother decides to throw a hissy fit and act like a complete bitch, and I get all excited about moving away again. Same goes for Dad. I'm just so sick of everyone yelling their heads off in this house, always in anger. It's funny because my parents both accuse the other of being mentally unstable, using the exact same phrase. And I'm somewhat amused, because I'm like, huh, no wonder you guys are still together, there's still some sync left, in a way.

...I guess me being amused by my parents fighting is a sign that I'm going batshit insane. Better leave soon!

Monday, 11 February 2013

Almost-Valentine's

Now that the lunar new year's gone by, Valentine's is fast approaching. In fact, it's in another 3 days. Well, it only serves to remind me of the fact that I fail at expressing genuine affection. I don't generally like to think about relationships, whether I'll find true love/get married/have children, because it's all too daunting and I figure everything will work itself out. But every now and again someone or something just leads me to think about this kind of crap, and I find myself in a half-amused-half-sad state.

So I was joking with the cute-guy-at-work (did I ever mention that there was a cute guy at work?) about how one of our colleagues is perpetually single. This was a few days ago. Then today cute-guy-at-work said, "I found a solution--- you should just marry him!" I was horribly baffled, but I'll admit it was a funny joke and we kept it running for a while to entertain us. Then by the end of it all I was thinking, huh, I'm going to be single this Valentine.

I can't figure out why I care, because it's not like I haven't been single for the past 17 Valentines of my life... but it's like I'm at the point in life where I think about sex every waking minute and I suddenly realize that being single is somewhat unattractive. I can't say I want the hassle of a relationship, because I reeeally cannot be bothered doing the usual dating stuff like remembering anniversary dates, texting once every couple of hours, go out on dates every weekend, or just...giving a shit.

See, it's not that I want a relationship, it's more like I don't want to seem pathetically single. Goes back to my stupid egotistical mentality, where I feel like I need to prove that I can find someone if I wanted to. I guess all the fluffy-cutesy-romance anime I've been watching really isn't helping, since "I love you" is like, every second line of dialogue... And I'm like, "awww, why isn't someone telling me they love me? I want company..."

Gaaah, alright, no use in thinking about it. I'm going to follow through with my new year's resolution, yes. The aim is to not be single come the 2014 Valentine. I'll get there...somehow.

Saturday, 9 February 2013

New Year's Eve

Last day of the year... went out to family dinner, as usual. The food tasted rather average, I thought. My parents wouldn't stop complaining at the restaurant, as usual. One dish was too salty whilst the other didn't have enough salt, the meat was tender in one but it was probably because of unhealthy additives, etc., etc. I wish we were one of those families who could sit down, eat, and make small talk that everyone enjoys.

Because it was New Year's, I was being particularly not-my-usual-self, as in, I felt more socially inclined and thought I should be less of a dick to my family. So I took the effort to ask my mother, "so, how was your day? Did you do anything?" It was a legit question--- I was out working all day, after all. Then she's like, "OH I WOKE UP AND HAD TO TAKE YOUR SISTER TO SWIMMING LESSONS, THEN I WENT SHOPPING--- OMG THE PRICES ARE SO HIGH. WE HAD NOODLES FOR LUNCH, I SLEPT, YOUR FATHER WANTED A HAIRCUT, AND THEN I HAD TO CLEAN THE HOUSE. I DIDN'T EVEN FINISH BY THE TIME YOU CAME HOM-SADHFLJASHGJKDH"

...I stopped listening at some point.

I mean, I know I asked, but it was totally a courtesy greeting. I figured that I really was not interested in how her day was. It sounds so horribly... stereotypical-average-female-housewife. I have no better way of describing it. At least, looking at my parents, I know there's a certain way that I definitely don't want to live my life. And I will take extra caution to marry someone who isn't awkward when sitting with me at a dinner table, waiting for food to arrive.

Ah, there's my new year's resolution. I'm going to find someone to date--- someone who is so incredibly attractive, brilliant and clever--- and preferably someone who doesn't bolt off when I confess to them. 

Friday, 8 February 2013

Music II

I'm going through my music folder, and I feel like making a review-list of all my favorite artists. Before the thought "nobody cares" comes into your head--- hey, this IS my blog.

Though many of you are probably under the impression that I listen to a lot of shitty pop--- and I guess that impression would be right--- but I actually divide my music into categories based on their language. I listen to Chinese music 80% of the time, then it's like a 9% each divide between Japanese and English--- then the last bit is Korean. Also, I listen to particular artists--- and only those artists.

Let's start with the Chinese chunk, because this is going to be massive. Not all these artists are Chinese, btw, but they sing in Chinese--- and that's what I'm referring to. I'm going to rate them based on a "one-repeat-level", which you can basically interpret as how long I can stand their best song on one-repeat. And by "best song" I mean my favorite song by them. 10 is going to be "a fucking long time" and 1 is going to be "I listen to this once and never again".

1. Jay Chou (one-repeat-level: 10)
He's my favorite singer of all time and I'm seriously obsessed with his music. I have his songs on one-repeat, and I have over 2000 plays for my favorite song. His voice is actually nothing amazing, but his music is. I guess you'd think that I'd like it better if he wrote music for someone else to sing--- but it's not the same. I feel that only he can express his music the way he wants to, and it just wouldn't be right otherwise. His lyricist, Vincent Fang, is also a genius who I admire--- he just seems to use all the right words at the right time... It's not that Jay's always perfect... I remember one of his albums which I thought was absolute crap--- but he has so many amazing works, the good overwhelms the bad completely. His latest album is beautiful. Anyway, Jay's songs probably make up half my library...


2. J. J. Lin (one-repeat-level: 9.8)
Now here is the guy with the amazing voice. Unlike Jay, he's never wrote anything I outright hated--- and I guess that's a good thing. Most of his songs are at a general better-than-average standard, but then some songs are absolutely amazing. Going by all this, I guess it's unfair to say that I still like Jay's music better... but, as cheesy as it is, I just feel that Jay's music resonates with the soul. Not that J.J.'s music doesn't, but just... not as much, and no in the same way.


3. Sodagreen (one-repeat-level: 7)
Without a doubt, my favorite Chinese band. Apparently they're kind of indie--- but I didn't really feel that way. Sure they're definitely not mainstream pop... but it didn't feel indie to me. Whatever, indie or not, they sound good and that's all I care about. The vocalist's range is fucking insane--- and his voice is orgasmic. That is all.


4. VAE/ Hou Xian (one-repeat-level: 6-7)
They're actually 2 completely different people and different artists, but I'm grouping them together because I like them equally. VAE's voice isn't something that appeals to me, but some of his songs are amazing. Then there are other songs which really aren't my type, and then you get to the ones which I just think sounds horrible. Except his good songs are really, really good, and it's something I can listen to for as long as I listen to Jay's stuff. Hou Xian is just... good in a generic way. 90% of his songs are actually just so nice, and I can't find any fault in them, but they're just not... good enough. His lyrics, however, are quite poetic, and I do like that a lot.


5. Everyone else. (one-repeat-level: 2-3)
Then there are artists who I listen to when I "feel" like it--- not that they're not great, but they don't really appeal to me as much as the ones I listed before. Stuff in here includes S.H.E., Fahrenheit, Yan Jue, Mayday, Leehom Wang, Anthony Neely...etc. I don't even remember.
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Then there's the Japanese section--- and this is going to be significantly shorter, I guess.

1. Sako Tomohisa (one-repeat-level: 8)
This guy has like... the perfect voice. The way I feel about his voice is the same I feel about J.J. Lin's voice. It's just so smooth and soothing and everything nice and tranquil. I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. Well, I love his music. I even love his covers of English songs, and I love his Japanese accent... I don't know why but it sounds really cute.


2. Vocaloid (one-repeat-level: 6-7)
Yeah I know that Vocaloids aren't even people--- so what? Music is music, and music sounds great. I just have this strange addiction to vocaloid music. I listen to all the mainstream (male) ones, like Kaito, Gakupo and Len, but on occasion I will listen to Miku, Rin and Gumi. Vocaloid is sweet stuff...


3. Alice Nine (one-repeat-level: 5)
This is my one and only exception to "I don't like metal". Awesome band--- used to be my favorite until Sodagreen came along. Their music has a real energetic feel to it- that, or it's just generally refreshing. The only reason its one-repeat-level is so low is because I can't stand loud sounds... even if it's music I like.


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Alright, English. Technically my best language... but for some reason it's hard to find music I like.

1. Jason Mraz (one-repeat-level: 8)
I don't think I even need to explain this one. I think it'd be extremely difficult for anyone to dislike one of Mraz's songs.


2. EVERYONE ELSE. Yeah yeah, I know it seems lazy to be doing this at no. 2, but I seriously having trouble deciding who I listen to more... I'm pretty sure that I listen to them all at a similar frequency. This includes: Taylor Swift, Train, Owl City, Adele, One Direction (yes I listen to 1D, stfu), Justin Bieber, Maroon 5... and whatever else is popular at the time. I don't think I get much real enjoyment out of these, but I listen to keep up with times. Some of them sound decent though.
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Last section: Korean music. Now I don't speak an ounce of Korean, and that's probably the only reason I don't listen to much Korean music. When I don't understand what they're singing about it makes the song less appealing. If I like the music enough, I usually find myself an off-vocal version.

1. CN Blue (one-repeat-level: 5)
I think I already mentioned that I liked CN Blue, because it didn't sound like trash pop. So yeah, there you have it.


2. Super Junior/ SNSD (one-repeat-level: 4)
SJ is so famous... but come on, let's face it, their music is fucking terrible. Occasionally they're really catchy, but even then I'm like, "wtf am I listening to?" What I feel about that group is that the majority of them are just there to look good, and the rest aren't quite attractive enough. Their dances are pretty cool though... and I guess I do like their attractive men? As for SNSD... after being brainwashed by Gee and Oh!, I'm not sure I can even judge their music. They do have really nice legs though... All of them.


3. Misc. (one-repeat-level: 6-7)
What I listed above aren't the only things I listen to... but apart from those I guess I just pick up random tracks from whatever sounds good at the time... So I can't really give a better name to this category. It's the kind of music, though, that'd motivate me to learn some Korean.


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Okay, I'm done. And you're probably thinking, "well, above fucking time". That, or you scrolled all the way down in a tl;dr state. Oh you silly bugger, why are you even here then? Or maybe you just have some compulsion to read everything here whilst thinking that everything is oh-so-boring-and-painful-to-read. Poor you, I feel sorry for your masochistic tendencies.

But if you legit read through everything I wrote... well, go listen to what I like, because my tastes are awesome.

New Year Stress

New year's eve is tomorrow, and I'm feeling stressed as hell. I feel as if my irritation gauge is at its peak, and it's getting harder and harder to resist the temptation of slamming my door in someone's face. Have I ever mentioned how much I hate living where I do?

I think I'm one of those people who prefer quietness to noise after all. I don't think of it as me being socially withdrawn... it just feels... better. Therefore it's nightmarish for me when I'm trapped in an environment where nobody will ever shut up, and you wake up to the same voice-raised argument everyday. Maybe my room is just really bad at keeping sound out--- but I'm more inclined to think it's because no one else in this house knows how to speak quietly.

It's not even just all the yapping. Whatever it is that people are saying, if they never stop, soon enough it gets annoying. Except when all they have to say is all that you don't want to hear, it's enough to make you wish you were born deaf. What use is hearing if you can't even hear what you want to? It feels like I have schizophrenia or something. Apparently people with schizophrenia hear voices all the time, talking to them, yelling at them, distracting them. Always near, always present--- and the voices never say anything positive. Well, THAT IS NOT MUCH DIFFERENT FROM HOW I FEEL WHEN I'M AT "HOME".

...Man, it'd suck to be a schizophrenic. Wish they found a cure for it.

Anyway, I guess I can hope for a better year, and leave all my troubles behind. Or just leave my entire family behind. That's pretty much the same thing.

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Moneyz

As you know I've been working since December--- and I've saved up a bit of money that I don't really want to touch, because I want to give that to my brother at his wedding. I went on the internet and searched up "wedding present ideas" and it turns out that the most desirable gift always came back as money. It may seem thoughtless or insensitive or whatever--- until you realize, hey, we live in a material world and money is sweet as.

As a result, I've labelled all of my December income as "untouchable", and I seem to have spent all of January's income on some stupid shit or rather. The number of books in my room is piling up at incredible rate, I have a new 3DS and the various games and accessories that go with it--- then there's my new pocket watch, my miscellaneous spending at the movies, eating out etc. Anyway, it's like I saved half and spent half. So now we're in February and it's dreadful because I realized--- oh holy shit I didn't save enough money for a laptop.

I've been looking at laptops lately, and everything I've been remotely interested in is around the $700 price mark. Then there's the computer accessories that come with a laptop- case, mouse, software, antivirus. I remember my brother telling me that getting a new computer was like getting a new girlfriend- she seems sweet but you go broke buying her accessories. So in reality I'm looking at making at least another grand this month, mostly for the laptop, and the spare money is for emergency situations and general pocket money.

I can see why people worry about money so much. It's annoying not having any when you want something. But a new laptop is no where near as dire and desperate as food and water, and I feel a little guilty thinking that if I bought say, medicine, food and water with my laptop money I could probably save some lives. Except if I think that way I'll just end up in a dilemma of desire vs. guilt, until I finally conclude that I'm a selfish prick and I don't actually care about anyone else--- I want that laptop, dammit.

I figure that I'm probably not a very charitable person in general--- well, it's not like I have the money to be generous anyway, but I'm thinking that even if I did I probably wouldn't donate to charity on a regular basis anyway. As far as I see, as long as I'm not dodging all my taxes, I'm paying back society by working and not being  a burden, and the taxes I pay are helping the poor in some way or other anyway. Even if I do spend money on a new laptop--- at least I'm keeping the economy afloat, right?

I read a piece of philosophy somewhere, and a man said, "it is not shameful to spend luxuriously  After all, it is the duty of the rich to spend, as it keeps the economy alive."

...I quite like that philosophy--- now I just have become rich enough to adopt it.

Tuesday, 5 February 2013

Needles

Went to see my GP today, got immunised for something or rather and got some blood taken out. It hurts. It's not a searing pain that I constantly notice, but whenever I move my arm I'm reminded that it's there--- and that pisses me off. I feel a dull pain even from just typing this, right now. Maybe it actually doesn't hurt--- maybe I'm just imagining pain due to some psychological factor, like knowing I've been stabbed by a needle in a particular place--- but whatever it is, I can feel it now and it's really bothering me.

It's only the beginning of February, but I'm dying for the end of the month. Yes, that's right, I'M GOING TO BE MOVING OUT. This is possibly the most exciting thing ever. Not having to see my parents' face for a good portion of the year- not having to hear them whine and yap to me about every little insignificant detail. I know life is hard and whatever, but sometimes, if you just stop thinking about stupid shit, and realize that there's no use worrying over it--- it's like, voila, you're actually pretty close to being happy.

Anyway my accommodation and pile of paperwork has sorted itself out. I guess it's nothing to be super-stressed over, in the end. As long as I do it eventually, it's no big deal. It's depressing realizing that I won't have a job once I move away--- I've grown quite attached to my Christmas casual job (no I haven't quit and I haven't been sacked), it's a shame I have to move. I would've liked to keep the same job--- my co-workers are nice people, after all. I doubt I can find another job where I can dump the work on someone and just stand and smile. That's okay though, I'm sure I'll be able to find something half-decent along the way. It's depressing if I keep on thinking about my lack of money all the time.

Oh- Valentine's Day is coming up. Reminds me of my miserable one-sided crush a couple months ago. That was somewhat embarrassing, though I seem to have selectively wiped most of it from my memory. Like, I remember that it was embarrassing but I don't actually remember why it was embarrasing. Not that I want to remember, I guess.

...I suppose Valentine's is one of those stupid insignificant things I should stop thinking about.

Well, I'm going to rest my arm by not-writing any further. Bye.

Sunday, 3 February 2013

Maple Story

Huh, I didn't realise I didn't write for 5 days. I guess I just kept on thinking "I'll do it later". This is comparable to... procrastinating procrastination? Anyway, I've been working, as usual- and when I haven't been working, I've... been doing other... things. Yes.


Well, I started playing Maple Story--- and no, fuck you, don't give me that look. STOP JUDGING ME. I've never played before, and I must say that it doesn't really appeal to me. I mean sure the graphics are really cute, and there are millions of ways to customize your character... but what's the point if you can't even see it properly? Also, being able to change clothes reeeeally doesn't make up for every other problem I have with the game. Firstly, I don't like getting swamped by monsters. Yes, it does feel good when I aoe and kill them all in 2-3 hits... but it disturbs me how I have trouble finding my own character. Combat to me seems to be spamming certain skills while occasionally jumping up to avoid being hit... Which is actually okay, I guess, but I miss being able to combo.

My next problem is the super-confusing tutorial and the stupid dialogue. There's a lot of reading to be done- and I really don't have the patience to read during a game--- Maple Story annoys me to the next level by not letting me automatically accept quests, and having a slow-as-hell text display speed. Now, that shouldn't be a problem, there should be text speed adjustment in the settings, right? APPARENTLY NOT. There probably is a way to do it, but at this stage I'm thinking "if adjusting text speed is something I have to resort to Google for, this game is shittily designed for something so text-heavy".

Then there's the fact that I hate platforms, and how I keep on falling off them. No, it's not just because I suck at platform games, but I also attribute it to the fact that I can't see where the platforms are. Everything's so colorful, looking at my screen makes me think that I'm looking at a "Where's Wally?" page. I seriously cannot tell whether I will fall off if I move one space left or right, unless I stare really hard. All the NPCs are crowded together, and I'm really dreading having to deliver one message to another NPC. Oh, and all the quests are stupid. I know most RPG quests are stupid, but the ones here seem to be the old-fashioned kind of stupid. "Kill 200 monsters within your level range to warm up your hands!" "Kill 100 slimes because they're so gross and slimey!" "Deliver this message to my little brother who happens to be inside the house, which is right next to me" "Deliver this back to my older sister who is just outside the house I'm currently standing in"

...

And sometimes I just feel like telling the NPC "go do it yourself, you lazy fuck"

My eyes...


So yeah, there's my totally unbiased and objective review of the game Maple Story.