Why I want to be a doctor

Why do I want to be a doctor? That's the question I've been asking myself for the past 3 days. Mostly so I can finish my university application and prepare for the stupid-ass interviews which follow. I don't think I've failed so hard that I can't even get a single interview offer.

Anyway, getting back to the question, which I've deliberated on for so long. It seems simple enough: because I want to save people. Because I loooove science. I like challenges, I like exploration, I like furthering myself  with studying medicine and become a better person. Look, I'm simply ranting and I've come up with a fucktonne of reasons. The only problem? NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

Saving people? Please. I wouldn't want to let someone die in front of me, but I have no interest in making "saving people" a job. If I become a doctor I'll be pulled into this endless vortex of "can't let the person in front of me die", except during some point I'll realise, "hey, I'd rather not be here." I'm not a saint, and I'm not superman. It's not like I've never vacated a seat for an old lady, or offered to help an old man carry his fucktonne of groceries off a bus--- except that was circumstantial. If it's happening in front of me, I can't ignore it. Becoming a doctor is comparable to me starting an agency for helping old men carry their groceries off buses (actually, that doesn't sound too bad). Argh, what am I saying. Point is, saving people just... doesn't strike a chord with me. It's more a consequence rather than a motive, if you know what I mean.

As for science... pffft, fuck science. I've hated biology since getting my first B in science in year 8 (wtf is a cytoplasm), and I can't say I've ever liked physics. Well, high school physics created some bad memories. It was badly explained maths (as it made no sense to me at all) coupled with theory I couldn't even remember. Then recently I've started hating chemistry after bombing the class. Yeah, you could say that I like a class as long as I do well in it, and I don't actually hate the subject--- but the thing is, I've never failed anything that I actually liked. Okay, science is a bitter subject, let's leave it. I'm feeling too much negativity towards it to do the subject justice. But as of now, science is a no-no.

I guess the challenges and exploration characteristic is only half false--- after all, I do enjoy challenges once in a while. Except that's not enough to make me want to do med. I'm far too complacent to want to push myself harder than I have to--- after all, I'm the sort who prefers to just drift along and do whatever.

Lastly, furthering myself and becoming a better person: that's quite valid, except again, it's more of a consequence as opposed to a reason. No doubt going through med school will make me a better person--- except at this moment I have no intention of making myself a better person. There are no great moralistic flaws within me--- and there's nothing else than med can do that time can't improve.

Now that I've countered all my arguments (as you do), I'm back at where I started. You'd think that after all this time, I'd learn to lie a little and just go with whatever I came up with. Except I don't want to lie, at least not in this matter. It'd seem from all this that I don't really want to do med--- and maybe it's true. Except I don't want to give up just yet. Not when I haven't made sure that med actually isn't the right choice for me. Look, the most likely reason so far is probably my Dad pushing me into it--- and the only other course he'd agree to is like a combined Law and Economics degree. Law's okay, but I've seriously had enough of Economics.

So today when I asked Dad, "why do you even want me to do med anyway?" he gave me some bullshit answers (I'll tell you about that later), then he said, "you know, you don't have to do med." It was difficult to control my violent impulses after he spoke those words--- after all, he was the one who raged so hard on Friday night, after I'd "failed" my UMAT.

Argh, I'll think about it later. I know I'm one of those lucky people who'd be good at whatever the fuck they do (I had like an 88 average in Economics, despite hating the class). I shouldn't worry too much--- I do live in the first world.