Me; Anti-socialist

I don't know why I agreed to go to the Asian BBQ today. It seems I've become much more obliging lately. I should've known that I'd have a bad time. Someone told me that I regret going to events because I don't try hard enough to have fun--- but when the only friends you have at an event decide to sit down and talk about DotA endlessly, I don't see how I can have fun. I guess the only problem is that I don't play DotA. Now people are gonna be like OMFG HOW CAN YOU CALL YOURSELF A GAMER IF YOU DON'T PLAY DOTA or something like that. Well uh... I don't see how there's a correlation between identifying as a gamer and playing DotA?

Though there's probably a correlation between being Asian and being good at DotA

I wouldn't like to admit that I'm a generally socially awkward person. I don't... actually see myself that way. I mean, from the looks of it, I have plenty of friends, I'm capable of making plenty of new friends, and I'd say that I'm generally okay. The bad side of me only comes out after I've known people for a while, but I assume by the time they realise I'm kind of an asshole they decide it's too awkward to break up the friendship. So generally I'd say I was alright. Except I'm like the biggest party pooper ever. 9/10 parties I attend I will sit in some corner by myself, plug in earphones and start playing on my phone.

It's not like I know nobody there (because then I wouldn't go to the party). It's not like I dislike the people there (they're all my friends). It's just that I don't find anything exciting. And I don't even see it as my fault. I'm not difficult to amuse--- the world is just too boring to suit my tastes. My friends divide nicely into two groups: male and female. All the males can talk about is DotA. DotA DotA DotA. Fuck DotA.

Then you've got the girls. Now girls are wonderful. They're young, they're pretty, they're bright and everything else lovely. Except their conversations are a little bit too classy, and a little bit too girly. I get extremely confused about why a particular actor who I have never heard of is "hot", and why everyone is laughing at this joke which I understand but do not find particularly funny. Wait, we're complimenting someone's outfit now. Oh right, nice skirt. Huh, it's a dress, not a skirt? There's a difference between skirts and dresses now?

From what I understand, whether it be dress or skirt, the shorter the better.

Most parties these days are kinda like, freestyle. Everyone go mingle with whoever you want, because the numbers are so large, and everyone kind of do what you want because it's too hard to organise. I... tend to be the sort to look forward to some activity at a party. At least a game, even if it's a shitty game. I'm so impatient, and I get bored so easily...

This is the part where I say: I should just stay indoors and do my maths. Except I don't actually want to stay indoors. I miss socialising, even though most of the time my efforts end pitifully. Oh, the dilemmas of life.

Mid Autumn Festival

So every other Mid Autumn Festival has been rather uneventful- not this one. Some loser friend of Dad's gave him tickets for a Mid Autumn Festival show tonight, and since Dad's all about family bonding time, he decided we should all go. Now normally I'd avoid stuff like this at all costs, except Dad looked like he really wanted to go--- and he's been sad lately. Yeah, how strange, I'm feeling sorry for Dad. It's cos he bought some shitty tablet lately (not sure I've told you guys) because he was too cheap to buy an iPad, but he really wanted a tablet because apparently every other Asian Dad had one. He treasured that thing but then he gave it to my sister to play with. My sister, being the 5 year old she is, managed to smash the tablet and now the screen's fragmented. Eh, point is, I tagged along to this show.

Now the people who were performing were essentially a bunch of international students from China (because Mid Autumn Festival is a typical Chinese festival, right), so it's not like I could expect anything spectacular. Except they were actually so shit. Well, not shit, just... utterly uninteresting. It's like they might as well be shit, because then it'd be more entertaining. I swear for 2 hours straight it was just music music music from various "traditional Chinese instruments", except I am no longer impressed by traditional Chinese instruments because I've heard them a million times. Every single song sounded the same, and when they switched bands I couldn't even tell the difference.

Sleeping? No... I was just closing my eyes for a better musical experience.

To top it off, the show started with some Chinese ambassador giving a massive speech about giving back to your country, never forget where you came from, you're in Australia so you can learn things and help out your fellow countrymen, we are all brothers and sisters etc., etc. Like, it's a great speech, and I'd be moved if I wasn't already so Westernized. And hearing the people behind me, I'm not sure I want to be associated with my Chinese "brothers and sisters".

So the entire night I sat in front of these young people, who looked like they were in their early to mid twenties. Now, I didn't like the ambassador (simply because I thought what he said was a load of crap and because I wanted the show to start), but I have like... basic civility. Then you hear the people behind me saying "我操" twice every line (it means "fuck" in Chinese, in case you can't read that).  The simple fact that I wasn't swearing at the ambassador made me feel so much more... noble.

From observation and experience, I'd say 80% of these international students are actually scumbags. I mean, I swear plenty, but I know to control myself in a public venue. Maybe I was only thoroughly disgusted because my parents were sitting next to me, and I am sure they could hear (as well as I could) everything those people said.

After the ambassador left stage, more randoms came up to stage and babbled on about the hardships of studying overseas, but even so we must not forget good ol' China our dear mother country etc. etc. Forgive me for not being very patriotic. They just lost my interest when they said that we should always keep Marxism at heart. That went on for a good 30min, before the music played. As I mentioned before, it was pretty uninteresting.

Then in the latter third of the night--- shit got real. They've moved on from traditional Chinese (I'm not even sure it's traditional Chinese--- I mean last time I checked, traditional Chinese music didn't sound like crap) to modern interpretation. I gaped. It was so...utterly inappropriate. But maybe that's because I'm overly conservative. Still, loud music, sharp rhythms played, and then you got all these Asian girls (who looked like they were 13 because they were so short) on stage, wearing short shorts and shaking their asses. After 2 long hours of listening to boring-ass "traditional Chinese" music, I guess watching girls shake their asses was rather attractive. EXCEPT MY PARENTS WERE THERE, AND ALL I COULD FEEL WAS SHAME. Like, omfg, I don't want them to see this. If I had to describe it, it'd be like having your model girlfriend invite your parents to her show, and then she starts stripping on stage to show off the season's latest fashionable underwear. Like, model girlfriend, hot stuff. Plus your parents though... it's just fucking embarrassing.

I'm on Mars right now. Please never look for me again.

But no, it didn't end there. The girls shaking their butts on stage tried out various forms of modern dance--- and the most recognizable move was ripped off from... Gangnam Style. When I walked out of the theatre I saw some little kid telling his mother: I know what they were dancing to! Then the kid mimicked the moves whilst singing "Op. Op, Op, Oppa Gangnam Style!!!" I wanted to cry.

1. I HATE that song.
2. IT'S KOREAN. THE "GANGNAM" HERE REFERS TO SOME DISTRICT IN SEOUL, WHICH IS THE CAPITAL OF KOREA, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN. I mean, I love Korea, but are you seriously ripping music off another to play on a festival which emphasizes the theme of loyalty towards China? After that 1/2 hour speech about how we shouldn't forget our roots.... ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Oh, but it didn't end there. THEN THEY PLAYED THE OPENING OF Gee by SNSD, which is a Korean girl group. I'm like, FFS, is China devoid of its own music? Sure Gee is popular and SNSD is great, but--- oh the irony of the night is killing me.

Argh, I give up my rage. The entire world wishes they were Korean. Why do I bother resisting. It's just that... if they insist on playing Korean music... why can't they play something decent? Gee is sooo overrated. I prefer CN Blue.

At least they're hotter than PSY

So uh, that was the most memorable part of the night. Being embarrassed as hell, and being ashamed to call myself Chinese after what happened. So much for cultural pride. I DON'T RECALL SEEING ANYTHING GREAT ABOUT THE CHINESE CULTURE. What, are we famous for shitty "traditional" music and rude international students who like saying "fuck" twice every sentence? ARGH.

I guess it's good that I'm being frustrated, because at least it means I still care about China, in some deep, dark corner of my heart.

Oh, there was a good part to the night though. There was this choir (Rhythm Syndicate Choir, I think they were called), and their conductor had a sexy ass. Couldn't see his face, I was sitting at the back of the theatre--- but I remember thinking to myself, huh, not bad. Then there was some funky band from Sydney--- the singer had a cute voice. http://www.facebook.com/VOICEINPANDA <--- there's their fb, if you want to see. I like their name.

Well, enough rage for one night. I'm going to sleep. This is by far the most... different Mid Autumn experience I've had.

Sympathy Overload

So given my failure to chase the person I like, my friends are enjoying quite the show. Though it is at my expense, I guess I don't actually mind. Except now everyone and their mother is giving me advice on how to get a date. Goddammit. I know what I'm doing, and I'm know I'm pathetic at displaying affection. However, it does not mean I need everyone to tell me to do this and that. It's like... I don't give a flipping fuck what you think about me, whether you think I should stalk my love to their house or get close to them by being present in every single one of their classes.

I sound more ragey than I intend... It's okay, I'm just irritated. Wouldn't you be, too? My patience wore thin today, and I shouted my confession at a bus platform in the centre of town. Why did I shout, at such an inappropriate location? Because at least there were few people from school there, and because I CAN'T SEEM TO GET CLOSE ENOUGH TO TALK. Omfg, it's like, I take one step forward, they take 1 step forward. Irritatingly maintaining a constant distance.

Move ONE inch closer. I fucking dare you.

You're probably rolling your eyes in front of your screen thinking, "whoa man, back off already. They obviously don't like you, just cool off". I WOULD IF I COULD. Goddamn. I just need a response. A positive reply would make me... ecstatic, a negative reply would make me relieved, because at least now I can walk away. Like I previously mentioned, my patience is gone. I'd be lying if I said "I'LL WAIT FOREVER".

The suspense is killing me.

But seriously people, I DON'T need or want your sympathy. I'm OKAY. Not depressed, not going to kill myself, not going to develop an inferiority complex. Just... calm the eff down. IT'S OKAY IF THEY DON'T LIKE ME. There, I've said it. Just because I like someone doesn't mean they have to like me back. I know how I keep on making jokes about how it's impossible not to like me, but in reality, I U-N-D-E-R-S-T-A-N-D. ...I can accept being rejected...

Life goes on, with or without my sudden bouts of attraction towards someone else.

NightFest

Went to "NightFest", and as you can guess, it was at night. It's a floral exhibition, except you couldn't see shit because it was dark. Sure there were lights and stuff... but I can make more impressive things with my LEDs from year 8 electronics. No, I didn't go for the flowers. I don't find that sort of stuff very interesting--- sure I appreciate beauty and the lot, but uh... yeah, that stuff... wasn't my kind of thing.

Why did I go? Because I managed to convince a certain someone *cough* to go as well. Despite their uh... delicate bodily conditions. I don't know why they agreed (I had the understanding that it was unrequited love on my behalf), but eh, they did. Under normal circumstances I would not be so vain (no pun intended) as to think that they went for me (I know my behavior could be described as "pestering", but it was not so bad). However, I saw no reason for them to agree to my shitty proposal. Sure we had a couple of mutual friends there--- but uh... eh look, it's just not right. Not to mention the fact that their body reacts badly to flowers.

YEEEAH, flowers and shizzz. *SNEEZE*

So I was pondering in my head, maybe the relationship between us is like the precipitate of a solution in equilibrium... Most reactants go to form a precipitate, but even the most "insoluble" precipitate dissolves somewhat and returns to its ionic forms. Bad analogy? Okay. What I'm saying is, though the whole "liking" business may be one sided, maybe reciprocity exists in atomic quantities.

And of course I'm pathetic enough to rejoice over such pitiful thoughts.

Except uh... they spent the night mostly... avoiding me. Man, if anyone filmed my behavior last night and showed it to me, I'm not sure I'd survive the embarrassment and self-condemnation. I'm certain that after last night, the quantity of my dignity (if such things can be quantified) has fallen from 0 to negative levels. As my friends puts it: "So it's like you started with no dignity, and now you're just looking to be shamed." I must sadly agree.

So they're walking at a constant pace, inconveniently 3 steps ahead of me. Then you've got me running to up chase, until we're walking alongside each other. Aaaand then you see me being ditched before I can say much, because they're running forward to merge with a group of friends who are walking ahead still. Then those friends who are behind me (watching me try and fail with amused expressions on their faces, I assume),  make that "OOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH" sound, like, "OOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUH YOU JUST GOT DITCHED BIG TIME". Bitches.

Okay, my friends weren't that bad. They were actually rather uh... "supportive". As I caught up to that someone once again, my friends conveniently drifted off in different directions, and some purposefully stopped walking/pretended to look at flowers, until the two of us were pretty much isolated from the group. So I turn, prepared to say "hey, I like you" (and prepared to be completely and utterly shut-down, of course), but I didn't even have a chance to do that. As soon as we were alone, that someone RAN OFF AHEAD TO NO ONE. Like, the first time, sure, at least there were friends walking in a bunch in front of us. But it's like... they just bolted away. So I catch up (as you do), because after running a couple meters they walk. And when we're alongside each other again--- THEY TAKE OFF AGAIN. Like, what the shit, man. Given that I have no dignity, I ignore the obvious sign that I'm unwanted, and follow tail. Then I follow them inside some place WHERE THEY MEET UP WITH THE REST OF OUR FRIENDS.

GOD. FUCKING. DAMMIT.

Look, the saddest thing in life is not to be rejected by the one you like. The saddest thing in life is to not even have the opportunity of being rejected.

By then I called it quits for the night, and joined up with my awesome friends (because they are for at least helping me try), and told them of my shameless endeavors. I complained to one friend, "BITCH JUS' RAN AWAY ON TWO LEGS, WTF WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?". He shot me one of his side glances, and replied wittily: "chase after 'em with four." I was beside myself with laughter.

Look, I had a fun night. It was awkward, yes, especially since I was rejected so many times. I guess I would rather it if they just said to me, "can you please back the fuck off, I don't like you." Like, that's harsh, but I guess then I'd know, and I can accept that kind of stuff. I hate it when I over-analyse the situation myself and keep on deluding myself into thinking that "I HAVE A CHANCE".

Though I suppose that kind of thought will go soon enough, when they find someone else or something. That'd suck. Then I'd wallow in self-pity for about a week, before I remember: "hey, I'm fucking awesome"

One day, I swear, one of these days, I will find someone I like, who will truly appreciate that I am, in fact, the most awesome person on this planet.

Why Dad wants me to be a doctor

So that time, when I asked Dad, "why do you even want me to do med" (yeah, bad idea, I know. Why do I even bother talking to that guy) he actually answered my question. Though as expected, his answers infuriated me and prevented further discussion on the subject matter.

What he said:

1. So you can take care of yourself, so you know what to eat and what not to eat 

(Seriously, am I that retarded? YEAH LET'S FEAST ON MACCAS EVERYDAY BECAUSE THAT'S TOTALLY HEALTHY AND STUFF). I said, "might as well be a dietitian then"

2. No, but it's not just about what you eat, it's so that you know more about your own body so you don't get sick, and you can treat yourself

3. If I get sick in the future you can treat me

4. Oh, and then there's they more honorable reason, which is to save people.

And then I asked, "what if I don't want to save people?"

Dad: WHAT, YOU DON'T EVEN WANT TO SAVE YOUR OWN FAMILY? 

In my head, I sorta went, "well currently, no, not really", but what I actually spoke was, "no, I mean I don't care for anymore beyond my immediate friends and family."

Dad: WELL YOU'RE A LITTLE COLD-HEARTED THEN.

...That may be an understatement.

I like how Dad didn't actually mention the stable job and high income thing. Maybe he knows I would just find it even more repulsive then. Though what he mentioned was almost just as bad. Sure, it has merit to it--- it's just hardly appealing. Dad says I'm too stubborn to see his perspective, and that I'm so set against it that there's no use in convincing me. 

I'm not that hard to convince, unless I have next to no respect for the person trying to convince me.

Well, I don't see a positive relationship with Dad any time in the future. The temptation to throw him my money in the future but never visit is far too great. I felt a bit bad when he expressed discomfort at my going away, but then 10min later I vow to get as far away from this house as I can.

...Now let's fulfill that vow by lying a bit on my application form. Who knows, maybe one day they won't actually be lies.

Why I want to be a doctor

Why do I want to be a doctor? That's the question I've been asking myself for the past 3 days. Mostly so I can finish my university application and prepare for the stupid-ass interviews which follow. I don't think I've failed so hard that I can't even get a single interview offer.

Anyway, getting back to the question, which I've deliberated on for so long. It seems simple enough: because I want to save people. Because I loooove science. I like challenges, I like exploration, I like furthering myself  with studying medicine and become a better person. Look, I'm simply ranting and I've come up with a fucktonne of reasons. The only problem? NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

Saving people? Please. I wouldn't want to let someone die in front of me, but I have no interest in making "saving people" a job. If I become a doctor I'll be pulled into this endless vortex of "can't let the person in front of me die", except during some point I'll realise, "hey, I'd rather not be here." I'm not a saint, and I'm not superman. It's not like I've never vacated a seat for an old lady, or offered to help an old man carry his fucktonne of groceries off a bus--- except that was circumstantial. If it's happening in front of me, I can't ignore it. Becoming a doctor is comparable to me starting an agency for helping old men carry their groceries off buses (actually, that doesn't sound too bad). Argh, what am I saying. Point is, saving people just... doesn't strike a chord with me. It's more a consequence rather than a motive, if you know what I mean.

As for science... pffft, fuck science. I've hated biology since getting my first B in science in year 8 (wtf is a cytoplasm), and I can't say I've ever liked physics. Well, high school physics created some bad memories. It was badly explained maths (as it made no sense to me at all) coupled with theory I couldn't even remember. Then recently I've started hating chemistry after bombing the class. Yeah, you could say that I like a class as long as I do well in it, and I don't actually hate the subject--- but the thing is, I've never failed anything that I actually liked. Okay, science is a bitter subject, let's leave it. I'm feeling too much negativity towards it to do the subject justice. But as of now, science is a no-no.

I guess the challenges and exploration characteristic is only half false--- after all, I do enjoy challenges once in a while. Except that's not enough to make me want to do med. I'm far too complacent to want to push myself harder than I have to--- after all, I'm the sort who prefers to just drift along and do whatever.

Lastly, furthering myself and becoming a better person: that's quite valid, except again, it's more of a consequence as opposed to a reason. No doubt going through med school will make me a better person--- except at this moment I have no intention of making myself a better person. There are no great moralistic flaws within me--- and there's nothing else than med can do that time can't improve.

Now that I've countered all my arguments (as you do), I'm back at where I started. You'd think that after all this time, I'd learn to lie a little and just go with whatever I came up with. Except I don't want to lie, at least not in this matter. It'd seem from all this that I don't really want to do med--- and maybe it's true. Except I don't want to give up just yet. Not when I haven't made sure that med actually isn't the right choice for me. Look, the most likely reason so far is probably my Dad pushing me into it--- and the only other course he'd agree to is like a combined Law and Economics degree. Law's okay, but I've seriously had enough of Economics.

So today when I asked Dad, "why do you even want me to do med anyway?" he gave me some bullshit answers (I'll tell you about that later), then he said, "you know, you don't have to do med." It was difficult to control my violent impulses after he spoke those words--- after all, he was the one who raged so hard on Friday night, after I'd "failed" my UMAT.

Argh, I'll think about it later. I know I'm one of those lucky people who'd be good at whatever the fuck they do (I had like an 88 average in Economics, despite hating the class). I shouldn't worry too much--- I do live in the first world.

The Storm on a Sunny Day

The weather is fine outside, but as someone cleverly mentioned yesterday- I don't like the Sun. Perhaps it is because the brightness outside juxtaposes the darkness I feel within. The sky is mockingly blue.

I never thought I'd sound this bitter. This is meant to be the happiest period of my life. School is pretty much over, I have a high enough university entrance score, I'm doing classes which require next to no effort--- and even the classes where it does require effort, I'm with all my best friends and my favorite teacher. Nothing much can go wrong--- or so I thought. Then my UMAT score came. Look, I thought it was okay. I honestly do. Unlike most people, I wasn't overly emotional. No tears, no cries--- not even a sniffle. I blinked, and thought to myself, "oh, okay". Then I went back to doing whatever. Then the reaction of my parents came into the equation, and shit went down.

Remember that girl who I keep mentioning--- the girl who goes to the same school, shares some of the same classes as me and whose mother is a complete and utter bitch someone who I do not like very much? Well, as it turns out, I scored higher than her in the UMAT. No, I'm not bragging (not my intention), but this is the girl who my parents use against me in every single conversation about school. Only because we live close to each other, and the fact that she smashes me in maths and chemistry. So last night at the dinner table, my parents were howling about my UMAT score, and about how all my friends beat me--- and then I said, "well, I beat _____". I'm terribly sorry to have said that. That was... truly... not very nice. Not that I'm generally "nice", but that... is something I wish I hadn't said. It was basically me acting like my parents--- and that is almost the last thing I wish for in the world. Of course my parents then yelled that "WE DON'T CARE ABOUT ______"--- and from thereon I was too distracted to feel bad about what I had said (though I feel bad about it now). Don't care about her? How about you guys stop mentioning how she's better than me at everything then?  Argh. But of course they don't care. I know they only care about me in the end... it's just that their efforts to give me a little bit of pressure and competition so that I try harder... I'd say it's had an adverse effect, and it's made me more edgy than I'd like to be.

Then more stuff happened that night, I'd rather not relate. Parents kept on telling me it was my gaming, that I never took anything seriously, and that they wouldn't be so angry if I'd given it my best shot and then failed. Well, though what they said is partially true, that is, I didn't do as many practise papers as I possibly could have---but they have no right to say that I didn't give it my best shot. I had improved tremendously those 2 weeks of practise I had--- there was this section of UMAT which I scored in the 40th percentile in--- then over practise it rose up to the 70th percentile. On the actual UMAT, I scored over 80th percentile in that section. Considering how I have absolutely no talent for non-verbal reasoning, I'd say it was a rather solid effort. My parents don't know how I got up at 5.30am to do practise papers, so I could avoid the server crash on the site. As for my other sections--- one section remained a steady 85-95, the other one ranged from 60 to 100, depending on how pissed I felt when I sat the exam. The only section I "failed" was the section which appeared solely dependent on my mood--- I do remember being upset on the actual day of the UMAT, because of my Dad being a douchebag in the car (as usual). God knows I hate travelling with him to school in the mornings, and how much I hate driving with him.

Look, I could technically blame my UMAT "failure" on Dad. The one section I wasn't good at, I worked to improve. I could argue that it was Dad who trashed my mood (like he always does) and thus caused me to fail the mood-dependent section of the UMAT. But I'm not going to blame him, because unlike my parents, I don't blame others for my own failure and I don't take stuff like this out on other people. I know I'm responsible for my own actions. Like, he made me feel bad on the day, but he wasn't the one who took the test. I was the one who read the paper, thought about it, and chose an answer. I'm willing to accept the consequences of my own actions.

--------------------------------------------
I'm going over to a friend's house to get a breather. Hopefully I don't have to come back until late night. This house is suffocating me.

Eventful day- UMAT Results

First week of term over, and the amount of work I have is somewhere near catastrophic. I'm only glad that the work we do is relatively simple. I guess I'm slightly exaggerating when I say catastrophic. It's not that bad. Maybe I'm only saying it's not that bad because I'm happy. I'M HAPPY! DO YOU HEAR THAT WORLD? VANE IS HAPPY. Why, I hear you ask? Because the person I like talked to me for longer than 5 minutes.

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Does that sound pathetic to you? Yeah, it sounds a little pathetic to me too. I kinda tried a little too hard, in making my intentions clear. But I was happy. Happy for--- for long enough. I walked out to dinner with a smile on my face, which is rare these days. I mean, of course it's rare, considering the shit my parents put me through. First thing Dad said to me at the dinner table: HOW DARE YOU SMILE. Then my smile froze on my face, and I was unsure how to react.

See, Dad was mad, like, legit mad about my UMAT score. I did okay (but that's my own opinion), except it was literally 1 point below the cut-off for the university my Dad wants me to get into. I responded with, "why are you so angry?", which in hindsight probably was not a very good idea. Then you have my Dad and his angry Asian Dad expression going, "ANGRY?! I'M NOT ANGRY. I'M JUST SO DISAPPOINTED IN YOU." I turn to Mum helplessly, and she gives me a cold stare: "you're smiling because you don't have to do med now, aren't you?"

......

Wait, so she knew that I wasn't that passionate about med? Well, what the fuck was it with all those dinner table conversations about me being a doctor then? Then she started doing that thing, where she's talking to herself, like, "well, we've done all we can for you, it's your own path now. You decide your own future. etc. etc." I wish she'd shut up. If she really let me decide my own future, she'd shut the fuck up when I said I wanted to do psychology/IT.  Both my parents insisted that I'll get stabbed by crazy people if I do psych, and that I won't get a job if I do IT. Screw what I actually want to do--- they just want to shove me into Economics/Finance/Commerce (none of which sound very interesting to me, btw), so that I can "be rich" in the future. I know they care for me--- I just hate them for caring. Call me ungrateful, w/e. I've heard that plenty.

So yeah, it was a pretty shitty night. And then I get 1/2 my friends telling the world that they performed spectacularly (UMAT) on facebook. Wonderful. I really needed to know that. Then the other 1/2 of my friends are just plain depressed. Well, it's not like I can rub it in or anything, can I? Basically right now I've progressed from my happy mood to one which is essentially doom and gloom.

Can you really blame me for being moody? I'm rather forgiving of myself on this point. I think I can stay happy- quite easily, if my parents weren't around.

Self Reflection

Ever wake up one morning, and think to yourself: "hey, I'm kind of an asshole"? Yeah okay, you probably haven't had that. I went through that though. Alright, it wasn't a sudden realization, I always knew. And I never cared. Quite frankly, I still don't care. Except I'm starting to think about it.

So it started when today I decided to skip out on dance class. Heh, no, I don't actually dance. I wish I could, but if I wanted to learn that bad I wouldn't take a dance class at school. The only reason I signed up for dance class was so that they wouldn't move my maths classes around: after all, I only want one particular maths teacher at this school. Remember me complaining about the class allocation system a couple of months ago? Anyway, I signed up for dance so I'd get the right teacher for maths. And as it turns out... I'm screwing over the people who actually want to do dance, because I've taken up their spot in the class. See, I haven't shown up to class since the term started (though admittedly I only had two classes since). Oh and... I refuse to move out of this class until they fail me for lack of attendance.

I REFUSE TO LEAVE

Yeah, that's a pretty big dick-move. But the thing is, my maths class is overly-full, and the teachers can still forcibly move people out of their lines if possible. If I leave dance now, I'm going to get chucked into a shitty maths class on the time slots where I'm currently supposed to do dance. Of course I'm selfish enough to stay in dance- after all, nobody wants the crappy maths teacher on my dance line.

After going through that entire thought process, I walked around for the rest of the day, rather amused, thinking, "huh, I'm a bad person." Then I remembered this friend of mine, who I causally insult all the time- so much that it's become a bit of a habit. So I'd go up to him, and I'd be like, "hey can you help me with chem/maths/whatever", and if he takes more than a minute I'd call him retarded, despite the fact that I'm technically asking for his help. Or I'd ask him to teach me content I'd missed in class, and then it'd turn out that he didn't learn it properly either--- at which point I insult him once again. I wonder why he hasn't punched me in the face yet. Maybe he has masochistic tendencies and likes hearing me insult him (I know you're reading this bro, calm the fuck down. I'm joking, I love you lots and lots etc.)

Here, have a love heart

Then there's that time, not that long ago, where I flipped out on another friend, and admittedly I said the most hurtful things I could and the rudest things I've ever said to anyone. Essentially I had raged at him in a strangely eloquent manner, despite the fact that I was, you know, raging. I don't quite remember what I said, but I remember that it was mean enough. Oh well, I assume (well, more like "hope") he's gotten over it by now.

And roughly 30min ago, I said to my friend who is soon going to America: "I can't imagine you as an American. I mean, how can you possibly get any fatter than you already are now? " Yeah, I guess that was uncalled for. I couldn't help myself.

Heh, why do I even have any friends? I guess my awesomeness just makes me irresistibly attractive.

Eh.

School started and school sucks. As soon as I get back to school I realise how I didn't miss it after all. Day 1, and the work falls on me like an avalanche. So glad I dropped English though- despite it being my favorite subject, it was a pain to read for the sake of an exam, and to write for the purpose of achieving higher marks. I've reached that psychological dilemma where I feel as if everything is rather purposeless in life: why the hell are my parents so worked over school... as if my marks define the person I am. If marks were directly proportional to how nice a person you are, I'd be near sainthood. In reality, I'm a bit of a douchebag. Okay, more than a bit. I can admit that.

But seriously. All my parents whine to me these days is about my future career and income... and to be honest I really don't think doctors make that much money, so I don't see why my parents are lamenting over the fact that I failed my med entrance exam. Not like being a doctor was going to make me a billionaire, unless I could run a monopoly on health care and jack up the prices. Then I'd be rich, but then I might as well be the reincarnation of the devil himself.

Oh why are my parents so pitifully middle class? And why am I such a pretentious bastard, to say something like that? Ergh, I guess it gets to you, after a while. If all someone ever talked to you about was money money money and grades grades grades, you'd probably become more and more like me. I feel like I'm Emma Bovary (if you've ever read Madame Bovary). I now desperately crave for something more... I wish I had the money, the financial means to support myself, while I did what I wanted all day long. I could draw, I could write, I could be a psychologist. All the fields which I'm interested in, tend to make shitty income. I suppose if I could get to the top of it pyramid it'd be a different story, but eh, what are the chances. Though I'm somewhat confident of my abilities... I doubt I have the luck. Not that my abilities are that great anyway.

It's such a dilemma, when what you like does not make you any money.  I'm not carefree enough to say "screw the financial burdens! I'm going to live life! Pursue my dreams! Be happy!" In fact, I'm certain that a particular level of financial stability is required for any form of happiness. At least my parents and I agree on that front. Oh, I dread to grow up to be like my parents... become a part of what I currently describe as "pitifully middle-class".

Well, let's hope for miracles.

My Roommate Dumped Me

No, not that sort of dump. I didn't actually marry him after he bought me insect spray (because that'd be kind of strange). However, he moved out. Now I feel a little bad, a little strange, and slightly empty.

No one to harass me about maths/chem in the middle of the night, no one to say at 1am "hey let's watch a movie", no one to buy me more insect spray when my window becomes infested with spiders, no one to cook me food, bring me tea and wash my dishes for me. And all that stuff aside, he was a nice person. He wasn't loud, he didn't disturb me, we didn't fight for the bathroom (like I had to with my brother). He didn't have any bad habits either, and his room was sooooo much more cleaner than mine. Fair to say, you only start appreciating someone when you lose them.

I guess I understand why he moved out. It's kind of awkward, being here when I'm depressed half the time and hyper the other half. Then there's the matter of my parents. They think they're being so nice, but not from my perspective. Eh, we've grown apart (that's an understatement).  Plus the fact that I don't try very hard to entertain him--- I'm afraid of appearing needy 1/2 the time... so I do my best to leave him alone and to not harass him. That probably came across as being cold towards him. Gah. Is there ever a clear line between how much you should interact with someone so that you're at the "friendly" yet not "creepily over-enthusiastic" level? I have trouble defining it. This is what's defined as "socially awkward", right?

Heh, I'm kinda troubled about my image. First World Problems.

My Results

So I thought I sort-of failed this session: but as it turned out, no, I didn't really fail. Well, at least if I actually did fail, it was relative. Maybe my standards have dropped. Either way, I'm rather happy.

I should be getting my reports and comments soon, but I've got my unit score already. I was pleasantly surprised when I realised I blitzed my psychology exam (51/55). I did not study at all. I was... amazed. I beat alllll these kids, who had studied their asses off for psych. Wow, life isn't fair. Sucks to be them.

A few days ago I was growling about English, because I thought I failed my final exam (didn't finish the essay I was supposed to write). Then it came back as a 96%... which was strange. I have no idea why that essay was worth a 96. In my opinion, it was a shitty essay, but I'm not going to complain about nice marks. Of course immediately afterwards I became dissatisfied, because despite my lowest mark all session being a 93.5 my overall scaled score was 91.  Yeah, I remember complaining about that 93.5 when I got it, and people around me were telling me to stfu. Well as it turns out that 93.5 cost me.

As for maths and chemistry... eh, maths was okay, chemistry sucks. I hate chem. I really do. But to improve my chemistry score I must take 2 lines of it next session. That's so annoying. I now hate science in general, since chem's gone. I wish I could say I will never study science again, but last night Dad asked "are there any med schools around which doesn't require a good med entrance score?" Guess Dad's not going to give that dream up easily. Heh, Dad's so conflicted sometimes. He wants me to be a doctor but he also wants me to be a multi-billionaire. I mean, you could classify being a doctor as a high income job, but in my opinion, the input-output ratio of effort vs earnings is actually pretty fucking terrible.

School starts tomorrow, too. Another session until I get out of college. I'll miss the atmosphere, but I can't say I'll miss the work. Oh, and another session til I can get the fuck out of this house. Fuck yes.

When Expectation Meets Reality II

ON THE TOPIC OF LIKE, LIKE-LIKE AND LOVE.

Enter Expectation and Reality

1.Who would you be with, the person you love or the person who loves you?
The person I love.
The person who loves me

2.What do you do if the person you like doesn't like you back?
Persist until the very end, I will get what I want if I want it bad enough.
Give up, walk away calmly. What isn't mine will never be mine.

3.What if you don't like the person who likes you?
Tell them that, move on.
Toy with their feelings for as long as it amuses me, decide that I really don't like them after all and this back-up option is not really necessary. Tell them, move on.

4.What kind of person would you be with?
The perfect kind: good looks, rich, charming personality etc. etc.
Anyone who would be with me.

5. Why would anyone like you?
Because I'm perfect.
Because miracles happen.

6. Do you believe in love?
Yes. It's rare, but it's out there, somewhere. It exists.
Fuck no.

7. How long do you expect a relationship to last?
We might have an on-and-off relationship, but true love will last forever, and we'll be together in the end.
2 weeks.

8. Is like, like-like and love the same thing?
No, they're completely different things. 
Yeah, they're pretty much the same to me. Different words, same crap. Like, love--- it's ultimately lust.

9. Why would you fall for someone?
Because I love them.
Because I can't find anyone better. Or maybe because they have a nice face and body.

10. What do you think the destiny of your love is?
Our love will prosper and we will live happily ever after.
It'll end a fucking tragedy. Like Romeo and Juliet, except Juliet becomes a crack-whore and Romeo is gay for Juliet's Dad.

I really have nothing to say

I feel sleepy. And I have not much to say. Except someone is harassing me to update. Not that I have nothing to complain about, except even I'm sick of hearing my own complaints. Ergo, you must be sick of hearing them too.Typing on this ancient keyboard is really awkward. Backspace is so tiny, and I make too many errors while typing, so backspace is not unimportant. I want a new keyboard, but since this one works perfectly fine (and I daresay it;s rather durable too, considering how it's survived so long), I'd feel rather guilty purchasing another keyboard simply because it feels better typing with it. I'll probably adjust to this one soon enough. It's just painful how I have to press so hard on each key for it to register. Typing = effort now. I swear the key sinks a whole inch when I press it down.

So uh... I spent time outside today, A rare occurrence, considering how I have my computer and books to indulge in. I helped my mother in the garden, though she did not appear very appreciative, and is convinced that I only did as I was told because she was getting angry. I... really miss the company of sensible people, who understand my pains.

I'm rather resigned, I'd say. There really is nothing I can do. And if I can't solve the problem, talking about it won't help either.

Struggle is futile.

I want richer parents

So technically I'm on holidays, but amidst my gaming I've stopped quite a few times, and thought to myself: I should do some maths. Except I don't have any maths to do. It's like...I've had too much fun, and it was time to brace myself for the pain of work. Someone I know repeatedly calls me a masochist. I see where he's coming from.

However the only thing which qualifies as "work" at the moment is my mother's stupid homework. I might've said that she had handed it in a while back--- and I wasn't wrong. Except somehow, she brought it all back, with an extension to the end of the month. I feel violently trolled.

Instead of doing her homework, I decide to procrastinate instead. I'd rather do maths. This is the worst assignment ever. I don't want to be here. Life sucks. I said I wanted to get a job, but my parents are now harassing me to get one. FUCK, I'LL GO AT MY OWN PACE, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE. Mum wants me to sign up for some agency which finds me work in childcare centres--- fuck childcare centres, fuck childcare in general. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT. All because her stupidass bitch of a friend told her that her daughter (same age as me, same school same class etc.) is doing that. Well, WHAT IF I'M NOT HER, AND I DON'T FUCKING WANT TO WORK IN A CHILDCARE CENTRE. Mother insists that I'll be rich afterwards, making $150 per day or whatever--- this type of work is irregular, I'll have to drive myself to whichever childcare centre all over the city, and stay for like an hour or 2. NO, I DO NOT WANT TO DO THAT. No matter how clear I make myself, she pretends not to hear and raises the same issue twenty minutes later, stressing how her friend's daughter is doing the same thing yadayada. 

Fuck my life.

At dinner time Dad decides to bring up the topic of how I'm wasting my life now that I'm on holidays, and I should totally go out and find a job because I'm on holidays etc. No, because I don't need a break and I can work non-stop for eternity. Then Mum brings up the topic of uni: "now that you've failed to get into med school, what are you going to do with your life". I mentioned how I quite liked IT, then Dad jumps straight to economics and finances, thinking that if I do a double degree in that at uni I'll automatically land myself in a high-paying job, and I'll know everything there is to know about investment and money and I'll be a millionaire. I took a minor in economics. I fucking hated it. It bored me. And you know what? Economics isn't all about money. Money plays a big part, but no, they do not teach you how to become an overnight millionaire by playing stocks in economics, contrary to my father's beliefs. In fact, if being rich was only a single economics degree away, I'm sure the world would be flooded with wannabe economists by now.

I hate people who know nothing about a discipline, but refuse to shut up about it.

Now both my parents are bombarding me with the "what are you going to do with yourself" question, hoping that I'd come up with an answer within this 2 day breaks I've had. They think they're being soooo subtle, bringing up the fact that university is expensive and prices are going up etc. Yeah, I fucking get it. You don't want to pay for my uni fees. OKAY. I'll go find a job or whatever. If I get booted out of the house today, I WOULDN'T DIE. 

My parents keep comparing me to the children of their "friends", who were somehow less clever than me in high school, but by college were able to find a scholarship and get themselves into med school. In my mind (as it is the only place I dare to do so), I'd like to compare my parents to the parents of people I know, who literally started with nothing in life and made their way up, and have more than a million dollars in their savings account. Life's not the way you want; I'm not that perfect child every parent dreams of. As for my parents, they are far from the ideal parents I want or would like to have. 

And what am I to do? Blood is thicker than water. There is no other way. I'll have to deal with it.

After all, nothing is as bad as it could be.

Broken Keyboard

My keyboard broke. And no, it wasn't from me playing too much games and mashing my keyboard too hard. I realised today that it was actually the receiver thingy for the wireless keyboard that was broken. And THIS, is why I hate wireless. It's a shame, really. I loved that keyboard. I'm now typing with this ancient keyboard with one of those round ports. I had to restart the computer to get it to work. And it's a pain to use. I have to press down so hard before anything registers, and the sound of my typing is so annoyingly loud. I want a new keyboard.

I actually bought a new keyboard not long ago, but I broke it by spilling tea all over it. Well, it's not fully broken, it's just that the "c" button doesn't work. As it turns out, I don't use words containing "c" very often, so I didn't notice until I tried typing "can't". It's rather annoying, missing that key. And I really hate my current keyboard. The backspace key is too small, and I feel my fingers jamming...

Buuut I'm without a job, and I should probably watch my spending. It's getting rather awkward, how I spend something like a hundred dollars per week. But things just...happened. Well, I blame it on how Dad's stopped paying for all my bus fares, so that's roughly a dollar a day, or 2 when I have to catch the bus to and from school. It doesn't seem like much, but since I had only $300 left, it was...bad. I actually remember where my money goes, and I don't feel as if any of it was unjustified.

I hate not having enough money in the bank. This is why I got a job in the first place- so I wouldn't face awkward situations such as this when I like, break my keyboard or something.

...Yes, I should find another job. School's not that bad anymore, I can handle it.

I'm Cold. Again.

Being in my room right now is like being in Antarctica, except I have no penguins to chill with. In other words, my room is just a shittier version of Antarctica--- cold as fuck, minus penguins. I do, however, have my shark, but sadly it doesn't seem to have any temperature of its own. I wish there were like...live, fluffy sharks. That'd be pretty cool. Warm blooded, of course. Then it's like, I have a warm fluffy shark heater.

See it's technically spring, and I anticipate that 1/2 my friends will come to school with hay fever. Holidays last for one week only, before I have to get my ass back to school. It's going to be so painful, starting work so soon, after exams and everything. I should treasure the one week break I have. Well, I suppose I have been gaming non-stop since my exams finished, though the official exam period is not yet over. Yeah, it turns out I'd rather play a MMORPG by myself as opposed to not playing at all.

I feel a little guilty, turning on the heater though it's relatively warm now. But I was freezing before--- felt as if my circulation was being cut off. Nasty stuff. I'd shower and warm myself up, except I can't be bothered getting off my chair. Oh dilemmas.

...I guess I'll go back to gaming or whatever.

What a Wonderful Evening

Come home, start the computer, game time. Lock the boss in a combo while Mum walks around behind me in my room, talking about how I should clean it and she needs to borrow one of my pencils and whatever else she said. Loses concentration, boss jumps out of combo. I die. My gamer rage gauge just snapped. Funnily enough, I didn't say anything to Mum. I think I must have died a little on the inside.

10minutes later, I stop playing games, and while I do things on the computer I hear my parents shouting at each other outside. It makes for nice background noise. I turn on some music, but vaguely I can still make out my parents blaming each other. Perhaps if they calmed down and worked towards a solution, instead of finding fault within one another, they'd get somewhere. I'm just sayin'.

Now I'm tapping my foot restlessly, wondering why the day isn't over. I wish the night sky was lighter, so I could see things outside. The music I have on repeat is wearing on me. I wish it'd rain--- I miss hearing the sound of rain.

Maybe I should just turn to sleep.

Final Exams Over

Finished my final exam at 10.20 this morning. Feels good. I thought I did well, then after the test I realised that I got all this crap wrong. Oh well. It felt good while it lasted. So I came home, and the only thing I've done since then is play games. One of the greatest griefs of the first world is playing a MMORPG by yourself... as if it were a single player game. My friends have all ditched me for their physics revision, because the physics exam is scheduled for Thursday.

While I'm glad that all my exams are over, and that I don't do physics, I'm slightly pissed at the fact that I hardly have a proper friend who doesn't take physics. I really don't understand the appeal of physics. Maybe it's due to my recently discovered distaste for science in general. If this school offered spiritual studies instead of science, I'd take that instead. 

At least I thought I liked chemistry once upon a time. I can't say the same for physics. Ever since year 8, I've hated physics. As much as I hated biology, in fact. My brain just wasn't well-adjusted to remembering how you label different organisms. On that note, the study of cellular structure is the worst thing ever.

Well, I'm going back to reading/wasting time/gaming. Now that I have no work, I guess I'll do everything which I've wanted to do in a long time, without guilt, without regret.

Fuck This Shit

So my mother's homework... I thought she handed that thing in. Apparently not. Just then, she asked me how to do some stupid question. So I tell her what I think the question means, and how I'd answer it. Then she hesitates for ages, not really understanding. I get increasingly frustrated along the way, having to explain the same shit 3 times, and watch her stare at me with a blank expression. Then she's like, "ohhhh, so that's what it means" and she'd give an answer that was completely retarded. It's like teaching someone 1 + 1, and you say "so you have 1, then you add another 1, and now if you count it all, you have 2." And after 5 seconds, they'd go, "ohhhh, so I've got one, then I've got another 1, so in the end it's another 1?"

Lucky she was in a relatively good mood, otherwise I'd have copped another hissy fit from her by now. Can't say the same thing for Dad though. I told Mum I had another exam tomorrow, and I complained to her that her homework was more of a pain for me than for her. Then Dad's all like, "WELL GO DO THE WORK THEN." ...So naturally I fire up at him, because fuck it is not my responsibility and I will not cop this kind of shit. Then he shouts "GO DO YOUR WORK THEN" and I seriously wanted to punch him in the face. Too bad going against your parents like that is too much of a crime.

But seriously. WHY. FUCKING WHY. Every day I hear my Dad complain about how difficult it is to stay awake, reading his medical textbook, and how tedious it is to study and whatever. "Oh I read for like 2 pages and I want to fall asleep", is his complaint. It's okay that he's complaining about the pains which I suffer on a daily basis, but for him to criticize me for not doing my work after all that... how much of a faggot do you have to be?

Fuck, this is a bad day.

I want to smash every single dish in the house

So  apparently it was my turn to wash the dishes, right. Okay, whatever, I don't keep count of this kind of crap. That's why I don't announce "HEY GUYS IT'S MY TURN TO WASH THEM DISHES DON'T TOUCH LEAVE IT TO ME". ...I would never say something like that, anyway. Not in my character.

My roommate finishes eating first, so he takes his stuff to the sink. Aaaand he starts washing them. I finish eating next, and since he's got his hand covered with dish-washing liquid I figured he was essentially volunteering to do the dishes, otherwise he could've just left them there for me to wash. I pass him my stuff, and as soon as I do that my mother reminds me, in her annoying screechy voice, "OI IT'S YOUR TURN TO WASH THE DISHES." So I stand there awkwardly. Like, what am I supposed to do, shove my roommate out of the way and say "DON'T TOUCH THOSE THINGS IT'S MY TURN TO WASH THEM"? Actually, that's what Dad did, a while ago. Shoved him out of the way, as he was 1/2 way through washing the dishes, went to my room, dragged me out and told me to do them instead.

Anyway, I grab a wiper and start cleaning the table and benches etc. While I do that my mother continues, "THERE ARE ONLY LIKE 5 PLATES AND YOU DON'T WASH THEM. HOW LAZY ARE YOU" etc. etc. Well, if there are only like, 5 plates, does it really matter who washes them? Goddammit. This is why I hate this house. My roommate is so nice, yes, but this is like the nth time he's tried to be nice to me and it's worked against me. It'd be better if he did nothing at all, but I can't tell him that. That's just... mean.

Stupidass parents and their stupidass obsession with stupidass dishes.

End of Session Exams

I have my last exam on Monday morning, then I'm free. I'd be mostly done with college, and next session I can just take whatever classes I like and relax for a bit. Words cannot describe how excited I am... I've never been more eager to sit an exam.

Though I must say this session has been a pretty crap one. It's one of those sessions where I've got every teacher I want... but it's still crap. The subjects we've been studying... omfg. So in psychology--- a subject I usually like--- we studied various kinds of development through the human lifespan. I'm actually so sick of the word "development", and I have no idea wtf we did for the entire session. Like, my teacher was actually great (thinking back), but maaaan the topic we did was a piece of shit. The only thing which I liked was theories by Sigmund Freud, but he was a crackpot.

Then in maths we did calculus and statistics... statistics was okay, and then it was boring as fuck, and calculus was a downhill ride from day 1. Actually, I feel like I did quite well on my calculus exam... I really hope this isn't one of those instances where I think I did so well and then it turns out I got a 60%.

Aaaand there's chem and English left. Chem, I've recently decided to hate. 2 lab reports--- they drove me insane. Oh, and I got shit marks for it. That, plus the fact that I failed the first chem exam--- I don't think I did too well on the most recent chem exam either. Oh well. English? Well, you see, English is usually one of my favourite subjects. And it was. I had a 90+ average in English. Then my final exam on Friday came around. I must say it was the worst exam in my life. I walked out knowing that I was fucked, and I'd totally just ruined my over 90 average. ARGH.

Me + English

I would've had a breakdown and cried by now, but a wonderful, trusty friend of mine reminded me that nobody gives a fuck about my end of unit English exam. It's one out of the million shitty essays I've written for college, and now that this unit is over, it means nothing. That's kind of a depression thought, considering how much effort I put into my work sometimes, but it's also rather comforting at the same time, considering how much I've failed.

Oh, test week is always so depressing. I eagerly await my well-deserved holiday.