The Most Unhappy Evening

Have you ever felt trapped by an invisible cage? Every few steps you take, you hit an unseen barrier which pushes you back. You start to notice how cold and lonely you feel, despite the company beside you, due to this barrier. As you try to escape, you bring to yourself unwanted attention. Various people--- people you know, people you don't quite know, people you are certain you have never met before--- they all watch you. And you start to melt under their stares.

Many will walk by without notice. Others who recognize you will pause, take a look again. "Oh, it's you!" they will exclaim. Then you are forced to smile back politely--- and you become so practised that the expression of happiness plasters over your face. Yet the mask will break the second it becomes unneeded.

You pace about in your invisible cage, becoming increasingly aware of its limits. The barrier seems to be closing in, suffocating. The air becomes more constricting, and it becomes difficult to even breathe. More people come, and you are hardly aware of what they are saying. You can only respond back politely, half-guessing at what they might be speaking of.

Then at one point you realise you are an exotic specimen inside a glass cabinet, being dissected by many pairs of eyes. You recognize the emotions those eyes carry--- wonder, amazement, disbelief, excitement--- and you start thinking to yourself, "are they going to toss me a peanut?" Every inch of exposed flesh starts to burn----or freeze---- to numbness, yet the garments covering your body starts to tighten.

Various forms of "you look fantastic" come your way, and it brings out a feeling you cannot quite explain. You respond appropriately to your compliments, and as you do so you realise you have found a way to describe your feelings. You, my friend, are experiencing misery of the acutest kind.

After your realisation you attempt to flee--- though there is no escape. Perhaps it was not an actual realisation- it was something you had known a long time ago, but pretended not to see. You see people around you paired, facing each other, conversing. You look around the room, to find that the masses have sorted themselves into their own little groups. You, you are your own group, which in essence is no group at all. You are well and truly alone. Alone in that cold, cold glass cage of yours.

But rejoice! "You" does not actually refer to you. I suppose when I say "you", I am really referring to myself. It was I who was trapped by the glass, not you. It was I who had spent a most unhappy evening, not you. I am that exotic specimen...

 And dear Lord, I was miserable.