Where Now?

I felt so miserable for all of yesterday, in a way that was entirely overwhelming. I'd play the piano and the pace would be andante or slower, and sometimes I just missed notes because my fingers felt too heavy to lift and too weak to press down. Every song sounded like a melody of mourning and in the end I stopped playing.

I sat on the couch trying to think of nothing at all- meditation, if you will. I tried to block out the hideous thoughts I had, to no avail. I started crying spontaneously and I was a mess. At one point I was painting, trying to repair an old artwork my sister had damaged years ago... then as I drew I experienced anger so overwhelming I slammed my brush on the table and threw a tub of paint at the wall, with full force. The wall dented and I felt a sick satisfaction. I also had the urge to smash the glass in house, break every window and door. Shatter my surrounding to match my shattered self.

I didn't end up doing that. I thought about the thousands of dollars it would cost to replace everything, and how much of a mess it'd be to clean up the broken glass. My mother would be heartbroken, more than she already is. I hate seeing her that way, and I hate myself for caring. The words she spoke to me were despicably cruel, and I don't think a child deserves to hear that from their mother. Yet still they fell upon my ears, and sinced then I have been cursed with this turbulent mood.

I would be free if I was orphaned. Familial support means shit all when they don't actually support you, and what's worse is that it hurts double when they harm you. My "father" justified his shittiness towards me with "you don't tell us anything", and proceeded to vilify me with his self- serving logic and baseless accusations.

I do think violent thoughts. If I acted on them I'd be patricidal. I'd rather not let this man destroy my life further, so I exercise my self- control. Even then, he provokes me daily and asphyxiates me with his presence.

I'm leaving tomorrow, so I hope I will improve soon. I can't be like this when I have class and work and exams. I plan on finding a job, because I need money to distance myself from this abusive household.

And yes, this is abuse. I recognize an abusive situation when I see it. The emotional trauma I've received in the past 2 days is more than enough to show the toxic situation I'm in. I need to go.

Go some place where I can feel safe again.

I'd like to live on

This time, my "father" decided to talk to me for 2+hrs or whatever. I've never felt this close to hurting myself. People look down on those who self-harm, because it's attention- seeking behaviour, right. Well, what if I say, self-harm is one of the most effective methods of getting people to take you seriously. "You haven't tried killing yourself yet so it's not that bad".

Sometimes, people just don't believe when you tell them how you feel. Depressed but not depressed enough, as if I needed proof. Because my feelings can't be validated until I have enough scars on my body. And so I want to carve some flesh out in a minimal- damage kind of way. Not enough to kill me, more than enough for it to hurt, and just enough to make my story of pain and suffering believable.

I said I wanted to live on. And that hasn't changed. But the struggle is so real. I don't remember the last time I was in such a dark place. I don't enjoy existence as a failure, you know.

I can't even feel angry right now. What word should I use? It's difficult. Sad, certainly. What about... lost? A bit. Hopeless is probably a bit too far, disgusted is strangely close to the answer.

Sick is probably the right word. I'm sick, of myself, my situation, and the world around me. It gets better! Yeah, I know. I know it does. But I should call a suicide hotline or something. I'm so desperate and I still cling to this vague idea of "better" in the "future". And that's all I have to live for right now. My life isn't my own, my body isn't my own, my thoughts aren't my own. I don't even know what I possess in this world. I want to keep crying but I've been crying for an hr or two so I'm kind of sick of that as well.

I'm sick, yeah. Sick to the core.

Failure

I've always suspected that I was a failure to my parents despite being that A-grade Asian who got into med school. It was a 2nd rate med school, for sure, but med school nonetheless. Anyway, I was somewhat content with my achievements (if you could call it such), because as I advance further into my studies, I am also growing as a person. It doesn't feel like much, and maybe I didn't DO much, but I know for sure that I'm more mature and insightful than say, a year ago. Even 2 months ago. Not that my parents care.

And why should I care about my parents, right? They brought me into this world, raised me and cared for me, then put me through a great deal of grief as they shackled their expectations on to me. I tried to escape until their chains bore me down to the bone, Then one day, I realized, I was actually free, but by then I had tied myself up to something much worse - something called "responsibility". When I was young I didn't give a shit- I wasn't even vaguely aware of what "responsibility" actually meant. Now I realize, taking responsibility is hard, admitting it is also hard, and the word itself just makes me think bad things.

Anyway, getting to the point. My mother said she wanted to speak to me yesterday afternoon, and what resulted was a 2hr conversation in which she told me she'd rather if I was born retarded. Well, that's not giving you much context, but I promise you I didn't say anything mean or w/e. Not that I didn't see it coming- I actually imagined she'd say "I'd rather if you were dead". Yes, I provoked her- not like, intentionally, but people become very uh... I don't know how to say it. If they want to read things a certain way they'll read it that way, and justify being hurt by it. Never mind the original intention. It's like when you complain about having too much homework and some kid goes "I came from a deprived country where it's difficult to get an education, and you complain about homework". Like, the original remark wasn't meant to offend, but if you choose to feel indignant about it, wtf can I do? There's also not a lot of correlation between the two events, you know?

So yeah my mother said that to me, I felt like shit. Then she started crying, and I tried to comfort her by saying it'll all be okay, and she was all "how is it okay, at all" between sobbing and tears... Like, that is so sly, mother. You're the one who comes into my room, says hurtful things to me, and now you cry and make me comfort you when I'm still butthurt over your remarks. The guilt trip is fucking real. To this day I'm still fucking hopeless when it comes to people's tears. We can have a heated argument or whatever, but as soon as they break down crying I'm like "ohhhh I fucked up. Please stop, I surrender".

It feels unreal to have a confirmation that my parents actually don't like me for who I am. I used to say all these things, but I always thought it was just my depression talking. Like, you know how you're depressed you play out the worst-possible-scenario over and over, then you think you can read people's minds and you just KNOW that they're all fucking judging you? Well I thought it was something like that with my parents, but nope, they actually think I'm a colossal failure and that hurts my soul. I don't like them but it still hurts, you know?

My friends keep reassuring me that it's fine, I don't actually need my parents and they're terrible people anyway. And like... I know they're terrible people. I've lived their terribleness. They keep on saying they want me to be happy, but it's more, "we want you to be happy the way that we want you to be happy". That's hardly my ideal of happiness, though. Yet there's something that's difficult to ditch when it comes to the people who raised you, even though you know you disappoint them, and that you were never what they wanted. Fucking hell I wish they'd stop being so ungrateful. Too often I get called ungrateful because I have a decent education and a comfortable middle-class upbringing. Why doesn't it work the other way? Why can't they be grateful for a son who can draw and write and play a bit of music? Who's studying and making friends and aiming to become a better person?

Yeah ok I have my flaws. I play a fair bit of games and I'm pretty lazy. But I don't go out dealing drugs or traffic human lives. I could literally be so much worse--- but at this stage I don't even smoke and restrict myself to a standard drink every gathering.

Yet there's nothing I can do if you want to label me as a failure, by the person I am. If I exist as a failure, then so be it, because I'd like to live on.

Honestly

I've always wanted to be someone who was honest to himself, but that turned out to be near impossible. A long time ago I learnt that you will never achieve what you want, unless you embrace the desires you have buried deep within you. Too often, however, I felt severely betrayed by those who should have been my closest confidents, so I grew into the shitty person I am today, with a severely twisted personality.

I lied so much my lies almost became truth. "Fake it til you make it". Not to say that I trust no one and feel vengeful towards the world, but I do have some issues. Lying is almost 2nd nature; it protects me from harm, and people love hearing my lies. They gobble it up like vultures, because the truth hurts. Placed in an environment where I am punished for being truthful but rewarded according to how well I can lie... of course I became like this.

I should blame myself too, I know. I've always liked to be on the safe side, and I think I'm way too sensitive to pain. As it stands, I'd much rather inflict pain on others than have pain inflicted upon myself. You can call it cowardice, but I call it self-defense. I invariably end up testing those around me, poking and prodding to make sure they are "safe" to be around.

I don't know if I'll stop. I wish I could be good and noble, and feel nothing but righteousness in my heart. It is so much easier when you only see the world in black and white. As I navigate a palette of infinite possibilities, I become lost and afraid.

But for some reason, a while back, I decided I wanted to become a better person. Perhaps I won't be too ambitious to start with, but I had hoped, with each passing day, I would be a little wiser, a little kinder and a little happier.

I know I will still lash out viciously when someone crosses me, but maybe I'll stop pulling everything in as collateral. Maybe some day will come, when I realize, "huh, I have said exactly what I meant," and I will be strong enough to bear the consequences then.

Then perhaps, in the far future, someone might say, "I want to become the kind of person Vane has become; I want to be better than I am."

And I would be so proud.

Almost Back To School

I'm frantically calling up various agents about a place to live for the year, as school starts in less than 2 weeks. Honestly, my life has never been better, even though I'm probably about to go through the hardest year of schooling in my life. Well, that's what I said through y11 and y12, right? Haha, why does school never seem to get any easier.

Then again, I've always complained that life is hard. I'm trying to change that, you know. Not just trying to make life better for myself, but I want to complain less, too. Because I'm such a negative person, all I've ever done is complain about everyone and everything.

Now that I think of it, isn't it why I created this blog in the first place?

I have a feeling this "quest to being a better person" is never-ending. I feel like I've come so far, but some days I feel like I haven't changed at all. I still hate people who are always happy- it's probably out of pure envy. A lot of times I just feel flat-line, and when people try to disturb my state- whether that's by cheering me up or getting me down, I become invariably upset.

It's the first physical law, isn't it? Things like to keep on doing what they're already doing.