Was it fun?

I'm home early for once, and it's nice to be back when the Sun's still out. We're moving into Spring but it was rather cold today, surprisingly.

My date went alright, I felt heart palpitations when we were sitting together and I tried to figure out whether that was a physiological response to stress, to anxiety, or whether it was because I actually liked him. Maybe it's a mixture of everything, but I'm glad at least I could feel the beating of my heart- shows that I'm still alive. I like the feeling of not being alone, but my friend was like "WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING" and was trying super hard to make me break up with my date.

I get it. My intentions are questionable, idk what "true love" feels like and I'm 100% exploiting this guy's vulnerabilities. He may or may not have figured out that I'm an absolute twat yet, but I think I should tell him. I don't wanna like, lie and pretend to be a nice person or a good person when I'm really not. We may not be looking for the same things but I did enjoy his company.

Except wtf am I going to say? "Hey did you know I can be petty, cruel and display a range of sociopathic tendencies? I also have troubling insecurities which means I would rather break everyone around me before I let myself get hurt" Mmmmm idk, I'm just not in the mood for jeopardizing my own relationship atm. I'd rather let him figure it out one day and decide then, because I'm pretty happy at the moment with the way things are.

Selfish Vane always wins.

This isn't an excuse, but I enjoy the fact that someone likes me more than I like them. For once. There's no worry about "what if they don't like me back" or that feeling of loss when your feelings aren't reciprocated.

Was it fun? Yes. Will it stay fun? Probably not. Am I making a huge mistake right now? Potentially. Will I look back and regret this moment? Nah.

I'm happy, after all.