Anxiety

I was bragging just a month ago, about how I don't feel anxious any more. As my next exam approaches, I've found that feeling of being sick to the soul once again. I'm fine when I'm busy- my mind's too occupied with too many things and I don't think too hard. When I'm left alone to my own devices, I start to imagine catastrophic endings to every loose thread of my life.

Then I'm like, why do I bother worrying? What if I get run over by a truck on my way to school tomorrow? If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, would I waste my final hours worrying about failing an exam? Fuck no. So given life's unpredictabilities, why should I worry about anything at all?

The fact that I'm listening to a song called "It was a good day to die" probably doesn't help my pessimism. If I had a good day to die, I'd prefer to die before exams. I can't actually cope with a second round of failure.

Though in comparison to my friends, I'm faring so well. I complain of my anxieties but I don't suffer any physical manifestations. Apart from the general unpleasant feeling and the doom-and-gloom that happens to be part of my baseline, I am quite alright. My friend couldn't sleep and called off our study session together tonight. I just think- wow, I'm so glad I'm not you.

I think it's rather easy to lose sight of what you already have, when you spend forever chasing something you can't quite grasp. I do like to set my eyes on the goal, but when I lose something, it really helps to stop for a moment and count up all the things I already have. And I have so, so much. Part of my human greed means that I want more, so much more. And more will never be enough, either. At the same time, I'm learning to be a bit more appreciative of the life I already have, of all the privileges I have been afforded, and come to appreciate myself, for how hard I'm working, trying to maintain all my privileges in life.

So in the end, a bit of anxeity is fine. Let's crash through and see what's on the other side.