Search Harder

I wonder if I'm just really ungrateful, as a person. In general. I've been told as much by my parents, but since our relationship is in ruins I haven't really paid much thought to it, though it clearly bothered me at times. Now I'm concerned about something else entirely but the thought creeps back into my mind.

It's about the strange relationship I've gotten into. I'm totally enjoying being treated so goddamn well, but at the same time I'm acutely aware of the discomfort I feel. I've tried to break it down to WHY I feel this way- and I found so many reasons. Many of them entirely superficial. Like, the colour of his hair, the hairstyle in general, the collar of his shirt, the shape of his glasses, the frustratingly terrible grammar he uses when he tries to be cute. All of these things are fluid and can be so easily changed... but ofc you can't tell someone that you want them to look a completely different way without being entirely offensive, which is why I haven't said anything. I always thought to myself that "if I like someone enough, I wouldn't care that their face had rotted away or if they were bed-bound with illness". I still believe that about myself.

Which leads me to think I'm just finding reasons to dislike this person.

Why would I do that? Because I want something else. In front of me is someone who is nice enough to me, isn't a total wreck, and seems to care a lot about what I think of him. Which is really problematic for him, of course, but that's not my fault. My problem is that I'm looking for someone else. Someone entirely different. When I list all the things I don't like, it makes me realise- ah, I'm not comfortable around this person. If I could change everything I disliked about him, it wouldn't even be the same person in the end.

So essentially I'm just here for the feeling of not-being-alone. Which I feel pathetic about.

Every person is flawed in this world. I know that. My expectations are bodering on "unrealistically high" when it comes to a partner. I don't think I'll settle for less, because I won't be happy that way. I've decided to chase for "happiness" in my life, whatever the fuck that means. That fleeting feeling of contentment- I want it.

I need to search harder.