I don't understand how it works, how it's possible to feel lonely whilst surrounded by people. I went out to dinner last night with a good friend, we watched our school musical together afterwards. It felt like a date, and I enjoyed it so much. But she wasn't my girlfriend, and I felt strange because I saw some colleagues from work there (with their partners)- our glances met and they nodded at us with a smile, and I knew then that we'd been mistaken for a couple. I felt like I had lied, without lying, and I felt so empty inside.
My work is still going, I'm still trying to study for that exam I failed, admist mounting pressures to complete assignments and whatnot. I procrastinated again by going to lunch with a friend again; she introduced me to her new bf and his friend. They were nice people, but I didn't know what to talk to them about... often I just find myself stunted for conversation.
Then, in first-world-problem style, I'm going on a date with someone who I'm convinced likes me more than I like him. I don't think the problem lies with me, however (I may have a problem with narcissism), I just feel like this guy gets way too attached way too quickly. Like we're just casually flirting and he went from 1 to neckbeard real quick. My friends are concerned that I haven't dumped him yet, but to me it's like... well, it's the first time in ages I haven't been linked up with someone who's actually insufferable or retarded, and this guy makes me laugh. Not because he's funny, but because he says things that are wildly inappropriate and cringe-worthy in the context of the conversation, I just. Yeah. It's like those memes you see on Facebook about random men approaching women like "hey bb u want sum fuk". Will I find it less amusing and annoying as time goes on? Definitely. For now, I'm happy enough to see where things go. I just feel like he's has a mould in his mind of what the future should be, and he's already envisioning me fitting that mould, and I'm like "WTFFFFFF DUDE DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME". I say I can't meet his expectations, and I don't mean that in a self-deprecating sort of way, but I'm fully expecting a full display of the jarring effects of unmatched expectations vs reality. Ahhh, that's going to suck. Oh well.
Now you're reading this and you're like "wait wtf, this guy sounds terrible! What are you doing Vane?" Welp, all I can say is, certain attributes about a person can make me extremely tolerant of all their shortcomings. I don't think I'll expand on that, because I feel pathetic even as I type this (like holy shit I despise myself for my lack of integrity and shallowness).
So that takes us back to the title. Is it okay to feel lonely? Probably. But I've had a lonely year, losing all my friends to various things, and now BOTH my best friends are overseas, it's killing me on the inside. I don't think a relationship with an overly attached man will fill the void that has resulted from a disconnection from friends and family, but still I'm pathetically using this guy who likes me way too much, because I like being liked. You shouldn't base your inherent sense of self worth on someone else, but due to social conditioning I don't want to feel unwanted or undesirable. Never have I been so certain that I could break someone if I decided to reject them, and that makes me feel... powerful.
Yeah okay we've arrived at the point where I'm thoroughly disappointed and disgusted at myself. Wonderful.
I hope my date goes well.
I hope I like him.
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