Somewhere between now and my last post, I've managed to fail my exit exam, gained unwanted weight and slept somewhere between 4-6 hours every day. It's not the life I wanted, that's for sure.
I think the failed exam serves me right for being so self-assured and confident, I hadn't been confident in like, 4 years (basically since uni started) and I guess this degree just doesn't like me having any semblance of self-respect. On most days I flip back and forth between "I can do this" and "someone must have dropped me on my head when I was young", and right now I can't explain my level of retardation without a history of traumatic brain injury to back it up.
I don't really want to admit that I was too cocky to study for this exam- I just didn't expect to actually fail despite not studying. Wait, that sounds really bad, doesn't it? What I'm saying is, I just didn't study as vigorously as I did for previous exams, because I was assured that I knew what I was going to be tested on. I was fairly confident I could handle it... and welp, I couldn't.
Was it anxiety? Was it just bad luck? I guess I'll never know. I didn't feel too bad on the day, I didn't even feel too terrible afterwards. I'd been complaining to my friend that I felt emotionally blunted these days. I used to laugh loudly but now my lips just twitch in a way that vaguely resembles a smile, and I used to cry uncontrollably but now I just feel a little lost with no great grief. Maybe I've just gotten over the things that used to play on my emotions- like how when you fall over as a toddler you cry, but when you get older and you fall you just get up and keep going.
Anyway the only solution is to NOT fail my second exam, and if I want to lose weight I probably need to stop eating again. It's hard because I've grown accustomed to food lately; I get hungry way too easily now. I mostly got shamed into eating lunch because everyone at work sat down and ate together, and it'd be a real social thing to look at what other people were eating. Everyone got super-concerned when I didn't have anything, and nobody believed me when I said I just didn't eat lunch. So I brought like some fruit to try and be social, but then people were like "wtf how poor are you" and it's like, no, I just didn't want to eat. Anyway that's all in the past because I started packing lunch and now it's just sad if I don't eat because I feel the worst hunger.
Welp, my life is currently a bit of a mess, I kind of know what I need to do but I kind of don't. I just want to hang out with my friends and have a bit of fun, but it's hard with all that's going on right now. I just want to binge anime and games, and go out to parks and stuff with my friends. I wish life was easier.
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