I declared myself an atheist a long time ago, then some time after I read "The God Delusion" by Richard Dawkins, I decided I was more agnostic. Which from what I understand, is another way of saying "I don't know lol". I didn't really believe in God, because growing up I had a really negative view of religion- I saw that it turned people into fanatics, and the power of religion scared me. As I grew older I realized that fanatics were probably extremist in nature, and with or without religion they would find an excuse to commit their crimes against humanity, so it didn't matter whether it was one God or another, or no God at all.
More and more, I saw the positive effects of religion. I met a bed-bound woman in a nursing home, whose body had been ravaged by disease. She had lost control of her limbs, and when she spoke, her voice was soft. However, there was light in her eyes, when she told me that though she had lost a lot, she still had a lot. "I still have the Lord, and He is always with me".
And of course I wasn't enough of a shit-head to tell her "but God isn't real, I must free you of your delusions as you spend the rest of your days in agony". I can imagine some people who would do that, believing they are warriors of the truth, liberating us all from lies and deceptions. Let me get this straight right now: being cruel doesn't make you an honest person, it makes you a giant twat. I swear I've seen so many of these "brutally honest" people around me, and every time I want to scream at them for being so fucking dense and socially retarded.
Back to my original story about my relationship with "God". I was at a stage where I wasn't sure whether God existed or not, but I didn't want to join either side of the argument, because I... I just didn't think it was worth arguing about. I didn't really care that people wanted to pray, or that they wanted to starve for a couple days, or wear garments that covered their hair. Whatever, as long as they didn't want me to do the same, I was like, "yeah go for it".
Then because I occasionally express the opinion that religion can be a positive force in life, people around me got really excited. They wanted me to look at websites about Jesus Christ. They wanted me to go to church groups. The Christian youth groups are really popular at my school. But for fuck's sake, I wasn't interested. I thought that God might exist, but it is my firm opinion that the Bible is nothing more than an historical artifact, and NO ONE should live their life 100% based on something that was written that long ago. Like, if you travel back in time, sure, it might've suited you then. Idk if you guys have ever read the Bible in great length (because I sure as hell haven't), but for the small bit I have read--- it was fucked. I felt so gross after reading like, the first chapter, that I didn't want to try ever again.
I can't remember where I saw this quote, but it was basically like, "I believe in God, but not what man says about God". And that's sort of where I'm at, except I'm not sure I'd call myself a believer. It's more... I'd like to believe that there is a God out there. God that is capable of only what God is capable of. Please, let me explain my rationale.
So people like to think that everything that happens in this world is the will of God, and that everything happens for a reason. I don't think things necessarily happen for good reasons. There's your cause and effect, but that's as far as it goes. As Stephen Fry so aptly puts- if God created everything... what the fuck is the deal with children getting cancer? Maybe you haven't seen many children with cancer- but I've seen a few and it's seriously fucked. Now, I don't like kids, but they're really simple creatures... they can be cruel and careless, but they're really just... kids. They don't understand a lot, they just do what they do. And to see them suffer, it's somehow harder to watch that, than watching an adult suffer. The rational adult can see through "cause and effect", they know that they have cancer and that's terrible. For a kid, they're just in pain, but they still want to play with crayons and watch the new kiddie movie or w/e.
I honestly don't want to believe in an omnipotent God who controls everything in the universe. Because our world is fucked and whoever created it must've been fucked, as well. It's much easier believing that we exist by coincidence, that there is no greater purpose, and good things and bad things happen by chance and it doesn't really matter in the end. The promise of "heaven" seems so shallow for the suffering people have had to endure- for eternity is not a promise of happiness, and you can't artificially make people happy without sadness to contrast. The afterlife seems like a strange fallacy for me, but I'm not a religious person, so maybe there is a good argument I have not heard.
What I actually hate, right, is when people attribute these humanistic qualities to God. Or the Gods, whatever. To imagine that the Gods can be jealous, that they fight within themselves, or that the one God has anger in him to smite us all for our sins. If that is the case, then they are not Gods, simply humans with great power to fuck our lives over. Like the rulers of ancient times, like the politicians running our country *cough*. Recently (because I'm Australian) I've picked up that another similarity between our politicians and "God" is that they really hate gay people.
No, the God that I'd like to believe in doesn't hate gay people. He doesn't hate anyone. To say that God hates is simply wrong, because you don't need a God to hate, we are perfectly capable of hating anything and everything, whether it be ourselves or each other. I believe that God is love, and that God is capable of loving everyone. And THAT, would be a Godly feat, because fuck, there are some disgusting people out there.
An acquaintance of mine, who I'd describe as the "good Christian girl" type, once spoke something about homosexuality being a sin, but God loves the sinner and hates the sin. That really rustled my jimmies, so to speak, because why would loving another person be a sin? Fuck that twisted logic. Another acquaintance "liked" a post on Facebook about how Christians shouldn't get tattoos, because of its Paganistic origins. That seemed really pedantic as well, and I don't know why not-tattooing reflected Christian values. Like, I don't have a tattoo on me, but the preacher down the street might, and he seems to devote himself far more than I ever will. It seems so stupid, that these people believe in an Almighty Being, and somehow this entity cares about what a person inks under his sleeve, or who he loves under his sheets. Good one.
I like the idea of confessing your crimes, and repenting. Because there are people who have done such nasty things, I don't think anyone on Earth would forgive them. So they need a God to love them, and a God to forgive, because we don't have the capacity to do that. Other people imagine a "justice" of sorts, so they conjure a God that will blast people into hell and make them suffer. It would be dreadful if the "afterlife" was simply an extension of our judicial system. Maybe there is no "afterlife", but it would be comforting, in this life, to think of "someone" who is always watching you kindly, who will always love you as he loves everyone else. And when pain is inflicted, it is not because God inflicted that pain upon you for a greater purpose; but while you are pained, you have God for comfort.
And there you have it. My long spiel of what I actually believe in terms of "God", and how God should be interpreted. Fuck anyone who uses God as an excuse or an instrument for conducting hate. They're just terrible people after all.
Friday, 30 September 2016
What Do
I really need some careers advice. I mean, I know what I want to do, I'm just a little lost as to how I want to get there. My friends are working really hard, trying to get into a really competitive field. I'm working less hard, going into a really cold field, but I'm hoping my passion will make it alright.
Yeah I used the word "passion" and the possessive "my" before it, isn't that amazing. My passion. Declaring that I have passion, after all.
I've moved onto a new rotation. Despite my previous despairing post, I passed my second round of exams with flying colors once again, scoring 18/21, only 1 mark lower than my previous run. I was satisfied, to say the least.
This new rotation though, is a nightmare through and through. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing or where I'm meant to be, and my supervisor is ???? I think I saw him, but I haven't had the opportunity to actually go and introduce myself. Embarrassing, yeah. I wish I wasn't so socially awkward, but I didn't want to stand in his way just to say "hihihi whatup"
The only positive thing I can think of is my new teacher, who happens to have the same name as my favorite maths teacher back in college. Not that I actually call him by his first name, but his surname is kinda cute as well. I don't know if he likes being described as "kinda cute", but I like the way he smiles from his eyes, which is a rarity in the people I've come across recently. I like it when people exude warmth, because it makes me feel safe around them... as opposed to... idk, threatened?
Yeah threatened sounds about right. On most days I feel like some hyper-alert middle-of-the-food-chain animal, that I need to rip someone's throat out before they rip out mine. I wonder if it's the sleep-deprivation that's driving me insane. I honestly think I'd be a completely different person, if I had like, 8-10 hours of a sleep every night.
Maybe I'll figure out what to do if I sleep enough.
Yeah I used the word "passion" and the possessive "my" before it, isn't that amazing. My passion. Declaring that I have passion, after all.
I've moved onto a new rotation. Despite my previous despairing post, I passed my second round of exams with flying colors once again, scoring 18/21, only 1 mark lower than my previous run. I was satisfied, to say the least.
This new rotation though, is a nightmare through and through. I don't know what I'm meant to be doing or where I'm meant to be, and my supervisor is ???? I think I saw him, but I haven't had the opportunity to actually go and introduce myself. Embarrassing, yeah. I wish I wasn't so socially awkward, but I didn't want to stand in his way just to say "hihihi whatup"
The only positive thing I can think of is my new teacher, who happens to have the same name as my favorite maths teacher back in college. Not that I actually call him by his first name, but his surname is kinda cute as well. I don't know if he likes being described as "kinda cute", but I like the way he smiles from his eyes, which is a rarity in the people I've come across recently. I like it when people exude warmth, because it makes me feel safe around them... as opposed to... idk, threatened?
Yeah threatened sounds about right. On most days I feel like some hyper-alert middle-of-the-food-chain animal, that I need to rip someone's throat out before they rip out mine. I wonder if it's the sleep-deprivation that's driving me insane. I honestly think I'd be a completely different person, if I had like, 8-10 hours of a sleep every night.
Maybe I'll figure out what to do if I sleep enough.
Thursday, 15 September 2016
Cringe
So the presentation I wrote about last time went alright. I didn't embarrass myself (I think) but I wasn't spectacular either. I think it was one of those forgettable things and people generally understand that you're there because you have to be. I mean, I didn't want it to end that way, but I really couldn't find myself being passionate enough or energetic enough, which I have come to regret.
Some days I'm happy with myself, and other days I want to be a different person. A few years ago I wanted to be the "cool kid", like so many people my age. When I say "cool" I don't necessarily mean "go-clubbing-get-drunk-fuck-around", but I wanted to be someone who could say "relaaaax!" and just be really chill all the time. I think it's because in reality I deal with a lot of anxiety and I wanted to be someone who didn't have to deal with anxiety.
It's not like I have an anxiety disorder or anything, I function well. I believe anxiety is what pushes me to achieve things and to do well. I just HATED the feeling. You know, it's when you lie awake at night, feeling the sense of impending doom, then you wake up sleep-deprived the next morning, and you carry on anyway because you're too tired to give a shit- about the things that stressed you out so much you were not able to sleep properly last night. That was what I became. Ironic, yeah?
I thought "not caring" would be the same as not being anxious. Oh boy was I mistaken. "Not caring" is really my default response to life going out of control, it's when I realize I'm powerless to change anything, and I'm better off letting it go. That doesn't mean I've accepted the outcome, and it doesn't mean I've adjusted. It's just when people see me in my "final form" after all that turmoil, they'll go, "oh wow, he's a really cool guy! He just gets going and doesn't give a shit".
At least I can pull of the illusion, and LOOK like who I wanted to be.
"Fake it til you make it". Well, I've taken it to heart, and I've been faking for so long, but I'm not actually going any where. I pretended to be competent, but people are calling me out on it and idk how long I can keep up the facade. It's like everyone's pulling at a different thread and I'm just becoming undone.
Right now, however, I want to be someone else entirely. I want to be someone who is passionate about life, who can find a reason for every single day being valuable, who has enough drive and ambition and discipline to take him where ever he wants to go. I want to be mature and responsible, I want to know how to deal with difficult situations, how to work calmly and arrive at a reasonable conclusion, instead of breaking down into a hideous mess like I usually do. I wish I had someone in my life who was like that, so that I can use them as a role model. In reality, I only see shadows of these desirable attributes in different people, and when I see someone hardworking, I have this nagging thought that tells me "you'll never be able to do that".
I don't know if it's self doubt or whatever. I don't think I've proven that I can work hard, just yet. I've just always convinced myself that "I don't want to work that hard". That might be a lie. I DO want to be the hard-working type, I just... don't quite make it there. It's more like... I wish that I had the motivation to work hard.
So the "cringe" in the title comes from a practise exam I did today. I scored 12/21 (a failing mark), whereas in round one of the actual exam, I scored a 19/21 (which is a spectacular score). There's all this self-doubt of "am I regressing" and "what is wrong with me", and I was motivated to immediately go out and practise harder. It didn't work out after all, because I was too tired, and there was no one around, and I just- I don't even know. I came home and felt like a mess, and I almost fell asleep on the couch after I walked through the door. I did just change and go to sleep- and I woke at 9, to the message of my previous-crush wishing me "Happy mid Autumn's". I forgot that was a thing. It's Spring in Australia, after all.
I don't know why, but that message just made me feel more defeated than usual. Like, I'm on an unhappy trend for my 2nd round of examinations, I'm so tired I almost collapsed as soon as I came home, my knowledge base is terrible, I can't read enough to be satisfied--- and when I wake up at 9pm to a message from someone I liked but haven't seen/spoken to in a year, I just feel so pathetic. Like, I have NOTHING together. Everything's in fucking shambles, and I don't know where I'm going with it. Apparently it's not enough to "go with the tide" and let life carry on, but now I'm the captain of a sinking ship with a map that isn't marked and a compass that doesn't point north.
It's one of those days where I just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.
Some days I'm happy with myself, and other days I want to be a different person. A few years ago I wanted to be the "cool kid", like so many people my age. When I say "cool" I don't necessarily mean "go-clubbing-get-drunk-fuck-around", but I wanted to be someone who could say "relaaaax!" and just be really chill all the time. I think it's because in reality I deal with a lot of anxiety and I wanted to be someone who didn't have to deal with anxiety.
It's not like I have an anxiety disorder or anything, I function well. I believe anxiety is what pushes me to achieve things and to do well. I just HATED the feeling. You know, it's when you lie awake at night, feeling the sense of impending doom, then you wake up sleep-deprived the next morning, and you carry on anyway because you're too tired to give a shit- about the things that stressed you out so much you were not able to sleep properly last night. That was what I became. Ironic, yeah?
I thought "not caring" would be the same as not being anxious. Oh boy was I mistaken. "Not caring" is really my default response to life going out of control, it's when I realize I'm powerless to change anything, and I'm better off letting it go. That doesn't mean I've accepted the outcome, and it doesn't mean I've adjusted. It's just when people see me in my "final form" after all that turmoil, they'll go, "oh wow, he's a really cool guy! He just gets going and doesn't give a shit".
At least I can pull of the illusion, and LOOK like who I wanted to be.
"Fake it til you make it". Well, I've taken it to heart, and I've been faking for so long, but I'm not actually going any where. I pretended to be competent, but people are calling me out on it and idk how long I can keep up the facade. It's like everyone's pulling at a different thread and I'm just becoming undone.
Right now, however, I want to be someone else entirely. I want to be someone who is passionate about life, who can find a reason for every single day being valuable, who has enough drive and ambition and discipline to take him where ever he wants to go. I want to be mature and responsible, I want to know how to deal with difficult situations, how to work calmly and arrive at a reasonable conclusion, instead of breaking down into a hideous mess like I usually do. I wish I had someone in my life who was like that, so that I can use them as a role model. In reality, I only see shadows of these desirable attributes in different people, and when I see someone hardworking, I have this nagging thought that tells me "you'll never be able to do that".
I don't know if it's self doubt or whatever. I don't think I've proven that I can work hard, just yet. I've just always convinced myself that "I don't want to work that hard". That might be a lie. I DO want to be the hard-working type, I just... don't quite make it there. It's more like... I wish that I had the motivation to work hard.
So the "cringe" in the title comes from a practise exam I did today. I scored 12/21 (a failing mark), whereas in round one of the actual exam, I scored a 19/21 (which is a spectacular score). There's all this self-doubt of "am I regressing" and "what is wrong with me", and I was motivated to immediately go out and practise harder. It didn't work out after all, because I was too tired, and there was no one around, and I just- I don't even know. I came home and felt like a mess, and I almost fell asleep on the couch after I walked through the door. I did just change and go to sleep- and I woke at 9, to the message of my previous-crush wishing me "Happy mid Autumn's". I forgot that was a thing. It's Spring in Australia, after all.
I don't know why, but that message just made me feel more defeated than usual. Like, I'm on an unhappy trend for my 2nd round of examinations, I'm so tired I almost collapsed as soon as I came home, my knowledge base is terrible, I can't read enough to be satisfied--- and when I wake up at 9pm to a message from someone I liked but haven't seen/spoken to in a year, I just feel so pathetic. Like, I have NOTHING together. Everything's in fucking shambles, and I don't know where I'm going with it. Apparently it's not enough to "go with the tide" and let life carry on, but now I'm the captain of a sinking ship with a map that isn't marked and a compass that doesn't point north.
It's one of those days where I just want to sleep and never, ever wake up.
Monday, 12 September 2016
That Presentation Tomorrow
I usually freak out about oral presentations. I think I'm freaking out now, internally, but for some reason I'm not working. I don't know wtf is wrong with me. I've had so long to work on this ONE project, to rehearse, to do something meaningful about it. In the end I just... I don't know, end up watching videos on youtube? Start an internal monologue on how hard my life is? God I need to get a grip.
I feel really out of touch with reality. I've gotten along well with most people in my life, but recently I think I've gotten on the bad side of one of my superiors. Which is actually fine, because they're not an inherently malicious person, I think there's just a bit of coldness between us and I'm not even sure I want to bring the distance closer. It's fine the way we are, being polite without being comfortable.
To add some happiness to the discussion, I started rotation about a month ago with the prettiest girl I've met in... I don't know how long. Like hooooly shit if you told me she was a model I'd believe you. So many times I've thought to myself, when I looked at her, "wow, do you get paid to look that good?" She has the most beautiful eyes, too. Bright blue. My favourite.
We didn't exactly get along at first. I don't know if it was because I was too non-committal or really aloof.... but I felt like she was really cold towards me. It's always sad when a pretty girl distances herself from you, but I didn't want to be one of those guys who got really sour about it. Maybe she has resting-bitchface, like, isn't that a real syndrome (right???)- then it's not her fault (or mine, is it????). Later on I sort of felt like it was because I... came across as a massive fucking show-off.
Which is ironic, because in reality I'm a borderline student on the verge of failure. People don't perceive it that way- they think it's my "Asian modesty" or that I'm one of those guys who say "ohhh no I near failed!!!" while rocking a 96%. Well, I can't really blame them. I think I got upset about getting 93% on an essay, once, because it dropped my average to below 96. But that was literally more than 3 years ago, and I'm a changed man, I swear!
Well, not that I changed in a good way. It's a tragedy when your tryhard star-student becomes a worthless pile of shit like me. Right now I'm trying to remold the pile of shit into something meaningful, but when you get down to it, a pile of shit is still a pile of shit, no matter what you shape it into. I try and stay optimistic and all; maybe I can work on "not being worthless" as opposed to "not being shit". One day I'll be the pile of golden turd that everyone pines for.
Anyway, back to the pretty girl. Hooooly shit she's beautiful. I just wanted her to have a nice, bubbly personality and that totally wasn't it. I guess it was rather sexist of me to expect every pretty girl to be friendly. But I wanted to be friends with her- because she was smart, she was hard-working, and above all, she looked so good so effortlessly---------she looks beautiful even when she's sick and nasally congested. It's insane.
Yeah there I go again, valuing the superficial stuff. But I can't really help it at the moment, I'll work on it later.
So throughout the week I found out that she was capable of smiling, and that she really got along with other people--- she smiled easily and her expression softened. There goes my "resting bitchface" theory. If she does have that, I guess it's target specific (i.e. towards me). That was a sad realization. Then things got better!
I think she finally forgave me for being a "show-off" after I got ripped apart in one of my presentations. I did such a shit job I just wanted to rewind time and start over, or erase everyone's memories. It was going to be one of those "cringe" moments forever, those things that keep you awake at 1am, intruding in the most unwelcome manner. Then we bonded again last week, when we both got destroyed by a barrage of questions we barely understood. Man that session was so brutal and felt so bad, I had an internal cry.
Afterwards we skipped school together, and it was going to be our mutual secret (shhh, dont' tell). It took a good 3 weeks to warm up to my partner, but it did happen in the end, and I am so glad. We're not close to each other or anything, but I could sit next to her in a crowded room, and it wouldn't be strange. Small talk is more natural as opposed to forced, and it just feels nice to be on the same boat as someone else.
Well I better get back to rehearsing this presentation for tomorrow. I hope I don't make a fool of myself again. Once is enough, after all.
I feel really out of touch with reality. I've gotten along well with most people in my life, but recently I think I've gotten on the bad side of one of my superiors. Which is actually fine, because they're not an inherently malicious person, I think there's just a bit of coldness between us and I'm not even sure I want to bring the distance closer. It's fine the way we are, being polite without being comfortable.
To add some happiness to the discussion, I started rotation about a month ago with the prettiest girl I've met in... I don't know how long. Like hooooly shit if you told me she was a model I'd believe you. So many times I've thought to myself, when I looked at her, "wow, do you get paid to look that good?" She has the most beautiful eyes, too. Bright blue. My favourite.
We didn't exactly get along at first. I don't know if it was because I was too non-committal or really aloof.... but I felt like she was really cold towards me. It's always sad when a pretty girl distances herself from you, but I didn't want to be one of those guys who got really sour about it. Maybe she has resting-bitchface, like, isn't that a real syndrome (right???)- then it's not her fault (or mine, is it????). Later on I sort of felt like it was because I... came across as a massive fucking show-off.
Which is ironic, because in reality I'm a borderline student on the verge of failure. People don't perceive it that way- they think it's my "Asian modesty" or that I'm one of those guys who say "ohhh no I near failed!!!" while rocking a 96%. Well, I can't really blame them. I think I got upset about getting 93% on an essay, once, because it dropped my average to below 96. But that was literally more than 3 years ago, and I'm a changed man, I swear!
Well, not that I changed in a good way. It's a tragedy when your tryhard star-student becomes a worthless pile of shit like me. Right now I'm trying to remold the pile of shit into something meaningful, but when you get down to it, a pile of shit is still a pile of shit, no matter what you shape it into. I try and stay optimistic and all; maybe I can work on "not being worthless" as opposed to "not being shit". One day I'll be the pile of golden turd that everyone pines for.
Anyway, back to the pretty girl. Hooooly shit she's beautiful. I just wanted her to have a nice, bubbly personality and that totally wasn't it. I guess it was rather sexist of me to expect every pretty girl to be friendly. But I wanted to be friends with her- because she was smart, she was hard-working, and above all, she looked so good so effortlessly---------she looks beautiful even when she's sick and nasally congested. It's insane.
Yeah there I go again, valuing the superficial stuff. But I can't really help it at the moment, I'll work on it later.
So throughout the week I found out that she was capable of smiling, and that she really got along with other people--- she smiled easily and her expression softened. There goes my "resting bitchface" theory. If she does have that, I guess it's target specific (i.e. towards me). That was a sad realization. Then things got better!
I think she finally forgave me for being a "show-off" after I got ripped apart in one of my presentations. I did such a shit job I just wanted to rewind time and start over, or erase everyone's memories. It was going to be one of those "cringe" moments forever, those things that keep you awake at 1am, intruding in the most unwelcome manner. Then we bonded again last week, when we both got destroyed by a barrage of questions we barely understood. Man that session was so brutal and felt so bad, I had an internal cry.
Afterwards we skipped school together, and it was going to be our mutual secret (shhh, dont' tell). It took a good 3 weeks to warm up to my partner, but it did happen in the end, and I am so glad. We're not close to each other or anything, but I could sit next to her in a crowded room, and it wouldn't be strange. Small talk is more natural as opposed to forced, and it just feels nice to be on the same boat as someone else.
Well I better get back to rehearsing this presentation for tomorrow. I hope I don't make a fool of myself again. Once is enough, after all.
Wednesday, 7 September 2016
So many choices
>Imagine you're an expert in your field, and you've been asked to take on some students for the day
>You decide to ask some basic questions (well, at least YOU think they're basic)
>The students look at you like you're speaking in a foreign language, instead of providing a sensible answer.
>Do you:
a) Try rephrasing your question
b) Ask a simpler question and guide the students to the answer you wanted
c) Tell them the answer and explain why it is the answer
d) Become annoyed that they don't know the basics, and tell them to read about it without giving the answer away (because they'll just forget what you say, so it's better if they read up about it themselves)
e) Smile cryptically
f) Mock your students for their stupidity without telling them the answer
g) Give the answer eventually, after a convoluted discussion
h) Shake your head and move on, because you didn't want to take these students anyway and wow what a waste of your time
--------------------------
I'm having a childish whinge here. Don't mind me. I just think it's bullshit when teachers tell you things like "look it up yourself", because a prompt card could've done the same thing. I've gotten to the stage where I don't bother asking questions, because I know how to find the answer in a textbook or online, so why bother embarrassing myself? I don't enjoy being stupid, you know. If I can save myself from the humiliation of not-knowing, then I will.
I have to constantly remind myself that "not-knowing" is not a crime, it's only problematic when you realize you don't know something, but do nothing to change it. I'm not like that. It's just frustrating when people shame you for it... I guess people have expectations, which I'm obviously not meeting. I'm just... agitated? Is that the right word? It's like people think you just... magically learn things. Like how my mother said "oh but why don't you learn how to perform surgery? You're in medical school, after all".
And I almost lost myself in suppressed rage and exasperation, because it was ludicrous to me how someone can casually say "why don't you just learn how to perform surgery". Because there's so much to know, so much to learn, and she's implying that I'm not trying or whatever. Ack it pisses me off. I hate people like her, really. They like to presume everything whilst knowing nothing, and they can just drop careless words around in this absent-minded fashion, like other peoples' efforts are a mere afterthought. Fuck that.
I don't know why people always want to give their opinion on what I do/ who I am. Some days for me, living is a fucking struggle. I have to constantly tell myself, "pain is good, because if I can feel pain, it means I'm alive". Then I repeatedly convince myself that being alive is better than being dead, and feeling pain is better than not-feeling at all. It hurts, but it feels good to hurt. Sometimes. Not the kind of hurt my "parents" leave me with. But like, physical pain is fine.
God, from what I've written, you must think I spend my spare time self-destructing. No, I don't self-harm. It hurts, after all, and I have enough pain to feel without adding to it. I think some days are just worse than others, and today's one of those days where I think it'd be poetic if rain poured incessantly and a flood washed over the entire city.
Then I'd probably drown, and I don't think I'd like the feeling of fluid in my lungs, but metaphorically I'd like to drown my thoughts.
People say your memory gets worse as you get older; and I always thought I had a good memory, I just wasn't remembering what was important, and I seemed to have no choice in what I recalled. Memory for me, is about reinforcement. I think information is imprinted just fine, but if I don't recall it often enough, it just gets lost with time and it's just... not helpful. I don't think I have amnesia per se, but wouldn't it be nice to forget everyone and thus forget all the things people have imposed on me?
I need to go to bed. When I suffer sleep deprivation my mood changes to something frightfully depressing. I haven't slept in so long I'm starting to feel cold.
>You decide to ask some basic questions (well, at least YOU think they're basic)
>The students look at you like you're speaking in a foreign language, instead of providing a sensible answer.
>Do you:
a) Try rephrasing your question
b) Ask a simpler question and guide the students to the answer you wanted
c) Tell them the answer and explain why it is the answer
d) Become annoyed that they don't know the basics, and tell them to read about it without giving the answer away (because they'll just forget what you say, so it's better if they read up about it themselves)
e) Smile cryptically
f) Mock your students for their stupidity without telling them the answer
g) Give the answer eventually, after a convoluted discussion
h) Shake your head and move on, because you didn't want to take these students anyway and wow what a waste of your time
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I'm having a childish whinge here. Don't mind me. I just think it's bullshit when teachers tell you things like "look it up yourself", because a prompt card could've done the same thing. I've gotten to the stage where I don't bother asking questions, because I know how to find the answer in a textbook or online, so why bother embarrassing myself? I don't enjoy being stupid, you know. If I can save myself from the humiliation of not-knowing, then I will.
I have to constantly remind myself that "not-knowing" is not a crime, it's only problematic when you realize you don't know something, but do nothing to change it. I'm not like that. It's just frustrating when people shame you for it... I guess people have expectations, which I'm obviously not meeting. I'm just... agitated? Is that the right word? It's like people think you just... magically learn things. Like how my mother said "oh but why don't you learn how to perform surgery? You're in medical school, after all".
And I almost lost myself in suppressed rage and exasperation, because it was ludicrous to me how someone can casually say "why don't you just learn how to perform surgery". Because there's so much to know, so much to learn, and she's implying that I'm not trying or whatever. Ack it pisses me off. I hate people like her, really. They like to presume everything whilst knowing nothing, and they can just drop careless words around in this absent-minded fashion, like other peoples' efforts are a mere afterthought. Fuck that.
I don't know why people always want to give their opinion on what I do/ who I am. Some days for me, living is a fucking struggle. I have to constantly tell myself, "pain is good, because if I can feel pain, it means I'm alive". Then I repeatedly convince myself that being alive is better than being dead, and feeling pain is better than not-feeling at all. It hurts, but it feels good to hurt. Sometimes. Not the kind of hurt my "parents" leave me with. But like, physical pain is fine.
God, from what I've written, you must think I spend my spare time self-destructing. No, I don't self-harm. It hurts, after all, and I have enough pain to feel without adding to it. I think some days are just worse than others, and today's one of those days where I think it'd be poetic if rain poured incessantly and a flood washed over the entire city.
Then I'd probably drown, and I don't think I'd like the feeling of fluid in my lungs, but metaphorically I'd like to drown my thoughts.
People say your memory gets worse as you get older; and I always thought I had a good memory, I just wasn't remembering what was important, and I seemed to have no choice in what I recalled. Memory for me, is about reinforcement. I think information is imprinted just fine, but if I don't recall it often enough, it just gets lost with time and it's just... not helpful. I don't think I have amnesia per se, but wouldn't it be nice to forget everyone and thus forget all the things people have imposed on me?
I need to go to bed. When I suffer sleep deprivation my mood changes to something frightfully depressing. I haven't slept in so long I'm starting to feel cold.
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