Life COULD be worse

I've come back to uni already- it hasn't been the greatest. Holidays were way too short for my liking. On the bright side I no longer have to hang out with that sister-in-law I don't like. Since my last post I have traveled the Great Ocean Road near Melbourne, and wow what a drive. The scenery was stunning, everything was beautiful- and my sister-in-law got her fill of selfies. Then she bitched for a while in the car while I drove and was like "why isn't there anything to eat out here"--- but we were stuck in some small fishing port and yeah there was nothing there. Like... we all hated being there but there's no need to whine THAT much since there's not much we can do about it.

On our way to Melbourne city all she wanted was Hungry Jacks or McDonalds. Well the Hungry Jacks we drove past was closed and so they went to maccas. For the first time in many, many years my brother yelled at me because he missed like 3 turns in a shopping mall and he didn't seem to understand me when I said "hey, turn right". Then he got really frustrated after he missed the turn and turned 3 streets down, and I said "it's ok just loop back, no big deal". He rage-parked the car and was like "SWAP SEATS YOU DRIVE THEN" so I swapped and drove and it was fine from there. I felt so fucking bad when he did that- he has no temper usually but his wife had been nagging near forever and I thought that's what provoked him. He looked awfully guilty towards me later and I forgave him for it- but yeah it just makes me feel worse about his wife. It's not like my brother and I were SUPER DUPER close but after she came along I've just been second place in everything and now he gets angry at me but he never did before.... but he puts up with her shit? And I didn't even say anything worthy of rage? I swear I wasn't even nagging about directions, it was just like "yeah turn right-- oh you missed it, ok turn right at the next one---- ok the one after should be fine too--- oh ok we can just loop around no biggie". Aaagh it's the way it should be though, he SHOULD treat his wife better than he treats me--- but when it happens it feels bad and I don't like it.

So I ditched both of them and went out with my friends in Melb city. Was great. I got lost in CBD so many times, my legs ached from walking, I ate way too much food, gained a tonne of weight and I feel fat again. We ate out, played pool, visited a museum, went to the casino and I've just never had that much fun. I also tried spicy wings for the first time and it burnt my tongue pretty bad. I felt something similar to heartburn shortly after and then the ball in my flame traveled down to my abdomen and the only thing I can be glad for is the lack of subsequent diarrhoea.

Lack of literal shit does not mean lack of metaphorical shit. My room mate's mother is visiting her and I think there's a trend that's coming quite apparent, about me disliking other people's mothers. I used to complain that there was this girl who my parents kept on comparing me to whose mom was a total bitch- anyway, my current room mate's mother is like... unbearable. Something dreadful happened last night which landed my friend of mine in hospital, and basically my room mate's mom gave me shit for not going to the hospital in the ambulance with my friend. It sounds weird mentioning it now- and I feel kind of guilty that I didn't go to hospital with them at the time, but there were a list of reasons of why I didn't go- I guess I'll save my excuses for now. That's the truth, and that's all I'm guilty and ashamed of. However my roommate's mother just went on and on about it for the whole night, making me sound like the scum of the Earth (in truth it was a bad thing) but I don't feel like I deserved the badgering I got. I will own up to what is true but everything else is just wild accusation and imaginary extrapolation.

So yeah it's not everyday that your room mate's mother throws a hissy fit at you. It's funny how I have all these problems with the family of people I'm close-ish to. My roommate's been giving me a hard time as well- I went and confronted her about it because she's been acting sooo strange since her mother's arrival, and I didn't want to take any of that shit. She threatened to move out and end our friendship or w/e, and I'm just like... well I guess if she wants to move out I'm not going to beg for her to stay- in fact at this stage I think I would prefer that she moved out. If she doesn't I certainly would find an excuse to. I complained about all this to a friend I ACTUALLY care about, and he said that maybe I should examine my own actions and think about it from other people's perspective. I don't know if I've followed through on his advice objectively enough, but right now, at this moment, I don't really feel much--- in fact I'm not sure how I'm MEANT to feel. One can take all this as a sign of me not caring... and I don't know if apathy or indifference is the right way to describe it- it's like I do care because I don't want to get tangled in this mess any further.

This is going to sound sooo bad but I'll say it anyway- I think I actually have a problem where people like me more than I like them. I've mentioned in the past that I try very hard to get people to like me- I'm sure most of us do. We live to impress, after all, and I like being liked. Problems is, being liked comes at a price, and in front of some people I don't really behave like myself in order to maintain appearances. This sounds like a highschool drama, doesn't it? But my version of "faking" is the kind of faking you'd expect for social upkeep- basically I'm polite and I never speak ill of anyone- and if someone asks me to comment on something negative I pretend not to have an opinion or say "I don't know enough about that". On the inside--- I'm actually not THAT polite. With my friends I prefer swearing, and I prefer friends that don't mind me calling them a "fucking retard" because they understand I don't actually mean to insult them. As for not speaking ill of anyone- it's like, this entire BLOG is me talking shit about various people. From past to present I've always had a problem with SOMEONE and this blog is my release. I keep their names out of it or use pseudonyms for obvious reasons, but yeah talking shit about others is like second nature to me. If I don't talk shit about someone in front of you, it's literally because I don't trust you enough. Also I have an opinion on a lot of things, and sometimes things bother the hell out of me, but I act all passive because I DON'T want to know this person better and I DON'T want to get involved at all.

And that's the story of how I met my room mate and we became "friends". She just thought I was this sweet kid who was an angel-reincarnate (nah I'm exaggerating, but you get the idea) but on the inside I'm actually a little jaded, very sarcastic and I'm working very hard on understanding myself as I grow. I told you the "forgiveness" thing has been quite a developmental journey for me- I'm not quite there yet. The only thing I'm proud of is that my cognitive empathy is intact, at the very least. I KNOW if someone is feeling sad, I just don't feel sad along with them. I think that's what really bothered this roommate of mine, who expected me to be more... idk, down-to-earth? Passionate about stuff? Actually I have no idea what she wanted out of me, because I suspect all she liked about me was my mask of social etiquette anyway. Then when you live long enough with someone, that kind of deteriorates and your roommate feels so fucking cheated that you don't like her as much as she likes you--- but for me it's like... I don't even want to work at this relationship? I don't even want to put in effort to maintain this relationship--- or "friendship" (see I don't even see it as a friendship, I thought we were housemates, she thought we were actual friends, got the wrong idea and threw it at me like--- hey you act like we're just housemates and not actual friends!) So the awkward thing is, that is almost EXACTLY what I thought and I was so confused, in my mind going, "hey since when were we even friends???"

Naturally saying that when your roommate was angry at you would not have been socially appropriate. Rude to say that to someone who likes you.

Yeah here we are- shit day for all, nothing achieved, I'm super tired and should probably sleep. I think I've got something on tomorrow... not sure what. I should really start on my assignment which is due Monday and requires a shit-tonne of research. It won't be fun. See I thought the deal with being at school was that I didn't have to worry about real life nuisances and just focus on studying- but now I just have to study, not get paid and deal with periodic shit thrown at me by everyone. Like FUUUCK I wish I could ditch my entire network of people here, pretend not to know them, and then just like... if I could meet them again, like new, I'd just stay the fuck away.