Apologies

I hate saying sorry. I hate telling people I'm wrong and that I regret what I may or may not have done. As a consequence I don't say sorry a lot. Sometimes I'll know I'm wrong and I'll just let it go by, still refusing to apologize.

Then sometimes I pride myself on my ability to recognize I'm wrong, and say sorry for that. I'm proud that I'm a better person than a lot of people, simply because I can say sorry and that I can own up to shit.

Today I realized whether I say sorry or not has nothing to do with any of those things. Pride or responsibility or whatever. I'm certainly proud and I have a strong sense of responsibility, but that apparently has very little relevance on whether I apologize.

I say "sorry" when I want to end an argument. Because I don't want this conversation to continue, not because I'm owning up to anything.

I say "sorry" because I care about someone and I want them to feel better, not because I'm regretting anything I have or haven't done.

I refuse to say "sorry", knowing that I'm wrong, because I WANTED to hurt someone and I WANTED them to feel bad.

And in the end I realize I've still got a long way to go before I can be  a better person.