Lifespan

This happened a bit less than two years ago- a month or two before I first started uni. We met at an electronics store. When I first saw him, I thought he looked really cool. Hard to describe exactly how, really. So I asked my friend, who worked there at the time, whether he knew anything about "that one, over there". My friend actually did, and so I went up to "him".  I saw "him" again about a week later- we were together after that.

When I went up north for uni- he came with me. I wasn't exactly scared of going to a new city- what with me hating my parents at the time, freedom was a welcome change. Still I lost just about all of my friends, all at once, but he was there with me and it made things ok. We spent a lot of time together each day, and I never got sick of him even though we lived together and all that. He was basically just really entertaining and really fun.

Then there was this period where I became really depressed and everything- but I met some friends through him and it made everything alright. We ended up playing a LOT of League of Legends- a game I didn't particularly like, but spent a lot of time playing regardless, because I was half addicted and half desperate for company. Anyway gaming sorta made all my problems go away, and life carried on. Often times I would seriously neglect my work because I wasted too much time, and as a consequence I'd have to work til 3am to finish stuff. He never complained- he just stayed up with me. I successfully finished my first year, thanks to him.

Over my Christmas holidays- he went back south with me, of course- I noticed something wasn't quite right. The gaming aspect of our relationship just didn't work out like it used to. It didn't seem too big of a deal at that time- I was working a lot over the Christmas break, and I hung out heaps with my friends who I hadn't seen for a year. I really hadn't noticed that he'd changed.

Then uni started again, and we had it rough for a while. We moved into a new place, so it'd be more convenient for me to get to uni. The new place was kinda shit in a lot of ways- so many things were wrong and I've pretty much said them all throughout my posts this year- but the biggest problem was that we didn't have internet for like a month. Anyway it was hell, he acted differently to before but I thought it was just the whole moving and dealing with a new environment kind of thing. 

I finally noticed that something wasn't right a few months later. This year had been a far busier year and because I almost failed first year I was determined not to do the same- so I basically cut down on my gaming. Then when we played together it just wasn't the same as before. That's when I noticed that he was just... a lot less responsive to everything, in general. I'm ashamed that I didn't notice sooner.

Anyway I talked to some friends and they suggested various methods. I even went on the internet for advice on what I could do. After trying various things, I realized the problem might be bigger than I had imagined, and it was beyond what I could handle. Naturally I took him to get checked out, but what I got was basically that he needed specialist treatment and the operation cost was way more than I could afford. It was absolutely devastating. 

The second semester started and I had to dive back into work. He was still there for me, but I could tell that he was strained. We still did things that we used to do, but now it took so much more effort sometimes it just wasn't worth it. We even stopped playing games together- even though it's one of my favourite activities. We spent just as much time together still... but it was really just me sitting there writing notes, and he'd kindly help find the information I need. It's sweet... and totally heartbreaking, as I noticed that it took him longer and longer each time. 

Instead of the operation I couldn't afford, he got this apparatus which was meant to help with his condition. For a while he improved, and I thought everything would be alright again- that we could go back to the way things were before. Sure, he'd need the stupid thing with him at all times, but at least he'd be okay. Except it wasn't okay.

Despite the initial improvement... he began to decline again. This time, the decline was faster and more aggressive. Do you know how horrifying it is, to watch him gradually lose each of his functions? Knowing that the next day would only be worse, that nothing was reversible, and there was nothing you could do to stop it. His temperature was stupidly high, he stuttered in speech and sometimes would just freeze- as if time itself had stopped. I became so frustrated... it wasn't fair that this had to happen to him.

I cannot properly convey the full extent of my grief; but that grief is the grief of being a passive bystander while you lost, bit by bit, something you cherish dearly. I know that the end is near, and I know that there is nothing more I can do to prolong his life. 

So goodbye, my love of a bit less than two years. Your replacement is on the way and I expect to meet him when my exams are over. We had some good times together, but not being able to play games is a really big deal for me- I just can't handle dealing with all this shit each day until the day where you actually die. 

And fuck me sideways if I buy a HP laptop ever again. 

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For those of you that are a bit slow and still didn't get it- I just wrote a sob story by personifying my laptop. Yeah, I'm an over-the-top drama king, but this is literally the biggest thing going on in my life these days. Why is my laptop a "he"? Well... wtf is a female laptop, anyway? Do those things exist? 

No actual person in my life is dying. Calm your farm. Though it would've been far more interesting if I just cut off the post at "...there is nothing more I can do to prolong his life". I wonder how you guys would've reacted. Though if you know me IRL I guess you'd be like, "pfffft, you didn't have anyone with you, the closest you ever came to a relationship was sobbing over that year 12 crush of yours". 

When Things Are Okay

I had a really excellent day yesterday- I met up with friends for breakfast, where something like 20 dollars got me the largest meal I've ever fucking had. It tasted pretty good, too. There was bread, sausages, bacon, eggs, mushrooms, tomato and a hash brown to top it off. Naturally I didn't eat anything afterwards for the entire day.

I went to the school library to "study" afterwards. Actually it was more like I went to school, hung out with friends for an hour, then trudged to the library. Man is the library a miserable place. I sat alone in this cubicle, and played Brave Frontier for like an hour or two before I started working. I captured the hardest boss in the game, for what it's worth.

Anyway I actually started working- I basically found the thinnest book on the topic I wanted to know about, and was heavily disappointed when the thinnest book was still insanely complicated and thoroughly boring. I got through the couple of pages I needed to get through, felt none the wiser, and left the library because I was sick of reading.

Then I chatted with a friend for a while before the board games club started. Yeah, I'm still into that. Has my opinion changed of the people there? Yeah, I'd say so... sorta. I am 100% convinced that at least 1 guy has Asperger's and another has some other learning difficulty. Then I was playing a board game and someone rage quit cos he was winning then I made this move to the detriment of both of us (I was losing the game really, really badly)... and I felt kinda bad afterwards because I didn't think he'd take it so seriously. I mean it's a dog move but it's in a game and that's what you do in games... right? Then I ended up winning the game because basically people let me win. I think the "new kid effect" is still on, where everyone is nice to me. It's good but I think you only become friends once you get past that superficial lv of niceness.

Not that I haven't made friends there- otherwise I wouldn't keep going back. I really enjoy spending time there- it's a good way to relax on a Monday night, given that I usually crash through the day on 3 hours of sleep, go through a 3 hour tutorial then another 2 hours of clinicals. Socializing is good for my health... I think. Now I just need to start going to the gym, gain some muscle, eat healthy, study more, do charity work, get a job and I'll be the ideal person that everyone looks up towards, right?

Hah, let's just start with having fun once in a while and not-failing my exams.

Where I'd like to be

Living is Compromise

Have I used this title before? It feels like I have. It's something I think about more than I want to. I read Pride and Prejudice again, and this time I thought to myself, "this ending is pure fantasy". I don't think people like Mr. Darcy exist- I don't think there is really anyone who'd give up class differences so easily and propose to someone twice. And if they did, I don't believe the ending would be a "happily ever after". I ranted about how the differences in your propensity to spend and propensity to save could totally ruin your relationship- so I think in the real world, Lizzy and Mr Darcy wouldn't have lasted very long.

I'm so cynical it's sad.

I think I read somewhere that Jane Austen wrote that scene with Mr Collins because some guy proposed to her, and that guy was the inspiration for Mr Collins. Unfortunately there was no real life Mr Darcy to save Austen after she declined his proposal- though I do admire that she had the courage to decline in the first place. I guess marriage isn't as big a deal now as it was in her age, but regardless it's like a social safety net. There's someone there who's obliged to catch you if you fall.

In real life though, I think it's more like... we try to catch someone but they fall too far and too fast and you're just grasping thin air. Or maybe you don't really want to catch the crumbling skeleton that is your relationship, so you just let it collide with the ground and watch it collapse to dust.

I'm a hopeless romanticist despite my cynical attributes- I'd always believed that when I met the right person, I'd know. But now I wonder, would I actually know? Would I talk to someone and think to myself, "ah, I've found you"? I think it's more likely that I'll find someone who's tolerable, who I enjoy being around sometimes, and then I think I kind of like them and they're probably a really great person so I'm like "okay I've done pretty well I'll settle". I don't really want to live my life like a card game though, where I calculate the probability of my next draw and fold for my current profits. I mean, I often win the card games I play, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it's not actually how I "win life".

I guess I'll just keep going regardless.

Roadblock

I feel like my life has stagnated. I say that because I can no longer distinguish events which occurred last year from events which have occurred this year. It's almost like... time doesn't matter any more. I'm always doing the same repetitious crap, just with different crowds. Last year there was this guy who I was friends with for a while, then he turned out to be the kind of person I just totally do not enjoy hanging around. This year it's pretty much the same- there's this guy who I spent an entire afternoon talking to- it started because I called him over, mistaking him for someone else. Yeah, awkward, right.

Anyway he knew my house-mate pretty well and we'd met before, so the awkwardness resolved itself, but before I knew it he'd wanted to hang out every single week and sadly he's not that cool. I found out a couple of days ago that he asked my house-mate out, which didn't really surprise me, I guess, but it's like, the same shit happened last year, too.

Now if history repeats itself then I'm on course for almost-failing this semester's exams, which is totally not-cool and totally not what I want to do. Unfortunately there's a lot of revision to do- a lot of lectures I didn't pay attention to, and I guess just a lot of stuff I either never learnt or don't remember learning. Whoops.

On an unrelated note: last night I had the worst fucking dream: I dreamt that I witnessed this guy shoot his wife and daughter after she confronted him about him cheating. Then I dreamt that we both went to prison because he said I was his accomplice, and in my dream I hated him so much I found a knife and gutted him like a fish. I'm kinda badass in my dreams, huh? Not really, because then the setting of my dream changed to my year 12 maths classroom, and I was just sitting there, crying that I'm sorry I fucked up my life by brutally murdering someone.

Yeah I should probably take a break soon. Another month and this will all be over. Maybe I just need to live again.

Me; Non-confrontational

I despise myself at times. So often I say things which I don't really mean, and hurt people I dearly cherish. Then there are times when certain words need to be said, and my mouth is sealed shut while my heart races at a hundred and twenty beats per minute. It's a wonder how I can carelessly blurt out certain things but at other times stay so quiet and still.

Often times I find that I leave myself trapped in situations where I feel immensely distressed- then I proceed to do absolutely nothing about it. I continue with life best as I can, and hope that the problem will one day solve itself. I've become the kind of person I really hate.

How do we do anything in this world? Why is there no teacher other than the experience of failure? We all try so hard, after all, to reach the goal in a straight line- and so many of us crash and fall- some of us may rise again. With so many precedents before me though, surely of those I can find a single route, convoluted or not, to take me to where I'd like to be, without hurting myself in the process. I don't understand why "no pain no gain" is so widely accepted and acknowledged as a truth- the aim of the game should be to gain WITHOUT pain. Only losers make fair trades in this world and believe in equivalent exchange.

As you can see Full Metal Alchemist was NOT my favourite anime ever.

Still, I've been struggling lately. I get frustrated at certain things that don't deserve my frustration, I find myself distracted all too often, by really- nothing in particular. There are just so many things I want to do and so many things I'd rather not do- so I end up not really doing either, but somewhere in the pile of things I've neglected are tasks which demand to be completed. As a consequence I often find myself sleep-deprived, hungry, and very, very lethargic. Then I make an effort to take care of myself and it's alright again, if only for a short while- before everything starts sliding down the drain and I become submerged once more.

I don't really know how long I can keep this up, but for what it's worth the year's almost over, I've kept up with assessments and I have nothing to do but focus on my exams. If I pass, it will have been a huge achievement for me. I can rip myself a new page and start fresh next year... but right now, I'm just trying to haul myself one stretch further.

Was life always this laborious? Will I ever live to see the start of my glory days, or am I spending my glory days now as one would spend their time in hell?

Gone Girl

I haven't read the book, but I watched the movie recently. 9/10, I'd say. The actress who starred it, Rosamund Pike- she played Jane in one of my favourite movies, Pride and Prejudice. Yeah one of my fav movies is P&P--- I'm gay like that, deal with it.

Back to Gone Girl- the trailer didn't seem that exciting, I was bored in the theatre for a while- then the story REALLY started. It was amazing- I didn't realize Pike was such a good actor. The story's kinda like... thriller, mystery, horror sorta thing? Idk, I'm bad at genres. It was utterly absurd but utterly entertaining, just the way I like it.

I thought the ending was weird though- so much had happened, and then it was just sorta like... business as usual? I thought that there might've been a sequel to the movie, but according to Wikipedia that's where the book ends as well, so that's disappointing. I guess we shouldn't stretch a good thing too far though- just look at what happened to stuff like Shrek and Madagascar.

So I actually started writing this post a while ago, without actually publishing it. Basically it means I don't know whether Gone Girl is still in the cinemas, but if it is you should totally go see it. I think it's worth your 20 dollars or whatever.

Goddamn Neighbours

I'm at that point again, where my sleep is so messed up that I wake at 11am and sleep at 3am. At least I'm getting my 8 hours- but it totally wouldn't work out if I had to go to school. Daylight savings messed me up, hard. I think I might be still adjusting. I was writing a report and the report contained the phrase "1 day ago", and I had to Google whether "1 day ago" was synonymous with "yesterday" and goddamn I felt so retarded.

I think I'm just unhappy because there's not enough darkness in my day. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love daylight savings. Being able to stay out "late" but then you look up and the sky's only glowing pink- it's the best feeling. What's not cool is that over winter I've adjusted to starting work after dark, eating dinner after dark and daytime = play time. Now that daytime is extended all of a sudden I find myself needing to eat and work at the same time, and it's kind of confusing. The Sun is confusing, dammit.

What's worse is my fucking neighbours. My creepy-ass landlord tells me they're indecent people, and I took it with a grain of salt because I think my landlord is creepy af despite having good intentions. Anyway, recently I've aligned myself with my landlord and goddamn I wish our neighbours would GTFO. So, they have several dogs- I generally don't really mind my neighbours dogs as long as it doesn't shit on our lawn- BUT GODDAMN THESE DOGS BARK LIKE CRAZY. It'd literally be 3am and I'd be trying to work and the dog would go woof woof woof and I'm like "fuuuuuck". It's not even just a 3am thing- those dogs bark during the day, whenever. Closing the window doesn't even help much, and I need my fresh air.

Anyway I heard a rumour from my landlord that their dogs bit one of the neighbour's kids. Fucking hell just because I'm in a dodgy suburb doesn't mean you shouldn't train your dogs not to bite. Given that it already barks all day, I'm not surprised though.

Then there's the neighbours themselves. I wish I had the money to live in a nicer suburb, I really do. I don't think you can be a decent person when you've got your 6-10 year old kids running around the yard screaming the words "fuck" and "cunt". Yeah, I've gotta put up with this screaming, too. Children's voices are REALLY shrill. Like sure maybe I've heard of those words too when I was that age, but I didn't run around screaming them the whole day. Then when the children don't yell swear words, the adults do it themselves and it doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out where the kids got their vocab from.

On top of all this shit--- I swear to God my neighbours have been mowing their lawns for a week now. Every day for about an hour than lawn-mower just goes off and goddamn it's loud. Look I know all lawn mowers are pretty damn loud- and I'm mostly ok for putting up with it every now and again- but WHO THE FUCK MOWS THEIR LAWN EVERY DAY, FOR A WEEK? Like, WTF is wrong with these people???!!!

Yeah I've got headphones and everything- but I don't like having headphones on for longer than 90min- and I stay in my room for way longer than 90min each day. It's distracting being here. I can't read, I can't concentrate, and I sort of having my own attention deficit problems and I don't need environmental factors to play a role on why I'm not doing my work.

Here's hoping the next house I find will be better, because goddamn this place sucks shit.

Protests of Hong Kong

It was Chinese National Day yesterday- and the biggest headline was probably about those protests in Hong Kong. Thousands of students occupying the streets, with signs and slogans and whatnot. To be fair it's probably one of the least violent protests I've ever seen- no one's gotten hurt yet. Yet. I think it's inevitable someone's gonna get fucked.

What are they protesting about? Well if you haven't already heard, HK is pretty much self-governing. Well- it's kind of supposed to be. Geographically it's part of China, but politically it's touchy. Ever since the whole British colonization thing and being captured by the Japanese, their culture's been distinctly different from the Chinese one. Anyway China reclaimed HK as its territory from Britain, so everyone knows HK is in China but they're not really the same as mainland.

This whole riot thing comes from HK wanting political freedom. Basically they get to vote, but the list of candidates they can vote on are all people approved by the central government in Beijing. So they want a fair election- that's the essence of their protest. Doesn't seem that unreasonable a request- but the context is China- where voting is more of a metaphorical concept and its censorship policy, dubbed "the Great Firewall of China" is better known than the actual Great Wall.

To mainland citizens, this seems like a ridiculous situation. To them it's like unhappy HK politicians are manipulating students under the banner of "freedom" and they know it'll be difficult to deal with because you can't really be violent towards a bunch of kids- well I guess you can, but that kind of massacre is ugly for the media. Not that the media gets out in China... which is why it's my belief that it's only a matter of time until things get really ugly.

Personally- I think freedom is worth fighting for. Maybe the politicians ARE manipulating the students- but in the end, if they can actually have their vote mean something, I think that's valuable enough. Personally I'm one of those terrible people who don't pay attention to political affairs. I think the main reason that mainland doesn't riot is because people are like me, to a degree: it doesn't affect me personally, therefore I don't care. Can't vote? Doesn't matter. Taxes raised? Well can't do shit about it. Can't read news, can't access foreign media? Doesn't matter, watch TV shows online, play copious amounts of video games, enjoy my free music. Go eat after work, drink at a bar, go home, sleep, wake, go to work. Worry about bills. Worry about having a family and paying off a mortgage. Never realize life would be better if government welfare was a thing and the economy wasn't so fucked. But if someone ever rises from the masses without being destroyed by the government, maybe it could be the start of something.

It's a dilemma, really. The world has to change- but would be rather see change from within, or do we want a political- or perhaps eventually literal- bloodbath? Nobody wants to go to war, and nobody really wants to disturb the pretence of "peace" which currently exists.

I can't say I am as emotionally invested in the subject as people of Hong Kong- but I do understand the reason behind their passion. When your liberties are stripped from you and you're bound like chattel, it's entirely appropriate to attempt to reclaim the dignity you've lost. I just wish damages would be minimal and nobody is irreparably injured. It would simply provide more reason for general hostility.

It pains me to grow up and realise that Hong Kong and Taiwan are not actually a part of China, in reality. It's also a great embarrassment to introduce yourself as Chinese and have people follow up with the question of, "how do you deal with being so repressed by your government?"  The image of China as presented by Western media is frankly embarrassing. It's embarrassing because you know exactly how much is media bullshit and exactly how much is actually what happens.

Anyway- I hope that HK is successful in their struggle for freedom. Whether they are being manipulated by local politicians or not- at least the idealism is one worth fighting for. This is one of the rare times where I push my consequentialist-self aside, and say, "it doesn't matter if they succeed- it matters that they fought for what was important to them, to show that their spirit is alive. It's so much more human than being helplessly content with everything".

I just wish that when everything is over, the divide between mainland and the other regions will cease to exist.