Unexpected

Today I met someone whose existence I had forgotten about entirely. He was the manager at my first job ever, and we had a good relationship. Well, that was until I quit unexpectedly one day, while he wasn't at work. I think I even waited until a day where he wasn't there to quit, because I was that awkward of a person. Even though I say we had a good relationship, I didn't have his phone number or anything, and I just lacked the general decency to even say goodbye, even though he was really nice to me. I knew I was really rude, but I was too young and too awkward to rectify the situation.

Mind you, I'm not much older now, or any less awkward.

So the matter at hand is, this guy literally lives one street away from me- a fact I had completely forgotten, despite getting lifts home from him when we worked together. I remember back when I had just quit my job, that I'd avoid his street when I went out for walks, for fear of an encounter. Yeah, I AM that terrible. I don't know why I'm like this, and I wish I never got nervous and never said or did anything stupid- but the more I try the worse it seems to get.

So as I caught the bus home from work today, he said "hi" to me. It took me a moment to realize that I was being spoken to, and then a while longer to take my earphones out of my ears. I couldn't even really register who he was, because of the way he dressed, his new haircut and the fact that he seemed to have lost a bit of weight. Of course it came to me a few seconds later, but a few seconds of awkward silence was all it needed to convince him that I didn't want anything to do with him. He asked me if I remembered him, and I was able to say his name. He then asked me how I was doing, and all I managed to reply was "terribly". I think he asked why, but our bus had reached our stop. I may or may not have remarked "do you still live here", which was terribly stupid because why else would be get off at the same stop as me.

He even said "bye" to me as he left, something which I neglected to do to him because I'm just fucking terrible, okay? I think I seemed so blank and non-chalant he must've thought I was a complete douche- and he wouldn't be far off the mark. Usually I have no problem admitting that I'm generally terrible, but towards him I didn't want to be that way. I haven't been able to stop thinking about this since, and my mood has been graetly affected. I just... don't know what to do to get him off my mind. I mean of course I can distract myself, but that's what I did years ago when I quit my job- and now, it just does not feel right. I feel like I owe him something, but I really haven't changed enough to be able to knock on his door and ask, "do you want to hang out". I mean, it's not like we hung out before, we were just... friendly towards one another. Wouldn't I seem like a complete freak, anyway?

Fucking hell, what the fuck is wrong with me. I DO hate myself.