I had a shocking day at work where I spent the time being bored or pissed off. The morning started with this old lady throwing a hissy fit at me, because she asked about the price of something and I gave it to her. Only common courtesy restrained me from saying "fuck off", because even though she was an old lady and I should've been more forgiving, she was really having a go at me. Anyway I told her to go to a different store, and then about 15min later she came back, now willing to pay the price I quoted. At this point I was telling her to go fuck herself in my head, because she'd wasted plenty of my time bitching at me, and I even sent her to one of our competitors just to be rid of her- but here she was, back again. Anyway, she was one atrocious customer and I hated her, even if she was old and I should've had more patience. Except just because someone has a justification for being a complete bitch doesn't mean I can easily brush it off. I think to a degree I'm very easily offended, and compounded with my unforgiving character, it really is tragic.
As I waited for the bus to go "home", I saw that guy who lived like a street away from me, who I had parted with awkwardly years ago. He was sitting alone on a bench, and I was sitting 20 meters away, next to some smoker who didn't mind giving me some lung cancer. I know ages ago I said I wanted to smoke, but I don't actually mean I enjoy smoking itself, I think it was just me trying to say I needed a really quick dose of stress-relief. So uh I had every excuse to get up from my seat and sit down next to him, and here is where I surprise myself: I actually walked up and sat next to him. Considering the total awkwardness of our last meeting, I didn't think it'd go too well- but I said hi and he said hi. We didn't have a lot to talk about- I think he's now happy to treat me as a neighbour , and have a "more-than-pedestrian" sort of relationship. I didn't try too hard to make conversation- all I did was ask about how he was, how was work, school, life in general, and made some small talk. Then he pulled out his phone and I got the signal, so I pulled out my phone and that was the end of that. As we both got off the bus, we muttered our goodbyes, and I was quite happy that I'd finally talked to him, and happy with the way things had resolved.
Fast-forward a couple of hours, and here I am in front of the computer, being completely pissed. I think I wrote last night that I'd move my old computer into my mom's room, and gotten my desk back. Well when I set it up for her, I also set up some downloads for off-peak times, but for whatever reason it didn't download last night. So I hear her yell my name loud enough so I'd hear at the other end of the house, and when I go to her room she proceeds to whine about how nothing was working. So I try do reset the program, and there she was, still yelling at me "LOOK IT SAYS 21.30, 21.30, THAT'S WHY IT DIDN'T WORK BECAUSE THAT'S NOT OUR OFF PEAK TIME, AND YOU SET IT TO 21.30". I was kind of irritated then, so I told her 21.30 was the current time, and the program does that by default. Apparently I said that in a really disrespectful tone, and then my own mother decided it was now her turn to throw a hissy fit at me. I had shut up, but there she was, saying one thing after another, like, ”wow look you talk like this to your own mother", "you think you're so smart but you're nothing", "if you know more than me it's because you SHOULD", "I bet you think you're so high and mighty right now". So I got into an argument with her- told that if I sound disrespectful when speaking to her, it's because for one little thing she makes it a drama and says fifty things back, none of which are very pleasant. They're not overtly offensive, but they're such snide, hateful remarks, it serves to remind me why I hated this household in the first place. That's why I like men better than women- when men are mad they tend to swear their face off, but then they shut up. Women will say all these nasty things about you in a twisted way, though that in no way masks its malicious intent to hurt you.
So yeah my mother can be a real bitch sometimes, and when that happens I just want to die. It's like that time I put food on the table for dinner, but mom needed a special diet. Except that day I decided to have a smaller meal and she took my portion instead of her own, accusing me of arranging my food to look like hers, and thus trying to kill her by raising her blood sugar level. If I could go back in time, I'd probably want to tell her, "no, when you treat me like that, I'd much rather kill myself, so I don't have to feel like shit by just being alive".
Look, life is generally okay, but some days are just not worth living through.
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