I sort of said to myself that I'd study this year, but I haven't made much progress. I'm not trying to do anything overly difficult, but somehow it still becomes too much effort. I've been trying to learn the blood supply of major systems in the body, and I thought that if I could draw a graph starting from the heart reaching out to all the major organs, I'd be done. Except I've become more obsessed with drawing than I have with memorising the names and branches of arteries and veins, so the original point is moot but I had a blast drawing for hours on end.
I was also determined to not spend 2014 couped up in a shell, staying in my room all day and playing LoL. I figured that I was going to study lots, and I was going to do it in the library or at least in somebody's company, so that I had some sort of motivation and I wasn't so bloody bored the whole time. Having quit LoL, I started--- and finished the Chinese RPG my best friend bought for me years ago, clocking a good 30+ hours in a week. And yeah, I did that in the confines of my room, while I wasn't working. So much for that.
Yesterday was Australia Day, and I got off work because the boss figured there wouldn't be that many customers. I'm grateful for my break, but at the same time I'm a little bit sad about losing my Sunday rates. I went out for dinner with my friend, and ended up walking towards the lake and seeing the fireworks. Hearing this you'd probably think I have a pretty good chance of keeping my resolution for not spending Valentine's Day single, but yeah no, you're totally wrong. Dinner was dinner because we were both hungry and food was good food. I wanted to walk because I felt fat after eating dinner, and the fireworks thing could have been the ultimate romance if I spent it with anyone but him. But precisely because it was my friend who I had known for many years, there was nothing remotely romantic about it. Sometimes you feel like you know people too well, or you're too familiar with them, they feel like the back of your hand. Like, what do you even do with the back of your hand. Even if you had to jack off, it'd be with your palm, yeah?
I'm so irrelevant.
Actually I'm just a little mad at myself for ending up where I am, watching fireworks with someone in the permanent friendzone and listening to him rant on about his friend who smoked too much pot, while the glorious display of fireworks bloomed like chrysanthemums over the night sky. It was such a beautiful scene, but god the soundtrack was awful. If my life was a movie it would never have finished filming because the lead actor would want to quit every second day.
So yeah, fuck my resolutions. I will still try my best to study, since the school year hasn't technically started, and I want to pull myself out of the "my life has no meaning" slump. Studying gives me a sense of fulfilment because I've done it all my life and apparently I'm pretty good at it, if I actually do it. I think the "go out more" thing will work out, because I quit games in college with the flip of a switch, so it won't be that hard to do the same thing. I think I'll just have to push my "let's not spend Valentine's Day single" resolution back yet another year, because goddamn I'm so awkward and awful and sometimes I think everything is wrong with me, so until I figure that out, I'll be on track for spending the rest of my life alone and dying next to my computer with a tab open for pornhub.
At least when this actually does happen I can be like, "hah, I called it. I fucking called it."
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