haha...yeah...so proud of myself...
Look, it was a good night... sort of. I don't know. The fact that I kinda fucked it over for my group makes me feel a little bad. My error was 50k while everyone else was <200. If I could've made it into the <200 region our team would be second overall as opposed to 5th. Not that my teammates are actually giving me any shit for it, and I don't exactly feel guilty. I just feel... bad. Unhappy. Not the “I am at fault” kind of self-condemnation, I'm just... not happy.
Actually, I've been feeling that way a lot lately. No, no I'm not depressed. I need to feel like complete and utter shit for two weeks before it can be diagnosed as clinical depression.
I've finally figured out what's wrong. Nothing major is actually wrong.... it's just EVERY FUCKING SMALL THING IN LIFE ALL PILED UP TOGETHER. Individually, I can't say I care very much, but when you add one thing then another, it pushes my bounds of my mental stability. My "trivial concerns" are becoming overwhelming.
1. The formal. The whole date thing. I can't get over how I can't get over it.
2. Still the formal. The fact that I don't want to go for various reasons.
3. My friends being excited about a certain aspect of me actually attending the formal, and me being completely and utterly disgusted at their excitement. It's bad because they're my friends. BUT NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. FUCKING NO ONE. NO ONE. Some will pretend to, and try and argue with me. But the fact that they keep on telling me "it'll be fun!" convinces me further that THEY DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. And I can't tell them. I don't know how to be more blatant than what I've already said and the way I'm acting. I guess people are bad at taking hints, or I'm too vague. Either way, it's not working, and I've given up on the subject with them. To put it in simplest terms? I have issues. No, that's not a joke. I actually do. If people don't understand, I don't want to make them understand. It shouldn't be this way.
...I need to talk to someone older. Much, much more older. I guess this is one of those rare moments where only a parental figure is appropriate, but all my mother does is yell back at me in a high-pitched voice. Dad? As far as I'm concerned, I have no father. Then it's like, oh shit I actually don't trust anyone. Never mind.
4. I'm failing chemistry. No, not an Asian fail, I'm actually failing the classes. All these stupid lab reports which we had to hand in, I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO COMPLETE. Why? Because our teacher didn't teach us shit. And when he did, HE TAUGHT IT WRONG. Then the new teacher we got, he expects me to know all this crap to do with physics, and while the rest of the class understands, I DON'T. AND HE DOESN'T CARE. My scores are BELOW AVERAGE.
5. Physics. Every single fucking one of my friends do physics. Fuck physics. I hate that class for a reason. "Come to physics!" my ever-so-cheerful friends say. No, I'd rather not. Even if my two-week crush is in that physics class as well. I'm fine with spending time on my own. Alright, I trudge to physics class, even though I don't understand a single thing. And it is, as I previously imagined, the most boring class ever. I didn't understand, I didn't want to understand. I guess it's that feeling of exclusion, which makes me feel uncomfortable. I stick out like a sore thumb.
6. The happier my friends are, the worse I feel. This probably sounds like the most demented and twisted thing on the planet, but I don't think I can actually stand their happiness at the moment. I am so...incredibly spiteful. No, I don't want them to be unhappy, because what I'm feeling right now is literally the worst thing ever. I just can't stand the fact that they all seem so... LOUD. Or does everyone and everything seem too loud when you're irritated? I don't need friends to cheer me up with their smiles. It only makes me feel worse, as I've found out. And of course I can't do anything about it. Like, who the fuck pushes their friends away when their friends are trying to be nice?
7. That maths test recently. I thought I did well, I didn't. Not well enough for me to be happy. Not bad enough for me to be depressed over that one thing. My expectations were just crushed. It's sad because I felt that it was one of my best topics. I liked that unit. It's frustrating when you're not as good as you want to be at something you like.
8. Titrations tonight. I am actually solely responsible for fucking it up big time. I didn't think I'd feel this bad, but when I got home I wanted to throw that silver medal I got at the floor, really, really hard. I refrained, gave it to my mother instead. When she tried returning it to me, I told her to put it away somewhere. I DO NOT want to see that piece of shit ever again.
9. My parents. It always comes back to my parents. Dad doesn't want me to leave home if I can't get into med school, but I can't stand another day with them, let alone another half-decade. This sudden threat has made med school appear ever more exciting. Mum's yelling at me to do her stupid fucking homework, and I really have no clue. None. If I push myself really, really hard, I might be able to finish it. I don't want to push myself that hard, and I don't think I have the willpower to, currently.
Okay, okay. I'm done. See, individually, none of them are actually that bad. Why did they all have to occur in the same period of time? It's tormenting me. However, I am certain that things will work out. Certain. I can sleep it off tonight, if I decide to sleep at all. If I still feel shit tomorrow morning, I can go for a run. I know I can't run 200m without heavily panting, but that's all the more reason to run. My body will produce happy-chemicals if I physically exert myself, and that's probably one of the safest options to induce happiness on a biological level. My friends are going to go on a day trip on Friday. I don't have to go to school because of cancelled classes. I have ages to recover.
I just need to smile. As a girl in my class used to tell me, "fake it til you make it."
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