Exasperation

The utter agony, when you manage to fail both your exams. I don't know why chemistry tripped me over so badly. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE THAT WAY. Yet that's how it ended, and in the end I don't even know what I did wrong. Stupid-ass questions. Maybe I just didn't do enough worksheets--- OH OF COURSE I DIDN'T DO ENOUGH WORKSHEETS, I BARELY SLEPT 6 HOURS LAST NIGHT. I wonder whether it would have been better, for me to not-sleep and just revise. I would have been fine in statistics, except I had no idea how to perform a chi-squared test. Having people tell me it's easy does not alleviate my pain: it does not matter whether a concept is easy or not, when you have no idea what the fuck it is. The lack of consolidation of concepts just meant that it totally went over my head.

Despite the fact that exams are over, it seems that not a moment's worth of peace is to be had. I'm already 5 exercises behind on a maths test which I've just had--- I don't even know how it happened. Look back, and bam. If I wasn't behind on statistics, I would not have failed so hard on the exam. Knowing that enrages me. Failure was not inevitable, I just didn't try hard enough. ARGH.

On top of that my mother's decided to go all crazy- screaming about stuff I don't even understand. It's all going over my head anyway--- how much I failed everything. Apparently my roommate was being a jerk and left the heater on all day whilst we were at school--- then he set the heater to high so it burnt electricity like crazy. No one would care if he was paying his worth--- except he isn't. He's not getting charged extra for electricity in winter, so Mum's raging about it. Me...? I don't really care. Like, I know we're sorta getting ripped off (because electricity is expensive as fuck, and my roommate uses a fuckload), but is there anything I care about these days? Caring means pain. It's much easier to just let things slide along... and get over it.

I don't even know how I ended up this way. Everything's a giant puddle of confusion, and I just want to go on holidays. I was happy about my upcoming birthday, until I realised it brought more stress than happiness. No, calling up a restaurant  and making bookings is not stressful--- until you realise that you can't afford to pay for everyone you invite and try to make everyone pay for themselves and not-buy you a present. Feels kinda embarrassing to be that poor, actually.

However, it is an easy concept, yeah? EXCEPT THERE'S ALWAYS THE OFF-CHANCE THAT SOMETHING WILL GO WRONG. Oh what am I talking about, something ALWAYS goes wrong. I'm looking forward to that though... it's just... my parents want to spend a night out as well, just as a family. I'm pretty sure I've hit that age where every extra minute with my family is an extra minute of suffering. Oh rebellious teenage years...

...Maybe I shouldn't take the night off and play games. Maybe I should try and keep going with all that work I have, so that this tragedy doesn't befall on me again... I can do maths to take my mind off other troubling things...

...but... SCREW THAT.