Being the popular, brilliant, accomplished, clever, witty and generally pleasant person I am, I've decided to be happier. I woke up and started my day with one hour of solid gaming, then I wasted two hours messing with the template of a new blog of mine. I had a cup of instant coffee somewhere in that time frame. Then I swept the house clean of dust and did the laundry. I could not say I minded the chores. It seems that everything is a valid distraction when the alternative is sinking into unpleasant memories about getting rejected.
I must commend myself on recovering far quicker than I expected. I mean, I had anticipated that I'd need at least an entire week to whine about this, and it seems I only took one day (and 4 blog posts) to calm myself down. I must admit: friends are wonderful things.
----------------Last Night-----------------------
Me: I got rejected ):
Friend: Maybe they were actually busy.
Me: Busy is a bad excuse when you're on holiday
Friend: Uh...maybe they just don't like going outside?
Me: But they're a sports person... I don't think sporty people are the sort to hate going outside...
Friend: ...Indoor sports?
------------------------------------------------------
Heh, I'd keep on deluding myself if I could, but there's no point. I am far too proud to be like that. Like the voice inside my head keeps on saying, I should just get over it. There's not much to get over anyway. Nothing's changed. All they said was "no", it's not like I lost an arm or a leg. If I think about it... it's like...
"Huh. Nothing in my life has actually changed. I have no excuse to suddenly be any less happy than I was before."
So uh... I guess it's time to go back to... being me. Being me, and being free~
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
The things I do for my maths teacher
I don't want to stop writing. I know I've written a shitload for one day (and I haven't done any substantial work), but my mood is too foul for anything else. I think I mentioned telling you about the things I did (and still do) for my maths teacher. Here goes.
So, starting with a little bit about my maths teacher. He is legitimately my most favorite person in the world (no matter how many times I say that, I cannot say it enough). His very presence is like an instant dose of happiness. I can't even properly explain how. He is just... magical. My friends and I often joke about him being a wizard, because when he teaches maths he just uses this hax method nobody has ever heard of and solves the problem. Nobody will have any idea what just happened, so he explains, but even after I understand the process it stills seems like wizardry.
When a wizard recommend that you do something, you do not simply ignore it. Except his recommendations are kinda... quirky. Not bad, it's just the sort of thing you'd say if you were off with the fairies. But he is a wizard, so I guess it makes sense. His most memorable recommendations, which I followed:
1. Get up at 4-5am to do maths. Sleep early, at like 9pm, then do a solid 3-4 hours of maths, and afterwards you'll realise that "the day is still young".
2. Go out in the sun and plaaaaaay~! Enjoy the sunshine~!
3. *It's raining outside* Go out onto the oval for a walk~! So I remind him that it's raining, and he offers me the umbrella in the maths staff room.
4. Go take a walk up a mountain! (I did that: Mountain Climbing Without Hammy)
5. Go dine in a cafe in some bogan town~! (Okay, he didn't actually say "bogan town", but that's what it was. The cafe wasn't bad though. Glad I went)
6. Go easy on yourself~! Relax~!
...There must've been more, but I can't quite recall. He is soooo indulgent. Relax? In college? But I did take his advice, and I'm a happier person because of it. Being tense just makes my unstable temper shift towards the shitty side. He told me to give up on IB (this diploma thing I was studying for), because he saw that it made me unhappy. When the entire world was pushing me to finish, because I've "come so far" and "done so much", he was the only one who saw behind all that, and saw me. And I was undoubtedly miserable. No one else, not even my parents, could do the same (but of course my parents couldn't do the same, they don't know shit about me).
And every moment of happiness in my college life thereafter, I know I owe it to him (this is the cheesiest thing ever).
Therefore it is quite natural that I follow through with his words, no matter how... insane or absolutely fanatical they seem at the time. And honestly, I don't think I've ever regretted it, once.
Now I'm smiling. Happiness comes with happy thoughts, it seems.
So, starting with a little bit about my maths teacher. He is legitimately my most favorite person in the world (no matter how many times I say that, I cannot say it enough). His very presence is like an instant dose of happiness. I can't even properly explain how. He is just... magical. My friends and I often joke about him being a wizard, because when he teaches maths he just uses this hax method nobody has ever heard of and solves the problem. Nobody will have any idea what just happened, so he explains, but even after I understand the process it stills seems like wizardry.
He is also the biggest troll ever.
When a wizard recommend that you do something, you do not simply ignore it. Except his recommendations are kinda... quirky. Not bad, it's just the sort of thing you'd say if you were off with the fairies. But he is a wizard, so I guess it makes sense. His most memorable recommendations, which I followed:
1. Get up at 4-5am to do maths. Sleep early, at like 9pm, then do a solid 3-4 hours of maths, and afterwards you'll realise that "the day is still young".
2. Go out in the sun and plaaaaaay~! Enjoy the sunshine~!
3. *It's raining outside* Go out onto the oval for a walk~! So I remind him that it's raining, and he offers me the umbrella in the maths staff room.
4. Go take a walk up a mountain! (I did that: Mountain Climbing Without Hammy)
5. Go dine in a cafe in some bogan town~! (Okay, he didn't actually say "bogan town", but that's what it was. The cafe wasn't bad though. Glad I went)
6. Go easy on yourself~! Relax~!
...There must've been more, but I can't quite recall. He is soooo indulgent. Relax? In college? But I did take his advice, and I'm a happier person because of it. Being tense just makes my unstable temper shift towards the shitty side. He told me to give up on IB (this diploma thing I was studying for), because he saw that it made me unhappy. When the entire world was pushing me to finish, because I've "come so far" and "done so much", he was the only one who saw behind all that, and saw me. And I was undoubtedly miserable. No one else, not even my parents, could do the same (but of course my parents couldn't do the same, they don't know shit about me).
And every moment of happiness in my college life thereafter, I know I owe it to him (this is the cheesiest thing ever).
No, don't look at me. Nyaaaaa.
Now I'm smiling. Happiness comes with happy thoughts, it seems.
Dear World, I'm Agitated
Life actually sucks right now. I'm not at school, so I miss seeing my maths teacher (who always manages to make me happy). Not only am I not at school, I'm stuck home babysitting my sister. She's a tad annoying. Then my parents are home with me. Greeeat.
I have nothing to do. I've drawn so much my hand hurts. I can't sit still enough to read. I've turned off all my music because the songs irritate me. There is no one to play games with me, because my best friend is too busy getting fat in America. Dear world, I'm agitated.
It's the rejection, isn't it? It's actually getting to me. Not that I've never been rejected in my life (I remember failing a flute audition years back and crying about it for a good 2 hours), except that doesn't make it better. God fucking dammit. WHY. GRAAAWR. I feel like a dragon.
Look, normally it'd be alright. I'd go out and forget myself. Except EVERYONE is off at some movie right now, which I can't go to because I had to babysit. DAMMIT. I really needed a social event to distract myself with. After all, I'm dying to go out. Hmm, "go out". I hate that phrase. "I'm dying to leave this house". There, much better.
"OMFG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" The voice in my head screams. "GET OVER IT ALREADY. If you don't want other people's sympathy, you can have mine. Let me tell you what you want to hear, because I know what you want to hear. You're popular, brilliant, accomplished, clever, witty and generally pleasant to be around. Hell, you're not even bad looking. No, I'm not flattering you, because you know it's true. They don't like you back, no, but that's their loss. Why don't you count the number of people who wouldn't actually reject you if you asked? Why did you have to go for the one who you knew, before you started, was going to shut you down completely?"
...Well, because I do not find the people who like me particularly attractive, but I am engrossed by that particular person.
"See, ***** was right all along. You are a masochist."
Shut up, voice.
"If you're that desperate, ask *** out. You wouldn't get rejected, and you know that. It's like, instant ego boost. Then you can end the relationship in a couple of days, after you feel better about yourself."
Moralistically, I don't think it's right to toy with their feelings like this.
"Don't pretend that you have any morals."
I do. Shut up.
And thus I get caught in a pointless argument with myself--- pointless because, well, it's with myself. In the end I convince no one.
I need cheering up. Someone, something, anything. If you don't know me in real life, leave a comment, tell me how to make myself happy. If you do know me in real life... let's go out tomorrow. Yes, I said go out. IT'S OKAY, I'M FINE. I just need a change of environment. Call me, text me, message me, whatever. Let's go some place... I'd like to have some ice cream.
I have nothing to do. I've drawn so much my hand hurts. I can't sit still enough to read. I've turned off all my music because the songs irritate me. There is no one to play games with me, because my best friend is too busy getting fat in America. Dear world, I'm agitated.
It's the rejection, isn't it? It's actually getting to me. Not that I've never been rejected in my life (I remember failing a flute audition years back and crying about it for a good 2 hours), except that doesn't make it better. God fucking dammit. WHY. GRAAAWR. I feel like a dragon.
Look, normally it'd be alright. I'd go out and forget myself. Except EVERYONE is off at some movie right now, which I can't go to because I had to babysit. DAMMIT. I really needed a social event to distract myself with. After all, I'm dying to go out. Hmm, "go out". I hate that phrase. "I'm dying to leave this house". There, much better.
"OMFG WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU" The voice in my head screams. "GET OVER IT ALREADY. If you don't want other people's sympathy, you can have mine. Let me tell you what you want to hear, because I know what you want to hear. You're popular, brilliant, accomplished, clever, witty and generally pleasant to be around. Hell, you're not even bad looking. No, I'm not flattering you, because you know it's true. They don't like you back, no, but that's their loss. Why don't you count the number of people who wouldn't actually reject you if you asked? Why did you have to go for the one who you knew, before you started, was going to shut you down completely?"
...Well, because I do not find the people who like me particularly attractive, but I am engrossed by that particular person.
"See, ***** was right all along. You are a masochist."
Shut up, voice.
"If you're that desperate, ask *** out. You wouldn't get rejected, and you know that. It's like, instant ego boost. Then you can end the relationship in a couple of days, after you feel better about yourself."
Moralistically, I don't think it's right to toy with their feelings like this.
"Don't pretend that you have any morals."
I do. Shut up.
And thus I get caught in a pointless argument with myself--- pointless because, well, it's with myself. In the end I convince no one.
I need cheering up. Someone, something, anything. If you don't know me in real life, leave a comment, tell me how to make myself happy. If you do know me in real life... let's go out tomorrow. Yes, I said go out. IT'S OKAY, I'M FINE. I just need a change of environment. Call me, text me, message me, whatever. Let's go some place... I'd like to have some ice cream.
I Hate Being Rejected
Most of the time it is misery which fuels me to blog--- so it's like the less I update, the more happy I am. If one day I stop blogging completely, the world can rest knowing that I've found my "happily ever after".
So I got rejected, right. After waiting for like 3 days (it wasn't worth it) I got rejected. Sure I've been saying "being rejected is better than being ignored", but eh, not really. Like my friend kindly reminded me: they're the same thing. It was bad because I had asked them to go some place with me, and then I got some reply saying something along the lines of "I'm busy, I don't want to go out, sorry but no." I looked at it semi-confused, because the voice in my head was laughing and saying "WHOOOA LOOK AT YOU, YOU JUST GOT BURRRRNT". Shut up, voice in my head. I did not get burnt. Then I read the message over again, but then the voice in my head interrupts: "I don't want to go out, sorry but no~ SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE? They just referred to two things with that going out. MAN, that's like, two birds with one stone! Rather, two rejections with one phrase!"
Omfg, is there a way to injure the voice in your head? This voice is a part of me, isn't it? WHY THE FUCK AM I TAUNTING MYSELF.
I shake my head to clear it, and type some ambiguous response like "call me if you change your mind". The voice in my head interrupts again, "dude, they don't even have your number. Are you hoping that they'd ask for it?" Shut up voice. Shut the fuck up. I know my motives behind my words.
I would not be surprised if I got diagnosed with personality disorder a few years down the track.
You know how this world is full of ironies? The person I do like shuts me down, the person I don't like doesn't know when to give up. I've received a million messages regarding how my holiday (it's been ONE day) has been, whether I'm playing games, am I doing maths, do I have any plans, do I want to go paint-balling this Friday. FUCK. NO, NO, NO I DON'T. GTFO. I mean, even I don't harass the person I like to this extent. Maybe every innocent greeting just seems extra annoying due to the frequency of their occurrence.
So I stare at my screen, cringing over the cruel joke the world is playing on me, whilst thinking, "hmmm, how do I completely and utterly shut someone down". The voice in my head sneers, "well isn't THIS familiar!" Yeah, yeah it is. And I grinned with the exquisite pleasure which is only derived from cruelty, while I typed, "I'm busy, I don't want to go out. Sorry but no".
That wasn't very nice, I know. They do like me, after all. Well, from the way I see it, liking me obviously comes with a price, and that price consists of me dumping my pain onto them. Now I feel infinitely better, knowing that someone else is probably staring at their screen, thinking "ouch I got burnt". No, don't condemn me. It is not my fault that they like me.
...And neither is it that particular person's fault for not liking me back. *Sigh* I can acknowledge that, on a very rational level, though I suppose it is impossible to feel no resentment towards a rejection. If I didn't then it would show how I really couldn't care less. I cannot say exactly how much I "care", but I know it is more than I feel comfortable with.
Or maybe I'll just be permanently drunk with a bunch of hookers.
So I got rejected, right. After waiting for like 3 days (it wasn't worth it) I got rejected. Sure I've been saying "being rejected is better than being ignored", but eh, not really. Like my friend kindly reminded me: they're the same thing. It was bad because I had asked them to go some place with me, and then I got some reply saying something along the lines of "I'm busy, I don't want to go out, sorry but no." I looked at it semi-confused, because the voice in my head was laughing and saying "WHOOOA LOOK AT YOU, YOU JUST GOT BURRRRNT". Shut up, voice in my head. I did not get burnt. Then I read the message over again, but then the voice in my head interrupts: "I don't want to go out, sorry but no~ SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE? They just referred to two things with that going out. MAN, that's like, two birds with one stone! Rather, two rejections with one phrase!"
Omfg, is there a way to injure the voice in your head? This voice is a part of me, isn't it? WHY THE FUCK AM I TAUNTING MYSELF.
I shake my head to clear it, and type some ambiguous response like "call me if you change your mind". The voice in my head interrupts again, "dude, they don't even have your number. Are you hoping that they'd ask for it?" Shut up voice. Shut the fuck up. I know my motives behind my words.
I would not be surprised if I got diagnosed with personality disorder a few years down the track.
You know how this world is full of ironies? The person I do like shuts me down, the person I don't like doesn't know when to give up. I've received a million messages regarding how my holiday (it's been ONE day) has been, whether I'm playing games, am I doing maths, do I have any plans, do I want to go paint-balling this Friday. FUCK. NO, NO, NO I DON'T. GTFO. I mean, even I don't harass the person I like to this extent. Maybe every innocent greeting just seems extra annoying due to the frequency of their occurrence.
So I stare at my screen, cringing over the cruel joke the world is playing on me, whilst thinking, "hmmm, how do I completely and utterly shut someone down". The voice in my head sneers, "well isn't THIS familiar!" Yeah, yeah it is. And I grinned with the exquisite pleasure which is only derived from cruelty, while I typed, "I'm busy, I don't want to go out. Sorry but no".
C WUT I DID THAR?
That wasn't very nice, I know. They do like me, after all. Well, from the way I see it, liking me obviously comes with a price, and that price consists of me dumping my pain onto them. Now I feel infinitely better, knowing that someone else is probably staring at their screen, thinking "ouch I got burnt". No, don't condemn me. It is not my fault that they like me.
...And neither is it that particular person's fault for not liking me back. *Sigh* I can acknowledge that, on a very rational level, though I suppose it is impossible to feel no resentment towards a rejection. If I didn't then it would show how I really couldn't care less. I cannot say exactly how much I "care", but I know it is more than I feel comfortable with.
Hmm. I actually DO hate being rejected.
Monday, 1 October 2012
About Me
I often complain to myself, THIS WORLD HATES ME. NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME. I'M TOO SOPHISTICATED FOR THESE RETARDS. Then today I thought, "why is it that nobody knows anything about me? I mean, I spill my life story onto some blog." Then I realise when I say "know me", I mean understanding everything which makes me... me, not as in understanding what my daily complaints are and hearing about the shit I get from my parents.
I figure it's a little harsh to cry about how "nobody understands me" when in fact, I've never explicitly told anyone about me. I mean, I think I give away a lot during daily conversation, but maybe that's an unfair assumption. So here, I'm going to post my soul on to the internet, so that I can remain optimistic that somewhere out there in the world, someone reading this in front of a glowing screen in their basement will "get me".
Alright. My name is Vane. I'm currently 18. I attend a public school which I think is shabby in comparison to any private school in this state, but the fact that my current maths teacher is my most favorite person ever makes up for it. I like making stupid jokes. Some are funnier than others, but all are, without exception, sexual or offensive, most of the time both. I can be obnoxious and loud, but I crash to a low before I can be obnoxious and loud for long enough. I'm extremely moody. Despite that, I rarely lose my temper at someone. I have no idea why I'm so moody, though I have found a correlation between my sugar intake and how hyper I am. How long I stay on that high appears to be related to the company I'm with.
I like music--- mostly what people regard as "trashy pop" or "generic pop". Though in my opinion, they're popular for a reason. I mostly listen to Chinese music, then Japanese, English and Korean. I can play the flute, just not very well. I like watching anime, though after watching Code Geass nothing's been as good. I also don't watch enough anime/read enough manga to consider myself as a hardcore fan, though I will admit that I like it.
I read--- a lot. I read everything, though of course my favorite genre is fantasy (magic and dragons and shizz). Funnily enough, I don't like Harry Potter *gasp*. I actually don't like reading romance, except I will find a story boring if there is no romance element involved (how strange). My favorite novel of all time is The Great Gatsby (what, too classy?), while my favorite movie of all time is Pride and Prejudice- the one with Kiera Knightley in it, whichever version that was. I am willing to experiment with what I read, but I will give up if I can't turn beyond the first chapter. I read things ranging from classic literature (due to my literature class) to shitty modern fiction (Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey etc.).
I draw. Not too well, but well enough to entertain myself. Mostly anime characters, sometimes I will sketch a real life object or doodle some cartoony thing in the corner of my book. My favorite kind of art is traditional Chinese landscape (with mountains and water and stuff), and I can do a bit of that myself. I wish I knew proper Chinese calligraphy. I like color--- but I'm far too lazy to add color onto anything myself. I'm rarely in the mood to pack up after myself, after all. Recently I'm trying to learn to sketch people--- like, actual portraits. I'm making good progress. My biggest fault is that I like to show off my art (mostly on facebook), and then I want to kill myself two days later when I realise what I drew is a piece of crap (never post your shit on facebook, kids).
Hmm...what else do I do? Games--- I play a fair bit. RPGs--- anything with swords and magic. Then the rest of my life consists of school. I take two lines of maths (that means 2 hours of maths everyday, then another 4 hours of homework). Not that I ever do the homework. It sort of gets carried forward into the future indefinitely, until I figure out I have to do roughly 72 hours of homework in two weeks if I don't want to fail my test. Honestly, I don't like maths that much. I only like maths because of my maths teacher. “爱屋及乌”--- it's a proverb literally meaning "liking the crow (which nests on the house) due to liking the house" I know it sounds kind of insane, putting myself through that crapload of maths because of one person--- but the list of things I do because of my maths teacher goes on and on. I'll go into that some other day.
Oh...I write. I write a lot (look at the length of this post). At least it seems you don't mind reading (congratulations on having more patience than 60% of the general population). I blog, I write essays for my assignments, I write lyrics to songs which don't exist yet, I write my own novel (or rather, paragraphs of several different novels), I write fan-fiction, and I write poetry (super classy). I like poetry which rhymes, though there are great poems which don't rhyme. It's just that I think poetry is meant to sound nice... like, when I hear the words I'm meant to think "this sounds nice", and if they don't rhyme poems generally lose their magic.
I'd like to become more refined in the future. Though I keep on saying how I'm perfect yadayada, I'm not actually that deluded. I want to learn how to be rational and sympathetic at the same time (so far I can only achieve the first), and I really want to be more elegant and sophisticated and witty and clever. I don't mean I want to pretend that I'm aristocratic or something, I want it to become second nature. Remember how I said after a while people realise I'm kind of an asshole? I'd like to keep the truth to myself for... perhaps a bit longer, so I don't scare people away. Not that it's actually a large problem, except as you know recently I developed the biggest crush on someone, except they didn't appreciate it. I figure it's probably because I exposed myself (no, not in that way, you dirty minded ******) too early, otherwise I'd have a date by now.
Yeah, I guess the biggest thing which marks me for who I am right now is my current romantic interest. My sadly unrequited love is driving me insane. Yeah, it's been two weeks (which is nothing compared to all these other losers who apparently like the same person I do), but I know I like this person more than anyone else I've previously liked because I've bothered to shout a confession in the middle of town. I've always had the mindset that "if I'm too shy to tell them I like them, I obviously don't like them enough". Now I know it kind of sounds like a bad excuse to avoid any kind of rejection, but I know it's true for me, because I'm the kind of person who will do anything to get what they want if they want it bad enough. I guess it's good for the world that I rarely want anything that badly.
Though it must be rather unfortunate for this particular person who I'm interested in. Oh well.
Well, I think that's enough of "me" for one night, though I doubt anyone can ever get tired of hearing me rant. At least I'm interesting--- and before you deny it, remember that you have read this far (and the length of this post is like, half an essay). Now I can go to sleep with the satisfaction of knowing that random people over the internet will know me for the person I am (at least I've left my footprint somewhere on this world).
Good night, guys.
P.S. I play cards. Mostly variations of bridge. My friend calls me a "card counting bitch", though he doesn't know that I get confused with 2 decks, and will completely lose it with 3.
I figure it's a little harsh to cry about how "nobody understands me" when in fact, I've never explicitly told anyone about me. I mean, I think I give away a lot during daily conversation, but maybe that's an unfair assumption. So here, I'm going to post my soul on to the internet, so that I can remain optimistic that somewhere out there in the world, someone reading this in front of a glowing screen in their basement will "get me".
Alright. My name is Vane. I'm currently 18. I attend a public school which I think is shabby in comparison to any private school in this state, but the fact that my current maths teacher is my most favorite person ever makes up for it. I like making stupid jokes. Some are funnier than others, but all are, without exception, sexual or offensive, most of the time both. I can be obnoxious and loud, but I crash to a low before I can be obnoxious and loud for long enough. I'm extremely moody. Despite that, I rarely lose my temper at someone. I have no idea why I'm so moody, though I have found a correlation between my sugar intake and how hyper I am. How long I stay on that high appears to be related to the company I'm with.
I like music--- mostly what people regard as "trashy pop" or "generic pop". Though in my opinion, they're popular for a reason. I mostly listen to Chinese music, then Japanese, English and Korean. I can play the flute, just not very well. I like watching anime, though after watching Code Geass nothing's been as good. I also don't watch enough anime/read enough manga to consider myself as a hardcore fan, though I will admit that I like it.
I read--- a lot. I read everything, though of course my favorite genre is fantasy (magic and dragons and shizz). Funnily enough, I don't like Harry Potter *gasp*. I actually don't like reading romance, except I will find a story boring if there is no romance element involved (how strange). My favorite novel of all time is The Great Gatsby (what, too classy?), while my favorite movie of all time is Pride and Prejudice- the one with Kiera Knightley in it, whichever version that was. I am willing to experiment with what I read, but I will give up if I can't turn beyond the first chapter. I read things ranging from classic literature (due to my literature class) to shitty modern fiction (Twilight, Fifty Shades of Grey etc.).
And it is my expert opinion that Christian Grey is sooo much hotter than Edward Cullen
I draw. Not too well, but well enough to entertain myself. Mostly anime characters, sometimes I will sketch a real life object or doodle some cartoony thing in the corner of my book. My favorite kind of art is traditional Chinese landscape (with mountains and water and stuff), and I can do a bit of that myself. I wish I knew proper Chinese calligraphy. I like color--- but I'm far too lazy to add color onto anything myself. I'm rarely in the mood to pack up after myself, after all. Recently I'm trying to learn to sketch people--- like, actual portraits. I'm making good progress. My biggest fault is that I like to show off my art (mostly on facebook), and then I want to kill myself two days later when I realise what I drew is a piece of crap (never post your shit on facebook, kids).
Hmm...what else do I do? Games--- I play a fair bit. RPGs--- anything with swords and magic. Then the rest of my life consists of school. I take two lines of maths (that means 2 hours of maths everyday, then another 4 hours of homework). Not that I ever do the homework. It sort of gets carried forward into the future indefinitely, until I figure out I have to do roughly 72 hours of homework in two weeks if I don't want to fail my test. Honestly, I don't like maths that much. I only like maths because of my maths teacher. “爱屋及乌”--- it's a proverb literally meaning "liking the crow (which nests on the house) due to liking the house" I know it sounds kind of insane, putting myself through that crapload of maths because of one person--- but the list of things I do because of my maths teacher goes on and on. I'll go into that some other day.
Oh...I write. I write a lot (look at the length of this post). At least it seems you don't mind reading (congratulations on having more patience than 60% of the general population). I blog, I write essays for my assignments, I write lyrics to songs which don't exist yet, I write my own novel (or rather, paragraphs of several different novels), I write fan-fiction, and I write poetry (super classy). I like poetry which rhymes, though there are great poems which don't rhyme. It's just that I think poetry is meant to sound nice... like, when I hear the words I'm meant to think "this sounds nice", and if they don't rhyme poems generally lose their magic.
Poetry is everything that is beautiful
I'd like to become more refined in the future. Though I keep on saying how I'm perfect yadayada, I'm not actually that deluded. I want to learn how to be rational and sympathetic at the same time (so far I can only achieve the first), and I really want to be more elegant and sophisticated and witty and clever. I don't mean I want to pretend that I'm aristocratic or something, I want it to become second nature. Remember how I said after a while people realise I'm kind of an asshole? I'd like to keep the truth to myself for... perhaps a bit longer, so I don't scare people away. Not that it's actually a large problem, except as you know recently I developed the biggest crush on someone, except they didn't appreciate it. I figure it's probably because I exposed myself (no, not in that way, you dirty minded ******) too early, otherwise I'd have a date by now.
Yeah, I guess the biggest thing which marks me for who I am right now is my current romantic interest. My sadly unrequited love is driving me insane. Yeah, it's been two weeks (which is nothing compared to all these other losers who apparently like the same person I do), but I know I like this person more than anyone else I've previously liked because I've bothered to shout a confession in the middle of town. I've always had the mindset that "if I'm too shy to tell them I like them, I obviously don't like them enough". Now I know it kind of sounds like a bad excuse to avoid any kind of rejection, but I know it's true for me, because I'm the kind of person who will do anything to get what they want if they want it bad enough. I guess it's good for the world that I rarely want anything that badly.
Though it must be rather unfortunate for this particular person who I'm interested in. Oh well.
Well, I think that's enough of "me" for one night, though I doubt anyone can ever get tired of hearing me rant. At least I'm interesting--- and before you deny it, remember that you have read this far (and the length of this post is like, half an essay). Now I can go to sleep with the satisfaction of knowing that random people over the internet will know me for the person I am (at least I've left my footprint somewhere on this world).
Isn't that horribly romantic?
Good night, guys.
P.S. I play cards. Mostly variations of bridge. My friend calls me a "card counting bitch", though he doesn't know that I get confused with 2 decks, and will completely lose it with 3.
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