Normalcy - is that even a word?
I don't think I know what it means any more.
Part of me is trying to reconcile the fact that life will never return to "as I know it", but even as I say that, businesses have begun re-opening and a lot of people are liking to pretend that there IS no virus around. I don't blame them but I do think denial is an immature psychological defense mechanism.
The loss of time has been disorientating. Months fly by but it hardly feels that way. I've adjusted relatively well to my new job, though the first week or two were fairly daunting. I think I'm well suited for my job at the moment - it does sit well with my temperament and I find it highly enjoyable. When I look back at how far I'd come it feels really strange.
I still remember wishing death on a previous science teacher of mine, because she gave me 4.5/5 in a science report. I would've been 14 years old at the time. It feels too horrible to write and admit. In retrospect I think I was a very troubled child - even though I thought I was very clever and mature.
I've always wondered - how do people become better? When did I "grow out of" being a complete arse? I think internally I always knew I was an arse - I was bitter and disturbed and I always thought that people who were happy were just stupid. How dare they be happy, in the kind of world we live in. Now I see it as a great feat, to be happy DESPITE the world we live in. I am quite sure I was just envious at the time. Ignorance IS bliss at times.
Perhaps trauma does make us grow as people. I feel like I've had my fair share - not that I like to dwell on it or remember it - but it has changed me. Not sure I agree with trauma being a pre-requisite to change - and many people do come out worse for wear. Luckily I didn't, and I quite like who I am now vs who I was before. It saddens me that my parents don't feel the same way.
Parents - what an alarming thought, that they are the same even though I've changed. More alarming that I will only see them again for a finite number of times before they die. Our relationship has been so terrible since my adolescence - even when I finally decided to take some responsibility for myself, it was difficult the shake my resentment for them. There's a heated bubble below the surface, waiting for tension to break. I don't know what will erupt - I don't particularly want anything to erupt. If I had it my way I would continue my avoidant behavior. I don't even know if that's considered problematic - but I have salvaged my sanity and my sense of self in the process.
The prospect of viral pandemic has made me think deeper about mortality than I have in a long time. I guess I still feel invincible in a way, though logically I know I can die at any time. My world is still expanding, I am still widely ambitious. I want to study, and travel, and make more friends etc. I wonder, if I were terminally ill, would I go back south to live with my parents in my last days?
I don't think I would. If I had a very limited time, I would like to spend it happy.
That thought makes me guilty though. Also comes with a sense of failure. What kind of child abadons their parents in their old age. Why am I not strong enough to endure my parents as people, when I've reached this stage in life. Why am I still scared of being hurt, why am I still so avoidant, when I've claimed to reach a stage of acceptance.
I suppose the trepidation comes as I am planning a visit to my parents this long weekend - after a long period of restrictions are being lifted. I know I will survive, but I do not envision it being pleasant, and I do not know why I am doing this to myself. I don't endorse masochistic behavior, yet it appears this is exactly what I am doing at present.
What does normalcy mean for me?
Tuesday, 2 June 2020
Monday, 23 March 2020
Pandemic
The situation has rapidly evolved from "it's just another form of the flu" to "oh shit a significant proportion of our population is going to die". I guess it's just another one of those unfortunate things we have to put up with in our life time. I've seen such a wide range of reaction to the COVID-19 situation I'm not sure how I'm supposed to react.
I don't feel much at all- whether it's panic or fear or excitement. Maybe it's the fact that I'm young and I feel near- invincible. I do worry significantly for a few people who I know are physically vulnerable though. Hearing the dismissive attitude of some people really upset me - "oh it only significantly affects older people and those with pre-existing comorbidities". Those people sound disposable when you frame it like that... but they're really not.
While I'm sick of hearing the words "flatten the curve" and "social distancing", part of me does grieve for people's flippant attitudes toward it. Despite this, I don't really blame our population. I just feel like our entire response as a health system has been completely uninspiring. There was a lack of information to begin with, then there was incorrect information, then there was the overwhelming sensationalism all happening at once. I'm sick of our policies being inconsistent and incomplete, I'm sick of guidelines and procedures changing every few days. I understand the situation is fluid and ever-changing, but in times like these, people need simple, clear instructions we can follow and understand. Saying "don't go out, wash your hands" is much simpler than "socially distance yourself". I'm glad the government has finally responded by forcing closure of non-essential businesses etc.
I'll be glad when this is over. I feel like my summer has been entirely ruined by bushfires, and now fall is also ruined by a viral pandemic of all things.I just want this year to end already.
Sunday, 30 June 2019
One day
I've been feeling a new kind of desperation recently. Maybe it's because I'm officially one year older than I was before.
I went out to celebrate with a few friends last night. It's not the first time I've felt completely lonely amongst company. It's strange. Like you're surrounded by people but you feel as if you have very little in commmon. Friends are nice... but there are things where I am quite reluctant to share with the friends I currently have... our bond with each other is far too shallow. Fun is to be shared, but misery is to be kept. You don't need to have a lot in common if you define your boundaries that way.
I've been searching for that kind of relationship, where I can relate. I want to breathe the air they breathe, feel the pain they feel, and become accustomed to each others' warmth.
I've always been an over-the-top romanticist.
Modern relationships don't really live up to my ideals. Monogamy is going out of fashion, it seems. Everyone wants a taste of polyamory, everyone wants to know what it feelse to be "open" and "free". I am far too jealous to share my love with another. It takes so much effort to care about just one person, I cannot imagine dedicating an equal amount to another- let alone multiple people.
It doesn't help that I have the strangest quirks, and I will find the most inane reasons to reject someone. Their voice is too high/ their smile is too creepy/ I don't like that accent/ I'm really bothered by that catch-phrase/ and no, no thanks... you're just a tad too ugly and I am convinced I can do so much better. Also, the dating process is just so BORING. "Like to travel/gym/eat food/walk by the beach/love dogs/drink coffee/drink alcohol/watch Netflix" Great, thanks. Me too. It's not that I want to argue politics or explore philosophy on every date, but I feel like if you don't agree on fundamental things sooner or later everything's going to go belly up.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to learn to compromise... but inside my head my own voice mocks me, "did you work this hard just to make compromises?" Yeah, I guess I can see why pride is a sin.
Somewhere buried in all this is my own need to be needed. Maybe that's why I don't mind my job as much as I should- because in this job I can delude myself that I AM needed. What will they do without me? If I take even one single day off, how will the system function? Our resources are so stretched, after all. Yet deep down I know, the world will go on with or without me.
We all want to believe that our lives have consequence. I remember, years ago, when I was feeling quite desperate- I asked, "is my life so insignificant that my death could not even break one person?" I wanted there to be someone I could hurt- to show that I mattered to someone, to show that I was loved. I'm glad to be past that now- it was a terribly maladaptive way of thinking. What was I even trying to achieve?
What I need to learn, after all, is to stop measuring myself by other people's standards. I need to believe that I have inherent value- all the superficial things like looks/money/education aside. It's SO hard. It's all I've been taught to work towards- and probably what I've dedicated most of my time to. Trying to rewire my brain, so that one day I can be comfortable and say, "hey, I'm Vane. I'm kind, I'm caring, I love life for what it has to offer and I'm okay with being flawed and vulnerable" <- literally everything I'm not right now...
One day.
I went out to celebrate with a few friends last night. It's not the first time I've felt completely lonely amongst company. It's strange. Like you're surrounded by people but you feel as if you have very little in commmon. Friends are nice... but there are things where I am quite reluctant to share with the friends I currently have... our bond with each other is far too shallow. Fun is to be shared, but misery is to be kept. You don't need to have a lot in common if you define your boundaries that way.
I've been searching for that kind of relationship, where I can relate. I want to breathe the air they breathe, feel the pain they feel, and become accustomed to each others' warmth.
I've always been an over-the-top romanticist.
Modern relationships don't really live up to my ideals. Monogamy is going out of fashion, it seems. Everyone wants a taste of polyamory, everyone wants to know what it feelse to be "open" and "free". I am far too jealous to share my love with another. It takes so much effort to care about just one person, I cannot imagine dedicating an equal amount to another- let alone multiple people.
It doesn't help that I have the strangest quirks, and I will find the most inane reasons to reject someone. Their voice is too high/ their smile is too creepy/ I don't like that accent/ I'm really bothered by that catch-phrase/ and no, no thanks... you're just a tad too ugly and I am convinced I can do so much better. Also, the dating process is just so BORING. "Like to travel/gym/eat food/walk by the beach/love dogs/drink coffee/drink alcohol/watch Netflix" Great, thanks. Me too. It's not that I want to argue politics or explore philosophy on every date, but I feel like if you don't agree on fundamental things sooner or later everything's going to go belly up.
Sooner or later I'm going to have to learn to compromise... but inside my head my own voice mocks me, "did you work this hard just to make compromises?" Yeah, I guess I can see why pride is a sin.
Somewhere buried in all this is my own need to be needed. Maybe that's why I don't mind my job as much as I should- because in this job I can delude myself that I AM needed. What will they do without me? If I take even one single day off, how will the system function? Our resources are so stretched, after all. Yet deep down I know, the world will go on with or without me.
We all want to believe that our lives have consequence. I remember, years ago, when I was feeling quite desperate- I asked, "is my life so insignificant that my death could not even break one person?" I wanted there to be someone I could hurt- to show that I mattered to someone, to show that I was loved. I'm glad to be past that now- it was a terribly maladaptive way of thinking. What was I even trying to achieve?
What I need to learn, after all, is to stop measuring myself by other people's standards. I need to believe that I have inherent value- all the superficial things like looks/money/education aside. It's SO hard. It's all I've been taught to work towards- and probably what I've dedicated most of my time to. Trying to rewire my brain, so that one day I can be comfortable and say, "hey, I'm Vane. I'm kind, I'm caring, I love life for what it has to offer and I'm okay with being flawed and vulnerable" <- literally everything I'm not right now...
One day.
Saturday, 18 May 2019
Poverty of choice
Written on 02/03/19
-when I forgot to post.--------------------------------
This is a bit heavy but I need to rant a little after a shit day at work.
It's been 3 months since I last wrote... and I think I only forgot to write because I was having such a great time in the country. Well, I resented the fact that I was in the country (I don't think I'll ever be much of a country boy) but my colleagues were lovely and I overall had such a good time.
Now I'm back in the city, where my colleagues are still lovely but the work is actual dogshit. I skip breakfast/lunch/dinner variably somedays and I rely on random bits of chocolate to keep my sugar levels high enough during the day. That's all fine, because I'm young and energetic and I bounce back after a good weekends' sleep.
What I don't really bounce back from is situations which challenge my moral boundaries.
I don't talk about work much at all, to try and protect the privacy of the people I work with. This will sound rather vague, but I'm a huge fan of dying with dignity. Fundamentally I think if people have the choice to live, they have a choice to die. It's all a bit murky when a person is deemed to "lack capacity". Capacity relates to the ability of a person to make decisions, and ultimately it is hinged on the person's ability to understand, to express a preference, being able to retain the information presented, using consequential reasoning (what will happen if I do or don't), and sustain belief in what is being said. When someone tells me they'd rather die, my first response (internally) has always been "oh holy shit".
Expressing a wish of death seems to go against the very core of human nature, where people have done literally anything to survive. It has been coded in our DNA. So something MUST have gone wrong, when a person is either openly or implicitly choosing death. I think pain is a fairly good motivator, but I think many people fail to realise that there are many forms of pain. It seems unfair for us to make judgments on the value of a life, because life is full of endless potential and possibilities, and some people believe that all life are sacred to begin with. Except we make value judgments all the time. It used to be that whether someone lived or died was due to the will of nature, and as difficult as it was to realise, humans have expiry dates. Now we have a range of technologies which can defy the course of nature, and we try to "fix" the problem in front of us without thinking about the implications of what we are doing.
We continue to defy the belief that death is inevitable, and through this we push through.
Sometimes we bring miracles, and we are entertained by the illusion that we are God. That we can now grant life, whereas previously we only learned to take. What we forget sometimes is that death is a gift of its own. Death is the release from pain, from suffering, from torture. When the benefits of living no longer outweigh the benefits of dying, it is very logical to argue for death.
...Even if you gave up logic, you must acknowledge that death is an inevitability, and it is as much of a right as living. Yet we let our egos get to our heads and we keep people alive long after their expiry. We make may excuses. For love, we say. For the law forbids it, we say. For our profressional duties, we say. Against their wishes to die, we keep them alive, not because we should, but because we CAN. The fear of death can be so ingrained into our being that we think it applies to everyone on this planet. What choice do you have, but to keep living, when you are weak and knocking on deaths door, but your "carers" refuse to let you enter? What choice to do you have, but to continue to suffer in life, when the comfort of death is denied?
It was never me who suffered the poverty of choice. It was those whose rights I had inadvertently denied.
-when I forgot to post.--------------------------------
This is a bit heavy but I need to rant a little after a shit day at work.
It's been 3 months since I last wrote... and I think I only forgot to write because I was having such a great time in the country. Well, I resented the fact that I was in the country (I don't think I'll ever be much of a country boy) but my colleagues were lovely and I overall had such a good time.
Now I'm back in the city, where my colleagues are still lovely but the work is actual dogshit. I skip breakfast/lunch/dinner variably somedays and I rely on random bits of chocolate to keep my sugar levels high enough during the day. That's all fine, because I'm young and energetic and I bounce back after a good weekends' sleep.
What I don't really bounce back from is situations which challenge my moral boundaries.
I don't talk about work much at all, to try and protect the privacy of the people I work with. This will sound rather vague, but I'm a huge fan of dying with dignity. Fundamentally I think if people have the choice to live, they have a choice to die. It's all a bit murky when a person is deemed to "lack capacity". Capacity relates to the ability of a person to make decisions, and ultimately it is hinged on the person's ability to understand, to express a preference, being able to retain the information presented, using consequential reasoning (what will happen if I do or don't), and sustain belief in what is being said. When someone tells me they'd rather die, my first response (internally) has always been "oh holy shit".
Expressing a wish of death seems to go against the very core of human nature, where people have done literally anything to survive. It has been coded in our DNA. So something MUST have gone wrong, when a person is either openly or implicitly choosing death. I think pain is a fairly good motivator, but I think many people fail to realise that there are many forms of pain. It seems unfair for us to make judgments on the value of a life, because life is full of endless potential and possibilities, and some people believe that all life are sacred to begin with. Except we make value judgments all the time. It used to be that whether someone lived or died was due to the will of nature, and as difficult as it was to realise, humans have expiry dates. Now we have a range of technologies which can defy the course of nature, and we try to "fix" the problem in front of us without thinking about the implications of what we are doing.
We continue to defy the belief that death is inevitable, and through this we push through.
Sometimes we bring miracles, and we are entertained by the illusion that we are God. That we can now grant life, whereas previously we only learned to take. What we forget sometimes is that death is a gift of its own. Death is the release from pain, from suffering, from torture. When the benefits of living no longer outweigh the benefits of dying, it is very logical to argue for death.
...Even if you gave up logic, you must acknowledge that death is an inevitability, and it is as much of a right as living. Yet we let our egos get to our heads and we keep people alive long after their expiry. We make may excuses. For love, we say. For the law forbids it, we say. For our profressional duties, we say. Against their wishes to die, we keep them alive, not because we should, but because we CAN. The fear of death can be so ingrained into our being that we think it applies to everyone on this planet. What choice do you have, but to keep living, when you are weak and knocking on deaths door, but your "carers" refuse to let you enter? What choice to do you have, but to continue to suffer in life, when the comfort of death is denied?
It was never me who suffered the poverty of choice. It was those whose rights I had inadvertently denied.
Monday, 19 November 2018
Welcome to the Middle of Nowhere
Following up from my last post- I did go see Li Yundi play at the Sydney Opera House. He played like a total showoff and I loved it. I suppose it was his concert. I'd never been in the Sydney Opera House for a performance, and I enjoyed every second of being there. It was a shame that I was exhausted from work and couldn't relax as much as I'd have liked- I actually had excellent seats despite buying the cheapest tickets. The view + sound was definitely something I'd pay for again.
So I moved for my job temporarily to the countryside. It wasn't really by choice but I didn't mind too much- they offered free accommodation and I thought, "well, I could do with some fresh air". The house I'm staying in is fairly large- I share with 3 other guys but it's fine, I think they make decent housemates since everyone cleans up after themselves. I am just carelessly spending money again since I moved (bought a new wifi adaptor for my PC and a new electric toothbrush) but I've pretty much given in to hedonism so it doesn't matter.
Gotta chase the finer things in life.
My attempts to improve my life don't always work out. I thought I'd meet some new people and try dating again- I think the date was fine but I just didn't like the person very much. Actually I'd lost interested before I even met them for the date- and I wasn't that impressed over the course of the evening. It's very strange when people like me more than I like them. It almost puts me off, because when it's too easy I lose interest. I know it makes me sound like one of those shitty men who like it when their partners play hard-to-get... but I don't, really. I think it's more because I didn't like them to begin with, and then when I realised they liked me, I didn't find it endearing just mildly repulsive. Like if they weren't into me, at least I'd feel that we were on the same page in terms of not being compatible with each other... but now it just makes me feel like this person as no self-awareness or insight into the situation, and can't even tell that I've lost interest. Totally not their fault, I've been told multiple times that I'm hard to read and apparently I have the same expression when I'm okay vs when I'm fuming with rage... well... I'll take it as a compliment of my self control?
Oh, and the fact that my date smelled like they hadn't showered in a week didn't help. It's weird because we were messaging each other prior to meeting, and they said they were going to take a shower before meeting me... I was feeling mildly guilty because I was just going to go after work... then they rock up and I'm like, "huh, not what I expected, but OKAY, I'll deal with it".
I thought I'd go back to the city this weekend because I thought I'd find the countryside boring- well, there are certainly things I miss (like my piano) but being in the country is not so bad. Much smaller dating pool but I should probably give that up for now... The air is fresh, the streets are calm, and the scenery is breath-taking. Oh, and I finish work on time, which is totally unexpected as well. I've gotten so used to staying back for hours and hours at a time (without getting paid for it, mind you), just to make sure the next day isn't fucking unbearable- and because I was willing to put in that extra time, everything was fine. Now it's like... everything will be fine even if I don't work myself to death... and I love it.
Everything at work is new and foreign; there are quite a few things to adjust to... but I think I went alright for my first day? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be a bit busier because of the way the schedules work on Tuesdays and Thursdays... but I should still make it out of there on time. I really enjoy not having to drive 30min to and from work each though (though honestly 30min isn't too bad) and there being sunlight when I decide I'm done. The shops are only ever a 10min drive away, and I can buy whatever I want as well.... isn't that lovely.
I want to go out for a walk tomorrow. Maybe eat dinner with some of my new colleagues.
It's good to live a little.
So I moved for my job temporarily to the countryside. It wasn't really by choice but I didn't mind too much- they offered free accommodation and I thought, "well, I could do with some fresh air". The house I'm staying in is fairly large- I share with 3 other guys but it's fine, I think they make decent housemates since everyone cleans up after themselves. I am just carelessly spending money again since I moved (bought a new wifi adaptor for my PC and a new electric toothbrush) but I've pretty much given in to hedonism so it doesn't matter.
Gotta chase the finer things in life.
My attempts to improve my life don't always work out. I thought I'd meet some new people and try dating again- I think the date was fine but I just didn't like the person very much. Actually I'd lost interested before I even met them for the date- and I wasn't that impressed over the course of the evening. It's very strange when people like me more than I like them. It almost puts me off, because when it's too easy I lose interest. I know it makes me sound like one of those shitty men who like it when their partners play hard-to-get... but I don't, really. I think it's more because I didn't like them to begin with, and then when I realised they liked me, I didn't find it endearing just mildly repulsive. Like if they weren't into me, at least I'd feel that we were on the same page in terms of not being compatible with each other... but now it just makes me feel like this person as no self-awareness or insight into the situation, and can't even tell that I've lost interest. Totally not their fault, I've been told multiple times that I'm hard to read and apparently I have the same expression when I'm okay vs when I'm fuming with rage... well... I'll take it as a compliment of my self control?
Oh, and the fact that my date smelled like they hadn't showered in a week didn't help. It's weird because we were messaging each other prior to meeting, and they said they were going to take a shower before meeting me... I was feeling mildly guilty because I was just going to go after work... then they rock up and I'm like, "huh, not what I expected, but OKAY, I'll deal with it".
I thought I'd go back to the city this weekend because I thought I'd find the countryside boring- well, there are certainly things I miss (like my piano) but being in the country is not so bad. Much smaller dating pool but I should probably give that up for now... The air is fresh, the streets are calm, and the scenery is breath-taking. Oh, and I finish work on time, which is totally unexpected as well. I've gotten so used to staying back for hours and hours at a time (without getting paid for it, mind you), just to make sure the next day isn't fucking unbearable- and because I was willing to put in that extra time, everything was fine. Now it's like... everything will be fine even if I don't work myself to death... and I love it.
Everything at work is new and foreign; there are quite a few things to adjust to... but I think I went alright for my first day? I'm not sure. Tomorrow will be a bit busier because of the way the schedules work on Tuesdays and Thursdays... but I should still make it out of there on time. I really enjoy not having to drive 30min to and from work each though (though honestly 30min isn't too bad) and there being sunlight when I decide I'm done. The shops are only ever a 10min drive away, and I can buy whatever I want as well.... isn't that lovely.
I want to go out for a walk tomorrow. Maybe eat dinner with some of my new colleagues.
It's good to live a little.
Thursday, 25 October 2018
Haemorrhaging Money
I can't believe the year's almost over.
I think I've always wanted to be at this point in my life... a point where I'm comfortable with work and I don't have to wake in fear of everything that's about to occur.
The other disgusting thing about growing up though, is having to pay for all the adult things like utilities, health insurance, car insurance/petrol/registration/service, groceries.... the list goes on.
I try very hard to save but a lot of the time I just want to have fun. I went to see The Book of Mormon the other day... and I was saying how nice it was, to actually have a job, that I can afford to see shows when I want to. Just then I purchased tickets to see Li Yundi at the Sydney Opera House. It's something I've always wanted to do, growing up... that is, listening to music at the Opera House. I wanted the guise of sophistication, but it feels weird knowing that I genuinely want to go there for the sake of listening to Chopin and not for impressing anyone else.
....My hobbies are expensive to indulge in though. I guess art/music traditionally are associated with sophistication and upper class elegance because only rich people have the time and resources to explore these things. Not that people without money are barred from it (artists are broke as hell, right), it's just that they can't have it as a "hobby", it's more a "paint or starve" deal- which sounds awful.
The Book of Mormon was hilarious- I'd recommend it to anyone. I saw it with my friends and it was delightful. It was a shame I couldn't hang out with them for longer afterwards... I was committed to finishing my work for the day. I did make the deadline in the end- it was just absolutely exhausting. Every time I load something outside work onto my plate I think "my God that was a mistake", because work is draining. Except when I recall these events with my 20/20 retrospective vision I think "it wasn't so bad after all" and "I AM glad I did that". It's easy to live in the present where your past self has suffered and paid the price, versus sacrificing your present happiness for a future self you are not quite sure exists.
Anyway I'm stuck in a crapshoot situation where I don't really want to work any more than I already am (5/7 days a week) but I really, really do need more money from SOMEWHERE. My only options are these weekend shifts but my weekends are already so precious to me I am loathe to be without it. I don't think I sleep enough for my own wellbeing, and I really should get the doctor to check my vitamin D levels because I swear I haven't had enough sun on my skin.
Despite juggling a couple of things I don't think I'm falling apart at the seams. I have the most wonderful friends, and it's been so fun. I don't know if we'll ever get as close as I did as my high school friends- there's something special about growing up together... but I think it's safe to say this year's been the happiest year of my life since 2004.
If the fun never ends, I don't mind haemorrhaging money after all.
I think I've always wanted to be at this point in my life... a point where I'm comfortable with work and I don't have to wake in fear of everything that's about to occur.
The other disgusting thing about growing up though, is having to pay for all the adult things like utilities, health insurance, car insurance/petrol/registration/service, groceries.... the list goes on.
I try very hard to save but a lot of the time I just want to have fun. I went to see The Book of Mormon the other day... and I was saying how nice it was, to actually have a job, that I can afford to see shows when I want to. Just then I purchased tickets to see Li Yundi at the Sydney Opera House. It's something I've always wanted to do, growing up... that is, listening to music at the Opera House. I wanted the guise of sophistication, but it feels weird knowing that I genuinely want to go there for the sake of listening to Chopin and not for impressing anyone else.
....My hobbies are expensive to indulge in though. I guess art/music traditionally are associated with sophistication and upper class elegance because only rich people have the time and resources to explore these things. Not that people without money are barred from it (artists are broke as hell, right), it's just that they can't have it as a "hobby", it's more a "paint or starve" deal- which sounds awful.
The Book of Mormon was hilarious- I'd recommend it to anyone. I saw it with my friends and it was delightful. It was a shame I couldn't hang out with them for longer afterwards... I was committed to finishing my work for the day. I did make the deadline in the end- it was just absolutely exhausting. Every time I load something outside work onto my plate I think "my God that was a mistake", because work is draining. Except when I recall these events with my 20/20 retrospective vision I think "it wasn't so bad after all" and "I AM glad I did that". It's easy to live in the present where your past self has suffered and paid the price, versus sacrificing your present happiness for a future self you are not quite sure exists.
Anyway I'm stuck in a crapshoot situation where I don't really want to work any more than I already am (5/7 days a week) but I really, really do need more money from SOMEWHERE. My only options are these weekend shifts but my weekends are already so precious to me I am loathe to be without it. I don't think I sleep enough for my own wellbeing, and I really should get the doctor to check my vitamin D levels because I swear I haven't had enough sun on my skin.
Despite juggling a couple of things I don't think I'm falling apart at the seams. I have the most wonderful friends, and it's been so fun. I don't know if we'll ever get as close as I did as my high school friends- there's something special about growing up together... but I think it's safe to say this year's been the happiest year of my life since 2004.
If the fun never ends, I don't mind haemorrhaging money after all.
Saturday, 15 September 2018
Herald to Spring
The seasons have changed so fast I barely noticed the passage of time. Then again we've had an exceptionally warm winter and I wonder how anyone can deny the truth of global warming. I have a vague feeling the upcoming summer is going to be dreadful.
Honestly not much had changed since I last wrote, even though it's been more than a month. I took a break somewhere in between all the work I was doing (mostly because I fell ill) then recovered by binging anime with a close friend. I finally finished watching Steins;Gate (mostly because my friend made me) and while I can no longer call it a bad show it's definitely something I would have never finished watching if my friend wasn't sitting beside me the whole time I didn't get into the show until about half way through until I finally wanted to just, find out wtf was happening. Though I had the same feeling about Darling in the Franxx, which is basically a pile of shit molded into the form of an anime series--- and I gotta say Steins;Gate seemed to have a bit more substinance to it.
Violet Evergarden was probably the best thing (in terms of anime) I've watched this year though... amazing artwork and music, though the stories get a bit bland a predictable, they overplay the emotions/human relationships theme. I enjoyed watching it immensely regardless. I just wish I could draw/color like that someday, though with the rate of my current practice it almost feels as if I'll never get there.
It's almost alarming how fast time flies when you get into a sort of routine. I don't feel as if I'm learning very much on a day to day basis, but then at one point you realise you're experienced now and you're no longer freaking the fuck out like you were on your first day. This is the place I've wanted to reach all along... to become comfortable with my job and not have an anxiety attack before I go to bed each night, hoping I'll never have to wake up to face "tomorrow". I think I have a long, looooong way to go before I reach any semblance of "excellence" but for now I am happy to say I am "competent". I don't really want to get stuck here though, because I don't think anyone who's ever advertised themselves as "competent" made the greatest impression.
Ever since I entered school I've wanted to "fast-foward" my life, because I thought school was miserable and I honestly didn't want to be there. Right now I'm happier than I ever was, honestly. I filled in a survey about my job today, and I find myself writing that my satisfaction score with life was an 8/10. Not 10/10 because of my innate human greed, not 9/10 because I've got nothing in terms of intimate relationships or family, but 8/10 because I have great friends, a job I'm happy with, and I'm finally satisfied with myself as a person, knowing that I'm always looking to improve but I will never feel incomplete or empty again. Due to this I no longer want to fast-forward my life, and I almost lament that time is passing by too quickly for me to realise what is happening. Small changes here and there, and I feel different to the person I was only 8 months ago. It's not a bad thing, for sure, it just feels incredibly weird and I feel like I'm ageing rapidly despite being "young".
Well, here's to my rapidly dissolving youth.
Honestly not much had changed since I last wrote, even though it's been more than a month. I took a break somewhere in between all the work I was doing (mostly because I fell ill) then recovered by binging anime with a close friend. I finally finished watching Steins;Gate (mostly because my friend made me) and while I can no longer call it a bad show it's definitely something I would have never finished watching if my friend wasn't sitting beside me the whole time I didn't get into the show until about half way through until I finally wanted to just, find out wtf was happening. Though I had the same feeling about Darling in the Franxx, which is basically a pile of shit molded into the form of an anime series--- and I gotta say Steins;Gate seemed to have a bit more substinance to it.
Violet Evergarden was probably the best thing (in terms of anime) I've watched this year though... amazing artwork and music, though the stories get a bit bland a predictable, they overplay the emotions/human relationships theme. I enjoyed watching it immensely regardless. I just wish I could draw/color like that someday, though with the rate of my current practice it almost feels as if I'll never get there.
It's almost alarming how fast time flies when you get into a sort of routine. I don't feel as if I'm learning very much on a day to day basis, but then at one point you realise you're experienced now and you're no longer freaking the fuck out like you were on your first day. This is the place I've wanted to reach all along... to become comfortable with my job and not have an anxiety attack before I go to bed each night, hoping I'll never have to wake up to face "tomorrow". I think I have a long, looooong way to go before I reach any semblance of "excellence" but for now I am happy to say I am "competent". I don't really want to get stuck here though, because I don't think anyone who's ever advertised themselves as "competent" made the greatest impression.
Ever since I entered school I've wanted to "fast-foward" my life, because I thought school was miserable and I honestly didn't want to be there. Right now I'm happier than I ever was, honestly. I filled in a survey about my job today, and I find myself writing that my satisfaction score with life was an 8/10. Not 10/10 because of my innate human greed, not 9/10 because I've got nothing in terms of intimate relationships or family, but 8/10 because I have great friends, a job I'm happy with, and I'm finally satisfied with myself as a person, knowing that I'm always looking to improve but I will never feel incomplete or empty again. Due to this I no longer want to fast-forward my life, and I almost lament that time is passing by too quickly for me to realise what is happening. Small changes here and there, and I feel different to the person I was only 8 months ago. It's not a bad thing, for sure, it just feels incredibly weird and I feel like I'm ageing rapidly despite being "young".
Well, here's to my rapidly dissolving youth.
Monday, 9 July 2018
Back to work
I took a holiday in Melbourne. It was cold and miserable and I realised I didn't even like it much. Sure there was food and there was shopping, but I buy all my things online it made almost no difference. Besides I visited Japan earlier this year and I felt like I could have bought anything I wanted in the world in Tokyo (or probably Akihabara alone...) The only good thing about Melb was seeing my friend who I had not seen in a good five years. She took me to some interesting places... and I experienced VR for the first time. It was actually very trippy how immersive it was... I fully look forward to the day where we play VR games (and we create a massive social dilemma where everyone prefers VR to real life).
Then I came back from my holiday and realised I caught a cold. So I cancelled my plans to see my parents (well, not that I wanted to see them anyway) and slept in until I felt less like a sick dog. I met up with more friends who I had not seen in ages and it was all very good fun. I like it where the weather is warm, and despite me being a great Anglophile I don't think I'd tolerate British weather if I can't even stand Melbourne. Afterwards I was all better, and so I dove straight back into work.
It was like I never fucking left. I thought it'd be a bit foreign, that things would be unfamiliar or...something. Nup. It was the same old shit, and I realised I get sympathy-fatigue very fast. It's sort of alarming when I realise that about myself. I don't like, have trouble connecting to people, but I'm not very good at feeling what I think I'm supposed to feel. I personally think it's a good thing, but I feel if other people knew about my "superpowers" they'd just call me a psychopath. I reckon if I was actually the sensitive kind I'd have quit in like a month, but since I'm closer to stone cold maybe that's not a good thing either. People generally prefer something warmer... at least I look harmless enough on the outside.
Work does wear me out though. I deny feeling tired (I make sure I get adequate sleep because I don't want to make mistakes like that) but my co-wokers have noticed. Actually my friend said I looked like an asshole after Mardi Gras. I was hoping he meant "well-loved and full of glitter" but he clarified by saying I looked like I'd been thoroughly fucked and entirely prolapsed. Thanks for the compliment matey.
It's a fine balance, my sleep and my work and everything else I love to do. Oh, then there's chores and study to slot in somewhere. I've been negligent about studying lately. In a way I miss my uni days, where ALL I had to do was fucking, study all day (and I didn't even do that). I now realise that was a complete luxury, but let's face it, I was poor and lonely and bored and I fucking hated what I was studying half the time. So I'll just push forward with the worklife and we'll get there when we get there............
Then I came back from my holiday and realised I caught a cold. So I cancelled my plans to see my parents (well, not that I wanted to see them anyway) and slept in until I felt less like a sick dog. I met up with more friends who I had not seen in ages and it was all very good fun. I like it where the weather is warm, and despite me being a great Anglophile I don't think I'd tolerate British weather if I can't even stand Melbourne. Afterwards I was all better, and so I dove straight back into work.
It was like I never fucking left. I thought it'd be a bit foreign, that things would be unfamiliar or...something. Nup. It was the same old shit, and I realised I get sympathy-fatigue very fast. It's sort of alarming when I realise that about myself. I don't like, have trouble connecting to people, but I'm not very good at feeling what I think I'm supposed to feel. I personally think it's a good thing, but I feel if other people knew about my "superpowers" they'd just call me a psychopath. I reckon if I was actually the sensitive kind I'd have quit in like a month, but since I'm closer to stone cold maybe that's not a good thing either. People generally prefer something warmer... at least I look harmless enough on the outside.
Work does wear me out though. I deny feeling tired (I make sure I get adequate sleep because I don't want to make mistakes like that) but my co-wokers have noticed. Actually my friend said I looked like an asshole after Mardi Gras. I was hoping he meant "well-loved and full of glitter" but he clarified by saying I looked like I'd been thoroughly fucked and entirely prolapsed. Thanks for the compliment matey.
It's a fine balance, my sleep and my work and everything else I love to do. Oh, then there's chores and study to slot in somewhere. I've been negligent about studying lately. In a way I miss my uni days, where ALL I had to do was fucking, study all day (and I didn't even do that). I now realise that was a complete luxury, but let's face it, I was poor and lonely and bored and I fucking hated what I was studying half the time. So I'll just push forward with the worklife and we'll get there when we get there............
Friday, 15 June 2018
Mid Winter
It's surprising how fast time passes you by when you get into rhythm. I've spent another few weeks at work, getting into rhythm. Night shifts weren't nearly as bad as I thought they would be, though later on there were some shifts that made me want to cry with stress. I think the hardest part was coming to terms with the fact that I was only one person, and even if I had the answers to all these questions, I couldn't possibly be there for everyone.... well, not on time.
Over my time at work I've learnt a few cool things... well mostly I've learnt how to draw blood with various needles. Not sure it'd become a cool party trick, but if I want to start using intravenous drugs in the future I know how to find all my veins. Whew that was a lame joke. Drugs are bad and I don't approve. Unless you've got no one in your life that you could hurt. Then it's like, whatever man.
Imagine living a life where there was no one you could hurt though. Meaning, nobody cares about you enough to be hurt by your self-sabotage. Is that why they preach "love yourself", because nobody else loves you?
I think I've been awake for longer than I'd like to. I should sleep, I have an early-ish flight to catch tomorrow. I'm going to Melbourne for a bit of a holiday. I haven't been in a few years... and I regret that I always seem to travel there in mid winter, but that's where my breaks are consistently. It'll be nice, I think, seeing some old friends, or just loitering around the city in general. I suspect I'll just eat a lot and spend on a lot of money... but that's fine too. I just want to have a good time.
I don't have wise words to part with or anything... I feel like my time is poorly spent between sleep and work and occasional food. There's not much room for self-improvement, really. Time I otherwise spend with my new friends I made from work. They are some wonderful people, and I am so glad to have met them. I do wish I practised piano some more or drew more on my fancy new tablet. I have all these pretty and expensive toys but I have no one to play with... it's kind of lonely.
I'll be fine though. Let me sleep and give me a break, I'll bounce back in no time.
Over my time at work I've learnt a few cool things... well mostly I've learnt how to draw blood with various needles. Not sure it'd become a cool party trick, but if I want to start using intravenous drugs in the future I know how to find all my veins. Whew that was a lame joke. Drugs are bad and I don't approve. Unless you've got no one in your life that you could hurt. Then it's like, whatever man.
Imagine living a life where there was no one you could hurt though. Meaning, nobody cares about you enough to be hurt by your self-sabotage. Is that why they preach "love yourself", because nobody else loves you?
I think I've been awake for longer than I'd like to. I should sleep, I have an early-ish flight to catch tomorrow. I'm going to Melbourne for a bit of a holiday. I haven't been in a few years... and I regret that I always seem to travel there in mid winter, but that's where my breaks are consistently. It'll be nice, I think, seeing some old friends, or just loitering around the city in general. I suspect I'll just eat a lot and spend on a lot of money... but that's fine too. I just want to have a good time.
I don't have wise words to part with or anything... I feel like my time is poorly spent between sleep and work and occasional food. There's not much room for self-improvement, really. Time I otherwise spend with my new friends I made from work. They are some wonderful people, and I am so glad to have met them. I do wish I practised piano some more or drew more on my fancy new tablet. I have all these pretty and expensive toys but I have no one to play with... it's kind of lonely.
I'll be fine though. Let me sleep and give me a break, I'll bounce back in no time.
Friday, 27 April 2018
April is the season of cherry blossoms
I just returned from Japan, where I saw actual cherry blossoms. It was nice, but I didn't manage to find an entire field of them. Now that I'm back home I'm glad, Australia is an excellent country and I don't know why anyone would want to live anywhere else.
....Though I do miss Japanese trains... so fast, punctual, and soooo efficient. Also their society is so polite as a whole, it was great for tourism. Oh, and their toilets, with warm seats and just general...cleanliness. The public toilets I've been to, you can generally smell before you enter, but in Japan it was like using a toilet at home. I wonder if they just employ more cleaners or if Japanese people have just learnt to piss in the toilet instead of spraying it all over the floor.
I think the nicest part was probably meeting friends I hadn't seen for a while. There was my friend who I'd not seen for a whole 5 years, then other people who I'd not seen for many months due to my work or their work committments. We had such a good time together, I'm glad I went on this trip. It wasn't quite what I expected (I thought I'd come back with a giant body-pillow with some naked girl on it), but it was actually a rather educational trip with all the places I'd visited and the experiences I had. My only regret was that I didn't learn more Japanese before I went, and that I didn't try hard enough to speak it when I had the chance.
Anyway, my holiday is almost over, and I need to get back to work soon. It'll be fine, I hope, getting back into rhythm when I've had such an excellent time overseas.
....Though I do miss Japanese trains... so fast, punctual, and soooo efficient. Also their society is so polite as a whole, it was great for tourism. Oh, and their toilets, with warm seats and just general...cleanliness. The public toilets I've been to, you can generally smell before you enter, but in Japan it was like using a toilet at home. I wonder if they just employ more cleaners or if Japanese people have just learnt to piss in the toilet instead of spraying it all over the floor.
I think the nicest part was probably meeting friends I hadn't seen for a while. There was my friend who I'd not seen for a whole 5 years, then other people who I'd not seen for many months due to my work or their work committments. We had such a good time together, I'm glad I went on this trip. It wasn't quite what I expected (I thought I'd come back with a giant body-pillow with some naked girl on it), but it was actually a rather educational trip with all the places I'd visited and the experiences I had. My only regret was that I didn't learn more Japanese before I went, and that I didn't try hard enough to speak it when I had the chance.
Anyway, my holiday is almost over, and I need to get back to work soon. It'll be fine, I hope, getting back into rhythm when I've had such an excellent time overseas.
Thursday, 22 March 2018
Monthly Review
My efficiency at work has greatly improved.
I'm quite proud of myself at the moment.
I also worked some dog-shit shifts which saw me going for 14h without food. Would not recommend.
Why the fuck is "rostered overtime" a thing. If you NEED to roster people for overtime, it means you haven't hired enough people because holy fuck what????
Also I see why people complain about being used and abused. Those times you have to stay back 30min - 1hr, you don't feel like it's important enough to claim overtime, but you legitimately work extra time every day and it's like, by the end of the week you've accumulated several hours which you were not paid for. That's just... so... not cool.
In terms of the private life- I've made so many friends. Work friends are great, the environment is something you can only dream of. I mean I've had some scuffles here and there already, and there's someone who I'm working with that I don't have a lot of respect for... I was trying to learn from this friend of mine, who I said "saw the best in everyone". I used to think she way too naive and that it'd ruin her, but over time I've appreciated how that actually makes you a better person, if you judge people by their best intentions and don't presume the worst about everyone you ever meet. Ofc you need to be realistic and have some grounds in reality, but it's all about the mindset. So I tried. But this guy, this guy, right, he just says some of the most fucked up things and IT PISSES ME OFF. I work with some extremely vulnerable people whose lives are in the shits, and sometimes I know it's near-impossible to sympathise with them. but IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO JUDGE THEM FOR THEIR MORAL CHARACTER. So don't you dare judge them when you've had the privilege of a good education and a family to go home to at night. These people have lost everything, and maybe it's their fault, or maybe this God we cannot see decided to fuck them over but spare you instead.
This guy, I swear, is the ultimate embodiment of Christian hypocrisy- goes to church every Sunday, couldn't find enough decency within to shut his fucking mouth when he can't think of anything more appropriate to say.
Okay, rant over. To be honest I don't think he's a fundamentally bad person, he's just very old and fixed in his ways and I've lost all hope for him. But I am young and ambitious and I want to try save the world whilst I have the energy to, so I guess I look down on people like him, who give off the feeling of death despite being alive.
Anyway, work tomorrow. I better sleep. It's going to be a fantastic year.
I'm quite proud of myself at the moment.
I also worked some dog-shit shifts which saw me going for 14h without food. Would not recommend.
Why the fuck is "rostered overtime" a thing. If you NEED to roster people for overtime, it means you haven't hired enough people because holy fuck what????
Also I see why people complain about being used and abused. Those times you have to stay back 30min - 1hr, you don't feel like it's important enough to claim overtime, but you legitimately work extra time every day and it's like, by the end of the week you've accumulated several hours which you were not paid for. That's just... so... not cool.
In terms of the private life- I've made so many friends. Work friends are great, the environment is something you can only dream of. I mean I've had some scuffles here and there already, and there's someone who I'm working with that I don't have a lot of respect for... I was trying to learn from this friend of mine, who I said "saw the best in everyone". I used to think she way too naive and that it'd ruin her, but over time I've appreciated how that actually makes you a better person, if you judge people by their best intentions and don't presume the worst about everyone you ever meet. Ofc you need to be realistic and have some grounds in reality, but it's all about the mindset. So I tried. But this guy, this guy, right, he just says some of the most fucked up things and IT PISSES ME OFF. I work with some extremely vulnerable people whose lives are in the shits, and sometimes I know it's near-impossible to sympathise with them. but IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO JUDGE THEM FOR THEIR MORAL CHARACTER. So don't you dare judge them when you've had the privilege of a good education and a family to go home to at night. These people have lost everything, and maybe it's their fault, or maybe this God we cannot see decided to fuck them over but spare you instead.
This guy, I swear, is the ultimate embodiment of Christian hypocrisy- goes to church every Sunday, couldn't find enough decency within to shut his fucking mouth when he can't think of anything more appropriate to say.
Okay, rant over. To be honest I don't think he's a fundamentally bad person, he's just very old and fixed in his ways and I've lost all hope for him. But I am young and ambitious and I want to try save the world whilst I have the energy to, so I guess I look down on people like him, who give off the feeling of death despite being alive.
Anyway, work tomorrow. I better sleep. It's going to be a fantastic year.
Monday, 5 February 2018
Work Got Better
I feel like I have no idea wtf I'm doing at work, but I've managed to get a bit further along than last week. At least I no longer get lost inside my workplace and run around like a headless chicken. Everything still feels far to large and the lights far too bright, but yes, I'm slowly adjusting.
I haven't quite gotten over my fear of calling people on the phone, but unfortunately it's a daily job of mine. It's weird that I wouldn't mind speaking to them face to face or over text, but a phone call just seems so... idk, idk how to describe it but basically it weirds me out. I think doing everything via text would suit me so much better... maybe it's just a feature of my generation.
Anyway I got paid for work and idk if it makes everything right again, but at least it means I can pay off rent. I already spent my first paycheck on that iPad I always wanted to use as a drawing tablet- I get to pick it up tomorrow so that's mildly exciting. Yes, I did buy a vacuum cleaner. It was $200 but it works and I'm satisfied.
I need to stop spending money, I say as I browse electric pianos in my area.
I haven't quite gotten over my fear of calling people on the phone, but unfortunately it's a daily job of mine. It's weird that I wouldn't mind speaking to them face to face or over text, but a phone call just seems so... idk, idk how to describe it but basically it weirds me out. I think doing everything via text would suit me so much better... maybe it's just a feature of my generation.
Anyway I got paid for work and idk if it makes everything right again, but at least it means I can pay off rent. I already spent my first paycheck on that iPad I always wanted to use as a drawing tablet- I get to pick it up tomorrow so that's mildly exciting. Yes, I did buy a vacuum cleaner. It was $200 but it works and I'm satisfied.
I need to stop spending money, I say as I browse electric pianos in my area.
Sunday, 28 January 2018
I started work and it sucked
Well I didn't start real work just yet... it's mostly orientation stuff, getting to know people. I'm just having a difficult time adjusting to the fact that I'm being paid to stay back every day so I actually need to stay back til that time. Every night I come home and I feel like I'd be okay if the world ended then and there, because it's not like I have effort to do much else. Luckily there was a long weekend and I survived, but it was a struggle.
It makes me worried- if I struggled this much through orientation, how much more is real work gonna suck? Or maybe I'll enjoy it, idk. I'm pretty positive that it'll all work out, but I think I'm mostly just... scared that I'm staring down "the rest of forever", though it may not necessarily be true.
I made some new friends though. That's been great. I finally finished moving into my new place, then I went out with my new friends and we had a bit of fun. We went to a national park and established that yes, I am physically unfit and I really need to exercise more. My body's still aching from the workout... it's kind of embarrassing to describe.
On an unrelated note, I'm still bleeding money like you wouldn't believe... I've furnished my home, and now I'm thinking of buying a $300 vacuum cleaner and a digital piano... My life just feels really... empty without the music.
I guess I better stop bitching about work (that I haven't started for reals yet) and make some money...
It makes me worried- if I struggled this much through orientation, how much more is real work gonna suck? Or maybe I'll enjoy it, idk. I'm pretty positive that it'll all work out, but I think I'm mostly just... scared that I'm staring down "the rest of forever", though it may not necessarily be true.
I made some new friends though. That's been great. I finally finished moving into my new place, then I went out with my new friends and we had a bit of fun. We went to a national park and established that yes, I am physically unfit and I really need to exercise more. My body's still aching from the workout... it's kind of embarrassing to describe.
On an unrelated note, I'm still bleeding money like you wouldn't believe... I've furnished my home, and now I'm thinking of buying a $300 vacuum cleaner and a digital piano... My life just feels really... empty without the music.
I guess I better stop bitching about work (that I haven't started for reals yet) and make some money...
Friday, 19 January 2018
I don't want to start work
So I went to check out my new work place and get some paperwork sorted before work officially starts on Monday. I was pretty much shitting myself as I walked through the building... Everything just looked newer and taller and more technologically advanced than we had it up North. Then the receptionist gave me the coldest reply I'd ever received when I asked her for directions to the office... and I was starting to feel a bit... uneasy. I mean she looked like me when I used to work at KFC, the "if my life were to end now it would be bliss" face, as you talk to the next person in front of you.
Anyway I lugged all my things and moved closer to work... but the place I'm renting hasn't been sorted out and like.... it's a nightmare imagining having to clean and set up furniture and just get everything ready by the evening... ahhhh it's a total disaster. I'll be so happy when everything's sorted and I can settle down for a bit. I've been haemorrhaging money since moving... wtf is stamp duty and why is it so expensive? Furniture, too. Furniture prices seemed reasonable until you realised you have to buy all kinds of furniture at once... then it's like ????????????? what.
Despite my frenzy and concerns over my financial stability, I am 2 clicks away from buying an iPad pro and the apple pencil that comes with it. I just... want to draw, so badly? I can think of so many reasons why I shouldn't buy it, and only one for why I should buy it... and that one reason is "because I want to". Weird how that has the same weight as everything on the other side, ranging from "you already have an iPad" to "you literally have to draw from your savings to afford this iPad".
Ah, needing money but not wanting to work. The life.
Anyway I lugged all my things and moved closer to work... but the place I'm renting hasn't been sorted out and like.... it's a nightmare imagining having to clean and set up furniture and just get everything ready by the evening... ahhhh it's a total disaster. I'll be so happy when everything's sorted and I can settle down for a bit. I've been haemorrhaging money since moving... wtf is stamp duty and why is it so expensive? Furniture, too. Furniture prices seemed reasonable until you realised you have to buy all kinds of furniture at once... then it's like ????????????? what.
Despite my frenzy and concerns over my financial stability, I am 2 clicks away from buying an iPad pro and the apple pencil that comes with it. I just... want to draw, so badly? I can think of so many reasons why I shouldn't buy it, and only one for why I should buy it... and that one reason is "because I want to". Weird how that has the same weight as everything on the other side, ranging from "you already have an iPad" to "you literally have to draw from your savings to afford this iPad".
Ah, needing money but not wanting to work. The life.
Saturday, 6 January 2018
A New Beginning
Happy New Years....
Although I'm writing this about a week late. I've spent the past month in (almost) absolute bliss. I saw most of the friends I've wanted to see, and I had fun spending money, going on holidays and playing too many games for my own good, probably.
I still haven't shaken off my mobile game addiction and I continue to play almost religiously. Whoops. The most productive thing I've done is probably sort out my accommodation for this year, since I'm going to be working full time. Oh my God the prospect scares me to shits. Work. Responsibility. Then on top of all this my never-ending goals to lose-weight-get-fit-(but maybe not too much weight)-read-more-find-love-study-harder it just gets a bit... too much to think about. Naturally I've decided to bury my head in the sand and "worry about it later".
Oh, I read Hannibal and Hannibal Rising at a beach house. Yeah I know I see like a loser, reading books when I'm at the beach, but it's really hot during the day time and I don't enjoy getting roasted by the Sun. I'm lucky I tan instead of burn, but that only slightly lowers my risk of skin cancer. Anyway, I'm glad I found those books at the beach. I've seen the TV show Hannibal in all its glory, but the novels were something else. I actually like the TV show much better (not just because I found the actors more attractive), but I felt as if the characters improved on the given source material. There were also some aspects of the novel which I found a bit... old fashioned. Like how uh, when you read Sherlock Holmes and there's a chapter that's randomly racist, and you realise it wasn't considered racist in their time, but it disturbs you now. Despite that, good read. Glad I read something.
I was actually quite surprised at the ending of Hannibal... I kind of envisioned a Hamlet-esque showdown where everybody ends up dead, but it wasn't that at all. I'd call the twist "refreshing", though I've read criticism claming that the ending undermines certain characters' development. I simply felt those characters arrived at one of their many character conclusions. I don't really want to spoil it in case someone reading this decides to read it some day. All I can say is that I wish they'd renew more seasons of Hannibal the TV show, because whew it's a good story.
Well, here's hoping that 2018 brings good things.
Although I'm writing this about a week late. I've spent the past month in (almost) absolute bliss. I saw most of the friends I've wanted to see, and I had fun spending money, going on holidays and playing too many games for my own good, probably.
I still haven't shaken off my mobile game addiction and I continue to play almost religiously. Whoops. The most productive thing I've done is probably sort out my accommodation for this year, since I'm going to be working full time. Oh my God the prospect scares me to shits. Work. Responsibility. Then on top of all this my never-ending goals to lose-weight-get-fit-(but maybe not too much weight)-read-more-find-love-study-harder it just gets a bit... too much to think about. Naturally I've decided to bury my head in the sand and "worry about it later".
Oh, I read Hannibal and Hannibal Rising at a beach house. Yeah I know I see like a loser, reading books when I'm at the beach, but it's really hot during the day time and I don't enjoy getting roasted by the Sun. I'm lucky I tan instead of burn, but that only slightly lowers my risk of skin cancer. Anyway, I'm glad I found those books at the beach. I've seen the TV show Hannibal in all its glory, but the novels were something else. I actually like the TV show much better (not just because I found the actors more attractive), but I felt as if the characters improved on the given source material. There were also some aspects of the novel which I found a bit... old fashioned. Like how uh, when you read Sherlock Holmes and there's a chapter that's randomly racist, and you realise it wasn't considered racist in their time, but it disturbs you now. Despite that, good read. Glad I read something.
I was actually quite surprised at the ending of Hannibal... I kind of envisioned a Hamlet-esque showdown where everybody ends up dead, but it wasn't that at all. I'd call the twist "refreshing", though I've read criticism claming that the ending undermines certain characters' development. I simply felt those characters arrived at one of their many character conclusions. I don't really want to spoil it in case someone reading this decides to read it some day. All I can say is that I wish they'd renew more seasons of Hannibal the TV show, because whew it's a good story.
Well, here's hoping that 2018 brings good things.
Friday, 24 November 2017
Recreational Drugs
A few years ago I had a massive spaz when I found out 90% of my friends smoked weed. Maybe I did grow up in a stifling conservative environment, I don't know, but back then I thought recreational drugs were like... the materialization of sin itself. Now I've gotten to the point where I'm heavily surprised if a friend says they've never used drugs in their life. Honestly, I still find drug use heavily confronting (when it's from people I know), and I still feel kinda of disappointed when my friends do it....(why would you do that to yourself), but I think I've learnt to be slightly more mature about it.
Having the time to grow up at my own pace, I've seen more of the world, and I've come to understand why people become addicted (just a little better). It doesn't excuse the appalling habit, but sometimes I'm like, "yeah, I get it". When you look around, the people who take drugs are just people like you and I, and you'd never know unless they told you. Humans are more complex than their addictions, I've realised that everyone has a backstory- some of them are just a series of tragedies, but others find success in unlikely places. People are more than their addictions, and it's hard to see that when people behave erratically due to their substance use.
Anyway, I find it appalling that people would support the state-sanctioned murder of drug users. Like holy fuck just because someone's addicted doesn't mean they're useless to society. I know so many high-functioning alcoholics. You probably know some too. Alcohol is pretty fucking bad for you, and that's legal. The illegal substances are yeah, terrible for your health, but it doesn't mean you get the right to kill someone because they snort some cocaine.
Am I too naive to believe that people have inherent worth? It's not that I haven't seen the wreckage some people can bring, and truly, there are terrible people out there. Maybe they don't have much rehab potential. Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to criticize if I can't offer an alternative solution, but I just... I just feel like it's so wrong. Deep down, a part of me likes to believe that life is sacred, that there is a reason for our existence, even if we have to find and define our reason for existence for ourselves. Reading the Bible, I find it dissatisfying enough that God should have the right of judgment, so now I find it incredulous that humans are able to shroud themselves in such moral superiority over another that they would take away another's life, because they deem it not-worth-living.
I need a while more to reconcile how I feel about this topic. Admist all the helplessness I feel, I can still hear the child in me scream, "I want to change this world".
Having the time to grow up at my own pace, I've seen more of the world, and I've come to understand why people become addicted (just a little better). It doesn't excuse the appalling habit, but sometimes I'm like, "yeah, I get it". When you look around, the people who take drugs are just people like you and I, and you'd never know unless they told you. Humans are more complex than their addictions, I've realised that everyone has a backstory- some of them are just a series of tragedies, but others find success in unlikely places. People are more than their addictions, and it's hard to see that when people behave erratically due to their substance use.
Anyway, I find it appalling that people would support the state-sanctioned murder of drug users. Like holy fuck just because someone's addicted doesn't mean they're useless to society. I know so many high-functioning alcoholics. You probably know some too. Alcohol is pretty fucking bad for you, and that's legal. The illegal substances are yeah, terrible for your health, but it doesn't mean you get the right to kill someone because they snort some cocaine.
Am I too naive to believe that people have inherent worth? It's not that I haven't seen the wreckage some people can bring, and truly, there are terrible people out there. Maybe they don't have much rehab potential. Perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to criticize if I can't offer an alternative solution, but I just... I just feel like it's so wrong. Deep down, a part of me likes to believe that life is sacred, that there is a reason for our existence, even if we have to find and define our reason for existence for ourselves. Reading the Bible, I find it dissatisfying enough that God should have the right of judgment, so now I find it incredulous that humans are able to shroud themselves in such moral superiority over another that they would take away another's life, because they deem it not-worth-living.
I need a while more to reconcile how I feel about this topic. Admist all the helplessness I feel, I can still hear the child in me scream, "I want to change this world".
Sunday, 5 November 2017
Heartbreak
I watched the world championship finals for League of Legends last night... and I gotta say I've never hurt so bad watching someone else hurt. The team I supported (SKT) went down 0-3 in the most embarrassing fashion... and it's hard because it's literally what I'd predicted would happen. As the first game wrapped up (where the opponents almost had a perfect sweep of a game) I knew I was watching the beginning of the end.
The games were a rollercoaster of disappointment tbh- for a while I thought SKT would have a chance, and in the match-point game I thought they'd win... and maybe make another one of their miraculous reverse-sweep comebacks. Alas, they just fell 0-3 instead, and even though I'm not surprised, it still sucks. Then as the camera panned from the victors to the SKT members, I saw how the star player of SKT, Faker, buried his face in his hands and his whole body shook in the most heartbreaking way. He had to get up and shake hands with the opposing team, which would be the professional custom, so there was that moment of awkwardness where the other team waited as Faker was having a meltdown that's being broadcasted to millions across the world. Ergh
I hate seeing him like this because Faker has won 3 world titles and is commonly known as "the best player in the world". Everyone was bitching about how boring it was that SKT won everything, but I actually liked it... I liked the idea that there was someone SO GOOD that no one would be able to surpass him. To be real, in the end it wasn't like Faker was defeated by the other team, it was more like his own team betrayed him, and then they just shit the bed completely. People often refer to Faker as "God" of this game, and uh, I guess we all saw who Judas was on his team......................
Anyway, I hope Faker will rise again in biblical fashion, because watching him crushed actually hurts. It would be an amazing resurrection story (but he really needs his team mates to stop being dogshit).
The games were a rollercoaster of disappointment tbh- for a while I thought SKT would have a chance, and in the match-point game I thought they'd win... and maybe make another one of their miraculous reverse-sweep comebacks. Alas, they just fell 0-3 instead, and even though I'm not surprised, it still sucks. Then as the camera panned from the victors to the SKT members, I saw how the star player of SKT, Faker, buried his face in his hands and his whole body shook in the most heartbreaking way. He had to get up and shake hands with the opposing team, which would be the professional custom, so there was that moment of awkwardness where the other team waited as Faker was having a meltdown that's being broadcasted to millions across the world. Ergh
I hate seeing him like this because Faker has won 3 world titles and is commonly known as "the best player in the world". Everyone was bitching about how boring it was that SKT won everything, but I actually liked it... I liked the idea that there was someone SO GOOD that no one would be able to surpass him. To be real, in the end it wasn't like Faker was defeated by the other team, it was more like his own team betrayed him, and then they just shit the bed completely. People often refer to Faker as "God" of this game, and uh, I guess we all saw who Judas was on his team......................
Anyway, I hope Faker will rise again in biblical fashion, because watching him crushed actually hurts. It would be an amazing resurrection story (but he really needs his team mates to stop being dogshit).
November Update
Newflash: the conference was lame, my hopes were dashed. I did enjoy myself there, in the company of some friends, but the event was not what I thought it would be. Of course everything was fine in the end; I had an excellent weekend and now I'm on break before my final exam.
It doesn't feel right to have an exam to prepare for at this stage.. I've been on something akin to a month-long holiday, and the low-pressure environment has made me lazy. I need to get into the groove so that I can be better prepared for next year, but I wonder if, in the future, I will lament how I spent the last summer of my youthful university life with textbooks and lecture notes.
I don't have anything better to do though. There's TV there's games but none of it feels special any more. I realised I can continue to do these things while I'm working... I won't be able to binge an entire season in a night, but I can watch an episode every now and again, or while I'm writing notes. Life isn't an all-or-nothing game, after all.
I've caught up with some of my old friends... I'm glad to see them all, but I'm acutely aware of the fact that we're all leading vastly different lives now. It feels so strange... I have such difficulty relating to everyone's troubles, and I wonder when I started to change, and how I've changed. I can't say I like the feeling. I've carved a new path for myself, different to everyone else's that I've known... it's foreign, it's scary, and it's so easy to feel oh-so-alone. It should be fine though... every day I move an inch closer to exactly where I want to be in life... all that I've envisioned for myself, I will have. The good thing about career goals is that if you set them you can work towards it and you can feel the progress.
So I'll just keep marchin', I guess.
It doesn't feel right to have an exam to prepare for at this stage.. I've been on something akin to a month-long holiday, and the low-pressure environment has made me lazy. I need to get into the groove so that I can be better prepared for next year, but I wonder if, in the future, I will lament how I spent the last summer of my youthful university life with textbooks and lecture notes.
I don't have anything better to do though. There's TV there's games but none of it feels special any more. I realised I can continue to do these things while I'm working... I won't be able to binge an entire season in a night, but I can watch an episode every now and again, or while I'm writing notes. Life isn't an all-or-nothing game, after all.
I've caught up with some of my old friends... I'm glad to see them all, but I'm acutely aware of the fact that we're all leading vastly different lives now. It feels so strange... I have such difficulty relating to everyone's troubles, and I wonder when I started to change, and how I've changed. I can't say I like the feeling. I've carved a new path for myself, different to everyone else's that I've known... it's foreign, it's scary, and it's so easy to feel oh-so-alone. It should be fine though... every day I move an inch closer to exactly where I want to be in life... all that I've envisioned for myself, I will have. The good thing about career goals is that if you set them you can work towards it and you can feel the progress.
So I'll just keep marchin', I guess.
Monday, 16 October 2017
Better Times
My mood has improved substantially since daylight saving time started. I think dusk must be my favourite time of the day, when I can see the trailing blaze of crimson across the sky, as the warmth of the earth rises through my soles. The temperature is pleasantly warm- warm enough for shorts but not so excessive that need the aircon 24/7. Oh, and school is almost over. I've done exceedingly well to get where I am, and though happiness and contentment is a rare-find some days.
I've started reading The House of God again. It's this novel that's famous through the medical world for its unironic presentation of the brutalities doctors face in medicine. I understand more in-jokes now than I ever did before, and I do feel a little disturbed by the things I'm amused by. I think I'll go for something different when I finish The House of God, my friend has recommended Lord of the Flies. I've actually started that already, and from the first few chapters of that I had a sneaking suspicion that a certain character was going to die, then I was impatient enough to spoil the story for myself. Yeah, he dies.
Aaaanyway, I've gone broke recently having shelled out a large sum of money for a conference which I am no longer receiving a grant for. I don't think I would've signed up for it if I didn't expect my grant to go through. Oh well, now that I've paid for everything, I'll just treat it as a mega holiday. I was going to do something to celebrate my graduation anyway, and this can be part of it. I can spoil myself, a little, yeah?
I do fear I've become a bit too relaxed now, though. All I've done since passing my last exam is go see friends, play game and watch league. The international tournament for league is on at the moment, and the team I've supported for years just made it past the initial group stage of the tournament, which I'm pretty happy about. I had faith in them but the odds weren't that good. At least it worked out in the end.
I honestly haven't felt this relaxed since the end of year 12. Like, wow, I pulled through, the mountain of pressure is gone and I've got myself sorted, at least for a little while. Next year will be extra-stressful, but that's next year's trouble. I'm enjoying better times.
I've started reading The House of God again. It's this novel that's famous through the medical world for its unironic presentation of the brutalities doctors face in medicine. I understand more in-jokes now than I ever did before, and I do feel a little disturbed by the things I'm amused by. I think I'll go for something different when I finish The House of God, my friend has recommended Lord of the Flies. I've actually started that already, and from the first few chapters of that I had a sneaking suspicion that a certain character was going to die, then I was impatient enough to spoil the story for myself. Yeah, he dies.
Aaaanyway, I've gone broke recently having shelled out a large sum of money for a conference which I am no longer receiving a grant for. I don't think I would've signed up for it if I didn't expect my grant to go through. Oh well, now that I've paid for everything, I'll just treat it as a mega holiday. I was going to do something to celebrate my graduation anyway, and this can be part of it. I can spoil myself, a little, yeah?
I do fear I've become a bit too relaxed now, though. All I've done since passing my last exam is go see friends, play game and watch league. The international tournament for league is on at the moment, and the team I've supported for years just made it past the initial group stage of the tournament, which I'm pretty happy about. I had faith in them but the odds weren't that good. At least it worked out in the end.
I honestly haven't felt this relaxed since the end of year 12. Like, wow, I pulled through, the mountain of pressure is gone and I've got myself sorted, at least for a little while. Next year will be extra-stressful, but that's next year's trouble. I'm enjoying better times.
Saturday, 7 October 2017
More Dates
You'd think it was unwise for me to start dating immediately after dumping someone- but I can't fucking stand my loneliness. I should have been finishing my last assignment of the year, studying for my last exam, or simply reading another book to improve myself. Instead I decided to see someone and get myself tangled once more.
It was a nice day we spent at the gallery. Good company, I'd say. Definitely had fun. Not what I wanted though. I sensed their anxiety from the get-go. Cute, someone's anxious about seeing me. They're again, worried about what I might think of them. I enjoy that. I enjoy having my opinion matter so much... but I'm attracted to arrogance. Not even confidence, arrogance. Didn't feel a shred of that with this person.
I looked at some expensive artwork, and I boldly proclaimed that "I could do better". Actually I probably could, but I'm not sure anyone would buy it for several thousands of dollars. It was intended as a bit of a joke though- my date didn't laugh. They just nodded and said, "I'm terrible at art". I found the same pattern of humility repeated over multiple conversations. Then bam, it hits me, my overwhelming sense of superiority once again. I heard the voice in my head saying, "you think you're better. You feel like you're better. You can do better, and you deserve better".
And that voice was all I heard for the rest of the day.
I felt hollow and empty once again, on my train ride home. What was it that I was looking for? WHO am I looking for? Why the fuck do I keep telling myself I can do "better"??? What the fuck is "better"? Money? Looks? A brilliant mind? And why would someone with all those things want to be with someone like me? I must be reaching delusional levels of self-worth, if I am finding all these people unsatisfactory.
How do you search for something, when you don't even know what you're searching for? All I'm doing is rejecting every option I've been presented, and I'm at the point where I can't even give valid reasons any more. This time I won't complain about their hair, their face, the way they dress, the way they talk, or whatever it was I complained about last time. I just felt, "no, you're not what I'm looking for either, though you are an improvement over the last guy".
I should just go work on my assignment. Maybe it's "better" for me to be alone.
It was a nice day we spent at the gallery. Good company, I'd say. Definitely had fun. Not what I wanted though. I sensed their anxiety from the get-go. Cute, someone's anxious about seeing me. They're again, worried about what I might think of them. I enjoy that. I enjoy having my opinion matter so much... but I'm attracted to arrogance. Not even confidence, arrogance. Didn't feel a shred of that with this person.
I looked at some expensive artwork, and I boldly proclaimed that "I could do better". Actually I probably could, but I'm not sure anyone would buy it for several thousands of dollars. It was intended as a bit of a joke though- my date didn't laugh. They just nodded and said, "I'm terrible at art". I found the same pattern of humility repeated over multiple conversations. Then bam, it hits me, my overwhelming sense of superiority once again. I heard the voice in my head saying, "you think you're better. You feel like you're better. You can do better, and you deserve better".
And that voice was all I heard for the rest of the day.
I felt hollow and empty once again, on my train ride home. What was it that I was looking for? WHO am I looking for? Why the fuck do I keep telling myself I can do "better"??? What the fuck is "better"? Money? Looks? A brilliant mind? And why would someone with all those things want to be with someone like me? I must be reaching delusional levels of self-worth, if I am finding all these people unsatisfactory.
How do you search for something, when you don't even know what you're searching for? All I'm doing is rejecting every option I've been presented, and I'm at the point where I can't even give valid reasons any more. This time I won't complain about their hair, their face, the way they dress, the way they talk, or whatever it was I complained about last time. I just felt, "no, you're not what I'm looking for either, though you are an improvement over the last guy".
I should just go work on my assignment. Maybe it's "better" for me to be alone.
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