Reshuffle

I've really turned my life around in the past week. Good news, I didn't die, I actually did kill my exam and emerged victorious. I went down south to see my long-time friend, and he's not doing so well but I missed him dearly and I still enjoyed his company. The plan is that I will move closer to him for work next year, and hopefully I can help him out a little, because so far he's been living off pizza and he's stashed a sizeable tower of empty pizza boxes (which is really concerning). I suppose the good news is that he isn't fat, but idk how long that will last.

Then on the more personal front, I dumped the person I was seeing and found someone new. I think I concluded too early that "this person isn't entirely socially retarded", and tbh he kind of was and I just got caught up in the fact that I managed to stop being single for a while. Like I've been trying to not-be-lonely for what, a good 5 years, and I finally found someone I thought I could be with. Nope, I just got lost in the feeling of being liked, and for better or for worse, I realised very fast the incongruence of my own sentiments. I think I always knew it was going to be problematic, from day one. If I read what I wrote on my blog then, I'm like "huh even then I knew I'd get sick of this really fast". Still, I indulged in the fleeting happiness it brought... and I wouldn't say I regret anything, despite the mess it's caused.

Now I'm living the good life, on a semi-holiday. I'm still working but the work isn't as intense, and I just bought Nier Automata, so I'll tell you how that goes when I get around to playing it.

Hello, Stress, my old friend

My anxiety has returned with a vengence. Every time I think about my upcoming exam I feel the need to vomit everything I've eaten, ever. Everyone has been saying, "don't worry, you'll be fine" and reassuring me about how clever I am. Not clever enough, evidently, otherwise I wouldn't have fucked up the first one.

"Good luck, not that you'll need it! You're gonna kill it". Yeah man if I don't kill this exam I'm going to kill myself, one of us is going to die because of this.

Ahhhhhhhh fuck this. Why is life so hard.

Same Sex Marriage Postal Survey

Got a letter in the mail today, asking "should the law be changed to allow same-sex couples to marry?" It felt dystopian. I remember sitting in history class, thinking it was so foolish that there was a time where black people were not seen as human, that women were seen as naturally inferior to men, that Aboriginal people were taken from their own land--- no matter which period of time we chose, there was some group being discriminated against. "All animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others". It's my favourite quote from Orwell's Animal Farm. Humans are animals after all. We like to distinguish ourselves from others- not through any brilliance of our own, but through dragging others through the mud and laughing at their predicament.

To me, the question asked here isn't really "should the law be changed to allow same-sex couples of marry". It's really asking, "should same-sex couples be afforded the same rights as heterosexual couples"... or you know, "should same-sex couples be considered human?" Call me a Leftist if you will, but I think the LGBTIQ community are rightly upset... I mean, they might not even want to get married, but it's one thing to decide that you don't want to marry, and another for other people to deny you what everyone else has.

Still, I reply back to this insult of a survey, because I, as an individual, wish to contribute to the statistics which make up the "yes" vote. I just feel terribly sad that this is what 2017 looks like. I thought the horrors of the past were firmly in the past- but it's a new fight every day.

So on we fight.

Search Harder

I wonder if I'm just really ungrateful, as a person. In general. I've been told as much by my parents, but since our relationship is in ruins I haven't really paid much thought to it, though it clearly bothered me at times. Now I'm concerned about something else entirely but the thought creeps back into my mind.

It's about the strange relationship I've gotten into. I'm totally enjoying being treated so goddamn well, but at the same time I'm acutely aware of the discomfort I feel. I've tried to break it down to WHY I feel this way- and I found so many reasons. Many of them entirely superficial. Like, the colour of his hair, the hairstyle in general, the collar of his shirt, the shape of his glasses, the frustratingly terrible grammar he uses when he tries to be cute. All of these things are fluid and can be so easily changed... but ofc you can't tell someone that you want them to look a completely different way without being entirely offensive, which is why I haven't said anything. I always thought to myself that "if I like someone enough, I wouldn't care that their face had rotted away or if they were bed-bound with illness". I still believe that about myself.

Which leads me to think I'm just finding reasons to dislike this person.

Why would I do that? Because I want something else. In front of me is someone who is nice enough to me, isn't a total wreck, and seems to care a lot about what I think of him. Which is really problematic for him, of course, but that's not my fault. My problem is that I'm looking for someone else. Someone entirely different. When I list all the things I don't like, it makes me realise- ah, I'm not comfortable around this person. If I could change everything I disliked about him, it wouldn't even be the same person in the end.

So essentially I'm just here for the feeling of not-being-alone. Which I feel pathetic about.

Every person is flawed in this world. I know that. My expectations are bodering on "unrealistically high" when it comes to a partner. I don't think I'll settle for less, because I won't be happy that way. I've decided to chase for "happiness" in my life, whatever the fuck that means. That fleeting feeling of contentment- I want it.

I need to search harder.

Anxiety

I was bragging just a month ago, about how I don't feel anxious any more. As my next exam approaches, I've found that feeling of being sick to the soul once again. I'm fine when I'm busy- my mind's too occupied with too many things and I don't think too hard. When I'm left alone to my own devices, I start to imagine catastrophic endings to every loose thread of my life.

Then I'm like, why do I bother worrying? What if I get run over by a truck on my way to school tomorrow? If I knew I was going to die tomorrow, would I waste my final hours worrying about failing an exam? Fuck no. So given life's unpredictabilities, why should I worry about anything at all?

The fact that I'm listening to a song called "It was a good day to die" probably doesn't help my pessimism. If I had a good day to die, I'd prefer to die before exams. I can't actually cope with a second round of failure.

Though in comparison to my friends, I'm faring so well. I complain of my anxieties but I don't suffer any physical manifestations. Apart from the general unpleasant feeling and the doom-and-gloom that happens to be part of my baseline, I am quite alright. My friend couldn't sleep and called off our study session together tonight. I just think- wow, I'm so glad I'm not you.

I think it's rather easy to lose sight of what you already have, when you spend forever chasing something you can't quite grasp. I do like to set my eyes on the goal, but when I lose something, it really helps to stop for a moment and count up all the things I already have. And I have so, so much. Part of my human greed means that I want more, so much more. And more will never be enough, either. At the same time, I'm learning to be a bit more appreciative of the life I already have, of all the privileges I have been afforded, and come to appreciate myself, for how hard I'm working, trying to maintain all my privileges in life.

So in the end, a bit of anxeity is fine. Let's crash through and see what's on the other side.

Spring Time

This year has passed so quickly. I hardly remember winter- though I suppose I wasn't cold for very long. I feel like I haven't done anything worthwhile in the past 6 months, except for that whole Christian church thing which I tried and realised I didn't like. I guess that was self-discovery and growth, but other than that, nope.

I still want to do something exciting, something that gets my heart racing out of rhythm, and makes me treasure every second. I always envision myself travelling to some country field, where the grass is tall and yellow, and the Sun is bright enough for me to see into the distance but not warm enough to discourage me from racing across the fields, until I'm out of breath. I always thought that I hated nature but maybe I just hate uncomfortable temperatures, humidity, and insects that won't leave me alone.

I REALLY wish I hadn't failed my exams now. I could be planning so many things, finishing work at my own leisure, visiting my friends and practise my musical instruments and illustration skills. Then there's that annual flower festival I go to on a yearly basis. I don't actually care about the flowers, I just enjoyed the company I had. I still remember one year where I bought the stupidest hat, because all my friends did. I never wore it out much but it was still so fun, that night.

Spring's a lovely season.

Was it fun?

I'm home early for once, and it's nice to be back when the Sun's still out. We're moving into Spring but it was rather cold today, surprisingly.

My date went alright, I felt heart palpitations when we were sitting together and I tried to figure out whether that was a physiological response to stress, to anxiety, or whether it was because I actually liked him. Maybe it's a mixture of everything, but I'm glad at least I could feel the beating of my heart- shows that I'm still alive. I like the feeling of not being alone, but my friend was like "WTF DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING" and was trying super hard to make me break up with my date.

I get it. My intentions are questionable, idk what "true love" feels like and I'm 100% exploiting this guy's vulnerabilities. He may or may not have figured out that I'm an absolute twat yet, but I think I should tell him. I don't wanna like, lie and pretend to be a nice person or a good person when I'm really not. We may not be looking for the same things but I did enjoy his company.

Except wtf am I going to say? "Hey did you know I can be petty, cruel and display a range of sociopathic tendencies? I also have troubling insecurities which means I would rather break everyone around me before I let myself get hurt" Mmmmm idk, I'm just not in the mood for jeopardizing my own relationship atm. I'd rather let him figure it out one day and decide then, because I'm pretty happy at the moment with the way things are.

Selfish Vane always wins.

This isn't an excuse, but I enjoy the fact that someone likes me more than I like them. For once. There's no worry about "what if they don't like me back" or that feeling of loss when your feelings aren't reciprocated.

Was it fun? Yes. Will it stay fun? Probably not. Am I making a huge mistake right now? Potentially. Will I look back and regret this moment? Nah.

I'm happy, after all.